A Broken Vow?
Why could life never be easy? Another stone was sent skimming across the water of the lake as the thought passed through the mind of the auburn haired female. A frown had settled upon her gently features, watching the ripples of water work across the water before it stilled again. Why couldn’t she just be happy with where she was, what she was doing? Although she’d not admitted it at the time, her confession to Michael had thrown the morpher’s thoughts, even her heart into utter turmoil.
Three weeks ago it had all seemed so easy. Do enough to not cause trouble in the Exiles, though not ripping Max’s throat out was a little difficult at times. Go to meals, look like a regular student as much as possible. Whilst instead of attending lessons, train to her heart’s content and get strong enough to once more take to the streets. But it wasn’t so easy. In those three fateful weeks, bonds had started to form. First there had been the helping hand from the doctor. Hank had been possibly the first she’d felt actually cared for her, as a person, an individual. Then of course there was Michael. Michael who had spent so many patient hours reading with her, teaching her and helping her. And it had been fun. And he’d become someone she could consider a friend. Someone, she dared admit, she felt she could trust. And this felt like a betrayal. After all he’d done, she was going to abandon it?
And lastly, there was Connor. Of course, there were others she recognised, that she in part liked even if she didn’t know them well. Faces she would smile to in the corridors. But Connor was different from all of them. There was something different. He’d been through so much lately, and there were things they’d shared. A soft growl like sound escaped the female feral’s throat. It was strange, new. Frightening and yet welcoming as well. In some ways they were so similar. And at the same time they could be so different. And she enjoyed spending time with him. More than enjoyed. A smile teased her lips, sure they hadn’t spent long together really, but still. Like Michael, he was trusted. A friend. But at the same time it felt so different.
But with all this should she still leave? She had always believed that strength was sticking to your ideas, no matter what. To carry on regardless of the world. ”Why Jake?” She whispered softly to herself, throwing another stone almost expertly across the lake’s now smooth surface, disturbing It once again. ”Is it just me.. us? Were we always destined to be in pain, to run. Why Jake?” It as pure stubbornness that stopped the tears which threatened in that moment. She was starting to enjoy her life here. But could it really stay like this? Her eyes, moist from the threat of those tears, turned towards the mansion briefly. The Exiles seemed to be her personal nightmare. The team had finally realised she was terrified of fire, after one of the training sessions and her refusal to face Garnet, she’d been half forced to admit it. And with it she now carried that shame, the look in the other’s eyes not helping. And it merely provided more firepower against her. Of course, she hadn’t explained why. If she had, maybe there would have been more understanding. No, only Connor knew that secret.
Again Connor. How her mind travelled in circles. Even if she considered the fact it wouldn’t be long till her truancy was noticed. She did, after all, have a time table. But one lesson, she’d not even coped with that. It wasn’t that she wasn’t intelligent. Far from it. But she’d not had any formal education and a mix of sitting in a classroom and the words she barely knew.. it was too much. And she was far too proud to admit she needed help. The lessons with Michael were different. It had been a quiet understanding. That each had their faults, and could help one another somehow. But how could she tell the school that? No, it was too much. All these things.. she had to leave. At least before they kicked her out. At least then it would be her choice.
It weighed heavily on the mutant’s heart, and the soft green of her eyes seemed faded in her thoughts. It hurt. She hated to admit it but it hurt. And all she wanted to do was run. But where? Towards the friends, or away from the mental cage she had placed herself in within the school. She was a feral. Born to be free. She had hoped this place would offer her freedom. Freedom from pain, from suffering. From the cold and hunger. But there was still suffering. Was she looking for perfection in an imperfect world? Perhaps. Maybe she was asking too much.
A heavy sigh escaped her, glancing down to the water, still vibrating a little from the last stone. A sad smile flickered back at her as she remembered some of the old songs from her childhood. Memories so faded they seemed to come in small segments. No. She didn’t know who she was, who she was meant to be. The song which had flickered from those faded depths of memory was ‘Reflection’ – the most wildly known song from the Disney Classic, Mulan. If only Racheal remembered the story of the strong willed woman, perhaps she could draw some strength from it. But all that it told her then was that it was true. She wasn’t sure who she was anymore. A homeless girl, alone in the world, or someone building a new life for themselves? Developing relationships. With another sigh, the feral headed towards the woods. At least if Jake had been here, there would have been someone she could bounce ideas off. Of course, she chuckled dryly at the thought, if Jake WAS still around, they wouldn’t be here in the first place. She just couldn’t win.
