Breaking free and calling home (Logan)
((Got permission from PK to kill Cortez. With the Logan/Trade conversation it was discussed via MSN.))
The effects of the drug was wearing off and as Trade looked around at all of the blood that was on the floor, spattered along the walls,smeared on the door, and damn near coating her... she felt like she had just swallowed ten pounds of ice. her stomach had a heavy coldness to it, the chill spreading through her whole body as her eyes widened more and more in shock horror and pain a the realization of what happened. The realization that she was the reason why Cortez was crumpled dead and torn apart near the door he had tried to escape her out of.
Slowly, while still soaked in shock and as the emotions still trembled between seeping in and being ebbed, she went to the body and somehow found the cellphone in the bloody shreds of clothing he had clinging to him. The body spazzed, one remaining death throe that caused her to step back and to close her eyes as she swallowed hard. She then opened the cellphone, hoping it hadnt gotten too wet, and dialed the only number she cared to keep memorized; Logan's.
There was a ring, this causing her to give a breath out in relief. Then another half ring before the phone was picked up and she spoke, her tone still so calm as she had not yet let go of the last traces of the Null that was in her. "I didn't mean to call so late... or for it to be like this... I need to... I need to come home." She told him, her tone calm up until the very end where her voice hitched on the word home. She held her breath to keep herself from breathing irradicly.
"Lorilli is that you?... Dont worry about the time its just good to hear from you" Came Logan's reply. Some relief came in as she heard it was him and not someone else who might have picked up the phone. There came a pause from his side of the line before his voice came again. "Are you ok, kid? You're not hurt are you?" He asked her. No, she wasn't sure on if she were alright. She wasn't hurt, that was for sure... There were no fresh injuries on her and no risk of her getting any as the only wounds nearby were on a dead man and so far, she couldn't take injuries from something not living. "His house.... one of them... is at the edge of New York city." She started instead before giving a swallow. She wasn't sure on how much longer she could hold on before breaking down.
Breathing heavily suddenly, Lorili sank to the floor as her legs would no longer support her and a shuddering gasp came from her as she brought her crimson coated hands to her face and covered her eyes. Reality ws flooding in so quickly and now that she could feel everything again, she wanted to scream for release from her emotions once more. She wanted to inject herself with as much of the Null as possible if only it would push these feelings away. If only it would kill the pain.
"I don't know...." She whispered out after a drawn out moment of trying to calm herself. "I don't know if I'm okay..."
The sound of the phone ringing dragged Logan out of a sleep he for once had truly needed though for the life of him he couldn’t think why. It wasn’t as if his day had been any harder physically than usual. Indeed recently, apart from classes and training his life had been relatively quiet on that front. Relatively of course being the operative word where an X man was concerned. Still there had been no arduous missions, no saving the world on a daily basis. And yet here he was undeniably tired, as he forced open his eyes with a groan and looked belligerently at the offending clock.
2.05 am! Logan growled unhappily. This had better be important, otherwise whoever was on the other end was going to wish that they too had stayed asleep. The annoyed grunt he was planning to answer with never made it past his lips though. Not once he heard the voice. A young woman’s voice and one he surely recognised, though he had heard it all too infrequently.
"I didn't mean to call so late... or for it to be like this...” she told him, her words seemingly calm enough though something deep inside Logans stomach started to knot all the same, instinct telling him what his brain had as yet failed to register, that this calm could come before a very nasty storm. What did she mean ‘for it to be like this?’ Late? Impulsive?Unexpected? Or something worse? That line of questioning too was stopped in its tracks hopwever, as she said.. I need to... I need to come home."
"Lorilli” he asked, as his fatigue fell away “ is that you?...”It was a stupid question. He already knew that it was. But still he had to ask it anyway. Because this seemed too good to be true! When she had walked away he had been far from being sure that he would ever hear from her again. And now, no matter what the circumstances might be, good or bad, that had led her to contact him all he could feel was an overwhelming sense of relief.
She was alive. God, given her background that in itself was a minor miracle. “Dont worry about the time its just good to hear from you"” Logan reassured her, his own usually gruff voice reflecting the sincerity of his sentiments, though as the warning bells continued to go off in his head the transition from relief to concern was swiftly achieved. "Are you ok, kid? he asked anxiously You're not hurt are you?"
"His house.... one of them... is at the edge of New York city." If he had ever for a moment been deceived into thinking all was well his illusion was now well and truly shattered. No matter what tone they were delivered in these words were anything but composed. His house…? Who did she mean? Lorilli and men didn’t exactly mix from what he had seen. And the only male ‘acquaintance’ so to speak that she had had before him was the last person on earth that Logan wanted her to be anywhere near.
