Dairy Entry: Riley Finn. 14.3.2024
In just two weeks I’ll have been a part of this school for exactly two years. It’s hard to believe I was a freshly turned twenty year old and now I’ve just turned twenty-two. It means I will be entering my third year here, the start of which is overcast with too many uncertainties, but then when has my life ever been anything but uncertain? I remember when I came here, it had only been a temporary assignment. I didn’t feel guilty, or ashamed, or as if I was betraying these people, because in truth I was helping them, at least if you look at it from my prospective. All they will see is my deception, my twisted tales and half lies, that’s all they will care about, that’s all that ever matters, the fact that I wasn’t a hundred percent honest. They won’t see the fact that the government was suspicious, worried, near panic even. The official I talked with was concerned a few other high ranking personnel were getting uncomfortable with whispers of what was occurring in this school, and that was a rumour of possible mutants travelling from across the world to take part in whatever was occurring here.
I didn’t request this, I didn’t even have a choice, not unless I was willing to allow men who held power to use their control to confront the possible threat such a school as this could cause if with ill intentions. I suppose part of me was willing to do it because they had helped me. If it wasn’t for the passing students, Connor, Angela, a few others, then who knows what would have happened in the ally. I was in a fight, it’s all I’ve ever been involved in for as long as I can remember really, always fighting, my team chased a few unidentified ‘hostiles’ into a back ally after the demons were discovered to have been feeding on civilians. I got banged up a bit, nothing too serious, well, anything that isn’t fatal isn’t serious when you’re an agent of the Initiative. A few fractured ribs, I think one or two were broken, I got thrown hard into some railings so I was lucky nothing else broke.
My team decided the capture of the demonic entities was more important then a fallen comrade, it wasn’t the first time the mission took priority over the people involved, or the innocents in the area. I don’t think the faculty realize how much I respected the school within the first few days, at least in the way everyone treated each other. It was a strange school atmosphere mixed with something more homey and personal about it. I don’t think I had the grandest first impressions with the residential doctor, Henry McCoy, often called either Hank or ‘Beast’, I … accidentally struck him across the face with a balled fist. The Initiative told me how dangerous mutants in general were, that the power always went to their heads, I was anxious and uneasy with the idea of being surrounded by them, but at the same time, they all seemed so normal… even those that didn’t look at all human. But in truth, when I woke and saw Beast there, it wasn’t mutant that rang in my mind, we took so many hostiles off the streets, preformed so many studies, both on the living creatures and their dead bodies… Maybe part of me got scared that I was the one under the cutting knife, I was the one getting studied… I hate doctors.
I think what saved me was the fact I was surprised McCoy was a mutant, then again the doctor seems to have a lot of patience. I read the files of the X-men, a few of the students as well, but mostly all the faculty, at least what the government had on them, most of which I’ve since discovered isn’t entirely true in a few sections. I remember Connor felt he had to be my tour guide for a few days, he was doing that with everyone though, he really took his position as a team leader, or a potential leader at that time, very serious. The people here are like his family, I suppose listening to the way he talked helped integrate me more into this ‘culture’, and befriending the eldest Enright unintentionally helped the faculty notice my ‘talents’. It took three months to give my report to my officials, I told them the school was a safe haven for those who were different, they were trained to better control their abilities to protect both themselves and those around them from harm, and that most strived to be equal not to conquer or overthrow anyone.
I really was taken back by the secrets this school holds, but I never told any, I never betrayed them, but they’ll never believe me, because I’ve lied to them about other things, why would they believe me for this? I think Professor Walsh knew I was hiding something, or that something was here, she sort of relented in letting me stay, I think because … I think she could sense I didn’t want to go back there. I still snuck out of the school to help deal with hostiles, I sometimes told Xavier that I was going to my foster family for a holiday if I was assigned anything over a week. But after the first year I kept drifting away… more and more consumed in the ideals of the X-men and their dreams, the people, the passion. It was more then what the Initiative offered, and now I understand why the passion was so different here, so enthralling compared to back in the base. We didn’t have any passion, Walsh and all the others took it from us, they took everything, our compassion, our dreams, our very soul seemed to have been suppressed in their search for the ultimate soldier.
I wasn’t the only one who was proving difficult to the Initiative, but I was the only Special Agent who was being troublesome, the only person of my rank. I think some of us weren’t being effected by the Initiative’s programs as well as the majority were. But still, I was effected, I did things I can’t believe I was able to do so effortlessly, I remember watching things, having others do things to me, to those around me, I just never seemed able, or willing, to fight them.
I suppose that was another thing about the school, I like their attitudes here, their will to go to extremes without surrendering and sacrificing all they could just to achieve their goals, they keep their morality, they keep their honour. I never liked lying to them, but it’s not like they asked me if I was an agent, I never told them I wasn’t, no one ever really asked, and in my eyes, the Initiative was my foster family, I was just telling them the partial truth, never blunt lies… not that it makes my dishonesty acceptable. I just wish I could do something, anything… just erased the knowledge that I had been anything but honest with these people. I don’t even know how the doctor managed to get me to talk, I guess I was really tired and admittedly I was a little scared… but still, I’ve been in worse states and handled terrible assaults from rivals who wanted to know what secrets my team and myself held. I don’t even remember Dr McCoy asking me about it, I don’t really remember anything that happened, just that one moment it was ok, and then the next my entire life is threatened to be destroyed. A simple request for me to leave is all it will take, perhaps death will not come to me, but if I am lucky it will, otherwise I’ll be either back in the Initiative, or handed over towards Agamemnon. Apparently Belthazor arranged a few things in order to gain information from me regarding the school, and when I didn’t give my officials anything, he decided he’ll get my secrets another way.
I’m not sure what I’m scared of most, being hunted my entire life, fearing for the ones I love every moment of the day, or knowing that when I die, if they get me, I really will betray the school, and everyone who has tried so hard to be there for me. I could never do that to them, but I don’t know if they know that, I’d rather be a prisoner of these walls then a tool of their destruction. Part of me fears I’ve already been a bit of the latter, all I can pray for is that they’ll forgive me, and maybe Catherine will one day forgive me for ever having opened that door for her the day she arrived. I’d do anything to go back there and tell her to just walk away, maybe then she wouldn’t be so angry and scared, at least to the degree she is now because of me.
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