”Not that it isn’t my fault” She recognised sadly. It was the one fact she’d really hidden from the others. Her betrayal. Perhaps above all things, that was the strongest reason for leaving. She’d messed up badly, in her view, on the training island. What if she’d gotten someone killed again? She was a danger. Whether in morph or not. Trouble followed her like the fox followed the hare. Waiting to strike. And even if she wasn’t the victim, someone close to her was. And once more her thoughts were brought to Connor. For a few reasons. When she’d first entered the institute, when Connor, fresh from the danger room, had first greeted her, Racheal had felt a strong resemblance to her twin. Not in looks. But in the air around them, that familiar feral nature automatically drawing her closer to the male in mind, even if it wasn’t until after the events on the training island which allowed her to really speak to get to know him. She’d never forgotten him. Perhaps that was why she had rescued him from the lake, for her own selfish needs for that familiarity, and not for concern for his safety. Of course, these thoughts were her’s alone and not true. After all, at first she’d not even recognised Wolverine’s son. And had it not been on the training island that he’d been taken? Was it anything to do with the Brotherhood attack? If it had been, if chance was taken because of that, didn’t that mean his abduction was also her fault? The pain he now suffered in his memory loss.
”If it’s true” She whispered softly, ”If it really is my fault, whatever anyone says, then I shouldn’t be here.. no matter what” One tear rolled down her cheek as she rested against the tree, before she almost snarled, wiping away. Weak. Her heart was making her weak. Letting people get close to her, letting them touch her heart and.. care. She cared for them. Not just because they were humans, not because they needed her. But because of who they where. Slowly she slipped to the ground, sitting here, hugging her knees close to her. She wasn’t sure she wanted to care. If she left, she knew she’d hurt. But if she stayed.. could she really protect them from the curse that seemed to follow her life? She.. She had to try. The thoughts came slowly. Racheal did care, as much as, in that moment, she wished she didn’t. She did. She wanted to be here for her own selfish reasons as well, to share more reading lessons with Michael. But more so, to spend time again, to laugh with him. And she wanted to protect them, to keep them safe. “I’ll stay and fight” She whispered softly. “I’ll stay as long as you need me to. As long as I can keep you safe from the dangers of the world” The whisper came, unknowing of how that promise would be broken before it really came to light.
TBC: Connor
Hannah: In this world we're forced to make choices everyday. We don't always know the consequences. But it's how we react to them which makes us who we are
Arguments were a part of family life... especially for Connor's family. That didn't help make it feel any better after each argument, anger was like a disease Connor always wished to carve from inside himself. If only things were so easy, if all problems could just be removed with such simplicity, all the problems... all the terrible mass load of problems. A balled fist pressed firmly against Connor's lips, a deep set concentration burned in the feral's gaze as Logan's son stared up towards a drooping branch. One branch on the tree was unusually low compared to the others, making it stand out strangely as Connor passed it... a tree... a tree that Connor really didn't care about, one that wasn't really anything special compared to the hundreds of other trees. However none of the other trees bothered him as much as this current tree was doing so, a tree that Connor knew should be so simple to turn and walk away from and yet... why couldn't he?
It wasn't like he could just rip it off, it was a little too high out of reach even if he wanted too, and besides, once that happened then the truck would have an ugly mark on it that would look completely out of place, even more worse then the lowest branches position. There was a gentle groan, soft and meek as desperation tried to be overcome by sheer will... the depressing thing was that his sheer will wasn't seeming to really be overcoming much right now, he felt like he'd been standing there for twenty hours instead of just twenty minutes. That thought didn't do much to impress him, if anything it annoyed Connor even more.
Talking thankfully distracted Connor, leading the feral's focus to another point, though it didn't help really, a group of students were nearby, they'd walked into earshot a little while ago but had been ignored till now, since they were moving towards where Connor stood. People, a bane of pleasure Connor wasn't yet sure to which best described his feelings towards them. A person would generally always be given a chance, no matter how brief that chance, but entire groups was proving so much more difficult, he really would prefer having little to nothing to do with random groups of people. He was like that pencil in Mrs Summers class, there was a holder and inside it were 4 pencils, all leaning in one corner save for a single pencil that leaned towards the opposite corner. That was Connor Enright, the pencil that couldn't even manage to lean in the right direction, through no fault of its own save some random occurrence that left it there.
"Great, so now I'm a pencil," There was a frustrated sigh as Connor forced his body to turn away from the irritatingly odd tree and moved towards the lakes edge. His right thumb rubbed thoughtfully over the knuckles of the left hand, everything seemed negative to him right now, Connor couldn't help but feel bad about everything. Logan seemed always stressed and upset over every stupid thing Connor did or said and Madison was upset and angry half the time, Arisa was hardly around and Michael's attempts at soothing Connor's upset after being told he had stabbed the guy wasn't really helping right now. Yes there were other things happening and other people involved and other reasons behind it but in the end it was Connor's claws that caused the damage, and Connor's arm that wielded those blades...
