Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
There was a gentle breeze, it was nice though the night was slightly warm, most students were content in staying inside with the cool air-conditioning system and man built environment… Connor would have if he didn’t feel so confined in the crowded family room. Everything seemed to be happening all at once, the days sped by in a blur and everything seemed to be taking its toll on Connor. Slowly but surely, he wasn’t sure how he felt about all this… the school, the people… they all acted as if he was the same, yet different, they all had their secrets or their expectations… He didn’t want any of this, he just wanted to close his eyes and be somewhere else, somewhere different, somewhere peaceful.
Bright eyes gleamed in the darkness of the night, the evening light having faded almost completely, he had called Madison and told her a while ago he was just going out for a long walk, usually he disappeared for hours on end when he went off to think so it wasn’t really anything new for the family. It was nice just spending time on his own, it seemed he’d been surrounded and smothered since he’s arrival and even before hand with Amlarie.
Connor smiled a little, he liked the outdoors, he liked the privacy, he liked everything of the moment, well… aside for the lack of memories, that disturbed him. It seemed he had spent ages sitting there thinking, and still he wasn’t any closer to new memories or figuring out dreams then he was when he first sat down. His jeans were folded up slightly as his bare feet touched the water, shoes and socks neatly placed behind him on the pier. It was cool here, by the water the air was chilled slightly as it rolled over the watery surface, leaving a pleasant feel against Connor’s skin.
After a moment of thought Connor carefully pulled off the dusty blue t-shirt, a wolf’s outline was on the back in black thin lines, making it almost impossible to see unless you were right up close. The top was folded neatly and left on the brown leather boots, which had their black laces tidily knotted up so they weren’t flopped all over the place loosely. Quickly Connor slipped his toes from the water, inching back so that he could discreetly wiggle free of the jeans though remained with his snug shorts that he had worn earlier when cooling off with Chris by the pool briefly. Though Connor didn’t enter the water, he had watched Chris play for a little while and tossed the ball back and forth from the edge of the pool. People were splashing and the pool smelled funny and the girls were throwing themselves about and the guys were joining in, everyone was just loud and out there and Connor shied away from the chaotic hassle.
Now it was peaceful, and the thin crescent of the moon gave a soft glow to the water, not the bright circle Connor remembered in his dreams, but still tempting enough to have him slid carefully off the edge of the pier and into the water, which had been warmed slightly by the weather. At the end of the pier the water only reached his waist, though he felt hesitant on releasing his hold on the walkway at first… his body slowly pulling away and his hands sinking beneath the waters surface to explore the cool liquid. Vibrant blue eyes peered around the waters edge, his defence still not being lowered even as he stood in the lake on his own.
A moment passed and Connor allowed his focus to drift away from the outer edges of the lake, returning to the area directly around him and feeling the sandy flood between his toes, a few rocks and rough peddles scattered along the base of the lake along with long blades of underwater grass and weeds of sorts. There was an island off in the center roughly, trees and shrubs filled the small mass that was usually a romantic hang out for anyone who made use of the boards stored in the boathouse. Each step drew Connor a little further from the edge of the lake, the water raising a little more till it reached his chest, his heart raced a little, his eyes moving to study the water around him carefully.. he wasn’t sure he wanted to go any further. Instead he turned around, feeling a little awkward in his black swim shorts just as he had earlier that day.
Movement caught the corner of his eye, a shadow in the gloom of the water that caused a startled flinch, his head twisting and turning trying to see what it was that was moving. There was nothing there… his eyes were already adjusted to the darkness, he could see clearly and he knew there was nothing… he couldn’t even feel any real vibrations in the water that would suggest something moving around him. The feral closed his eyes, scolding himself for feeling the strange paranoia and telling himself everything was ok. He’d prove it, with a determined air, Connor slowly sank beneath the water, opening his eyes and peering around, seeing farther then most would even in the daytime.
It was a strange feeling, but suddenly Connor felt confined, trapped as if there were walls all around him, his heart raced again and his mind went strangely blank, his emotions seemed to take control and his confusion over it also increased the swelling panic. There was nothing there… he could see that, his luminous eyes gleamed a light of there own it seemed, a beckon in the dark but a beckon he himself had little ability to find comfort in. A whisper… a lot of whispers, all around him, he jerked his head around but only caught the faintest movements in the very corners of his eyes. The blur of images that were unidentifiable flashed only momentarily but enough to startle Connor into tensing with panic, his claws sliding out in the fright and the sharp pain pulling a gargled yell that, while the first part was muffled in the water, rang clear as his body struggled to find his footings and stand. A coughing fit ensued and the claws hindered his ability to cover his mouth.