Maybe though she had met someone since they parted, he told himself hopefully. After all she had set out in search of a new life. Maybe she had found it and… What? It too had come tumbling down in ruins. Because from what he was hearing things sounded very far from right. And that wasn’t good no matter how you looked at it. "I don't know...." Lorilli said more shakily than before "I don't know if I'm okay..."
Logan was already out of bed, grabbing his clothes as he told her “Hang on in there kid, I’m on my way “ His mind was racing now as all kind of dreadful scenarios played themselves out in his thoughts but he pushed them aside and forced himself to stay calm. “ I just need you to tell me where you are, Lorilli. An address.. or failing that ......is there anything nearby that you recognise to serve as a landmark? Anything at all that can help me get to you quicker. Because I will get to you .You can count on that.”
Re: Breaking free and calling home (Logan)“Hang on in there kid, I’m on my way... I just need you to tell me where you are, Lorilli. An address.. or failing that ......is there anything nearby that you recognise to serve as a landmark? Anything at all that can help me get to you quicker. Because I will get to you .You can count on that.” She knew she could... That was why she had called him. Logan was the only one she could call. He was the first person she had met that she could really trust...
The address.... Where was she? Lorili didn't even know. Before, she hadn't cared about where they were staying or anything else for that matter so she hadn't memorized it. She wracked her brain to try to think clearly enough to think of what made the place stick out. "I don't know the address... I just know that there's a black metal fence around it and it is one of the isolated buildings along the shore." It was a wonder she paid even that much attention.
"I think it's the only one with that kind of fence... That's all I really can remember..." She told him before holding her breath for a moment to control her emotions again. They were slamming up against her and throwing her every which way, her flailing and grasping for any sign of stability so she wouldn't break down then and there.
It was as if everything that the Null had blocked out in the time she had been under Cortez's control had all built up until it had the chance to avalanche on her once the drug was faded out of her bloodstream. A small choke came from her as she suppressed the sob it would have become had it been let out to be formed into a complete one. She then cleared her throat to try to pass it off as something just having been in her throat. It wasn't just nothing. It was far from being nothing...
All of that time, in the background she had been writhing in pain as she fought and killed over and over again. She hadn't wanted to be like that. She hadn't wanted to become the trained monster at the end of Cortez's leash. Ever since the incident at the docks, she had wanted to give up that life but she had allowed hersel to fall into it again... And worse, she had found that on some days she had begged for Cortez to use her in the fights as it was only when she cooperated that he would give her the Null.
She cleared her throat again. "He never closed his eyes..." She said seemingly out of nowhere.
Re: Breaking free and calling home (Logan)"I don't know the address...” Logan swore silently as he finished dressing, thrusting bare feet into reluctant shoes, hoping against hope that Lorilli would at least provide him with something that could set him on her trail. Because if she didn’t this could take time. And time was a luxury he was pretty sure he couldn’t afford at the moment. “ I just know that there's a black metal fence around it and it is one of the isolated buildings along the shore." she told him finally, narrowing his search down to one district at least. Not much to go on he had to admit, but better than nothing. And in any case all he had. Or maybe not.
"I think it's the only one with that kind of fence...” Lorilli said just as he exited the apartment , thankful that, for once, the kittens hadn’t been woken into mewling activity by his departure. “That's all I really can remember..."She was close to breaking. The catch in her voice told him that more clearly than any scream. All the calm she had tried to project was only a façade and underneath…… Well that was something he’d have to deal with when he got to her. And he was sadly better qualified to do so than most. But for now…..
Phones and bikes didn’t mix. Wincing slightly Logan put the Bluetooth devise in his all too sensitive ear and thrust the phone into the pocket of his jeans. God how he hated these things but there was no other way. Lorilli was hanging by a thread, a thread that was in all probability his voice. And he was damned if he was going to cut it no matter how uncomfortable things got. "He never closed his eyes” Logan drew a silent breath, his imagination filling in details in a myriad of scenarios, none of which finished well. Crap they were alike but hopefully not to this extent. Surely he was overreacting and yet…
He knew what anger could drive her to. Anger and betrayal! He had felt the knife sink into his gut. He had looked into her eyes as she had twisted it. And in that moment he had recognised himself. So he wasn’t fooling himself for one second as he made his way swiftly down to his waiting bike. There was chaos waiting for him at the other end of this line. Chaos and death and blood! And that was Ok. He could handle that. Because just for once the person he cared for would walk away. And damn it, after all the @#%$ he had lived through, that was nothing less than a victory for the good guys!
“You’re doing great” he told the waiting girl.”Now all you have to do is hang on a little longer. Wait and you’ll hear the bike start….. Ill be on my way in a couple of minutes.” God though it seemed to take forever to get to the garage and rev up the bike. Though he knew he got there as fast as he could. Then he was driving, as fast as he could, regardless of laws and conventions. Knowing that all of them had already been broken this evening! Letting the sound of the engine tell Lorilli that he hadn’t deserted her! That he was keeping his promise. That he would get her through this. One wqy or another.