An agitated look was given towards the center of the lake, leaving the pit of Connor's stomach twisting for a moment as memories of the night he got submerged returned. That sense of fear and panic, the immense uncontrollable sense of impending doom that seemed to drown him more then any deep lake could manage. Crouching down, the feral's hand scooped up a rock, more jagged and uneven then the smoother ones right by the lakes edge. To be honest it bothered the feral, the dirt that rubbed off the jagged rock and smeared across his skin irritated Connor more then what even he could have imagined. It was interesting though, the feelings inside him, the way they would, the stupid reactions to the most basic of things. It was like an experiment, a test to see how certain things made him react, though half the time he wasn't even trying. With a frustrated grunt Connor threw the stone as far into the lake as he cook, watching it with his sharp eyes as the misshaped contours of the rock spun wildly as it propelled through the air. Even the splash was easily heard for the feral's ears, though what he was aiming for Connor wasn't sure. Maybe one of the small islands that scattered the wide lake, students found it fun to get the boats from the boat house and find a peaceful place one the little islands, really there wasn't enough room on them for more then one group as far as privacy went, even the slightly large ones that were smothered in shrugs and trees. Usually couples went there for a chance to sneak off, but there was always surveillance though so few bothered using it as a hideaway and those that did didn't often get away unnoticed. Then again, having teachers that could read your minds and know your intentions really didn't make the school the best place to hide away in.
"At least pencils can float," There was a sigh, the metal covering Connor's bones were heavy, they made floating almost impossible and only strong swimming could keep him afloat. There were so many flaws that Connor could see in himself and they were flaws that seemed almost impossible for him to stop, even if he didn't want to do something if the urge was there it was almost impossible to ignore and that killed him inside. Like the dirt now on his hands, really that shouldn't bother him, hands would always get dirty, it was part of life, everything around you usually gathered dust and dirt and outside in nature that was really a basic fact of life... things were dirty. And yet every part of him screamed to go to the waters edge and wash the dirt away, his palms held out slightly as if icky grim smothered them instead of soft powdered soil.
There was a determined sigh as Connor's eyes scanned the lake, trailing up and down each side of where he stood and making out the few students scattered by it's edge along the way. Fairly spaced apart, a good personal bubble even for Connor right now. Though despite the distance it took only moments to realize one of the students was someone he knew, and of all people it was Racheal. Maybe she would be good to talk to about his concerns, maybe running his ideas by her will help him decide... in any case Connor was walking towards the other feral, rubbing his hands anxiously and trying to get he dust of... while it appeared to be working Connor just felt it was rubbing deeper and deeper into his hands.
"Racheal?" Calling out to the girl, Connor hesitated just a little, not wanting to invade her space or interrupt her thoughts in a way that might upset her, "I was thinking of you earlier.. I wanted to say hey, I didn't realize you'd be around here though, I was just.." ..Yammering on senselessly? The sentence was cut short with a nervous smile, she really didn't need to listen to him carry on mindlessly mumbling away "Hey," That didn't sound at all really friendly or welcoming, just plain and basic, even if his tone said otherwise, "Morning.. hi," Even though his hands ow fell to his side, the fingers continued to rub almost irritably at the palms, still wanting to go wash them.. he'd have used the lake water but then his hands would be wet and he'd risk having water stains on his shirt or jeans and he really didn't want water stains.
Re: A Broken Vow?
Arms wrapped around her knees, chin resting softly on those folding arms. Her back against the thick tree trunk, just far enough away from the lake to put a good distance between herself and those at the lake side, she looked into the woods, eyes half closed, loosing herself in her thoughts. The dark haired feral, despite her decision, was still disturbed by it all. There was something about her face in those moments, as if something in her was on show, something more vulnerable, more fragile was about to break in that moment of privacy.
"Racheal?" The sound of her name caused feline eyes to turn, pupils wide with surprise, a brief scowl at the interruption till she saw who it was, visibly relaxing, though her eyes failed to mimic the faint smile on her lips. It was a sudden interruption which gave her no time to compose herself. As comfortable as she was with Connor, she still felt, almost ashamed of that more delicate side she kept hidden.
"I was thinking of you earlier.. I wanted to say hey, I didn't realize you'd be around here though, I was just.." Her curiosity perked at his words, wondering what he was thinking, if there was more of a reason or just the want for company. Either way, she found her attention more fixed on him because of those words, and hadn’t even thought of him rambling on, till he seemed to stumble over his words.
"Hey,"… "Morning.. hi," The stumble brought a more honest smile to her features, a gentle chuckle escaping her. Even if unintentional, she was glad for the fact his stumble made it feel less tense. For her at least. Slowly Racheal relaxed, sitting up fully again, letting one leg stretch out, the arms less tense, slipping down the still bent leg somewhat.
”Heya” The word was almost a whisper, a smile still on her lips. Yes, her decision to stay was a good one, just seeing Connor, just the chance to see him caused her to belief that. ”I was thinking about you too..” She admitted gently, hoping to put him at some ease, as he seemed uncomfortable about something.
