Losing Life
Too busy working out the details of what had happened as she was, investigating the bits and pieces her powers had extracted from Spike's mind, Rogue hadn't noticed the shadowy reflection his form had created in any mirrors they passed. It was hard to hold on to the fleeting memories that were not hers, to keep them from slipping down into the darker regions of her mind where she could not dare to follow. Too lost had she been in them at some point not all that long ago, too scared of never returning to the surface, and if so, too uncertain it would still be she and not one of the ghostly presences of former victims, a remnant of the past that refused to let go, entirely out of her control as it would seem.
It still didn't all entirely make sense to her, but it sufficed for the big picture. Very often, it isn't necessary to understand all the how's and why's to get a good grasp on what really matters: the present. Or so Rogue thought anyway. Spike was slowly becoming human again, he didn't like it and Hank would help him revert the process. Not all that complicated if you left out the more intricate question of how something as seemingly illogical as that could have happened in the first place. Rogue tried not to think too much about it to avoid a headache.
"There ya go Hank," she said, glad to have an excuse not having to busy herself with thinking for the time being. "Somethin' to save ya from gettin' bored." Palpable things were so much better, so much easier to deal with than those complicated matters of scientific and occultist nature that had become an unwanted constant of her life the moment she had joined the X-Men. Then again, the fact that Spike had seemed to make sure he'd be as close to her as he could was already good enough a source of distraction, albeit one she wasn't sure she was glad about at this point. Yet her resolve to stay away from him lay shattered, nothing but shards on the ground of her heart, and all that kept her from letting go of it completely was habit. She would get over it eventually.
Spike's head resting on her shoulder, his scent invading her mind like a sly thief after nightfall, Rogue could feel her will power crumble. It had been so long since the last time they had had each other. So long since she had felt his touch on her skin, so long since they... *No, don't go there!* she warned herself, feeling the sudden urge to just jump him there and then. It really was a good thing her powers only worked in one direction and Beast wasn't telepathic. Or at least he hadn't been last time they had met. You could never know with people these days.
Turning her head a little, her eyes focused on the man at her side as the rest of her body already had. "Do you want me to stay?" she asked him softly, once again unsure what exactly she wanted herself. Maybe he could take the decision off her just like she had done what seemed like a decade ago at the Renaissance Hotel, on the day she had buried dreams with her own hands. Dreams she now dared to hope could be revived. And hope is always the last to die.
TBC - Beast or Spike
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
"There ya go Hank," There was a soft hissing sound as the doors to medbay slid open, and with the mentioning of Hank Spike found himself slightly confused.. His name wasn't Hank.. was it? "Somethin' to save ya from gettin' bored." Bored? Spike shut his eyes tightly, shook his head a little and smiled ever so softly. No, he wasn't called Hank, Hank was someone else... There were whispers in the back of Spike's mind, confusing whispers, echoes, images flashed occasionally. The only thing that felt real was the body that had guided him. Rogue. Yes.... yes that's who it was, his Rogue, he got a little lost but it's ok, he's found again.
A smile toyed Spike's lips, his body seemed to fall behind Rogue's as they came to a stop. His eyes hurt from straining to see so for a moment the vampire let his forehead rest forward onto the back of her shoulder. It felt so nice to be with her... so comforting.. though.. it wasn't like how it used to be. Again the feeling he got in the hall returned, the vampire couldn't pick up her scent as strongly as he used to, she couldn't pick up the sound of her body, the beat of her heart, the way she breathed.. He couldn't sense the life radiating from her as he had once been able to. She almost as dead as he was himself as far as his senses told him, at least ofr the most part... This was all relative really... compared to what he was used to this was nothing, that hardly ment that Rogue really was impossible to sense. Especially as he stood right behind her, the scent he that crept from her was still alluring. A pale hand brushed against Rogue's shoulder, while Spike's sense of smell was lessened greatly it still was above that of the average man. And with that being the case a soft scent of a garden wafted from her, tickling his nose and enticing his visions to focus on less then innocent thoughts.
Rogue wasn't a woman who dowsed herself in perfume, which perhaps was a good thing for Spike considering his hightened sense of smell. But the showers with Rogue had always been filled with the same scent, a scent that could always be connected with the act of bathing together...
It was nice here, just being here, wherever here was, Spike didn't realize he had the side of his body to Beast as he stood with his form facing towards Rogue's, behind her to the side of her body. "Do you want me to stay?" Yes! She was talking to him right? The vampire opened his eyes and again found himself disorientated by the blur that greeted him. He squinted his eyes, though the blue spheres were useless and no matter how hard his tried to focus the images wouldn't clear.
"Where.." The question stopped, his eyes closing and his head tilted back very slightly, he remembered now, and his hands reached for Rogue's arm, both grasping lightly above her elbow. His eyes shifted about, trying to take in the blurs, though the large white blob with random blue blobs here and there.. Spike frowned, looking around some of the images were clearing further off, it made more sense now.. "Right.." The words seemed to state he had remembered something, nodding a little to himself, though frowning again and stepping forward, his hand reaching out and pressing the tips of his fingers against Hank's chest. Quickly Spike pulled back. It was real, the image was there, though his hand hovered for a moment boefre reaching off to his side, away from the group, his fingers seeing to try and stroke something that wasn't really there.
"Right." Repeated again as if trying hard to tell himself what was real and what wasn't, what should be ignored and what should be focused on. His hand reached for Rogue again, resting on her shoulder just to make sure she was really still there. And a smile came to his lips, though Spike's attention returned to Hank. Was this Hank? Spike reached out to the fuzzy outline of the face, hesitating for a moment before touching Hank's chin. They trailed a little higher to brush the rim of the doctors glasses. Glasses.
"I need my glasses... I think I broke them though, I left them on the fire place, and when mum.." He pulled his hands away, his words trailed off though, during the fight when Katerina attacked him he was sure the glasses fell to the ground, with a clutter of other things and he was positive he trod over them at some point in the conflict. "Or did Dad take them off me? I don't remember.. I have a headache and I'm my stomach hurts and I can't see properly because of that stupid horse." Spikes hands drew back to rub his eyes as if should he rub hard enough it might make everything alright again with his sight.
Re: Losing Life
So today was the day when he was going to help a patient die. Not exactly what a doctor was supposed to do, even if Hank suspected it was something that every medical practitioner was confronted with at some point in their career and that each handled according to the particular circumstances involved and their own conscience. There were few professions where life and death decisions came and went on an almost daily basis, but medicine was one of them. Unfortunately!
He wasn’t at all sure that what he was planning could be classed as euthanasia though! In fact he had no idea what this could be classed as; this planned stripping away of Spike’s miraculously restored humanity. To say that the doctor was troubled by the whole procedure would have been an understatement. As was the case in so many occasions though, given where he worked and who he worked with, there was no colleague Hank could confer with, no second opinion he might call in to confirm or refute that this was the right thing to do. All he had to justify his actions was an ardent request made in a moment of lucidity, or at least as near to a moment of lucidity as Spike seemed to have these days, a demand to give up what he had obtained for the chance of recuperating something he had lost.
Rogue. No human could be with her as Spike had been with her. No living man could take her in his arms and love her. And that in the end was why Spike was turning his back on this gift, wasn’t it? Not because of the pain of returning sensations nor the mind twisting confusion that seemed to be accompanying the process. Those could be survived, lived through literally. Not even because of his dependence on Arisa’s blood, for the doctor had told him that he could and would have found an alternative solution to that problem now that he knew what had proved to be the catalyst in this strange rebirth. No Spike was willing to sacrifice all that this redemption might have brought for the love of a woman. For the memory of a relationship that Hank had sabotaged! For a good cause of course! But then again.. wasn’t that always the case?
Oh he could try to justify his actions, saying that if he had let Spike stay with Rogue when she had lost herself in absorbed memories, when in fact she might have needed him the most then the result would have been catastrophic for them both. That he had judged that their mutual follies could all too well have fed each other, dragging them both into down into irretrievable insanity! The fact was that she was now safely sane, her well being having been bought at the price of Hank’s necessary cruelty and Spike’s inevitable rejection.
Yet despite everything, the vampire still clung to the remnants of their love. To the point of giving up his improbable humanity for it! Perhaps it was only fitting justice that Hank now knew all to well how he felt For each time he took Zia in his arms didn’t he run the same risk? The risk that he might just wake up and find himself something other than what he had been? It wasn’t quite the same though. Spike had known exactly what he was condemning himself to when he had asked Hank to perform this transfusion. A renunciation of all that made up the human condition! And not because he thought the lot of the vampire was something to be desired. For if someone had tried to claw themselves back from that state of undeath, wasn’t it him?
And now he could very well be throwing all of that away for a chance at a future that Hank’s actions had rendered impossible. God, Hank knew should have spoken to Rogue! It wasn’t as if he hadn’t tried too but somehow capricious fate had kept their paths from crossing and now this time was upon him and he wasn’t sure he was ready for it .Even if his duty told him he had to be.
"There ya go Hank," The blue mutant spun around , the words in their unmistakable southern accent sounding in his ears like salvation .Rogue! Here and now! Her very essence pervading Spike like hope even if her words were frivolous! "Somethin' to save ya from gettin' bored. " She was there, supporting her erstwhile lovers failing frame.. lending her strength when he had none. Surely that counted for something. Surely that hinted at love retrieved despite all that the evil intentions directed against them and Hanks ultimately good ones had done.
! Do you want me to stay?" It was immense. The step that this strange couple had taken! But would it be enough? It might just have to be Hank told himself. Because the Spike who presented himself here and now wasn’t capable of making the sort of sane decision that would lead a doctor to continue this most controvertial treatment. In fact he wasn’t even able to respond to the seemingly simple question that the love of his life or unlife had asked. "Where.." Spike stumbled on like a blind man asking for guidance. "Right.."