Re: Breaking free and calling home (Logan)“You’re doing great” She heard Logan state after a brief pause. She didn't feel it... She really didn't feel she was doing great. ”Now all you have to do is hang on a little longer. Wait and you’ll hear the bike start….. Ill be on my way in a couple of minutes.” He told her.
Hearing that he would be there, on the other end of the phone on his way there to her the whole time helped her some. She wouldn't be alone! It meant that she would have someone there in a way besides the dead eyed Cortez who continued to stare at her and caused her to keep staring back. She couldn't look away from him.... He still had a hold on her even in death... Another small choke came from her as she held back a sob that threatened. Silent tears broke their way free to slide down her cheeks.
There came a rumble from the other end of the phone; the sound of a motorcycle revving up. She didn't know how he was keping the line open between them when he was out of his room and on a motorcycle but she didn't ask either, just being greatful. Even as she heard the rising and falling of the sound of the engine, she was stuck to silence, trying to tear her gaze away from the havoc she's cause but unable to as memories of what was going through her mind soaked in.
"I... I couldn't feel anything. The whole time, I couldn't feel anything no matter how hard I tried... But now, I don't want to feel..." Now, there did come a sob and she lowered the phone some as sounds of pain and heartbreak broke loose from her in whimpers and more sobs. She covered the reciever, trying to block the sounds from him. Ashamed of her own pain and the way her voice betrayed her. She hadn't wanted to break down. Once she got herself enough under control, she uncovered the reciever. "When... when you get here... Can we find it please?... I don't know where he keeps it. I just want it to stop..." She was being weak, she knew she was but getting rid of the pain was more important. She didn't care that the Null would strip her of her other emotions... just as long as it got rid of the pain and horror.
"Even without feeling, I couldn't let him do it. I couldn't do it... I think that it's because I couldn't even feel him that it happened..."
Re: Breaking free and calling home (Logan)
He was pushing the bike as hard as he could. Watching out for cops all the same because his gut was screaming at him that the police were the last people he wanted involved in this mess. And it was a mess. If he had ever had any doubts about that they had been dispelled by Lorilli’s silence. A silence he sensed was not provoked by any loss of the voice she had tried so hard to recover, but rather by the fact that the only events she could use it to relate were so full of horror and pain that it was her only defence.
Each minute that he heard her unsteady breathing was a minute that brought him closer to her. Or at least to the general area she thought she was in. Damn it the uncertainty was driving him crazy. Because if he got this wrong then he wasn’t sure Lorilli could hold on until he fixed things. If in fact he could ever fix this. And when she finally did speak again he was far from being sure that he could
"I... I couldn't feel anything. The whole time, I couldn't feel anything no matter how hard I tried... .But now, I don't want to feel” That was bad . That was more than bad. Though, he told himself, it could just have been her survival instinct kicking in! Push what you can’t handle to one side until you can face it. And if you never can than that’s ok too. Because at least you’re still alive to try! He had forgotten how many times he had had to do that. But that was him and this was Lorilli. And she should never have had to face something that would make you do that alone! He should have followed her. He should have brought her back. He should have……. Interfered in her life! Told her that he knew better than she did! Which when it came to crap maybe he did. Because God knows he had seen enough of it.
In the end though it hadn’t been his place to do that! If he had he’d have become like everyone else she had ever known. Telling her she wasn’t good enough to make it alone. When he knew in his heart that she was! Even as he had known that she would have to make her own mistakes if she was ever going to realise that. But this mistake… Would it ruin her? No! Of that he was sure. He wouldn’t let it. Even if he had no idea what it would cost him to make good that promise. Especially when Lorilli spoke again
"When... when you get here... Can we find it please?... I don't know where he keeps it. I just want it to stop..." If alarm bells had been ringing in his head up till now the entire damned security system exploded when she said that. He knew need when he heard it. And he didn’t like what he heard. There were many kinds of dependencies and, at one time or another, the government had made him try them all. Even if his mutant powers had in the end saved him that hadn’t stopped him from feeling the attraction. And he heard it now in Lorilli’s voice just as he had smelled it in Michael’s veins. And in Scott’s! No matter how much it hurt him to admit it.
Yet despite everything she had apparently fought it. Whatever it was that she now craved. ."Even without feeling, I couldn't let him do it.” Again this reference to him! And now most definitely not in a good way. Or was that just his mind trying to justify her actions? Who was this guy she had been forced to affront? Given what he thought might have happened Logan could only hope that he had been a real bastard. How sad was that. He who had wanted only the best for Lorilli was now hoping for the worst. Because if the thing she hadn’t been able to feel had been love then they were both screwed.