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
There were a thousand possible words to describe today. Racheal’s current choice one was ‘crap’. Of course, the word had changed repeatedly though out the day, and this had settled only for the last few minutes. Not that she minded having to move out of her room. That was a little, strange, but moving was something she was more than apt to cope with. Not that she minded having to be near people, to a degree. It was more who she had to be around, and the conditions.
The walk had stopped only to allow her to rest her head on one of the trees. She was tempted to bang it repeatedly if self preservation hadn’t currently been top of her list of priorities. Brilliant. Just brilliant. First, they stick a team on an island away from everyone else with no supplies. A team of which half was liable to kill each other and the other half to hide in a hole while it happened. Then, changing the team round with, what she had hoped, the idea to make it more stable and making them live together. Only now, with all the characters as strong as they were, they were all liable to kill each other!
As far as fights went, even Feral had to admit that the main issue was actually between herself and Max. Well, the voiced one anyway. Neither herself nor the stone mutant would be intimidated by the other – that was proven on the island. Though admittedly there hadn’t been anything but tension really. At least on her side. Today. If push came to shove though she was more than willing to fight him. Especially as this time the team seemed almost prepared for something like that. Well, Garnet and Jess should have been anyway.
Thinking about the two other original Exiles, she couldn’t help but sigh slightly. Honestly, she couldn’t think badly abut Jess. Sure he was annoying at times, but he wasn’t someone who actually annoyed her properly. Heck, on training missions he had even tried to back her up. Almost. Kind of. Well, they were both against Max it seemed anyway. As for Garnet. She was the leader. She would be respected. But Racheal wouldn’t like her. She just couldn’t bring herself to cross that line. Mostly, because of her fire abilities. But also because of her attitude at times. The morpher couldn’t put her finger on it, she just felt like they clashed. As for the newcomers, she hadn’t actually formed an opinion on them. Yet. Though the newest girl, Fred, freaked her out somewhat. Racheal’s heightened senses could tell that something was wrong. It had taken her a little while just because it was so strange. There were no breathes. The girl didn’t breath! Heart beat she wasn’t sure about, as her hearing wasn’t that strong. But certainly the girl didn’t breath. Even now, the thought sent a shiver down her spine.
A soft sigh escaped her throat, long, quiet. She was here to relax, to get the thoughts out of her head. She pondered heading for the stables for a moment. It would be nice to be around the horses, around animals in general. Animals were so much simpler than humans in many ways. They were more honest about their emotions and behaviours. But, she decided finally, not the horses. She wanted to morph, and when she did she was going to let the morph come as it wanted, not controlling it. Which meant she could range from a perfectly formed tiger to an orca with fur. Though, she was sure that the orca wouldn’t come about unless she decided to go for a swim, which was something the feral wanted to avoid for now.
So, with that decided, she head through the woodlands, fingers playing through the lower leaves on the trees and the bushes. She could have been near silent if she wanted. Heck, if she wanted she could have been completely silent. But she didn’t want to be. She knew the creatures here would be used to the sounds of humans so that didn’t worry her, and she wanted to just release some of the built up tension. Her footsteps were still lightly though, even as she started to softly hum the tune ‘Brother my Brother’.
Most might have found her entire odd, cold even for a warm evening like this. Actually, it was a comfort wear, exactly what she had worn on her first day. Her t-shirt, originally black with a white dragon on it, was now so faded that it was near grey and the dragon looked more like a shadow of it’s former self. The jeans were faded as well, with some wear at the ends, though no holes just yet, her trainers not quite so worn, just old and comfortable. Even as she hummed, she chuckled softly to herself as she looked at the t-shirt, which caught, near tearing, on one branch before she expertly unhooked it. It had been a long time since she’d worn these together. Not since her first day.
On their first day anywhere, most people always maintain some memory, mostly of the emotions – fear, excitement, anticipation and the like, sometimes of the events, of meeting new people. But like all things, the memories often faded. But not with Racheal. Not only had the day been a massive step for her, but so much had happened! The chuckle had come because of it, remembering Heath’s concerns over her temperature. It had been snowing and he had worried that she would have been too cold. The horse ride had been possible the most positive thing about that day.
It was moment’s like that she would miss. Like those she’d shared with Michael in the library on Thursday, both doing an activity that they enjoyed. She was never sure about meeting new people, but caught in an activity that was mutually enjoyed actually made her enjoy the entire experience. But she still felt trapped. Even now, she was trapped within the walls. But she daren’t pass them yet, not until she was better prepared. She was still marked by bruises, and she wasn’t happy with her morphing abilities. She had let them slip. No, if she left the walls too soon she knew she wouldn’t return. Feral by name, feral by nature.