Then came a mental silence, unsure of what to say, unable to hold his gaze, looking back to the woods. Perhaps it was because of her previous thoughts that she struggled a little now, felt something, perhaps shame, at even the idea of leaving now. Totally lost at what to say, she watched as a soft breeze stirred some of the woodland litter. After a moment, as if gathering some composure from that simple view of nature, she looked back to him.
”Sorry, I’m not really completely with it I guess” She said gently, with a smile. She didn’t want him to think she was being rude or anything. ”I’ve just had.. a lot of thinking to do.” Racheal nodded a little, watching Connor closely. She didn’t want him to leave now. As uncomfortable as it felt being disturbed at first, at the same time she thought the company would be good. Her feline green eyes were fixed on the other’s face for a moment, before speaking softly. ”Is everything okay?” She asked softly, shifting slightly, so should he want to sit, there would be plenty of room for him.
Hannah: In this world we're forced to make choices everyday. We don't always know the consequences. But it's how we react to them which makes us who we are
Re: A Broken Vow?”Heya” The softness of her voice still washed over clearly in Connor's ears, if nything it was always more relaxing to speak with people who had the softer tones of voice, and there was always something so levelled and controlled about Racheal's words. ”I was thinking about you too..” The admittence was always soothing, if not embarrassing for some reason, why were they thinking of each other, what was Connor doing that put her up on his mind? Then again, what was she doing that put her on his mind? The thought was enough to still the feral's mind long enough to allow a few reasons to flow across his inner eye, images of her helping him in the lake, talking to him in the hall, just talking to him in general.... there was a curious wonder however about remembering her in places, glimpses of hallways or other places that seemed so vivid and yet he couldnt entirely remember what it was about.
”Sorry, I’m not really completely with it I guess” That made two of them so he just smiled in turn, he honestly didn't mind, in the end it was always nice around Racheal because he never felt pressured into keeping up a conversation even when it was clear there was little more to add to it. ”I’ve just had.. a lot of thinking to do.” As she spoke Connor noticed he was still fidgeting with his hands, every part of him felt like he needed to wipe them on his clothes just to get the grime off and yet knew that would frustrate him just as much once his hands were cleaned only to leave his clothes smeared with the dirt that was them, even if it wasn't going to be really noticiable. He'd know it was there, the dirt, and it would bother him.
”Is everything okay?” For a moment it felt as if his heart had beaten so fast it had flung itself up to the depth of hi throat, almost cloging it up enough to stop the easy flow of air as breathe seemed momentarily difficult in his nervousness. "Yeah," Connor replied with a hasty uncertainty, "It's stupid," He added rubbing his hands again, hinting there was something bothering him but at the same time something he didn't really think would make a lot of sense. Due to the frustration of the dirt however, Connor was in no mood to sit on the ground, instead crouching down, balancing perfectly on his toes and making it seem like an effortless position. Logan's son let his hands hang limp for a moment over his knees, elbows resting comfortably on his thighs and eyes moving over the fallen leaves that scattered the ground directly in front of him. Once again his fingers rubbed almost irritbly against his palms, though as the reached out for some of the leafs, the feral's voice came softly with a curious concern, "What have you been thinking about?" Fingers gently moved one leaf at a time, grabbing them by the stem, which remained pointing towards his body, while the tips of the leaf pointed away, each one lined neatly, larger ones being shifted to the right while smaller ones remined off towards the left of the line, all becoming neatly aligned as he waited for her reply.
Re: A Broken Vow?
Emerald eyes were calmly fixed on the male feral, her own thoughts feeling far from calm, yet why she couldn’t place a finger on. It was almost like a rush of nothing, a hectic blankness. She tried to slow her lacking thoughts, using his words as an anchor to the conversation, to keep her thoughts on that for now. Her thoughts had already been rather troubled, this strange confusion didn’t help. ”Yeah, The corners of her lips lifted a little at the reassurance, ”It’s stupid,” It was almost like a hesitation of her features at this addition. Perhaps something was bothering him then.
"What have you been thinking about?" And so it was brought around to herself, not always a subject she was terribly comfortable with. Especially with what her thoughts had been targeted on. Her eyes lowered for a moment, watching as he organised the leaves. It was quite calming in away, to watch, her slitted pupils following the movements with a relaxed ease.
”It’s not stupid… not if it’s bothering you” She said quietly, eyes lifting to his. It might feel stupid, but that didn’t mean it is. Sometimes some of her own thoughts and worries seemed stupid. How could she explain to the rest of the Exiles her almost inexplicable fear of fire without opening up a can of worms she’d prefer they didn’t know about? Even Connor didn’t know everything. He didn’t know how she’d betrayed her brother, how stupidity had seen him lost to her. The thought was like an icy touch on her heart, and her eyes lowered a little sullenly. That memory would always haunt her. That stupid mistake. That was why she had to stay, to try and make it up somehow. These people trusted her. She couldn’t betray them like that.