“I couldn't do it...” Do what? Something bad? Or something that could have been ultimately good? Either answer fitted. And that burned into him as he rode towards her. Because he had known how damaged she was when he had let her go! Yet still he had let her leave. And now… Had she killed some unsuspecting or even knowingly willing lover…. Or some manoeuvring son of a bitch who had taken advantage of her? He couldn’t tell. Though he knew which one he was now hoping for.
Otherwise she was lost beyond all saving. And if that was the case then….. God help him he had to do as he had promised. He had to keep her safe. One way or another. He had to be faithful to the spirit she had shown him. The one who wouldn’t want to kill the things she loved.! The one who would rather die herself than do that. *Please God don’t let it come to that* he prayed as he turned towards the shore road. *That’s not how this story is supposed to end.*
I think that it's because I couldn't even feel him that it happened..." Lorilli went on as Logan roared ever nearer, drawing deep breaths now as he tried to catch her scent on the wind.What he caught first though was the smell of the blood! No room for doubt now, it was thick and coppery, freshly spilled and copious. And it belonged to Cortez!
Relief was instantaneous. If she had to kill someone then it should have been him after all he had put her through. But even so.. What could he have possibly done to drive her to this? That was what worried Logan now as he pulled up into the yard. Was it some new twisted atrocity or just the accumulation of his abuse that had pushed her over the edge. Well he would find out soon enough.
The door was unlocked, opening easily as he turned the handle. And walked into a slaughterhouse! The blood was everywhere, splattered on walls and floor and ceiling. Logan had seen things like this before. Usually he was the one standing in the middle of it with his claws running red. Not this time though. This was Lorilli’s work and her blood was mingled with that of her victims. Because Cortez was dead, of that there was no question. Literally ripped apart by a girl he thought he could control. And who had proved him wrong in spectacular fashion.
The violence was over now. Only its aftermath remained. A scene from a third rate horror movie where no expense had been spared on the special effects. A fragile heroine sitting in a pool of gore she herself had created. Logan was at her side in a second, kneeling down to take her in his arms as he had that day in the kitchen when he himself had been the one to feel her anger. This time though there were no mutant powers to step in and provide them with a miracle. This time the dead would be staying dead. And that was something they would both have to deal with.
Re: Breaking free and calling home (Logan)
When the door opened, she didn't move. She didn't even look to see who it was that entered the room. There weren't that man choices of people who could be coming at this time. Either someone had somehow heard Cortez's screams and it was now the police... What didn't seem too likely as they would have most likely either hammered at the door or slammed their way in... A late night "business arrangement partner" which she would have most likely had to either put out of commission or would be frightened away by the scene... Or Logan, the one she would have wanted to keep from having to see this mess yet who she needed there so badly.
It was Logan and when she saw him move toward her, she finally blinked after a long while of having her eyes open and locked on the remains of Cortez. Tears spilled with that blink and a small coked sound came with them; her hands coming up to cover her face. The phone she had been using fell into her lap, it no longer being held and when she felt arms around her she couldn't hold back any more.
There had been times where she had been forced to be strong. He face a situation unflinchingly as a sign of weakness was something that could possibly get her killed then... Right now, all of that strength left her and she was left completely and utterly vounerable to the emotions that crashed against her like violent waves on a rocky shore. Still, if she were able to take it back, she wouldn't. She would find herself killing him again. The knowledge of this was something she didn't know how to handle...
She had killed someone she had thought of as a father figure... Even though he was a twisted evil man, he had taken her in and taught her. Even if he had been using her he had still been there when she had no one else and had given her a way of having an outlet for her anger and pain although it was the wrong way of letting it out. Although he had lied when he said he thought of her as a daughter and that he was looking out for her, she had wanted to believe so much that it was true for those years. Even after she had been shown what life really could be like, she had still cared about the man at some level as unhealthy as it might have been to have a bond with such a bastard.
He had to be killed. His plans had been aweful and she would never allow herself to be a part of it even with emotions supposedly set aside. As she cried there in an embrace meant to comfort and protect, she could already feel the memory of what had pushed her to kill Cortez fading. Lorili could only remember thinking that the man had to be killed... and then her making the action to do just that... But it hadn't been as simple as that. She could have ended him with just one simple stab of the glass. But it hadn't turned out that way. She had stabbed, slashed, and cut away at herself sending him the wounds as he tried to get away; each injury she sent being her trying to get some feeling, even just a shred of emotion. None came though. No matter how many wounds opened up on the man, she couldn't feel a thing.
Well, she was feeling it now. All of it. She felt horrified by her own actions, pain of loss of someone who had more importance to her than he should have, guilt for having made a last betrayal.... and a part of her felt a kind of relief. Shame welled up in her, it being one of the stronger emotions at the moment. Even if the Null had helped her in going through with the action as it caused her to have nothing to hesitate over, it could have gone another way and she could have spared Logan from all of this.