The song had changed. Almost like a record player as she wandered. The humming turned to softly sung words as she lost herself in thought. About what? About anything. ”…raise you head up, lift high the load…” The song was ‘Two Worlds’ from the Disney Tarzan movie, years old but it didn’t matter to her. Somehow the song seemed apt simply for her life. Like many of the songs she knew well, it was one she had heard as a child, played by her mother or watched on the DVD. She sighed softly again, the song turning to a hum again as she walked. Racheal knew she was nearing the lake about now. Maybe she would detour, sit by it for awhile. There was a perfect spot she had found before, where a large tree over hung the lake. She could either sit beneath the tree and watch the ripples on the water, or rest in the tree. It offered shade, comfort even. Maybe she could read her book there before she left.
Thoughts were broken though by what could have only be a scream. It was weird though, it didn’t start like most and the only reasoning that the feline mutant could go by was that the first part had been muffled for some reason. It took her two seconds more to figure that out then it did to work out what direction it came from. The lake. A growl grew in her throat as she worked her way swiftly through the trees. Even if she didn’t feel like she belonged here, part of her was protective of anyone here. And after the attack last week, heck, near enough a week ago exactly, she wasn’t about to risk another attack. She was still tightly wound, suspicious.
It wasn’t until the lake came into view that she realised that the threat, at lest, didn’t seem to exist. That didn’t mean noone was in trouble though. Someone was thrashing around in the lake in distress. Why, she wasn’t sure. And who she couldn’t see yet. Racheal’s feline eyes were wide, and more than apt. She couldn’t see in colour perfectly now, true, but the light from the moon was more than enough to give her a crystal clear picture. It might as well have been day light. Her eyes quickly looked around, caught in the moment. She had to help, there was noone else around anyway. The pier was what caught her attention, the neatly folded clothes, it was also the nearest solid formation to the boy, for it was certainly a male, in the water. What worried her most though was the flashes of silver which also darted through the air.
It wasn’t until she reached the pier that she saw enough of the swimmer to realise who it was. And what was causing the silver flash. Connor. With what seemed like deadly knives. Maybe any sensible girl would turn around and leave right then for fear of being shredded. Especially with the whole issue on self preservation at the moment. But she owed Connor. Sure, she’d been on the rescue mission at Harmony, but then she’d been one in a crowd. Now was more personal. If it hadn’t been for Connor, she wouldn’t have been here, she would have spent the last three months on the streets. Not that she would ever admit it, or expect anyone to understand.
Just in case entering the water was needed, she’d kicked her trainers off, before reaching the end of the pier and kneeling on it. Green feline eyes watched him carefully for a little bit, before she spoke slowly, carefully. ”Connor?...” What the hell was she meant to do? Inwardly, she sent herself a breath to try and calm herself. ”Connor, listen to me… I don’t know what’s wrong, but it’s okay really…” He was in the middle of the lake. She had swum in it a few times and there was nothing harmful in there. She felt so amazingly useless. She almost kicked herself at the thought. Jake. When she had first seen him, there had been something that had reminded her of her wild brother in him. So what would she do with Jake? If he’d morphed a wolf and was slashing at the air, out of what seemed fear. She breathed slowly again, trying to think. ”Connor, breathe slowly. Deep breathes. There’s nothing to worry about..” She kept her voice calm, soft, watching him carefully.
"I was wrong, to think that I might belong. But I will never forget what I was... Who I am.. What I did, just to learn that"
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
Movement could be heard, footsteps tapping against the wooden planks of the pier echoed clearly and yet Connor could barely focus on these sounds, his own heart nearly deafened him, while trying to hold his hands out of the water he nicked his own skin with the blades, though the wound healed quickly and the sharp pain faded just as fast. It didn’t help ease Connor, the he looked more skittish then when he’d be encaged in the black market scene.
”Connor?...” The voice brought a sudden stillness, a sharp breath, his eyes darting over to the direction for where the sound had come from. It was a girl, not someone he knew… well, not someone he remembered, for she seemed to know him. ”Connor, listen to me… I don’t know what’s wrong, but it’s okay really…” Ok? If it was ok then why was he so unnerved, he was beyond that, he was scared, he didn’t want to be in the water any more, it seemed like a great idea at the time, now it seemed like the most stupidest thing he could have imagined. It had been ok, everything had been fine, until he put his face underwater, then he just freaked out. He didn’t even know why he was so skittish, no idea what he was scared of but he was scared and that’s all that mattered right now. "Connor, breathe slowly. Deep breathes. There’s nothing to worry about.." Shaky breaths followed her words, struggling to comply, a deeper breath trembled in his lunges and was released just as unsteadily.
Panicked eyes watched her, fretful nerves causing a shiver in his body as his tension mounted. Her face seemed friendly, his eyes wanted to look away so badly to make sure there was nothing closing in around him, but if he looked away, then what if she wasn’t there when he looked back? The soft expression told him clearly that she did know him, but how? Were they friends, class friends? Was there something more or something less between them?