Hank gasped softly, wondering for an second if blindness might really be the reason behind his reticence as Spike's fingers fumbled and finally found contact with his furred body. Had there really been a second of closeness there, between Rogue and Spike , that he could cling to for encouragement the doctor wondered as the vampires figures once again reached towards his face in the same was that Matt Murdock’s had so recently done with his permission? Lord he hoped so because from the look of his patient this was going to be harder to get through than even the doctor had reckoned and it would be so much easier on all concerned if he didnt have to do it alone.
For now though Hank could only wait till Spike finished his tactile exploration hoping that perhaps touch might restore some sense of reality to him as sight obviously was failing to do. Even if this form of contact was unexpected Hank didn’t pull back. This was far from being something that the vampire he had come to know would have craved. In fact as far back as Hank could remember he and Spike had avoided physical contact unless it was absolutely necessary, each of them more than aware of the pull that the doctor’s primeval blood could provoke. Now though the vampire was lost as Hank had prayed he wouldn’t be .. Not here. Not now. Not with this perhaps irrevocable decision waiting to be made.
"Right." Spike said inconsequentially and Hanks heart sank. This was a time for words that should have been heavy with consequence, for decisions that would change destinies but those words were irretrievably lost in the madness that had claimed his patient .. just as Hank was lost with them.
For madness undoubtedly preceded what came next. I need my glasses... Spike said I think I broke them though, I left them on the fire place, and when mum.." Hank's eyes met Rouge’s despairingly as Spike went on his words only confirming the chaos that had descended on his mind. "Or did Dad take them off me? I don't remember.. I have a headache and I'm my stomach hurts and I can't see properly because of that stupid horse."
Damn it all.. Should he, could he, continue with this process when his only go ahead came in effect from someone he could have considered to be suffering from Alzheimer’s? Someone whe may have been capable of making a rational decision in the past, who had in fact told the physician to go ahead with this process, but who now was surely unable to confirm his desire for the transfusion with anything like lucidity.
There was a vow to observe a doctor patient relationship that prevented Hank from uttering even one word about Spike's condition as Rogue looked at him. But there was also half a lifetimes friendship in his eyes that said , even if he didn’t want it to, that in this case he needed her help Edited by: Fengal at: 3/21/07 2:29 pm
Re: Losing Life
Déjà-vu, all over again. And there she had been thinking the phase of mental instability he had went through in the beginning of their relationship, and then only shortly on the odd occasion, less and less frequent, that it had been just that. Something he would get over. And in fact it had seemed he had. Meeting again after all that time, and seeing him, albeit physically handicapped, as close to sane as he had ever been - it had seemed like a sign that time was right now, that this was when they should make a fresh start. Yes, that's what it seemed like in retrospect, even though the southern belle hadn't consciously had these thoughts then.
Then the random outburst in the hallways, ramblings that only made sense to her when she touched him, kissed him, re-established a connection that had been lost much before its time. Deep, deep down, Rogue was a romantic soul and had always been. A kiss of love was powerful, so she secretly believed, and as irrational as many would call it - as maybe even she herself would - the absorption mutant had believed against reason that this assurance of her still-burning love would call him back into this world completely and root him there. It obviously hadn't.
Oh yes, she understood what he was talking about, every second passing giving her more insight into his state of mind as her brain processed the absorbed information, feeding her one small detail after another. Yet that alone didn't help, it didn't change the facts. Moments of relative clarity summoned hope only to be dismissed a second later when realisation became apparent as what it was: just another part of Spike's fiction, an event in his long lost past he couldn't let go of, or maybe a combination of both. Considering the state of his senses, how was she to call him back, into the present where she wanted him to be, where he himself was likely to be so much happier than in a past where he had been and possessed next to nothing?
Beast was fighting demons of his own, so she thought to notice, and the look he gave her hinted at their being rather similar to hers. The disappointed anger she had felt before, the lack of understanding why her long-time friend had kept the one person that could have saved her easily from her, it was forgotten at this point, the plethora of information from both inside and outside forcing her mind to prioritise. And getting your soon-hopefully-to-be-not-so-ex ex-boyfriend out of the clutches of insanity really was much more important than bombarding the furry doctor with reproaches.
What could they do, how could they break through to the Spike she had talked to just some minutes ago, and keep him there? He needed something to hold on to, Rogue decided, not knowing whether that thought was her own or a remnant of one of the vampire's own old contemplations. It seemed strangely self-centred to think this something could be her, and yet the idea stuck with her and refused to leave. It was worth a try, wasn't it?
"Do you have glasses?" she finally asked the doctor, her voice indicating that she possibly had a plan. It was a strange one worthy of some corny Hollywood flick, but at this point, there was nothing better in sight. If he could see her... maybe it would be enough. It was a feeble hope, but a hope all the same. There wasn't much more to hold on to at this point.
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
Re: Losing Life
There seemed to be a silence, a silence that was almost unbareable to someone who was so used to hearing even the whispers of fabric brushing against flesh. Spike's face tilted down to stare at the blurred outline of his feet, it was like being drunk.. without the side effects.. well other then the poor eyesight side effect. A step away from the other two was made, another distracted step moved him that much further away and then again and again before a voice spoke that caused his head to turn slightly in that direction.
"Do you have glasses?" At the question, though not directed to Spike, he patted down his front, frowning slightly as his palms then dragged down the soft white fabric. They used to be there.. in his front pocket.. well, when his front pocket had used to be there, where did he put his front pocket?
"I don't know where I put them... they're always in my pocket, however I have misplaced my pocket.." The muttering sounded slightly confused as Spike glanced around, as if he could have almost been looking for the pocket he couldn't find. Pale hands rested over his stomach in discomfort, though trailed higher up, one stopping over his heart and the other lifting to brush his fingers against his lips. There was a chuckle, but something of a rather negative tone about it, and groan that followed made sure to announce the displeasure he felt.
"Here and there and inbetween." The whisper was muttered to himself, a repeat of something he had said to Bethany earlier that week. "One home, two home, three home." Quietly Spike focused on trying to balance as he walked, looking as if he was entertaining himself by pretending he was on a tightrope... though knowing Spike it was just as likely that he might just believe he really was. In this case however, he was just really bored. "One boy, dead boy, nothing." To Spike, it seemed he was really thinking, regardless how senseless the words may seem to others, to him it seemed to hold his focus.
"Nothing... nothing nothing something." A slight tilt of his head was made as his back remained to the others. "Something.. nothing nothing.. still makes something in the nothing if there's something then it's always something.. even if it's nothing." Yes... yes that was it, he almost seemed to give the most discreet of nod, as if some how he had just once again convinced himself of something he had allowed to remain uncertain despite how important it was. Yes. Important.. that something, and in the nothing he had, he would always have something, even if he had nothing. And with Rogue... well.. he had something, even if it was nothing now.. it was still something.. And that was...something.. right?
"I'm glade you're happy." The tone was one of mocking, an under current of annoyed anger as he recalled Rogue's comments to him before she turned and walked out. His hand reached out for one of the beds in the main area of the medlab, smoothing over the sterlized fabrics. "Arisa? Can I have a glass of water?" He turned around though.. took a moment of confused senses to realize he wasn't in their room at the moment. Squinted eyes glanced around not too sure on where he was, a whispered echo seeming to catch his attention. "Oh right... thanks ya, I forgot... but you're still a bitch." He could almost hear Willow's voice, it wasn't there, and yet it was, there were no real words, but he understood them, she was mocking, but he didn't care.
Re: Losing Life
He should have answered. Right then and there. He should have simply taken the damned glasses out of his pocket and handed them over. He should have done… anything… Anything at all to spare them this. But instead he had hesitated, trying to understand the logic behind the request, to understand as a doctor what was going on, instead of merely reacting as Zia no doubt would have had him do.
It had only made a few seconds difference Such an infinitesimal space in time but a space nonetheless and one through which Spike seemed to have slipped completely into folly. "I don't know where I put them... they're always in my pocket, however I have misplaced my pocket.." he told them in answer to Rogues request no doubt, the last shred of a recognisable thought process before he turned his eyes inwards and responded only to what he saw in his soul.
"Here and there and inbetween One home, two home, three home." Hank handed the now perhaps useless glasses over to Rogue, his uncovered eyes showing the depth of his sorrow and concern over Spikes condition. " One boy, dead boy, nothing." Did his words make sense to her? And should Hank want them too or not? That had always been the conflict here. A friend’s conflict! Wanting happiness for her and yet wondering if it could come in the shape of a vampire. Being grateful for the fact that she, who had been denied such closeness for so long could finally touch someone, know someone in the most intimate of ways and yet always being aware of the fact that she lay with a corpse. That was how it had been. In the beginning at least. And Hank had probably been one of the more open minded members of Rogue’s entourage. And yet………. no matter what doubts there may have been to start with Spike had proved his love again and again.
No.. he had done more than that… he had proved his humanity. A humanity warped by what had been done to him certainly but no further from the norm than that of some of the other pupils and teachers at the academy, despite its otherworldly origins. A humanity he had fought so hard to regain and yet which he was now, when it was finally, miraculously within his grasp, willing to renounce for the vague chance of being with this woman, who, at the moment when he had made this most momentous of decisions, had been far from welcoming him back with open arms. Something which was in no small part, if not Hank’s fault, then certainly his responsibility!
He had acted in their best interests, at the time, of that he had been, and still was, intimately persuaded. But it hadn’t been an easy decision to make, for he had seen Rogue’s need and Spike’s willingness to respond to it in those dark days following her possession. And he yet he had been forced to keep them apart , separating the fire from the oxygen it required to burn even higher, one madness feeding the other till nothing remained but mental ashes, the charred, incoherent remains of those who had once thought and felt and loved. And that had been something he had been ready to prevent at all costs.