”As for me..” She shook her head a little, eyes still lowered. ”I’ve kind of been thinking of the past a lot I guess. Of Jake. Her twin’s name came so easily. But with it’s ease came an old pain. Truth was, sometimes she had this act of confidence, this show of strength. But she felt so small, unimportant. Jake had been her brother, and whilst they hadn’t always agreed, he had been her reassurance, her comfort blanket. Her fingers clenched, her eyes watching their movements. A slow sigh escaped her lips as she attempted to calm the trembling cold of pain which crept through her. Part of her wished she could forget. Forget all those losses of the past and think only of herself. Just to spare herself the pain.
That thought brought a pang of guilt, glancing at Connor now. No, to forget.. Connor was going through that and she had listened to his pains for it. No, she shouldn’t wish to forget it, no matter how painful. She managed a faint smile as she tried to gather herself, eyes lifting towards the mansion.
”Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here for years.. other times it still feels like my first day” She said slowly, a quiet indication to the fact that, whilst she had started to settle, make friends, gain a routine, she still felt awkward, like an outsider looking in. ”It’s not been easy.. getting used to all this. Not for me or my animals” She said slowly, speaking of the animal morphs who seemed to hold their own consciousness. ”They aren’t used to being.. confined like this. And I suppose neither am I. Lessons, teams… routine.” Her words didn’t come easily. It was, as ever, a struggle to admit where her weaknesses and troubles lay. Perhaps it had been a bit much all together. She wasn’t sure. She knew she was meant to be in places at certain times. And she knew she hadn’t been. But she struggled with telling the time as well, which didn’t help when she wasn’t used to any real routine.
”Maybe that’s what really bothered me. Like, everyone else fitted. In their own way, but they had their place, an understanding. She shrugged a little, not able to describe further what she meant. And it brought her to an edge. Exposing her weaknesses always made her edgy, and now to mention so many things which touched her, pained her. She shifted a little awkwardly. She couldn’t meet Connor’s eyes, now she was saying out loud the worries over the past months. But she had made that vow. Somehow, she would over come those problems. She had to.
”With all that, and a couple of other things… thing was… I had been thinking about leaving. I..” She broke off with a bit of a start, tensing as someone passed close by. She’d been so absorbed in her thoughts she’d not heard the student who was walking through the woodland during their break. Sat up suddenly straight, a bit like a startled rabbit, her eyes tracked the other till they were once more out of sight, unknowingly disturbing her. And so she relaxed, breathing slowly, forgetting in that instant to continue.
Hannah: In this world we're forced to make choices everyday. We don't always know the consequences. But it's how we react to them which makes us who we are
Re: A Broken Vow?"It’s not stupid… not if it’s bothering you" It made sense in a way, and yet still he couldn’t help but feel he was being childish about the whole matter… things just seemed to get to him so easily and sometimes it felt so hard to keep a cool head. "It might feel stupid, but that didn’t mean it is." It was like the other feral had read his mind, as if she sensed what he was thinking and assured him all the more. "As for me.. " Racheal began, and Connor watched her, even as his fingers still fussed over the leaves about them. "I’ve kind of been thinking of the past a lot I guess. Of Jake. " Jake, the mysterious twin brother that, for all Connor knew, has passed away, or run away or somehow, at some point, got separated from Racheal. The only thing that made him think something more serious might have happened was that Racheal seemed the kind of girl that would not rest till she found whatever she was looking for, and was sure of it. And while Connor found his gaze having settled on Racheal and watching her, there was something about her eyes that was so sad it made being back with sister and her insufferable attitude so much easier to bear.
"Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here for years.. other times it still feels like my first day" It seemed odd, and yet Connor could kind of understand what she meant, at times it seemed all so new and strange to him still, at other times he thought he knew this place inside and out. "It’s not been easy.. getting used to all this. Not for me or my animals" And that was oddly familiar to a degree as well, part of Connor felt it was impossible to fit in, like he wanted to just run and keep on running till everything was either gone or made more sense. But then he thought of all the things he’d lose if he did, few as they were right now, they still mattered… like Racheal, Chris… even his family. "They aren’t used to being.. confined like this. And I suppose neither am I. Lessons, teams… routine. " There was a knot in Connor’s stomach, his kneels were pulled to his chest firmly and arms wrapped about them, he couldn’t deny that all of that stuff was rather stressful for him too, it was just a few things that proved that in so many ways they seemed to be alike and Connor felt a comfort from that.
"Maybe that’s what really bothered me. Like, everyone else fitted. In their own way, but they had their place, an understanding. " Their place? Connor suddenly felt awkward, because he didn’t really think he fitted in anywhere right now, he was just misplaced and people said he belonged here or there and yet he felt awkward no matter what he tried to do. "With all that, and a couple of other things… thing was… I had been thinking about leaving. I.." There was a sudden pause, her sentence cut off, and her body sitting up quickly, but that was it, she wasn’t staying, like everyone she seemed to just hover about for a bit and then leave, but why Racheal? Because she didn’t fit in? How many people honestly felt that they fit perfectly in?