This was just like in the car, back when he felt claustrophobic and cramped, back when the very air seemed deprived of oxygen and no matter how he struggled to breath he just couldn’t get enough in. He had felt the spin of a dizzy spell come on him in the car, fainting wasn’t something he wanted to do out in the water. The blue eyed feral tried so hard to picture the Canadian woodlands his father tried to describe, the trees, the smell, but it wasn’t easy, it never was, Connor’s enhanced senses always teased him with the truth. He hadn’t learnt how to dim them, that was the main problem with his abilities, he could control any ability he mimicked from others yet his own he had trouble with.
There was a glean on his moist skin, the pale light touching his damp features that were above the lakes surface, a blend of sweat and water. All he had to do was move forward, to return from where he came, it wasn’t so hard, so why couldn’t he move? He wasn’t too far away from the edge of the pier, but he knew he’d have to get a few more meters closer before he had any chance of reaching out for the girl to help him out. He wanted to reach for her now, pray for some miracle that he managed to actually move towards her. But as he lifted his hand before him he couldn’t help but stare at the blades that still refused to sheath themselves. Anxious eyes looked up at the girl, his breaths picking up slightly once again, a sharp turn of his head pulled his gaze away as he looked back down in the water, startled by the slither of a weed against his skin. A shake of his head come as if replying to some question, all Connor wanted to do was curl up, to withdraw into a shell he didn’t have, he didn’t want to be seen and he didn’t want to feel like this, he wanted to get away from everything, he wanted to rest for a while, why couldn’t he just manage to rest?
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
It wasn’t hard to see the panic in his eyes. But, he seemed to be slowly responding, as if he were listening to her, her words getting through. *Good boy* she thought silently as she watched him, her expression unfaltering, calm. She knew the struggle was inward, knew it was fear the gripped him. Panic often came because of a feeling of a lack of control, fear because of the unknown, or some past experience. Racheal had no idea what had set him off, but she had her own ways to cope. That was how to get through after all, by coping.
But something had changed suddenly, something that stopped him making the progress that he seemed to be about to make. *Damn!* There was no change in her expression, but inwardly she cursed as she almost felt the panic grow again in him. Cursing again inwardly, she thought herself to calm down. One of the difficulties with her power was the sensitivity of her animal nature, picking up easily on the emotions of others, highly affected by them. She forced herself to follow her own commands, her breaths slow, deep.
*Just like Jake* The feral reminded herself. Except it wasn’t just like Jake. If it was Jake then she would have been able to go to him by now, to comfort him better, like a sister could. This wasn’t Jake, wasn’t even someone she knew that well. And he had weapons her twin could have only dreamed of. But there was still a trick she could try, to help him maybe gain control again. The same trick the twins had had when their morphs became difficult or when first learning to morph. She only hoped it would help Connor as well. But first, she would need to get his attention again.
”Connor, it’s okay. Look at me. It’s alright, I promise.” She watched him carefully as she spoke, hoping to draw his attention back to her. If it had not been for those claw blades she would have been in the water already and offering him her hand. The water seemed to be the source of his fear, if his behaviour was anything to go by and getting him out of it was important. But not as important as getting him to control himself.
”Connor, I need to you to listen to me.” There was a moment’s hesitation before she continued, part of her rebelling against her next words. ”I need you to trust me Connor, nothing’s going to harm you. Not now. Remember, deep, slow breathes.” Her voice remained calm though her mind was working over time in a hope this would work, hoping that she could gain a little of the trust from him that he had managed to offer her on her first day. Her huntress’ gaze watched him, watching his behaviour.
”Now close your eyes and listen. There’s just you, me and the water. Nothing else. There’s nothing in the water, and the lake bed is beneath your feet. Just listen to my voice” She repeated the request to listen to her, knowing that repetition often helped in a panic, to know that there was something steady going on. ”I want you to picture yourself, right now, as you are. Look at yourself carefully. Now, picture what… who you want to be at this moment in time. Picture yourself in control of this situation, calm, having complete control. You have that control Connor” Her voice remained calm, watching him still, trying to think carefully. She wasn’t sure she could get him to step towards the pier, she was still hoping to get him to calm down.
Her mind was still racing as she looked at his claws carefully. She had a choice, self preservation or getting Connor out of there. All the time she never stopped speaking, her voice calm, slow. ”Now, take that picture of what you are now again, and imaging him gaining that control, feeling that calm. Feel the process, the transition. Focus on it. Don’t force it, just let it come like winter becomes spring. It comes slowly, steadily, naturally, slowly gaining control.”
There was an inward struggle going on with her as well as she spoke. It was the need to help, the need to remove him from the situation that still plagued her. That verses those claws of his. ”Now feel the sensation of that transition, feel it flowing through you, changing you just at it changed the image of you” It sounded more complicated than it was really, especially after practise. It was the process she had to go through every time she morphed, picturing the animal, feeling it’s strength, feeling it’s movements, making them her own. Though admittedly the first time was strange. She was hoping it would be easier for him.