But oh those costs had been high. Higher than he could have imagined! Rupture. This whole business with Arisa! Ultimately this awakening to and rejection of life by Spike. For if the vampire had entered into this whole project of a transfusion which would wipe all that the living took for granted from his body without any real hope of winning Rogue back, then that could surely be laid at Hank’s door. And if Spike had ever needed to prove his claim to having a soul then surely this sacrifice did all that and more. . Though it wasn’t his soul that was at risk here, otherwise Hank wouldn’t have been able to continue. No it was just his admittance once more into the ranks of the living that was at stake. A mere trifling step between being dead and being alive! One that Hank suspected was harder to make from where Spike was standing.
Hank would have died for Zia, willingly, without a second thought. Just as he was sure Scott would have laid down his life for Jean and vice versa. But to have been dead! To have lost it all and then suddenly and without warning to have had the Holy Grail within reach! Could he have turned back? He would liked to have thought so, but the truth was that few, if any, had ever been presented with this particular dilemma. And Spike had answered without hesitating.
But now….. looking at the vampire Hank could see nothing of the determination that had convinced the doctor to go down this road with him. Nothing of the man who had come to him asking for help. Nothing but a shambling wreck who could muttered incoherently…… "Nothing... nothing nothing something. Something.. nothing nothing.. still makes something in the nothing if there's something then it's always something.. even if it's nothing."….and whose eyes were lost in a past Hank didn’t even want to contemplate.,
Still if this was hard for him to witness it must have been infinitely more difficult for Rogue. Especially as Spikes mood seemed to turn to one of anger. "I'm glad you're happy." he announced , perhaps to her, perhaps to the imaginary people in his head. There was no way to tell now he was so far gone. But the bitterness seeped through all the same, directed against someone, and despite everything it was hard not to feel touched by it, even if logic said that that was unreasonable "Arisa? Can I have a glass of water?" Hank ran his hands through his hair, momentarily at a loss as to how to proceed while all to well aware that things couldn’t be left as the were. "Oh right... thanks ya, I forgot... but you're still a bitch."
“That is more than enough, William” Hank said sternly, opting for authority over compassion for this once, hoping to jolt his patient back into some semblance of sanity. Now come over here and put on your spectacles. And while you’re at it you can apologise to Rogue for your language. Which if I may say so is certainly not worthy of a gentleman!
Re: Losing Life
It was, like Hank suspected, far from easy for her to deal with Spike's display of re-emerged insanity, yet simultaneously the fact that it was anything but the first time she was witnessing such an outburst probably made it more bearable than the furry doctor would have expected. Rogue recognised this tone and the way the vampire's eyes were looking at everything but what was really there. Nothing of this was about either of them, his words directed at someone his mind had him convinced was there - vivid memories exaggerated to absurdity.
The glasses Beast offered were taken with a hint of absentmindedness as she tried to assess the likelihood of her succeeding at pulling Spike back into reality. It didn't look all that good. Still, she had never been one to give up without trying, and she certainly didn't have any intention of taking up that habit now of all times. Objectively speaking, there was nothing to lose really. However, if they couldn't keep him in this world, there would be a loss, if only of the possibility of happiness.
Hank's words came as a bit of a surprise like every other time when the doctor had decided to abandon his usual role, which was commonly that of some kind of watcher, to interfere. Gloved hands reached out and softly touched the vampire's, prompting them to be opened so she could pass on the spectacles which were more and more gaining the status of a key item in Rogue's mind. And not only hers alone as it seemed.
Emerald eyes stayed fixed on his face as she waited, hoping for some kind of reaction that would show her there was a chance this whole scene could turn into something less desperate. Things didn't always have to be this complicated, did they? Or was there a certain law in the universe's rule book saying that relationships such as hers weren't allowed to work out easily, if ever? Well, if so, the powers that be were in for a beating!
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
Re: Losing Life"That is more than enough, William" Tension followed, a stillness as Spike’s face half turned towards the voice and then froze, barely able to move and an expression that mirrored one straining to hear clearly after thinking they caught a sound or a word of something that they would have much rather hoped wasn’t there. Hank’s voice continued on however, Spike didn’t breath as he listened. "Now come over here and put on your spectacles. And while you’re at it you can apologise to Rogue for your language. Which if I may say so is certainly not worthy of a gentleman!" There was a flinch as Rogue’s fingers brushed against his hand, they were to small and too gentle to be a threat… and she wasn’t the one who had spoken, Spike could tell. Though the speaker didn’t have slurred words, the speaker wasn’t looming over or breathing heavily, he wasn’t stumbling towards Spike and yet… Spike’s mind turned its focus cautiously to the item being placed in his hands… that man who’s image burned into Spike’s mind didn’t know Rogue, he didn’t even know of William’s long time crush on a young woman that he made ever so clear through carefully crafted poems. And language? Well… strict as Spike’s father was, he was the filthiest mouthed individual of his time, he didn’t care who said what to anyone, especially to a woman, the only thing Rupert hated was people not giving him a hundred percent of their respect…even if he didn’t deserve it.
There was an almost resentful look on Spike’s features as he looked towards the blurred outline that was Hank’s form, though Hank wasn’t the person Spike thought he was seeing. An indignant lift of the vampire’s chin and tightening of his jaw followed, fingers finding the soft fabric of his pale cream jumper in a habitual ritual of cleaning the classes before wearing them.
"You are hardly one to dictate how a gentleman acts… you… belligerent drunken ogre." An instinctive jerk backwards came as Spike realized the words that came so bitterly from his lips, as if the desire to say them had burned so brightly and yet doing so was a fearful thing, one that he’d have usually allowed to silence him before the words fell loosely from his tongue. The tone of voice may have been hateful, but it was once again his cultured and well spoken accent, the one which Spike had been born with and lived with, one which seemed unfitting for a vulgar and relentless vampire who wanted to send a chill into the minds of his victims… not lull them into thinking he was a refined and respectable gentleman out for some late tea and social gatherings. However the fist that the vampire had expected to fly his way didn’t come, which unnerved him all the more… was Rupert waiting for the glasses to be placed on his sons face before lashing out and shattering the glass against the already damaged eyes… he always did threaten he’d do it on purpose, unlike the accident with the horse, if William dared talk back to the older man, it was a fear of being blind that the elder man used shamelessly.
As one hand slipped the thin rimmed spectacles onto the nervous features that marred Spike’s face, the other hand seemed to come up, defensively shielding his eyes from the blow still expected to come. So why wasn’t it coming? His eye’s opened as Spike turned his face slightly away from Hank, but the blue gaze peered over towards the doctor, only to look even more confused, his hand hesitating and then lowering slightly. It was all ripped away, all the things a mind could make up while ones eyes were fogged and the mind so tempted to loosen its fingers on the fragile state it tried to hold onto.
"You?" His hand lowered slightly, his nerves didn’t seem to ease entirely, but no one had ever scared Spike as much as his father had done, and therefore even confronted with the powerful Beast he didn’t hold as much anxiety. "I wasn’t at the school… I was with Riley, I was with them, I wasn’t there… …" There was a pause as Spike wrinkled his nose, a scent on the air that was faint but familiar, dulled, easily ignored by the vampire had he not had an uneasiness towards the former soldier. "Riley?" There was a sense of confusion, he could believe Beast would track him down… he could believe Riley would track him down… but both of them? Together? Riley was supposed to kill dangerous mutants just as effectively as he was supposed to kill demons, this didn’t seem right. Beast was classed as dangerous and psychotic…ever since after the attack on the school. "…Rogue." That’s what Beast had mentioned, why would he mention that, they usually wouldn’t mention each others names to the ‘demonic overlords’ so to speak, it put people at too much risk… "I know Rogue." But the Rogue he knew wasn’t from Lost Angels… he didn’t know any of them from Lost Angels… not really… he knew faces… he knew the rebellion groups, he’d fought some of the former X-men, most demons had. But the X-men were only fragmented and few… the faces Spike knew were bloodied and decaying, crucified in the main centre of the city and down the roads for all to see as a warning of what could happen.
A disturbed look crossed his face, trying to shy away from images that weren’t at all pleasing, shutting tight the eyes to almost force the images to become lost in the blackness, though as he opened his eyes again, the vampire saw something that was far from displeasing. Green eyes, so strong in hue, so deep and powerful and intense… all he could do was smile numbly back at the face where those eyes were from. She came, they were supposed to call when she got better… maybe instead of calling Rogue had wanted to come and see him, deliver the message in person that she was ok… That was kind of romantic… of course overly cliché, but then in the end all one could do in reply to a cliché moment was giving a cliché response. A hand reached for her face, fingers stroking against her cheek, a light chuckle almost seeming to dance tentatively on his lips as the bright eyes looked over her face, she looked better… though he couldn’t honestly remember how she looked last time he saw her… but she always looked better.
Should he lean her back and kiss her? Should he spin her in the air? Should he hug her so tightly… should he peel a few layers of clothing from her? Tempting, the latter most definitely, however his eyes seemed spellbound by the emerald gaze that had always seemed a path to greater things. He wanted to kiss her… oh god it started to burn, he wanted to kiss her and he wanted nothing more… though with Rogue enough was never enough, a small taste was never able to satisfy… not for Spike… he wouldn’t mind if it did, it’d make it all so much easier when she wasn’t around. He’d have done so, though as he considered the whole ‘cliché’ aspect and which would be best and more humorous to play out. Screw it. Pale hands reached for her, his body drawing in towards her without hesitation, grabbing her up in a swift embrace, one hand letting fingers press up against the lower back of Rogue’s head, the other hand snacked lower around her back and pulled her into him. There was almost an effort not to hold her too tightly, Rogue may endure a lot more then most but he didn’t want to get ahead of himself, no matter how badly he wanted to squeeze with all his might and never let go, he missed her so much, could she possibly have any idea how much he missed her?