"What?" It was confusion, though the thought of her leaving upset Connor, suddenly the only comfort he felt he had now was about to leave, he was about to be alone again, maybe not completely friendless but Racheal was really the only one who Connor felt relaxed and comforted around. "You can’t just leave because you don’t fit in, where would you go? What would you do?" And if she did leave, and did have plans, would she ever be seen again? "You can’t expect to just leave and have all your problems fixed," It probably didn’t come out as sympathetic or concerned as he intended it to be, all he wanted her to do was see that she was safer and better off here, she had to be, if she had no where else, no one else, then this place was hardly worth leaving just because it was a little confining, that’s what the day trips were for! His father had classes even which involved getting out of the school and going into the wilds, places she’d probably love, she just needed to get more involved was all, she just needed to try and enjoy herself and relax… not just run away!
Re: A Broken Vow? "What?" The word seemed to come out of nowhere, as the female feral had become distracted and her body jerked slightly, before remembering what she had been saying, suddenly realising she’d not finished. And before she could, Connor was ‘jumping’ in, though she barely realised the amount of gap that had made it appear like she was finishing there. Something inside her tensed. She’d already been unstable, upset about where her thoughts had been leading and the knowledge the Exiles had discovered her weakness. And now, having revealed her inner most thoughts to someone she trusted it felt a little like he was suddenly questioning her, part of her not even recognising the tone.
"You can’t just leave because you don’t fit in, where would you go? What would you do?" Why couldn’t she! Shyness about the problem vanished as her eyes met his, watching him closely, suddenly on edge. Those walls which could take so much effort to come down suddenly rising again, a mental protection. Her eyes glinted slightly in anger and upset as she over-interpreted his words. She wasn’t a child running away for no reason. She’d be considering this for awhile, and this wasn’t her world. Couldn’t he see that?
"You can’t expect to just leave and have all your problems fixed," A frown found her features, emerald eyes fixed on his, and for the feline it was a definite sign of a challenge. Part of her, beneath this protective layer where her rare anger boiled, knew Connor hadn’t meant it how she had taken it. That really, in the end it wasn’t his fault. But there was years worth of protective layers there, which were far quicker to come into play than the more rational side beneath it.
”Don’t treat me like a child Connor!” She said, her voice quavering, as if torn between being deeply upset and shout in anger. Her body was tensed, like an animal preparing to flee or fight it’s way out of a situation it didn’t like. Despite all appearances, Racheal was, in essence, wild. Or at least the feral creatures she took her name from. She came from the streets, her background relied on the flight or fight instincts her animals gave her. ”I left a world I knew, I understood and survived in, to come here. This isn’t my world. It isn’t me” Part of herself protested that. Maybe it was more her than she wanted to admit, and her eyes lost their stare briefly as if to echo those inner thoughts.
”And these people trust me without knowing me.. you trust me without knowing me..” Her voice quavered again, biting her lip slightly. Despite Dr McCoy’s words, she did blame herself for the disaster on the training island. She had known Paige wasn’t ill, but because the other girl hadn’t spoken up, Racheal had chosen to ignore it. And worse, she had seen the brother hood team before the attack. If she’d reported back properly, if she’d known the other teams better she could have gotten the warning out. Then there would have been no attack. And perhaps Connor wouldn’t have been taken. It was an unfortunate attribute of the morpher, self blame.
”Perhaps it’s better if people don’t trust me, don’t rely on me. Connor you know more about my past than anyone else and that’s only snippets..” She had to stop there as tears threatened in her eyes, her own response just making her angrier. Hands made fists as she fought to control her own emotions. And even more aggravating was that whispering voice reminding her that none of this was Connor’s fault. She’d vowed to stay and part of her reasoning was because of him. But he was there. And unfortunately that put him in the firing line.
Hannah: In this world we're forced to make choices everyday. We don't always know the consequences. But it's how we react to them which makes us who we are
Re: A Broken Vow?"Don’t treat me like a child Connor!" The retort caused Connor to flinch slightly, he knew she was stressed but somehow the anger took him by surprise, she wasn’t allowed to be angry with him, it didn’t seem right, it didn’t feel right. Somehow… it never seemed possible before this moment, and even now, it felt unreal, because he did not want her yelling at him, he wanted her smiling again, that soft shy smile that was as gentle as she was around him. There was always that wild side to her, that bubbling boiling instinct that drove the very core basics of their actions, their sudden, instant, quick thinking seeming based of this strange sensation inside. So deep it felt like a hidden creature to Connor, a more commonly slumbering beast within, or at least he’d like to think of it as being asleep, before his accident he knew it was there all the time, a constant monster inside of him, ready to snap. It a fear he’d faced day by day, after all Logan’s temper was well known and in battles Connor had seen how wild his father could get. But… that wild temper was not supposed to be directed towards him, it was not meant to be used to burn someone close, it was supposed to be there to be thrown at the enemies! He wasn’t an enemy… why was she acting now as if he were?