As she spoke, against possibly her better judgement, she almost silently slipped into the water – still fully dressed minus her trainers, something she knew she’d regret shortly as her jeans started to take up water. She ignored the sensation as she drew closer to him, till she was just out of reach of his claws as she slowly held her hand out to him. ”You have that control Connor, you just need to let it come, to feel it in you. Just you, me and the water. There’s no threat here” Feline eyes were fixed on those claws, her hand just out of direct reach of his, it would be forcing him to make the first step at least. That was important. But also, she wass prepared, her muscles ready to move if something went wrong and he moved to attack her. One assest of being feline based. Quick reactions. Her voice remained gently, calm, before she continued. ”Now just take my hand..”
"I was wrong, to think that I might belong. But I will never forget what I was... Who I am.. What I did, just to learn that"
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
”Connor, it’s okay. Look at me. It’s alright, I promise.” Her words returned, soft and gentle yet firm and steady. Everything about her seemed control, her will, her spirit, it was as if she’s dealt with this sort of thing before, as if she knew exactly what to do and how to act. Was it because she knew him that well? Was it just who she was? Troubled eyes focused once again on the girls face, green eyes were slit though the colour was dulled significantly from Connor’s sight at this level of darkness, he could still vaguely make out the shade. She was feral… he sniffed the air almost instinctively as he realized that though he didn’t smell any familiar scents as he had amongst his family, everyone may be unique by there was something that linked family all together.
”Connor, I need to you to listen to me.” Everyone always wanted him to listen, everyone always wanted him to hear what they had to say, but not everyone was always telling the truth, Amlarie wanted him to trust her, Sarah wanted him to trust her, everyone wants him to trust them and yet half of them just end up lying to him or trying to do something without telling him what’s really happening.
”I need you to trust me Connor, nothing’s going to harm you. Not now. Remember, deep, slow breathes.” There was an honesty in her voice, a gentleness that Connor almost hated for a moment as it forced him to open his eyes and really see she was there talking to him simply because he could not cope with yet another problem, and yet again someone had to rescue him. He may only remember the last couple of days, but one things was proving dominant, and that was that he needed a lot of rescuing. Wasn’t he capable of surviving on his own? So many potholes lurked around him, continuously taking the feral by surprise and more often then not those surprises were not so lightly overcome.
Trust her… she sounded so sincere, he felt withdrawn from the world he was growing comfortable, at least there were familiar faces by in the apartment, his kid brother Chris, his father, even his sisters were growing familiar, but he didn’t like being outside the apartment, there were too many people who looked at him as if they knew him and he couldn’t return that look. What if he could never return it? What if all his relationships were forgotten to him, forced to be rebuilt, all the special moments he had, gone forever, his private life, his wishes growing up, his dreams, his long term friendships… did he have any?! Sure names were mentioned… here and there, and not all at once, both sisters tried to explain Connor was a very private individual who wasn’t very social, but it didn’t help lift Connor’s spirits at all with the limited list of friends so far recalled.
Maybe this was one of his friends… no… obviously she was, but she was keeping her distance, she was asking him to trust her but she was all the way over there. Yet she was here, talking still… trying to help him, trying to talk him into a sense of calm, he could feel himself growing at ease while she spoke, still tense, but not alone any more… that made a difference.
”Now close your eyes and listen. There’s just you, me and the water. Nothing else. There’s nothing in the water, and the lake bed is beneath your feet. Just listen to my voice” Was she sure… was she positive there was nothing in there, how could she see the waters depths, how could she know for sure, she wasn’t in the water with him, she couldn’t see, or feel, what he could. Everyone was always asking him to close his eyes! Well… his father did, and Sarah but that was because he was very uncomfortable when she started undressing and.. .well yeah, anyway, his dad has been the only one to ask him to close his eyes while he was panic stricken. Maybe this girl knew him well enough to know about this? Maybe she’d seen his father do it, maybe she’s done this before… he didn’t know… but he followed her request, hesitantly but complying in the end. ”I want you to picture yourself, right now, as you are. Look at yourself carefully.” It wasn’t hard to imagine how he looked, a frightened child once again, needing protection from what couldn’t be seen, needing arms to hold him and whispers of tender care that offer an undying source of protection. He needed to be stronger, he needed to deal with things better, he couldn’t keep freaking out over every little thing… “Now, picture what… who you want to be at this moment in time. Picture yourself in control of this situation, calm, having complete control. You have that control Connor” Like his father… Logan seemed to always have control, he seemed to know what to do, though there was a sadness in the elders eyes there was still a strength that always brought admiration in Connor, though he did well to hide it. How would Logan act if he was scared? Could Logan even get scared? It would take something terrible to scare him, Connor saw how others stared at the gruff man, Wolverine was feared and respected and for good reason.