Images lightly spilled into Rogue’s mind, pictures that showed the inside of the hotel Spike had lived within, a replay of the day she had gone to see him back at the hotel, the day where everything he’d held out for was shattered and with it whatever shreds of strength he had left at the time. No matter how bad things got, no matter when the demons got tougher and stronger and more, no matter when Willow’s pranks got more threatening and dangerous, no matter whatever happened, it would all be ok again, all be worth it, once Rogue was well again… Once he had her to hold and kiss and get his mind off all the horrible things that seemed to be relentless in their comings. Once she was better, there would be a reason to look forward to facing the day, the night… anything, there was only so much strength he had to give, and sometimes it felt as if he was almost completely depleted, running on empty by forcing himself solely for the sake of a young girls life and her need for whatever it was she felt he could give her… However, it was Beast’s imposing presences that caused Spike hesitate and stare at the doctor, pulling lips away from Rogue’s to reveal another burst of confusion. "…’ello," It seemed that it took a moment before Spike even noticed where he was, something that seemed to confuse him even more. Not in the hotel as he had been for weeks on end, but instead in the X-men’s mansion once again, in the medical bay… back where he had first taste the lips of the woman beside him. "Ok…" He had memory lapses a few times the last week, some beforehand but never so frequent, so he tried to hide the embarrassment he felt as he wondered what exactly he was doing here… then again, he was here with Rogue… so… that was good, regardless of whatever the reason was.
Bright eyes shut again, he just needed a moment, just a moment, try to recall, why was Rogue here? Why was he here? Why were they with Beast and why could Riley’s scent be picked up? The former soldier for the Initiative was around here somewhere… he had to be hidden off in one of those rooms… Were they here about Riley? Were they here to talk about Rogue? Were Rogue and he here to talk to Beast? Bollocks. With that thought, random as it may sound in a frustrated brush off of whatever he missed or forgot, Spike proceeded with his earlier plans, his hand moving to give Rogue an affectionate stroke across the other side of her face. There was an ache in his hands, faint but there, slowly turning into a numbing sensation, but that didn’t bother the vampire in the slightest. The ache in his stomach and the faint weakness in his knees was a little irritating, but also easily ignored.
"You talked t’Riley?" It had to be why they were here, it had to be… it was the only reason that came to mind… it was the only reason Spike could figure they’d be in the same area as Riley, surely they weren’t daft enough to think the two could be in the same room without incident? "I don’ave t’see’im do I? …I know’is around’ere…." The question was towards Hank, spoken in the accent that lacked the previous charms and eloquence, back to chopped and butchered words, but the vampires attention was towards Rogue. Pale hands seemed to be carefully touching her cheek, his eyes looked a little tired as he looked over her face…he felt… a little drained… but it didn’t bother him. The undeads eyes turned towards Beast, " ‘e scares me a lil’sometimes… you didn’tell ‘im what I said right?" The air of paranoia would seem strange to those that didn’t know what sort of things those agents from the Initiative would do to the demons they caught… demons were demons, there was no good or bad in the Initiative’s eyes… Spike may have been deserving of what he got considering his past crimes, but there were others who weren’t… hell, even the agents didn’t deserve the things their agency did to them.
Re: Losing Life
It was obvious that whatever effect his words had on Spike they hadn’t managed to drag him back to the here and now. Not unless the vampires opinion of the blue furred physician was even lower than he thought it might be. "You are hardly one to dictate how a gentleman acts… you… belligerent drunken ogre."the seemingly frail young man spat out bitterly, his voice still that of the youth he had once been rather than the tortured creature he had become over the long ages of his existence. Still, insults aside he did comply, settling Hank’s precious glasses onto his own face, the gold rims somehow making him look even more vulnerable as he shied away from some threat of imagined violence.
"You?" It was some sign of recognition, some small straw to clutch at perhaps, though Hank wasn’t sure it would be strong enough to help Spike claw his way out of the memories he seemed to be drowning in. At least he didn’t look as if he expected the doctor to rip his head of at any minute even if he didn’t seem to have any idea just what he did expect him to do or what he himself was doing here in med lab. If indeed he realised that was where he was.
"I wasn’t at the school… the vampire said, his eyes, behind the fragile lenses, lost and confused. “I was with Riley, I was with them, I wasn’t there… …. "Riley?" The last word was a question more than a statement and was followed by more fear and confusion, though there was at least some sense that Spike had found a train of thought and might actually be trying to follow it. Then that too spun away or perhaps it was rather that Spike made some intuitive leap from one subject to another that neither hank nor anyone sane could hope to follow. Whatever the case he whispered "…Rogue.,I know Rogue." It wasn’t the voice of a lover, not yet at least. Instead the name seemed to evoke memories that pained and troubled Spike’s already wounded spirit, causing the vampire to close his eyes in denial.
Yet whatever phantom Rogue haunted his past, when he opened his eyes again the real one was close and loving and finally something in Spike let him recognise that, let him reach for her and pull her close with a need that was plain to see. Would this do it Hank wondered. Would this kiss wake him from his enchanted sleep and lead them to a happy ending? The doctor had seen stranger things happen and though he had lived through more than his fair share of tragedy and hardship he still held on to hope with a bright determination that nothing the world had thrown at him so far had entirely managed to dull.
And so he waited for the miracle… not asking for the red sea to part or water to turn to wine. Just for a glimmer of sanity to return to Spike so that they could talk about what would come next. Whether this flicker of life was something he still wished to relinquish or whether he had changed his mind as the days had passed and the sensations had returned.
And it seemed that on this occasion his prayers might really have been answered! "…’ello," Spike said pulling away from Rogue as if startled by the doctors presence but the old familiar cockney accent firmly back in place. He was still confused that much was clear, but it was a different kind of confusion as if he had in fact been sleep walking and had now wakened to find himself far from where he should have been and with no memory of how he had got there. Or why he had come for that matter.
"You talked t’Riley?" Back always to the young agent! But that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. The last time they had met he had been one of the main topics of discussion. Along with Spikes request for a transfusion. Perhaps if one memory had come back the other wouldn’t be far behind. "I don’ave t’see’im do I? …I know’is around’ere…." Suddenly it made more sense. Hank should have realised before that Spike would smell Rileys presence but preoccupied as he had been with the vampires mental state his heightened senses had been the last thing on the doctors mind. " ‘e scares me a lil’sometimes… you didn’tell ‘im what I said right?"
Hank gave a sigh of relief. It was clear now that Spike was referring to their last conversation and that was an immense leap forward. “Of course not” the physician hurried to reassure his patient. “Riley is indeed in med lab but that is entirely coincidental. He has been having his own medical problems recently and is in no way involved in our business here today. This is between us Spike. Doctor and patient just as I promised when we last spoke. Do you remember? “
"Of course not" Reassurance, Spike wanted to pretend that it was enough to calm him, but even if Hank had said anything, would the doctor so obviously admit such a thing? What else was there to say really? ‘Sure I told him, we laughed about it, then he went on about how much fun he’d have sorting through your innards for no reason but mild amusement.’ Oh yeah, nope, Spike was pretty sure that’d not happen, the whole telling of the truth version of things anyway… ok and perhaps a part of him couldn’t quite see Hank taking on the role the villain, but then again, 7 years of knowing his counter part would rip demons apart with a jolly song in his heart, made things a little confusing. Then again… well Spike was hardly one to point the finger and scream ‘you’re a meanie and you don’t do nice things’, because let’s be honest… he’s hardly an angel himself.
"Riley is indeed in med lab but that is entirely coincidental. He has been having his own medical problems recently and is in no way involved in our business here today. This is between us Spike. Doctor and patient just as I promised when we last spoke. Do you remember?" Riley had his own medical problems? Was it wrong to feel somehow smug about that? Mr invincible, no one can hurt me, knocked off his horse! Ok, so it wasn’t the same sort of horse that had trampled all over the undead back at LA, not that any sort of horse had been involved, but the guy was just… oh he was mean. And while this Riley had very little in common with the other Riley at [/i]this[/i] point in time, this Riley was still very negative towards Spike, so for now, Riley still was a threat.
This is between us Spike…The words echoed, forming some sort of clue that the vampire had to cling to in order to figure out the mystery he found himself currently in. ”Doctor and patient just as I promised when we last spoke” …Had they spoken? Well of course they’d spoken… What did he need to remember? ”So it seems you have not forgotten about us after all, though you have hardly been beating a path to my doorway.” Yes… yes he remembered, he hadn’t forgotten them… not like it seemed they had forgotten him. Voices, deep in their discussion, muffled at first but then as Spike looked away from Hank to stare at an area just beside him the voices became clearer… though Spike couldn’t see anything, he could almost visualize the scene regardless, remembering exactly where it had taken place. Could he actually hear them though? Could he really or were they just clear cut memories, was he hearing things in a manner that wasn’t normal or was it just a basic recollection of past memories? No falsely seen images haunted the room at the present, that was good right? That meant these particular echoes might not be a cause for concern…
“I don't want to be a demon luv, I don't want to be anything of the sort, I just want to be me again, I don't want to simply act like a human....I want to be human.” No! No he didn’t want that any more, he didn’t want it, not if it meant losing everything he could possibly have with Rogue, he couldn’t deal with that, sure they had problems, and yeah she confused him at times, and she hurt him because of that confusion, but it still didn’t change how he felt… Or at least… it didn’t change what he had felt all those months ago, something he wanted back so badly. The voices continued, and although Garnet’s voice could be made out, her words seemed so distant, he couldn’t hear them as clearly. ”Sometimes, this feeling comes over me, and I can't control it, it just screams inside of me, and I don't know why it's screaming. But it wants me to scream, it wants me to become an animal, wild, mindless, screaming monster...and I'm afraid of it....of what I might do if I ever grow to weak to fight it off." It would always be there, the demonic thing that he was, that lived inside of him, the parasite that used the shell of his human form to do its bidding. This urge had shown itself at times, both in innocence and in threat, even Hank had faced the threat of this call that screamed inside of the ancient being. "But the thing that scares me most is the fact sometimes I don't want to fight it, I want to give in, I want to scream. Right now, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to scream and let it all out, everything I've ever held inside, I want to scream it out of me!" But he couldn’t! Not now! Not every around people! He couldn’t risk their lives, he couldn’t risk them in the slightest, just being nearby, just letter hunger grow, that was a threat, he was a threat, he’d always be a threat! He had to change! He had to get better, he had to be more then the monster he was! But not if the price was too high!