He didn't have to see this. He didn't need to see what she had done or how she was in the aftermath of it all. Damn it... she could still feel Cortez's eyes staring at her. Trade wanted to cut them out. She wanted to move him so he was looking some other way.. but she hadn't had the guts to do either fifteen minutes ago or now. Just like she hadn't had the guts to die with him. There was so much for her if she continued to live but at the same time she wasn't sure. She didn't know if there was anything for her. What was there really for someone with her history? A murderer and someone who had sold her sould blood and tears for moments of what, venting?
It had already been prooved that she hadn't been able to handle a life oustside of the one she had been pulled into by Cortez. No matter what promises she made to herself there was always blood spilled out of anger and she ended up crawling back to the cage in one way or another... But... There was always a but... But she had done something that showed sign of her not being completely lost and completely fitting into the Trade Cortez had sculpted in an image he held in his mind for her. She had let go of her anger and took away an injury from someone she had labled an enemy. That and she had opened herself enough to feel something toward someone that she had never thought she would be able to feel.
Fear struck her. Hard, fast, and strong. As much as she had cared about Cortez and had a bond with him she had been able to do something like this. What if she ended up turning on Logan as well? She had already hurt him once and killed him once even if it had been actions taken out of false hatred she still had been able to do something like that. She didn't want that to happen again. If she had been able to do it once, there was something in her that had allowed her to go that far and there was no insurance on it not coming out again one day. Not as long as she lived.
"... Kill me..." She whispered out as she managed to swallow one of her sobs. "I don't want this to happen again... Not with you. I don't ever want to end up turning on you too." Lorili told him, lowering her hands from her face. "I'm not safe... Kill me."
Re: Breaking free and calling home (Logan)
She had told him she hadnt felt anything as she had killed Cortez and maybe that was true. Though it didn’t look that way to Logan. There was nothing cold and calculating about the carnage that surrounded them. This had been caused by an explosion of something. Hate!. Rage! Self loathing! The realisation that once again she had been betrayed. Logan didn’t know, nor did he care. What mattered was that Lorilli was weeping in his arms, emerging from a state of shock into one of realisation. And that carried with it its own attending problems.
Would those emotions she claimed to have lost now come back to destroy her? He knew all to well that it was possible. After all he had lived through the same thing when the Connor and Madison had been kidnapped. How many had he killed back then in blind retribution? He hadn’t stopped to count. What was etched into his mind though was how he had felt when he had looked around and seen what his anger had let him do. Oh he hadn’t regretted their deaths. They had more than deserved to die and he would have killed them again if he had had too without a moments hesitation. No what had sickened him was the ease with which the beast inside him had taken over, turning his rage into a whirlwind of adamantine blades, striking even the concept of mercy from his soul until it had run its course.
The government had wanted a killing machine and that was what they had got. And no matter how hard he tried to fight that, to be something else, something more, in the end, that was still what lay at his core, as much a part of him as the adamantine they had poured over his bones. Only unlike the metal, this instinct was something he believed had been in him all along. It was hard to live with. The knowledge that you could kill, wipe your claws and then kill again! Those who could do it, human or mutant were a breed apart, separated from others by the knowledge of how it felt to take a life. Now that was something else he and Lorilli had in common though he wished to god it wasn’t. And like it or not what had happened here would change her life forever.
She knew that too. "... Kill me..." she said quietly . "I don't want this to happen again... Not with you. I don't ever want to end up turning on you too." Logan rocked her gently though his eyes filled with pain at her words, their expression for once revealing the years that time refused to show on his face. "I'm not safe... Kill me."
She could ask that of him because she knew that he was capable of doing it. If it had truly been the only thing left to do in order to save her then he really would have done it. Though it would have broken his heart! As it was he knelt to face her taking her tear stained face in his hands “Look at me, Lorilli” he said desperately. “Look at me. Do you think I’m safe? Do you really believe I haven’t done this and worse?”
“You think this is murder Lorilli but its not. This “he said indicating the blood soaked room “ this is suicide!” Logan was deadly earnest, no hint of anything but the truth in his voice as he went on “Ok you took Cortez’s life today but remember I would have taken it weeks ago if you hadn’t stopped me. @#%$ I wish you hadn’t. You gave him another chance. And what did he do with it?” He looked hard into her eyes pouring his conviction into her. “Something so bad that you had to stop him. That’s what you told me, remember “
“You did this to keep him from hurting people. To keep him from using you again! That’s why he’s dead, Lorilli. And that’s why you don’t ever have to worry about turning on me. Because I’m not him. And I will not betray you,do you hear. Not now . Not ever! .
Re: Breaking free and calling home (Logan)
When she asked him to kill her, she felt him begin to rock her again and at the same time felt his body tense around her. What she didn't know was why he had reacted in that way. Was it just that hard to make a killing blow even when she relieved him of the promise he had made of never hurting her? If so then he would be mistaken because he wouldn't be hurting her. In her oppinion, he would be helping her from hurting him and hurting herself in the process. She was ready to just break down and beg him to do it. If anyone were to sever the chord that kept her conected to life, she wanted it to be him as she didn't think she could do herself in... and she sure as hell wasn't going to let anyone else do it.