”Now, take that picture of what you are now again, and imaging him gaining that control, feeling that calm. Feel the process, the transition. Focus on it. Don’t force it, just let it come like winter becomes spring. It comes slowly, steadily, naturally, slowly gaining control.” To become his father? He was in some ways, he looked a little more like Logan now, the neatly kept stubble grew but there was still an air of tidiness to him, as always, not too wild.. not too scruffy… a perfect balance, like a tamed beast in some ways. Would the day come where he would be revered as much as his father was? Would Connor be feared and respected? The image was appealing in some ways, he didn’t struggle so hard as he would have expected when trying to place himself in his father’s shoes.
”Now feel the sensation of that transition, feel it flowing through you, changing you just as it changed the image of you” His breaths became a little deeper, not so fast or shallow, though strained a sense of calm was befalling him. He’d done these exercises before, it made things a little easier for him, he also felt connected simply by the fact this girl was obviously a feral, her eyes were as distinct as his in their differences, though his didn’t slit, not unless he mimicked his youngest sisters eye abilities. Still, her eyes were different, slits instead of round, like his partially illuminate in their fantastic blue shine. A sound came to him, the vibrations in the water telling his delicate senses that another was joining him in the lake, her body slowly wading towards him, careful, cautious, his tension returned a little and his eyes opened though he was only really apprehensive about her coming to close while he had troubles sheathing his claws. He felt relieved that she joined him in the water, it made it a little more bearable, though she seemed tense which unnerved him a little. Racheal’s hand reached out slowly, carefully, Connor’s eyes focused on it, his attention sharp, honed, he gave a brief nervous glance at the water about him and then focused once again on her hand, her fingers… the very tips.. so close, but still out of reach.
”You have that control Connor, you just need to let it come, to feel it in you. Just you, me and the water. There’s no threat here” No threat… no threat… but he felt… no! He was his father’s son, he had no fear, no worries, no concern, he was feared, ruthless and respected, he was his father’s son and he suffered no inhibitions! The male’s heart began to race again, his eyes filling with a confused mixture of panic, uncertainty and calmness, an air of stubborn determination driving him, the bravado he developed, a coping mechanism he learned to use at will. Green eyes focused on the silver claws, which were slowly drifting off to either side of Connor, held skilfully at bay, a lifetime of avoiding, a lifetime of fearing the harm he could cause, he may not remember it, but his body adjusted itself as if he did. ”Now just take my hand..”
Fingers curled slightly, on some level they were ready to move forward, but they were being withheld, his thoughts fighting to pull the knives in as a new awkwardness filled him, though she was here now… she was so close, she was chasing away the shadows in the lake that seemed to haunt him. It looked like Connor was struggling just to get his legs to move, one dragging itself forward fearfully, as if worried there may be some hole his feet would sink into, some unsafe ground that may hinder his movements. There was another sniff of the scent she radiated, a study of her, a cautious record made and placed in the back of his mind, like his father Connor was impeccable at remembering scents, he thought now, as he had the first time he met Racheal, that he would never forget her scent, he would never forget her and the help she offered.
The blue eyes watched her intensely, waiting for any sudden movements, suspicious yet submissive, his face seemed to glide ever gently lower towards her hand, as if attempting to sniff it as a creature would for food our just out of plain curiosity. The sharp pain was sudden as a slicing sound of metal grazing against metal was heard, his claws vanishing into the flesh once again, leaving deep cuts that caused a sharp breath from Connor, his teeth clenching from the surprise though the weeping wounds slowly closed from the instant they were formed. Minor hesitation followed though he seemed to slink closer to the girl, his bloodied knuckles manoeuvred carefully towards her, safe and cautious as always, overly so perhaps, but right now anything less seemed inappropriate. His left hand timidly inched towards her outstretched arm, though his body seemed to overstep his mark slowly, though intentionally, as he let his eyes drift close, his fingers gently taking hold of her hand while his other hand carefully rested on her shoulder, awkward, but his panic still drove him. A timidness still soaked him despite the calm and the mental images of bravery, though he tried hard he couldn’t ignore completely the eerie fear that filled him. Instead he revelled in the truth of her company, he wasn’t alone, he wasn’t trapped in the water, she was here, she’ll help him… she had to… he wouldn’t let go of her now, not until they were safe, she said she’d save him hadn’t see? His fingers trembled, though Connor didn’t even notice, his eyes remained shut, trying to absorb as much of her details as possible, drawing comfort and ease simply from the fact she was here… she was real… she was within arms reach. His hands cautiously held her, in a way that allowed the claws a chance to slip out harmlessly though he didn’t even want to worry about it right now, as soon as he worried they will come unbidden again. His face seemed to sink quickly into her shoulder, his forehead pressing against her while his face looked down at the waters surface. He didn’t want to open his eyes, he didn’t want to check to see if there was still those shadows in the water.