"I don't want to lose what I have inside, but I'm afraid they're just echoes of a dyin' man, what if he finally does die, what if one day I wake up and it's not me?" No more! Spike’s eyes shut as all this flashed through his mind, a moments time feeling as it was just leisurely passing by… Haunting him, taunting him. True… if he was human… if his wish that was finally spoken so many months ago did come true, the demon would go away, there would be no more trouble, no more struggle… No more threat aside from the basic nature a human possessed. Yes, he had seen the most violent sides of human nature, he had faced it and grown up with it, but he had seen the kindness too, and underneath all his bravado and indifference, underneath the passion and distress… he was still just that pathetic snivelling fool, just as fragile, just was meek.
"I was in the light....and it was warm. I should have burned and turned to ash, melted away, but I didn't...everything was bright, and the sky was golden. It smelled nice, I could smell the sunrise, everything was alive, the grass, the trees, the people...they all glowed...and I saw all of it. I wasn't in the shade, wasn't hidden in the shadows or in a building, I was out there, I was out in the light and it was amazing.." Amazing… but so was having someone there, someone to hold him, someone to kiss and love him, someone to put their hands on him and slither their tongue across his chest at night in the most welcoming of ways… Yes that was shallow, but he liked it, just as much as he liked knowing it was Rogue who was doing such things, Rogue who would hold him, love him, touch him. If he did become human, he’d always be able to get some one else to do the same things, surely that was undoubtedly so… but it wouldn’t be Rogue… didn’t they understand how painful that idea was right now? HE wasn’t ready, he knew he didn’t have the time to think about it either, and he knew what he wanted paled in comparison to Arisa’s needs of being free of his temptations. Remember… remember… It seemed like such an easy request, nothing ever seemed easy though, not with him, not any more… not ever. Yes… there were moments he remembered talking with Hank… There were points where Hank seemed such a temptation, too great for Spike to bear, too grand for him to ignore… too kind and encouraging for Spike to put at risk.
"…Don’t wonna be an animal…" The tone didn’t sound too convinced though, the conviction he had once had towards that statement was now swiftly slipping away. Something he had said during one of their conversations earlier, just before the truth of his change was announced, revealed with a sense of duty from Hank and yet received with as much contempt as it was with awe! See… Spike could remember, with a little patience he could remember everything, or at least, given time… Wasn’t it ok to forget some things though? To forget some of the pain? There was too much, to much to think about, too much to cope with, wasn’t it ok just to forget it all sometimes?
”Withou' a beatin' heart, ya can't warm meh” The words Rogue spat at him were sharp, and came from nowhere to strike him, hot as glowing steel and the scars just as permanent it seems. And his face had throbbed, her arm having struck him sharply from his rest, she didn’t care, didn’t care she had hurt him, he’d always tried to be so gentle and then… why had she struck him, why had she bruised his pale flesh? None of that mattered at this point, he knew there was something wrong… he knew it even if he couldn’t understand it… but that didn’t matter, he could have a heart if she wanted it… but did she? It didn’t make sense, if he was alive she wouldn’t be able to touch him… or was that what she wanted? To have an excuse not to be able to touch him anymore? ”'It's what makes humans so special, they're ability to spend a life time together, to create a family, to grow old, to die together. There so lucky....because....when they die, a bit of them always lives on in their family, but when I die, it'll be the end, I'm all that's left of mother, I'm all that's keepin' her alive..” He hadn’t thought of that, all his selfish desires and that went ignored… his mothers only son… he had killed her once, and with his death he had robbed her from the grandchildren she had long since thought of… and now an offer has come, a chance for her dream to be seen… but he so blindly tossed it aside without giving thought to her and her hopes! But he couldn’t be a father! God no, not him, not after all he’s done, not after seeing what his father had done to him, he wouldn’t be his father’s son, he wouldn’t risk turning into that sort of monster, what he had done already was bad enough.
"Maybe it's just tha'... ah mean... you're the first one ah'm able to touch without hurtin'... or havin' lost ma powers. No... you're the first man with whom ah can do that for what? 25 years? Tha's the more important part, ah guess" Was it? Was it so important that despite all this they still managed to fall so far apart from each other? ‘Ah've been waitin' so long... so long for love, for someone ah can touch and embrace. For someone who ah don't drain of everythin' and put into a coma if ah don't watch out.’
" You ev’r had you’re life destroyed by two women in one night?" He quoted, once again from that same discussion, his voice soft, dejected, as if having surrendered to something too powerful to fight. "It’s a bloody bßtch of a thing t’happen." Yes, he remembered… what right did they have to make him remember? What was the point in this, why remember the pain? Why can’t they just let it all go… sometimes it was for the best. But they wanted him to remember, he could remember, oh he was so good at remembering… that’s why he didn’t want to. "She makes me see things." It was all fun and games for Willow, god how he hated her now… "She makes me forget things." He knew it was her, she’d make sure he knew it was her. "She makes me remember things." And the memories hurt! Oh lord they hurt so bad he couldn’t cope with it any more! But Rogue was here… was she here for him? Oh he had to hold her more, he had to feel her against him… Spike’s arms moved steadily, tenderly, wrapped about the southern belle and drawing her carefully against his front, desperate for the contact, needing for the touch to prove she was really there. "Sssshhh." It wasn’t hissed at anyone but Rogue and Beast themselves, Spike’s eyes passing over the doctor, "Don’t interrupt." How could he think if they keep babbling on randomly… at least the thought came to Spike despite it being him who was speaking.
"Jus’ waitin’ fo’ th’phone call… so easy fo’ you t’snap at me fo’being late, hypercritical considering you never even called, at least I came, I came to be yelled at an’ avoided. Nice to know ya’ll done something, even if contempt was made instead of contact, gives me warm fuzzy feelings inside." The whisper was even softer, even more lost of what little hope he wanted to cling to… but it always eventually got to the point where you knew that call wasn’t going to come… and you had to ask why otherwise you just couldn’t hope to move away from that phone. The vampire’s words were lost somewhere between a bitterness long felt and a sadness that ran deep, too torn between what happened and what was happening to know if past actions even were worth the energy to feel hurt over.
"Ah bet you'll look all smart in glasses... and a lil' geeky too," It was sweet, he wondered if she would have even liked the young William he had once been… Geeky perhaps didn’t described the dreamer when once considered what it meant in general these days. Definitely not a computer wiz, or a braniac in school, he was just normal… just so simple and common, with a flare for words and a desire to use them in his poems as a form of verbal art. But now wasn’t time for these thoughts… He was doing ok… he was… ok so he wasn’t the best that was possible to be, but Spike was managing to pull it all together, and then what? Rogue had to utter those words, tell him that all his waiting, and not only had she been there, ready for him, but she had waited too, and all his waiting, all his patience, had in the end just been his downfall. Because of his patience, because of his determination to do as he was told was best for Rogue, she felt abandoned, she felt she had a right to storm into his hide away and tell him it was over when all he’d been doing was waiting for a signal that he was allowed to return to her side.
"Sshh." Again a call for silence, even if none had been talking, though undoubtedly it would have been the perfect moment for comments to rise, Spike wouldn’t let them speak, not yet, they might miss it if they spoke. It wasn’t as rudely said this time however, more like an attempt to get them to hear something that risked being overlooked. The words that followed were torn somewhere between his cockney accent and the more cultured one he had long since lost in day-to-day usage. "Can you hear it?" Blue eyes turned towards Beast, desperate in their need to know the answer, almost frantic in the fact it was there despite a sense of subdued calm in his body language. "Can ya hear them screaming? So wild… so full of promises, of boundless freedom." Pale fingers began to grip at the fabric which dressed Rogue’s form, they were calling, always calling, louder and louder, stronger and stronger… though not as strong as it had once been just days earlier… now it was getting weaker, fainter… but still there, still calling. The wolf, so proud and determined, the crow just wanting to soar, to be free of the confines of this sterile environment… the panther, sly in it’s movements, but protective and fierce when confronted, balanced, calm… Then the demon… malicious, callous, unforgiving… powerful and stubborn as it was hateful and arrogant. And the human… pathetic little poet… what chance did he have to fight all these others? How long could he hold them all off? fraught eyes were on Beast, fretful hands holding Rogue, fingers clinging tightly. Perhaps he still sounded insane, but he wasn’t… was he? They didn’t understand! Or maybe they did…
Rogue was so enticing in his hold, even if his mind fought valiantly against his body’s will, which in turn seemed torn yet desperate. The sense of temptation was overriding everything inside of him, temptation not only for Rogue, but for something more, to change, to revert, to throw in the towel and just kick up his legs. Oh yes… Everything would stop hurting if he just gave up for a moment, just a moment, gave into the callings… it usually stopped hurting, it was like such a sweet release, no burning need for blood, the idea of a hunt more for play and the challenge then to feed. Days… weeks… it felt like months, if not years, how desperate he had become, but always had the vampire the self control, at least as best as any morally inclined man at his weakest point. Sometimes giving in was all one could do… he almost had, his body’s thirst for contact, the living cells sending unimaginable sensations through his form at the very glimpse of a thought towards Rogue, towards her body, towards the many things they would often do in the thralls of passion. Couldn’t she give it to him? Surely she had to know how much he’d miss it, how much he needed her to be with him, to quell his hunger, and not the hunger of his thirst but that of something only a woman’s touch could sedate! Was it so wrong… pathetic dog that he was, could he not have her? Just for a moment… a moment that may never end if how he felt was anything to go by…… But this wasn’t the time! Surely! Even if she were captive in his arms…
"Tell me… what should I do?" Uncertainty… Should he be human, fulfil his mother’s dream… but he couldn’t be a father, he wasn’t ready, he probably never would be, he’d never had any luck with children, the few he had ever crossed, it had never ended well for them. Look at Arisa even! He couldn’t even protect her from Willow’s mental attacks, if it weren’t for the young Howlett’s regeneration abilities, then that night she slit her wrists under Willow’s control could have been the last night she’d have lived! Or should he remain dead, the dead champion of Arisa, slayer of demons and all things not nice, the waiting lover of a woman who didn’t seem to know what she wanted or care who she hurt with her stubborn and wilful, even if confused thoughts. Who might in the end never come back, never let him have what had been so seemingly perfect for so many months. Or perhaps the demon he was meant to be, that way they’d all be obliged to put an end to his existence, to stop the suffering he was most capable of inflicting upon people… giving up everything he had worked so hard to gain. But wasn’t there a point he was allowed to say it was just too hard, too much, and he was too weak, too old, lived too long, suffered too often, didn’t he have a right to die like any other?