Or had he tensed because he was bringing himself to do her that favor and keep her from spilling any more blood? Some people, even if they had killed in the past, had trouble finishing off someone they had grown some kind of attatchment to. Logan and her had an attatchment. Even if there was no chance in ten thousand hells of him feeling the way about her that she felt for him, there was care there. Friendship. So she wouldn't blame him for taking a few moments to gather himself and build himself up. She prepared herself for when the claws would possibly come and to keep herself from sending the wounds no matter how painful they may be or if not, no matter how hard her abilities tried to preserve her.
When he spoke, she flinched invoulentarily, having not expected his voice without the accompanying of the stabs she had visualized at that point. “Look at me, Lorilli... Look at me. Do you think I’m safe? Do you really believe I haven’t done this and worse?” She didn't want to look at him but slowly, she raised her face to do so reluctantly. She didn't want him to see into her eyes. Not after all that had happened. She had been too weak and then she had betrayed the man she thought of as a father and then she had dragged the only person she trusted into the mess she had made... Yes, she did think he was safe. At least he had control. Her, she seemed to be lacking in it... The only thing she was good at was killing. She didn't know if he had done worse or not but he had changed. He had the ability to change! If not then he wouldn't be who he was now!... Her on the other hand.... There was no hope for her doing the same. She had only one purpose in life and she lost her desire for that purpose- lost her desire to kill. So why not be killed?
“You think this is murder Lorilli but its not. This... this is suicide!” Logan told her in serious tones. How was this suicide? She had killed Cortez, she had his blood all over her and she could still feel the bloodloss of her own. This may have not been murder as murder didn't usually end up this messy... but this was no suicide either. It had been more of a torturous slaughter. One that someone criminally insane would have done... Logan spoke again to break her out of her thoughts.
“Ok you took Cortez’s life today but remember I would have taken it weeks ago if you hadn’t stopped me. @#%$ I wish you hadn’t. You gave him another chance. And what did he do with it?.. Something so bad that you had to stop him. That’s what you told me, remember." She almost wished she had let him kill the man... but then it would have been his hands and face that were stained most likely... even if the death may have come a lot quicker she didn't want Logan to have to have been the one to become dirty like that and back then, she hadn't been able to bear the thought of Cortez being killed.... She wanted it to be undone. She wished she hadn't killed him. But he was going to do something so against her ability to blindly follow that it had reached through the controlled Trade and to the tangled Lorili in the background and caused her to snap.
“You did this to keep him from hurting people. To keep him from using you again! That’s why he’s dead, Lorilli. And that’s why you don’t ever have to worry about turning on me. Because I’m not him. And I will not betray you,do you hear. Not now . Not ever!" More tears spilled, hot and silent and cutting more clean paths through the blood that covered her cheeks. Her hands slowly went to the sides of her head, fingers wrapping themselves around loose red and white hair. She closed her eyes and lowered her head again, fighting back the rest of the tears that threatened. "I... I don't even know why I killed him anymore... All I can.... All I can remember is thinking he needed to be killed.... and then... I just kept cutting him... I just kept stabbing him and tearing away at him and myself as I tried to feel what I knew I was supposed to be feeling. But there was nothing... No matter how much he screamed and bled and tried fighting back... I couldn't feel anything..." She told him.
"If I can't even remember why I did this to him then how do I know? How do I know I won't be the one ending up betraying you? I know you wouldn't betray me. I can't even imagine you doing something like that anymore. Not after all you've done for me without asking for anything in return... I trust you.... That's why I'm... so .. terrified." Lorili told him before a sob came. "I'm terrified of the knowledge that I don't have a choice in what I do, only how I handle the aftermath... and even then, I can't always do it. I... I wish I could learn how to have control... but I'm good at is killing... You see that here and you saw it first hand." She said with her tone full of regret.
"And I don't want to kill anyone else... So i my whole purpose is to kill and I don't want to do it anymore, why should I keep living?.. I'm sure he's wondering that as he stares at us."
Re: Breaking free and calling home (Logan)
He had her attention at least, though whether or not that would be enough to break through to her this time Logan didn’t know. Still her eyes had come up to meet his. To meet them and hold, as if his face was the only thing lying between her and madness. Which, given the situation, it could very well have been.
Not for the first time Wolverine found himself wishing that he had even a hundredth of Jean’s powers. Not necessarily the ability to read other peoples thoughts, but…. oh, at moments like this, he would have given a lot for the ability to let people see his!
Words were all well and good. If you used them properly that was. The trouble was that he knew he didn’t. He stumbled over them at the best of times or, worse still, kept them locked up inside. That along and his stupid pride had cost him his marriage. He only hoped to god it wouldn’t cost him this girl’s life as well.