"I left a world I knew, I understood and survived in, to come here. This isn’t my world. It isn’t me" That didn’t mean she had to leave, surely, Connor didn’t want her to leave, he’d do whatever he could to make her feel as if she could stay here. He wanted to reach out and stop her stressing, he wanted to do something, anything, but the words were lost and her emotions were high and he didn’t know how to deal with it. "And these people trust me without knowing me.. you trust me without knowing me.." How could she say that! And so what if he didn’t know everything about her, that didn’t mean he couldn’t trust her, or that he wasn’t allowed to care where she went! Nothing mattered like that, as long as the person was honest with people, as long as they spoke truthfully and care, then so what if they had secrets?
"Perhaps it’s better if people don’t trust me, don’t rely on me. Connor you know more about my past than anyone else and that’s only snippets," So what?! There was so much Connor wanted to say that he wanted to be comforting, or wise or supportive or anything that would calm her down, but all he did was draw in a deep breath and cover his right ear with his hand.
"Right," He sounded frustrated and annoyed, though it was spoken out and not with a raised voice, he had no idea what to do and all this high wired emotions were eating into him, "And what the hell do you know about me?" It probably came out harsher then questioning, but right now Connor was too upset to care how it sounded, he just wanted her to understand how silly she sounded! "It’s all just silly excuses to make you feel better," With that he stood up, Connor felt restless, and he could feel himself slipping, though he wasn’t sure if he was getting angry or about to get teary eyed… he really hated this. It still felt wrong, nothing he said seemed right. "You want to go, fine," With that, Connor turned his back to her, his hand still over his ear till then when he threw them both into the air a little as he called back, resisting the urge to just run, "But I don’t want you saying bye to me," Because to be honest… he’d not be able to handle it… not that hiding from her would help, but maybe some ignorance would help while he tried to deal with all that was going on.
What if she said something? What if she chased after him? Part of him wanted to just scream, another part was ready to sob, what caused this situation, what was upsetting her? Was she really that miserable here… and if she did leave… no more looking forward to catching up with her… maybe those times didn’t impact her as much as he did him, and for some reason, that hurt more then her yelling at him.
Re: A Broken Vow? "Right,” The word was so decisive and tone made it feel like she was suddenly in the wrong, for trying to explain herself. Her emotions were rocky, and she stared at him now, her body tense still. Suddenly, for some reason, it felt like he was about to pass judgement on her. And a fear entered her. She hadn’t been able to explain that she had changed her mind. The original interruption by the passing student and then high emotions had stopped her, and now Connor was missing the full story. Part of her was screaming in her mind, to tell him, before he continued, that he was one of the reasons why she had vowed to stay!
"And what the hell do you know about me?" It felt like a rebuke, and her eyes lowered in a submissive style. Yes, it was true that she knew little about Connor, that he had his past, even what he couldn’t remember. She’d not explained herself well, and she saw that. But she wasn’t trustworthy, that was the important fact. She was dangerous. Her eyes closed for a moment, head turning slightly, about to speak when he continued.
"It’s all just silly excuses to make you feel better," At those words, a sudden defiance rose up in her. Her eyes lifted as he stood and she was soon on her feet, watching him, almost scowling in her anger. No it wasn’t! Did he think she felt better, feeling that she might do something wrong at every turning, to once more betray the people she cared about! It was easy to pretend it wasn’t true, to pretend everything was okay. She bit her lips now, tears threatening as he turned away, anger filling her, as well as upset. None of this was about her! She was trying to do what was right. She had thought leaving would protect them, and then thought perhaps staying would be better! She was trying to do the right thing by them and he made her sound so selfish!
"You want to go, fine," As he stepped away, turned her back, she was about to follow when those words really struck home. But she didn’t, not really. She wanted to stay, to work things out. These past few weeks, it seemed that gradually she was finding a way of fitting in. She didn’t want to abandon it. But those words struck hard. It was as if he was dismissing her, as if perhaps he wasn’t that bothered about it. Without even thinking about it, she felt herself slump slightly, taking a small step back. Was that it? Was she perhaps too much to be bothered with, even more so now she’d started to explain her problems, her weaknesses. Anger stopped the tears falling from her emerald eyes as she watched his back intensely, watching him move away.
"But I don’t want you saying bye to me," It was like someone had just thrown icy water over her, the chill which suddenly filled her at those words. A cold flush of reality. So that was that. No farewells, no comfort. Watching him walk away hurt more than she could explain. It felt the same as the day Jake vanished. No chance to say goodbye, instead left with an emptiness as he vanished from her life. And now Connor was doing the same, okay, at least here he should be safe. He would, at least, still be alive. But in many ways that made it so much worse. Her hand moved quickly to wipe the offending tear which rolled slowly down her cheek. Such a complicated stirring of emotions. She was angry, hurt. And deeply upset by what felt like Connor’s abandonment.