Their times were limited, they had life but they had a death that was their release, at least more often then not it was a release, a passing over, obviously it didn’t always happen, people sometimes got stuck between worlds, became the undead, became lingering spirits… but at least they lived a set amount of years and then it ended for most. No matter how painful or how horrible or how blissful those years were, there would always be an ending to them… why couldn’t Spike be allowed to want an ending for his existence too? Why couldn’t he say he’s lived long enough, he’s seen more then he could ever have imagined, he’s done more then he’s ever wanted, more then he could cope having done. Why couldn’t he be allowed to know his ending was drawing closer? And yet, as a demon, that ending would never be there, not the way he wanted, not the sweet release, once he left this world it was back to hell for him, back to an eternity of suffering… not that it’d be much different to what he’s gone through thus far. Or the animals… he could just resign to living in their forms, maybe one of them, the Wolf, that he had taken from Angelus’s blood he had drunk, or maybe the Crow, that he had taken from Dru, who he had drained completely, till her ashes burst and all that she once was became nothing more then discarded ashes. The panther was his, it had to be, maybe that should be the one he chose, the form he never knew he had, all these locked away powers, all these untapped abilities, was Arisa’s blood really so potent? It had to be though, he’d long since accepted it really, that these beasts inside of him had been but the first sign of the greater changes occurring within.
…People had already seen Rogue kiss him…
Ok, so Catherine Hall had verbally ripped off his head in disgust and astonishment, right after he was stupid enough to save her life… well ok not stupid, but gullible… he’d have saved himself, and by the look of things, Riley too, a lot of pain if that hot tempered serpent had just been left as that vampire’s chew toy. Ok, definitely wasn’t the time for that either.
But maybe it wouldn’t matter if he kissed her in front of Hank? No…… no it wasn’t time for that… was it?
Re: Losing Life
And once again she was the mere watcher of a scene she barely had any control over. It seemed to be the story of her life, the course of events more often than not leading to her standing by, waiting for her cue. It were still others making the decisions, others making the plans. Rogue was simply the strong arm, executing what was being decided by others. No matter how often this realisation forced itself onto her, it never ceased to sting,
And still there was nothing she did about it, nothing she could do. This brand of things was not influenceable by nature, and the impuissance it meant truly was beginning to wear her down. There had been a time when she hadn't cared much, when she hadn't minded her role, but during the past few years, things had begun to change for her.
The increase in responsibility, her own team and other assorted tasks, they had showed Rogue all too clearly that she was actually able to cope with making decisions. Yet again, it hadn't been much of her own effort that got her these positions, not really. There was more initiative needed on her part, that was a given, but how? Considering the fact that she knew so little about what was going on around her at this point, it seemed to be the wise choice to not start with the active interfering now, lest she make a mistake that would not be correctable. After all, the vague images and fragments of thoughts that, while forming a picture, could surely not be called an overview were anything but a sufficient basis to judge on.
Being pulled into his embrace, Rogue felt even more like a will-less puppet, yet given her overwhelming desire for physical contact, she yielded in to his touch as if without a will of her own while in truth their wishes simply happened to coincide. His crazy ramblings were ignored as she hoped for them to simply pass and give way to the Spike she had known at some point, the one she could talk to normally, who would tell her things, and truly her, not the ghost of a person who had died centuries, if not millennia, ago.
And then a question, directed to her, cutting through the drowsy cloud of resigning acceptance that had settled around her mind. But what a general question it was, and how specific at the same time. What was there for her to decide and to reply, bystander that she was? A helpless look was sent Beast's way. He would know what to do, wouldn't he? The furry genius had an answer to everything!
Rogue clung to that feeble hope, refraining from answering directly, waiting. If it did occur to her that she was once again letting a chance to take things into her own hands slide, it was mostly ignored. There would always be excuses of some kind. The trouble with those you make to yourself is, that they come from the most trust-worthy person you know. One thing that differentiates sages from normal people is their ability to distrust themselves. Rogue had never been wise.
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
Did Spike remember their discussion? It was so hard to tell. Behind the gold rimmed glasses the vampires eyes certainly registered something but whether the thoughts running through his befuddled brain were grounded in the present or once more floundering adrift in the wreckage of his distant past was something they would only know when he spoke again.
"…Don’t wonna be an animal…" Hank drew a breath. Was that an indication that a decision had been consciously reached about this transfusion or just some random phrase that wishful thinking on the doctors part adapted to fit the situation? Again there was only uncertainty and that wasn’t good enough. Not with so much at stake. Hank waited for what seemed an eternity till Spike spoke again, praying that there would be coherence in the vampire’s thoughts and words but his hopes were short lived.
" You ev’r had you’re life destroyed by two women in one night?" Spike asked him suddenly. "It’s a bloody bßtch of a thing t’happen." Hank looked to Rogue for enlightenment but she it seemed was as confused as he himself was. And just as saddened when her lover descended back once more into rambling confusion! "She makes me see things. She makes me forget things She makes me remember things."
It was hopeless. Hank could see that now. There was no way anything Spike said at the moment could be considered rational and as a doctor Hank was certainly not prepared to perform the transfusion until he was one hundred per cent sure it was what Spike truly wanted. The procedure was not taking place that day, that much was clear. And whether it ever did was now open to discussion. "Sshh. Can you hear it?" Spike was gazing at him now almost frantic in his need for an answer Hank couldn’t give him. "Can ya hear them screaming? So wild… so full of promises, of boundless freedom."
There had to be something the physician could do to help rescue Spike from this hell he seemed to be sinking back into but for the life of him Hank couldn’t think what. *Come on* he told himself sharply. * Put your emotions aside, they’re only getting in the way. Dont see Spike , see a patient who desperately needs help. And get that brain of yours in gear*
The vampire was once again looking at Rogue as if she was the only fixed point in a rapidly disintegrating universe, which for him she very well could have been. His need was almost palpable, a basic animal instinct rising out of him and his eyes which had been so lost and frightened seconds before steadied as they focused on her and revealed the pain that lay soul deep within him. "Tell me… what should I do?"
The words hung there, heavy with portent as if on some level at least Spike knew that any answer could potentially change all of their lives forever. It was Rogue he had looked to for that answer but she wasn’t ready to give it. How could she be? She didn’t know all of what was going on here, nor was she herself long recovered from similar psychological trauma. It was an unacceptable responsibility for her to bear. And so Hank took it on himself.
“You don’t have to do anything Spike” he said gently “Not right now. You can take your time, wait until your thoughts are clearer. Maybe talk to Rogue about all this, or to me if you want to. Because we will be here for you whenever you need us. And that isn’t going to change any time soon.
Re: Losing Life"You don’t have to do anything Spike" Beast spoke off to the side, to the area dimmed from Spike’s sense’s due to his strong focus on what was right in front of him. Bright eyes peered over towards the blue mutant, slightly confused and unsure as how to respond to that comment. What exactly didn’t he have to do? Didn’t he need to fight any more, to stop the demon within as much as those around him? Or didn’t he need to worry about things any more… like Rogue… Arisa… of course that’s not what Beast meant… Spike didn’t have to do anything, in the end was there anything he could ever even do reasonably well? No, no it wasn’t that either, why was it all so negative? The thoughts that seeped in through the undercurrents of emotions seemed intent only to hurt and dismount any sense of pride or certainty…
"Not right now. You can take your time, wait until your thoughts are clearer. Maybe talk to Rogue about all this, or to me if you want to. Because we will be here for you whenever you need us. And that isn’t going to change any time soon." The strong features of the vampire seemed too human and too unsure to be associated to the normal view one would have when thinking of the night stalkers. Talk to Rogue… to Hank as well? Did they want to hear what he had to say? Why weren’t they around when he had needed them recently? Spike frowned slightly, his lips parting to make a comment though his attention swiftly shifted, caught on something else that visually just wasn’t there. That didn’t mean Spike couldn’t see it, because like with so many things in past and present, his mind formed the illusions whether it was of his own mental meltdown or that of another’s helping hand trying to play with his broken mind.
"You’re like salt on an open wound." The most dangerous of monsters were those who could seduce you, and Spike had to admit there was always something about Willow that was so… enticing. She liked it though, she liked to know she was hurting him or it wasn’t fun otherwise. Another moment past, all he could do was watch the red headed figure, "You’re mockin’ me in front o’them…" The whisper was soft, she was close to him now, he didn’t need to speak up so loud, he could tell her and hope the others wouldn’t hear, "You wouldn’t dare." It sounded like a challenge, but one Spike wasn’t keen on losing at all, he just wanted to leave, leave her to whatever she was up to and not continue playing whatever game she was playing at that moment! Distraction occurred, Spike’s eyes returned to Beast, a confused frown on his brow causing light creases in his pale skin, damn that Wicca and her malicious games… damn her for being inside his head all the time!