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
Emerald eyes watched him silently, waiting for him patiently. In truth, it took little time, but it felt like an hour passed until she felt some relief flood through her. Possibly what surprised her most was that it didn’t come when the other feral sheathed his claws; instead it was as he took a slow, hesitant step forward. That was progress. Brilliant progress actually as he managed, it seemed at least, to take control of his fear. Even if he was merely burying it, it didn’t matter, not in that moment. Sure, sometimes fear had to be addressed, but not now. It had taken too much to just get this far to expect any more from him.
She had seen the wounds caused by the claws, but she took no notice of them. After all, Racheal had watched him get shot in the back and he hadn’t even noticed! She doubt that a few cuts would really bother him that much as her feline gaze now fixed onto his face. She noted the caution, but could hardly blame him for it. The number of times she had woken up in mid morph.. heck, it had happened the Sunday morning of the training missions, her phobia of fire almost causing her to swipe at Garnet’s head when she had been woken.
Although she’d offered it to him, there was something strange which settled in her when he took her hand. She tended to avoid physical contact when she could, though it normally didn’t take much effort to do. Racheal wasn’t exactly the sort of person people would run up and hug after all. But she had offered and that alone kept the slight feeling of awkward uneasiness at bay. She relaxed slightly though, smiling a little more. She claimed no victory in this what so ever. All she had done was spoken, it had been Connor which had found the control he was using now, however false it might be in that moment.
What caught Racheal off guard though was the fact he drew closer still, one hand finding her shoulder. She thought down the slight wave of uncertainty at this, her head racing, covering it. He was scared, he was seeking comfort. But even when scared the twin’s comfort for each other wasn’t very physical. Sure, she would pet the canine whilst in morph, like any other animal. But They hadn’t hugged since the beginning of their teenage years. Jake had become more wild then, and although the occasional touch or even holding of hands might occur briefly, it wasn’t the same. Even so, she controlled that wave then, sighing inwardly to herself, still smiling.
The touch of his forehead on her shoulder didn’t help. But she had a vague understanding of why he did it, and she forced herself to be calm. It wasn’t his fault and all he was looking for was comfort. He wasn’t to know how sensitive she could be about personal space. And this moment wasn’t about her and her issues anyway. It was about him and his. She smiled slightly, giving a brief second to this moment. He had made quite a step. Fear could freeze you solid and over power you. Which in a mutant was far more dangerous. But he had shown through those small steps that he could have the control, he could control the fear. And this short pause was to celebrate that moment. But she soon broke it. By now, the water was around her lower chest, and water had soaked up the thin t-shirt. And with his hand and head on her shoulder, there was now water soaking down wards, if not as much.
”Well done” She whispered softly, trying to work out the best way of doing this. ”See.. you can do it. Now.. I think it’s time wee got out of the water..” Her voice lightened gently, her attempt at making the situation feel less serious, less threatening. ”I don’t know about you.. but I’m soaked. Come on” There was something hinting at a gentle joke in her voice, though it remained soft, calming. Her free hand slowly moved to rest on the upper arm of the one which held her shoulder. She turned slightly so she could see the pier, slowly, gently guiding him. It wasn’t easy. Connor’s steps seemed hesitant, unwilling. But she finally managed it.
The next hurdle was actually getting him on to the pier. From the way the other feral clung to her, it was clear he wasn’t about to do so from his own prerogative. She sighed a little more audible now, pulling free gently from his grip on her shoulder, though she let his hand stay in her’s for now. Emerald eyes glanced briefly over the grounds. At least this had happened at night. She was sure Connor wouldn’t want the world to see him right now. Gently, she switched which hand held her’s so she could rest the other hand lightly on the middle his back, encouragingly. ”Come on Connor..” She murmured primarily to herself, hoping he would take the initiative in that moment and climb out. Her hand moved from his back to the arm she was already holding, guiding, hoping.
By the time she’d gotten him out, she was feeling very glad that not only was it a warm night but the cold didn’t bother her. Much. She broke contact with him briefly as she pulled herself up onto the pier, sitting on the edge of it for a moment, flicking some of her hair behind one ear. She quickly removed her socks, squeezing the water from them before resting them over her trainers in the vain hope they might dry a bit, before looking back to Connor. ”See, that wasn’t so bad… How are you feeling?” Her voice was still soft, mild concern showing in her voice. Panic and fear were powerful allies. And even if there is no true danger it could leave you feeling crap.
"I was wrong, to think that I might belong. But I will never forget what I was... Who I am.. What I did, just to learn that"
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
The strange scent of the other girl wafted into his nostrils, tingling his senses and being analysed and examined to the finest of details with little effort. Again he managed to overcome his fears obey the voices of those trying to help him, but Connor himself couldn’t see how big a step that was, he felt foolish and weak constantly and every problem he encountered was yet another annoyance and shame in his life.