At least Lorili hadn’t retreated back into silence. Though what she said wasn’t necessarily easy to hear. "I... I don't even know why I killed him anymore... she told Logan unsteadily. All I can.... All I can remember is thinking he needed to be killed.... and then... What other reason did she need? That was what Logan’s instinct’s screamed at him and for once his mind was in total agreement.
Cortez had been a bastard who had more than merited to die at Lorili’s hands. If there was any pity in Logan’s heart when he looked around the blood soaked room it wasn’t for the man who had repeatedly used and drugged her. It was instead for the girl he had driven to such extremes. The one who was even now, despite all the crap he had been pumping into her was wishing for death because of what she had done.
“I just kept cutting him... I just kept stabbing him and tearing away at him and myself as I tried to feel what I knew I was supposed to be feeling. But there was nothing... No matter how much he screamed and bled and tried fighting back... I couldn't feel anything..."
" How could she? Logan thought. With the drugs running through her veins! Screw around with people like him and Lorili enough and in the end you paid the price. She had just taken much longer than he ever had to react. You reap what you sow, that had always been Logan’s way of looking at things. And Cortez had sown the seeds of this little massacre a long time ago.
But now the retribution was over and for the one left behind doubt was setting in. "If I can't even remember why I did this to him then how do I know? How do I know I won't be the one ending up betraying you?” It always came back to that one point, didn’t it. It was, in the end, her ultimate concern. Not how she could live with what she had done, though that was undoubtedly there to waiting to raise its ugly head in the near future, but the fear that she might do it again in the future. To him in particular. And when she spoke again he knew exactly why. After all, hadn’t he done everything he could to make it that way?
I know you wouldn't betray me.” Lorili said fervently. I can't even imagine you doing something like that anymore. Not after all you've done for me without asking for anything in return... I trust you.... That's why I'm... so .. terrified." Wasn’t that what he had wanted? Wasn’t that what he had worked so hard to achieve? And now look where it had brought her ! Though…..Logan forced himself to think things through. Who would she have turned to now if he hadn’t been there? Would she just have sat in the gore and waited to be taken? Perhaps killed those who came to arrest her! Surely that would have been worse?
Then again, if she had known nothing different, would she even have seen through Cortez’s manipulations? Maybe not,he had to admit But but still.. What he had done had been right! The sort of right that Xavier and Scott always went on about! And if his actions had led to this room then that wasn’t his fault any more than it was Lorili’s. *On your own head be it Cortez* Wolverine thought once and for all. *Now the only thing that matters is making sure yours is the only life that ends here tonight. And that is going to be far from easy.*
"I'm terrified of the knowledge that I don't have a choice in what I do, only how I handle the aftermath... and even then, I can't always do it. I... I wish I could learn how to have control... but I'm good at is killing... You see that here and you saw it first hand."
Logan drew a breath of something like relief. Here at least was familiar territory. Even if advancing upon it was like walking through a landmine. And yet there was no way to tread the diplomatic path around this mess. Not for him anyway. “What you are good at kid” he said seriously “is surviving. And that’s something we all do when we have to. You and me though…. we do it better than most. And we probably would with or without our powers.”
“That’s what Cortez saw in you. That’s why he put you in the cage. But that doesn’t make you a killer. And neither does this. Not if you don’t want to be. “Logan released her from his arms but took her hands in his as he continued speaking. “You’re talking about control Lorili. And that’s is something that can be learned. At the Institute. That’s why it was set up. To help people like us keep their powers in check. Until they decide to use them that is”
“You see” he said with a sigh… “I screwed up when you were at Xavier’s. I should have known that you still needed to fight. Deep down I think I did. But…. you seemed so tired and……………… I didn’t want to seem like him.. God, anything but that! So I never gave you the chance”
“Instead I tried to … separate Lorili and Trade. As if your life as Trade was ……..” Logan searched for the words.. “something you could just cast off and leave behind. Worse.. something that needed to be cast off. And that’s just not true. Even if Lorili did need a chance to grow! Geeze I’m not making any sense at all I’m sure.
Logan bent forward , closing his eyes for a second before continuing. “What I’m trying to say is… The Institute can help you gain control of your powers that much is for sure. .But we can also.. if you want to….. and only if you want to…. maybe give you a cause you can fight for without bars and without shame. Something you could be proud to be a part of as I am. And which might just satisfy that need for the fight that we both have without this ever happening again.
Re: Breaking free and calling home (Logan)
It was the first time she had admitted that she was afraid of anything to anyone but at this moment, she didn't really care. All she could do was tell him the truth. There was emotion in her raw and so strong she couldn't ignore it if she tried. She had to try to hold it back some though a she didn't know how to deal with it. “What you are good at kid.. is surviving. And that’s something we all do when we have to. You and me though…. we do it better than most. And we probably would with or without our powers... That’s what Cortez saw in you. That’s why he put you in the cage. But that doesn’t make you a killer. And neither does this. Not if you don’t want to be." Logan told her.