"Will you help me now?" He was right there, couldn’t they see he needed help? Why were they just talking about it and not acting on it? Couldn’t they see at all? Why was it that he tried so hard for them, but he’s standing there as clear as daylight and they can’t see through the fog at what was really wrong? But that wasn’t fair… how could they know? A hand rose gently to let his pale fingers touch the cool skin of the side of his forehead, clear blue eyes closed and the pallid brow furrowed slightly more. "I can’t focus when she’s there, I can’t remember right… I used t’be stronger; I could hold her off before… I could keep her mind away, bu’can’t keep the doors locked no more, invites herself in and starts to redecorate." The vampire’s eyes opened, turning to Rogue swiftly as his other hand rose to firmly compress his head in his palms, a rather dead stare left on Rogue for a moment, as brief as it was it felt like it had lasted too long.
"I never left you… I could be worlds away but that doesn’t mean I’ve left you… how could you have thought I …? I’m still righ’ere waiting and you will never see till all I am is washed away… Who is worse, the one who did what’s best for the other, or the one who did what they thought was best for themselves?" Because Spike left her side out of concern that his presnce would worsen her… at least that is what Hank had said, and yes Spike hadn’t been the greatest at handling the news, but he did manage! When it came to Rogue… she just walked in and slapped him down!! Turned her back and walked away… No! He shouldn’t say or think such things… how could he? What if it ruined whatever chances was left for her to get over her bitter distance? If Jean was here she could help him, just like she had helped him the first time he was held here as their prisoner… just like she helped Arisa now, but Spike had been so convinced he could handle Willow, he didn’t realize his mental strength would fade so quickly. Was the human mind really so frail and meek in comparison? Or had he really just lost so much of himself...?
Re: Losing Life
It sounded as if Beast had come to a decision. Oh yes, of course the wording suggested it was Spike who had the power to decide, but after all these years it was rather obvious to Rogue that "You can take your time." was really doctor-speak for "Go home, have some chicken soup, and we'll talk again in a week or two." She had been there often enough to know that there was no point in arguing with Hank when he was in this mode, and as she had to admit, he was right.
Spike was in no condition to make any kind of decision at this point. It was a hard truth to accept after this fleeting moment of hope in which she had thought he had regained his sanity, yet the facts had to be dealt with all the same. All she could hope for was that his mind wasn't entirely broken, that there still was a chance it would be entirely stable someday in the future. As it seemed, there was nothing else worth praying for.
His mad ramblings, talking to someone only he could see, or thought to see anyway - Rogue had no idea whether there was any point in trying to make sense of them. Maybe it would be better if she did... or possibly that would be the worst mistake she could make. *If only there was a way to be sure,* she thought, remembering that there actually was one at the same time.
Yet before she could act accordingly, Spike started talking to her directly, and with as much adherence to reality as she could wish for him to have in this wretched state he was in. His words' content, however, stung. Had he forgotten everything that had happened on the way here? Had it all been in vain - or was he just too stupid to understand? Pointless anger, fuelled by frustration, boiled up inside the southern belle, and it was only her love providing the strength to contain it.
A deep breath was taken and released as she appeased her temper the best she could. This had to be dealt with diplomatically lest she destroy whatever small chance they still had. Of course it was unfair of him to assume she had left him for nothing but selfish reasons... but at the same time, there was no way he could know better. Unlike she, Spike couldn't see into her soul.
"I know." Her reply was so unlike her initial, inner reaction, and for a moment, Rogue felt a surge of pride. She could control herself, wasn't a slave to her rage. At some point in the past years, so it seemed, she had grown up a little bit more. It was a development to be expected, and yet pleasantly surprising at the same time. "I know." Her hand stroked against his cheek, affectionally, soothingly. "But ah'm here now.... surely that counts somethin'?"
A quick look was sent Beast's way, hand remaining where it was, gloved again now. Spike's thoughts would have distracted her too much at this point, and possibly weakened his mind more. Despite having been using her powers for such a long time, there was still so much she didn't know about them, the way they worked, and what they actually did. There was a risk that couldn't be taken. "Do you think we could ask Jean for help, Hank?" the southern belle asked, unsure whether there was enough reason to believe the headmistress could actually do something to disturb her at this difficult time. And still there was hope again, a little flicker, making her wish it was indeed someone else's interference that was messing with Spike's mind, and not what it seemed to be. Hopeless insanity.
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
Re: Losing Life
It was truly frightening to see with what speed Spike’s mind careered between madness and sanity. Or at least as close to sanity as he seemed to be able to achieve; a tortured awareness of his surroundings and situation that was worrying in itself, though better by far than these conversations with ghosts from his past, torturing him beyond measure.
Hank had thought for an instant that the vampire was going to respond to what he had said lucidly, even if only to chastise the doctor for not having done more to help him in the past. Certainly there had been a hint of reproach in Spike’s eyes as he had looked at the blue mutant, one that Hank had seen all too often from his patients despite all his efforts and devotion.
The fact was that people somehow expected a doctor always to be there to put things right… even if they themselves did nothing to let him know they were ill in the first place. Instead they turned up on his doorstep already deeply in trouble and then wondered why he hadn’t somehow seen it coming. And even then .. as Spike had done, they sometimes disappeared off once again into the ether after one appointment leaving him to do what? Track them down and force them to accept his help?
Maybe that’s what he would have done in an ideal world. One where he didn’t have responsibilities and other patients to deal with! But as it was he was close to saturation point as far as his workload was concerned. And sometimes it was all he could do to treat the patients who did make it as far as med lab without searching for those who chose not to.
Still that didn’t make him feel any less bad when he saw a case like this where things had gone so badly downhill in so short a time.Even the slight angry gleam in Spikes eyes died as he looked at it or at least transferred its focus to something else. "You’re like salt on an open wound." he told someone only he could see. "You’re mockin’ me in front o’them…" and then "You wouldn’t dare."
Hanks yellow eyes clouded with further concern and a rapidly growing realisation that his own psychiatric abilities were nothing like enough to resolve the conflict that was going on in Spikes head. Not quickly enough to do him any good that was. This would take years of therapy to overcome and those were years that Spike didn’t have if he was to make any kind of balanced decision concerning this new chance at life that had so unexpectedly been given too him.
"Will you help me now?" Spike asked him desperately, this time leaving Hank in no doubt that he was once again the one the vampire was talking to. "I can’t focus when she’s there, I can’t remember right… I used t’be stronger; I could hold her off before… I could keep her mind away, bu’can’t keep the doors locked no more, invites herself in and starts to redecorate."The physician didn’t know who this ‘she’ was but it was obviously crucial to Spikes recovery that they find out . And the best person to do that was….
"I never left you…” The sudden change in tack jolted the doctor out of his thoughts I could be worlds away but that doesn’t mean I’ve left you… how could you have thought I …? Hank looked worriedly at Rogue She was still fragile herself to be having to deal with all of this. And yet Spike needed her strength at this moment more than he needed anything else. “I’m still righ’ere” the vampire went on emotionally “waiting and you will never see till all I am is washed away… Who is worse, the one who did what’s best for the other, or the one who did what they thought was best for themselves?"
It was a harsh accusation and unjustified in the extreme. Hank held his breath wondering how Rogue would answer it, knowing that the future of the strange couple that she formed with Spike could very well hinge upon her reply. As could the vampires chances of recovery. "I know." She said simply, though Hank was only too aware of what it must have cost her to do so. "I know. But ah'm here now.... surely that counts somethin'?"*Oh that was well done* Hank thought to himself with an affectionate and relieved smile in her direction *in fact no one could have done better*
But then again Rogue seemed to have understood how deeply troubled Spike really was and reached the same conclusion as he had himself. That alone they weren’t going to be able to do enough to bring him back. No matter how hard they tried or how much they wanted to. "Do you think we could ask Jean for help, Hank?" she said worriedly. "Oh yes my dear.” Hank replied . “I thing we can and should. And the sooner the better.”
Re: Losing Life"I know." It confused him, her words, they sliced through the fog like a slap out of nowhere, she knew… what did she know? "I know." Oh how much the pup he felt like then, a hand caressed his cheek and there Spike stood so bound by the touch that a spell could not have been any more effective. Eyes closed, desperate to absorb the very touch itself to his very core, "But ah'm here now.... surely that counts somethin'?"Somethin’. echoed a voice numbly and without meaning.
"Do you think we could ask Jean for help, Hank?" Jean was hurting though, Spike could see it, proud and strong as she was, she was crying inside; even if determination kept those tears unshed to a greater degree. Opening the blue eyes to stare across at Rogue’s emerald gaze, Spike noticed her focus was off him and currently towards Beast.
"Oh yes my dear." Came the doctors reply, Spike turned his face slightly, noticing for the first time the touch against his cheek was not of flesh but material… a gloved hand. It stung, strangely enough, though he couldn’t quite place reason to why it annoyed him so… even if it still offered comfort. "I think we can and should. And the sooner the better." For a moment, the grave words just washed over Spike, his eyes watching the doctor with a seemingly placid almost dead gaze. After a moment of stillness in the vampire’s features, finally his eyes squinted, as if for a moment the glasses on his face had become useless. The expression softened though, giving Spike an air of defeat as the vampire lowered his head slightly, his eyes drifting downward to settle on a fixed point on the floor.