”I had changed my mind…” The words came as a shaky whisper, not sure if Connor could hear, not sure if she wanted him to. Racheal could feel herself trembling as she stood there, and her eyes closed briefly before she turned in the opposite direction, in that instant not caring for dignity as, unlike Connor, her instincts took over and she raced off, away from the scene which hurt and scared her so much. Running was a comfort, a way of distancing herself from whatever upset her. And it released the energy. Part of her knew that, if he wanted to, Connor could probably find her. But she didn’t expect him to. And she didn’t want him to, not at that moment.
When she had seen him coming over, only minutes it seemed earlier, she had been so glad. Almost as if the male was a ray of hope, and a sign of her change of heart. But now she felt like once more she’d gotten it wrong. It was her fault, her mind screamed. Again she’d screwed up, hurt someone who had trusted her. It was her fault. Because she couldn’t explain herself properly, because she allowed people to get close. Long ago, she had vowed to keep herself separate from others because it was too easy to get hurt. Trusting others was as dangerous as them trusting her. It had been a friend who had tried to have her killed. Why had she broken that vow and gotten close to people again? And now, as she came to rest under a tree deep in the woodland, she realised she would break her most recent vow. There was no point in staying. Not now anyway.
Hannah: In this world we're forced to make choices everyday. We don't always know the consequences. But it's how we react to them which makes us who we are
Re: A Broken Vow?Don’t look back. It seemed so easy a request, and Connor found it almost unbearable. Would it be too much to ask her to stay? Would it be that bad just to hang about the school and give it more time? What if he made more effort to make her fit in… surely his father knew activities that they could do, as students, to get out of the school, like the survival courses Madison told her brother about, or the out of school excursions like to the zoo. All the chaos in his thoughts made the whisper of Racheal’s voice sound like some obscure call in his mind, and some part of him wanted to believe she had called for him part wanted to think she wasn’t willing to just let him walk off without a fight. Though as he turned it was clear that was all just in his head, her figure was running but she was running away, was she already leaving? Had he pushed her to leave sooner…? The thought was upsetting, and Connor found himself unsure how to react, students were walking in small groups, he could hear them talking in the distance, but their presence felt invasive, for a moment, the whole school felt as if it were invading his personal space.
It was stupid really, because it wasn’t like Connor really had any rights to make demands for her to stay, and it wasn’t like they’d known each other long enough for him to say he wasn’t sure he wanted to face things without her just yet. No one else seemed as easy to talk to, even Chris had his limits to what Connor could discuss, the boy had enough concerns of his own and he was young, he shouldn’t be weighed down with stress and upset. Racheal was different… and she made not thinking of Sara so much easier, the used and dirty sensation he got lately when he thought of the girl was almost revolting, and yet with Racheal it didn’t matter. It was a shame he wasn’t sure he wanted to ever talk about… maybe one he didn’t want Racheal to know, that he was used so easily, manipulated and toyed with just to try and make it seem he was more normal then what he had been. Right there and then he’d have given anything to take it all back, to never have been involved with Sara and never have doubted his awkwardness around her. Because around Racheal he didn’t feel awkward, around her it felt ok, and right now he needed something that felt right, he even had started hoping it might have felt right for her too.
A small step was taken towards where the Racheal had fled, a moment of weakness as he desired to find her and convince her not to go, but then what? Obviously she didn’t feel the same way around him otherwise then she’d not be so keen to leave… he’d only make a fool of himself, worse then with Sara because at least with her it never risked hurting so much to walk away. Suddenly he felt so alone… she hadn’t even left the school and already Connor felt as if there was no one he could go to and speak with… Then again, Connor thought for a moment, if he couldn’t get Racheal to stay for him, maybe he could get someone else she knew to ask her to stay… maybe he could find someone who would be able to convince her and make everything seem better. Or maybe Connor just needed to bury his head under his pillow and drown in his misery… right now, his stomach grumbled, and he realized he could use a drink. Hiding or not, he was definitely just going to go to the apartment and think over things, he would find a way, he just needed time to think, and maybe, time for Racheal to cool off. It wasn’t like he’d never see her again, if he wanted, he could probably find her wherever she went, unless she really made it her mission to lose him. The thought upset the feral, and he felt disheartened by it, the idea that she would want nothing more to do with him, all because he probably wasn’t as sympathetic as he could have been. People really didn’t seem to be his strong point.
A hand covered the burning blue gaze, hiding away the tears that lightly brimmed the surface, it felt silly, to be so desperate over this, it wasn’t his choice as to if she stayed or not, it wasn’t his right, why was he even getting all worked up like this. It wasn’t like he didn’t often think of leaving… but he stopped because Chris was happy, and Logan was trying so hard, and he felt slightly at home, despite all the awkward moments, he was getting there. Maybe he just wanted to be the reason that Racheal decided not to leave, maybe he was just being selfish.
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