She didn't! She didn't want to be but it happened anyway as she couldn't stop herself from going out to kill. In the places she was drawn to through her addiction to fighting and pain, the rules were to kill or be killed and she survived every time... Well, her body did anyway. She wasn't too sure abouther soul. As he moved away, she felt a bit of a loss but not being one to cling, she just simply waited to see what was going to happen. Even waiting a portion of a second seemed to drag on though as she wondered if maybe what she had said sank in more and he had changed his mind about wanting to be there. His continuation of speech settled her nerves slightly though. “You’re talking about control Lorili. And that’s is something that can be learned. At the Institute. That’s why it was set up. To help people like us keep their powers in check. Until they decide to use them that is”
“You see... I screwed up when you were at Xavier’s. I should have known that you still needed to fight. Deep down I think I did. But…. you seemed so tired and……………… I didn’t want to seem like him.. God, anything but that! So I never gave you the chance” He told her. She couldn't blame him. Not if he cared about her that is. Lorili couldn't imagine anyone who cared wanting to even take a chance of seeming to be like Cortez. He was right, she had been tired... But she had been fooling herself as a part of her would never break itself free from that shady area of her life. No matter how much she bled or cried or tried to drag herself out or thought she had the ability to get away from it. Logan hadn't messed up though. He had been giving her a chance to at least try to stay away from the violence. She squeezed his hands lightly, unable to bring out any words just yet.
“Instead I tried to … separate Lorili and Trade. As if your life as Trade was …….. something you could just cast off and leave behind. Worse.. something that needed to be cast off. And that’s just not true. Even if Lorili did need a chance to grow! Geeze I’m not making any sense at all I’m sure... “What I’m trying to say is… The Institute can help you gain control of your powers that much is for sure. .But we can also.. if you want to….. and only if you want to…. maybe give you a cause you can fight for without bars and without shame. Something you could be proud to be a part of as I am. And which might just satisfy that need for the fight that we both have without this ever happening again." When he told her that, she gave him a somewhat bewildered expression. She didn't really understand what he might be bringing up and it was a foreign concept to her that she wasn't sure if she had heard correctly. As Lorili stared at him for a moment, she realized that she did hear him right and that an offer had been placed up for her. But what exactly was it? How could there be a way to follow her addiction and not be ashamed by it when it was all over?
"I've... heard something close to what you're saying before..." Her eyes wandered away from him and to the corpse before going back to him again. "I don't think I can trust you... But I know I can. I... I want to try it but after what happened here.... Would it be possible? If the people at the mansion knew..." Lorili trailed off, reluctantly slipping her hands out of his and looking down. "It didn't happen in a cage, I killed him just to kill him... not only that but... this room is covered in him..."
If they would still let her, she would accept Logan's offer but she didn't know who would after what had happened that night. She was a danger. To herself. To them. To everyone.
There wasn’t the terrible pulling away that he had feared would come at the mere mention of the word fighting. There wasn’t even the look of betrayal that he had been certain he would see in her eyes though there was no doubt that his proposal sounded like something Cortez would have said as Lorili herself was quick to point out. Still when she spoke again he was sure he had lost her "I don't think I can trust you... she told him sending his heart plummeting until she added, miraculously, unbelievably, But I know I can.”
This time it was Wolverine who thought his ears must be deceiving him. But it didn’t seem so. She really did have that much faith in him. It was humbling to say the least and profoundly touching and … sure as hell…. something Logan was going to make sure she never regretted. As it was, the bond between them seemed to give her something to hold on to, a lifeline readily thrown her way and which it appeared she was ready to seize despite all the horrors she had just lived through. “I... I want to try it” she told him ‘but after what happened here....”
What happened here, had happened! No getting away from that one. But he was damned if he was going to let it hang round her neck for the rest of her life like some frigging albatross. The past was the past! You lived with it. You learned from it. You moved on. And though Cortez was hardly cold he was still the past! He was long overdue to step out of Lorili’s life and let her get on with her future!
Would it be possible? She asked him worriedly “If the people at the mansion knew..." Knew what? That she’d killed someone. Big deal! She wouldn’t be the first and she surely wouldn’t be the last. Though of course that was another thing he hadn’t exactly shouted from the rooftops when she had been at the Institute. "It didn't happen in a cage, Lorili went on hopelessly I killed him just to kill him... not only that but... this room is covered in him..."
“You killed him to stop him.” Logan told her firmly. “ and if it went down like this then that’s because he’s been messing with your head for years! People at the Institute will understand that. Giving people a second chance is something they do a lot. After all they gave me one, didn’t they.”
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