"So full my thoughts are of thee, that I swear," Came a whispered reciting of a poem, rolling soothly off the tongue and slipping quietly past the vampire’s lips, "All else seems hateful to my troubl'd soul;" continued the quoting, eyes slowly trailing to Rogue’s feet, climbing higher the length of her legs, the gaze drinking in the sight of her form as if to quench a thirst long neglected, "How thou hast o'er me gain'd such vast controul," The cool hand of the pale creature raised to press gently against the back of the hand that touched his face, eyes closing as in as if in a moment of peace, "How sooth'd my tortured spirit is most rare." While the words were trailed off, the poem itself continued on in the depths of his mind, Arisa had found his poem beautiful…beautiful! The cool lips barely moved as Spike went silent, eyes still closed to the world, lips still mutely reciting the words which were inwardly spoken. With eyes opening the vampire turned his face towards Hank once more, only briefly looking off at something nearby that only he could see before eyeing the blue furred doctor yet again. For a moment Spike stared, noticing for a moment that the doctor didn’t seem as appealing as often the case was, the strong heart wasn’t heard beating as powerfully, the scent didn’t run thickly through the vampire’s nostrils… there was a noticeable dullness to what usually was there in comparison.
The gaze seemed slightly off Beast for a moment, at first difficult to tell, obviously whatever the vampire was staring at was directly behind Beast, just off to his side in the distance. The expression seemed to die once again, an emptiness in the eyes that stared as if what they saw was… unexplainable, unbelievable… unimaginable… Should anyone follow his gaze for once they would see something that Spike saw, a reflection, faint as it was, in the window that separate the main area and Hank’s office. The soulled undead drifted from Rogue just a step or two, his arm rising to point, the reflection mimicking, pointing back at him. The arm bent, allowing fingers to reach for his own face for a moment of examination, his emotions difficult to read as a mixture clouded his eyes.
"William…" It was a breathless declaration of the obvious which was whispered softly, though Spike wasn’t so far gone not to realize it was merely his reflection… the fact it was his reflection was enough to be stunned about. When eyes were turned away, there had been almost an air of disgust about it, looking back at Rogue instead, staring at her hands, even as one clung still to the library books, they were gloved… she put those safety barriers back on, she wore her gloves to touch him… "He never gets the girl," For a moment Spike looked every inch a man who was faced with death and had finally accepted the grim fate, he didn’t care any more, what was the point? He tried to be considerate about one thing and not burden someone and it leads to more problems which burden others, and then he tries to fix it and it leads to more burdens and more troubles…
Re: Losing Life
Groundhog Day. That's what Spike and her relationship was like. She would single out what she considered the problem, try to solve it, get a result - and then the scrolls of fate were wiped clean again, forcing her to start anew. Rogue couldn't help wondering what it would take to break the curse. Maybe if she just sat still and did nothing for once, everything would fall into place? Somehow she doubted that would work out though.
Her touch, having given him a moment of peace as it seemed, changed its effect after a while. The vampire's expression was anything but easy to read, but Rogue thought to spot something in there that she had wished never to see again. Shattered hopes. There was no telling what the cause had been; the thought of it having been her gloved hands didn't cross her mind at all. To her, the necessity of protecting Spike from her now harmful touch was clearly evident, too obvious to question the impression it had on him.
Suddenly something caught his attention, and although there had often enough been occasions when the undead had "seen" things that weren't really there, it was too much of an automatism to follow his gaze for past experiences to overrule it. A trace of pity could be seen on Rogue's features when she spotted what he was staring at.
"It's only your reflection, sugah," she said softly, and while uttering it realised the implications of that simple statement, making her voice trail off at the end as she turned to look at Beast. "He's got a reflection? Hank?" This was all getting much too strange for a simple girl from the South. Accepting that someone was a vampire was one thing. They had seen plenty of things others would consider unreal before, but it was exactly that which made a supernatural thing suddenly becoming all too ordinary so much more shocking.
"What's happening to you?" she whispered, her hand not leaving William's cheek. Was his body initiating the process the doctor had been supposed to have him him undergo all by itself? How was that even possible? It seemed there'd be some more days spent in the library ahead, although Rogue was beginning to worry that even the mass of books there wouldn't be able to answer her questions. And that was what really made it scary.
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
Re: Losing Life
There was poetry now. The poetry of a gifted sensitive soul! The soul that had been ripped from the living William and which the vampire he had become had fought so hard to reclaim .Could he really want to do any less with his humanity? Or had his love for Rogue already done that in every way that mattered? It was a question that had tormented Hank from the instant he had realised exactly what was happening to Spike, physically that was.
The doctor too had been separated from the rest of humanity though not to such an extreme extent. he readily admitted. Still, both he and the vampire had to hide what they really were if they wished to walk the streets unnoticed. And both of them had long ago given up on the hope of finding someone who could love them for themselves.
And yet here they both were, with remarkable women at their sides. If Hank suddenly had the opportunity to regain his humanity would Zia understand? He wasn’t sure. But then again it simply wouldn’t occur to her that his present form could be a problem. And indeed now that she was in his life it truly wasn’t. With Spike and Rogue though it was different!
Rogue wasn’t some otherworldly entity with their own sense of values. She was a human woman, whatever her abilities. And a woman who knew all to well what isolation felt like. Spike was nothing less than a godsend. A strange word to apply to a vampire, but in her case a most appropriate one! A male who could touch her without being affected by her powers! The only one she had ever known in all her life. But Spike wasn’t just that…
The mere fact of being able to touch someone with impunity might have lured anyone into a relationship. And yet from where Hank was standing this looked like something deeper. As if two people separated by everything.. life.. death.. centuries.. the universe itself had somehow come together to fulfil their fate.He now knew how it felt. And to what lengths he was prepared to go in order to preserve such a gift.
Spike was ready to make that sacrifice. To give up this newly found humanity for Rogue’s sake. Hank was sure of that .Almost sure. But when you held the final outcome in your hands, almost sure wasn’t enough .Damn it! They should at least have talked things through! And yet.. Ultimately it was Spike’s decision. And if he had just been sane enough to take it then things would have been so much easier.
Now though things had become so complicated on a moral front that Hank despaired. As a man he knew and understood Spikes wishes. The vampire wouldn’t have wanted Rogue involved in something that was in the end his choice. But as a doctor he had certain obligations. There was a next of kin line to be filled in or left blank on every medical file he possessed. In case of emergencies!. In case you weren’t able to make decisions for yourself. And Spikes was far from blank.
Rogues name screamed out from the page putting Hank into an unsustainable position. Especially when Spike gave the game away in such graphic fashion.!"William…" he said , gazing at his too long absent reflection in the mirror He never gets the girl,"
If Rogue hadn’t picked up on it then maybe Hank could have yet navigated his way round the situation. But that was altogether too much to hope for. It had caught her by surprise at first, her words showng that all too clearly. "It's only your reflection, sugah she had said while Hank prayed for what he didn’t exactly know. That she did notice? That’s she didn’t? He no longer knew what he should be hoping for.
Amen was in the end all you could say. So be it. Call it destiny. Call it god. That was a choice for each one to make but one to which in the end you had to bow your head. As Hank did when Rogue realisee the enormity of the situation and said . "He's got a reflection? Hank? Before returning her concern to her lover and asking What's happening to you?"
“Yes. He has a reflection Rogue. With everything that implies!” He replied with a sigh. “I know the how and the why of it and since you are his next of kin I can disclose it too you. But……Rogue…. please.. I beg of you.. talk to him. Try to get through. I know that you can. You may be the only one . Ask him about this before you ask me. And if that fails.. Hanks yellow eyes were full of incipient sorrow. Then I will be in my office. Waiting. “
Re: Losing Life"It's only your reflection, sugah, " Yes and to most humans that was the most common thing in the world, but as Spike stared level at her eyes, he could see the very profound implications of what that meant when in regards to him… the vampire almost wished she hadn’t been so aware. It’d be easier if she didn’t know, easier because what one didn’t know would not weigh down upon them. At least as long as Spike managed to keep her totally oblivious, humans were a tender race at times. With consciousness, guilt and hesitation and uncertainty, what was right for them and wrong, what was wrong for them but right for others, they were just full of so many complications that riddled their human beliefs! Every part of him yearned to reach out and take hold of her face to yank it back into focus on him, to remained her what it meant, what it really meant, not that she’d care, so high and mighty on her list of rights and wrongs, nothing can ever be simple, surely she knew that by now. Simplicity was a lie in itself, what seemed simple dragged with it so many complications.
"He's got a reflection? Hank?" stupidity, of all stupidity, Spike glared at his reflection as if it had been that which shattered all hopes of his complex ‘simplicity’, "What's happening to you? " It didn’t matter, he didn’t care…… humanity was just a fluffy pillow to rest his head upon at night, it meant nothing in the waking world, nothing but weakness and frailty! A nightmare in the day, helpless and meek. Was this his way of freaking out? Calm and chaotic, a mental break down? Hadn’t rogue once said he lost his sense to escape the reality that pained him? Why then did it feel as if so often he ran to a reality he’d long to forget and put behind him. There were other places he’d rather be inside his mind, other memories so better suited for an escape if that’s what really he was doing. Like his night alone with rogue, those were moments he’d call escape, not trapped in a room with his old man or lost in a cage or chased by ghosts! But with her, those moments should be his escape… the moments where he hated all that was happening around him where all that he wanted wasn’t happening and where all he longed for seemed impossible.
"Yes. He has a reflection Rogue. With everything that implies! " A hand raised to press against the back of Rogue’s hand which rested against the vampire’s cheek. "I know the how and the why of it and since you are his next of kin I can disclose it too you. But……Rogue…. please.. I beg of you.. talk to him. Try to get through. I know that you can. You may be the only one . Ask him about this before you ask me. And if that fails.." It’ll all fail, it always fails, and failure seemed to follow him around, attaching itself to his very being as stench does to a corpse. "Then I will be in my office. Waiting." The blonde seemed to lean forward slightly as Hank finished speaking, a stroke of breath touching against Rogue’s ear, did she ever miss him as he so often had missed her. This would just be another way to ensure that he never becomes close to her again. "Too much worry in your eyes."
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