"Well done” Tension didn’t ease even if her compliment, he didn’t feel comfortable with being so close to someone he didn’t remember and yet he didn’t feel as if he could survive if he let go. If it were his family then he’d definitely find himself wrapping panicked arms about the body more securely, but she wasn’t family, he wasn’t even sure who she was to him. "See.. you can do it. Now.. I think it’s time wee got out of the water..” Bright eyes opened, staring down at the water which started to soak more of her clothes as the water was absorbed by the fabric. It clung to her body that was above the water, and yet seemed loose and free flowing below, the curves of her chest seemed to hold his gaze before he even realized where his downward stare was focused. The continuation of her voice caused him to quickly close his eyes and nudge his forehead slightly more higher, settling his eyes pressed down against her shoulder and she spoke. "I don’t know about you.. but I’m soaked. Come on” There was a touch, her fingers against his skin, which crawled and tingled instantly in response, he wasn’t used to physical contact, though he wasn’t even used to getting a great deal of attention from others and while he may not remember the lack of contact he did notice he felt oddly uneasy near close company. Saying that, right now if he pulled away from her he was sure he’d feel even worse, being alone wasn’t something he could deal with right now.
Racheal seemed to guide him along, his hands held her firmly yet his head lifted somewhat, his cautious eyes peering around, mostly focused on the lakes floor as they moved, eyeing the water carefully as if waiting for an expected threat to leap out from within its depths. He didn’t want to move… but he didn’t want to stay here, his feet dragged as they walked, his body stiff and his feet heavy, though still he moved, forcing each step to allow Racheal to guide him.
It appeared the pier was there before him before Connor even realized they were approaching it, made sense though, as that’s where all his clothes were, but right now thinking wasn’t part of this ordeal. Hands shifted, which considering his strength had been a force of will on Connor’s part not to tighten his grip more so and not risk her pulling away from him. Luckily she wasn’t intending on leaving, just shifting position, though again his flesh tingled as a hand rested against his bare back. "Come on Connor.." He tried not to look at her, tried not to think of anything, all he cared about was each second as it unfolded and what was to proceed directly after that. Her palm moved away, no longer resting between his shoulder blades, now against his upper arm and causing distraught eyes to peer over towards her face and then back at the pier as if it were a terrifying new experience she was prodding him to do.
Most would assume he’d have to let go of her hand, but Connor proved them wrong, his stubborn attempt of remaining clutched to the green eyed feral worked effortlessly enough as he managed to place his spare hand palm down on the wooden edge, pushing his body up and twisting it slightly to allow him to sit on the edge. It seemed once that was accomplished that the girl found it time to pull her hand away from his, he’d have looked more distressed if he hadn’t assured himself that she was just trying to get out of the water herself.
"See, that wasn’t so bad… How are you feeling?" The other feral had set about ringing out the water from her socks, setting them down before she spoke and Connor as she did Connor was collecting his shirt and trousers and placing them on his lap. Nervous hands smoothed over the fabric, perfecting the folded edges as best he could, fidgeting while trying to tell himself it was over and there was nothing to worry about. His chest still showed he was gulping for air, he looked infinitely calmer, yet the mask was only so helpful, the uneasiness in his eyes and the racing heart and distressed breathing couldn’t so quickly be disguised, despite his almost instinctual need to put on a neutral expression.
A side glance slipped over to stare at her before looking back at the waters, his expression cracking slightly as he got upset over the situation he had just previously found himself in. Dropping his gaze to his top, his fingers smoothing over the material still, Connor hesitated before relenting and pulling the dry t-shirt over his still damp skin, feeling too awkward sitting there in nothing but his swimming briefs from earlier.
"..I guess I don’t like water so much." He tried to sound casual, but it came out only as a soft mumble, the notion caught him off guard and he didn’t want to think he had issues with yet another thing, how can one person have so many problems? Fingers pressed down the front of the material, smoothening it out over him, straightening the look, fussing over the smallest wrinkle until none marred the top.. save for the water stains which he wasn’t pleased to see. He stopped petting it down, dropping his hands to his lap and resting his palms on the fabric of his pants, which he felt a little odd at the moment trying to picture how it would look to wiggle into them at this point. His list of faults kept growing, it was getting more then just annoying… eyes closed as his face lowered and Connor tried to catch his breath, tried to organize his thoughts and find his voice again.
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
Having felt like a load had come from her shoulders as she sat there, her eyes had closed briefly, letting uncertain wash over her for a brief moment. But only brief. Although not as sensitive as the feral beside her, she could hear the still his panicked breaths, felt the same feeling in the air though he seemed to calm himself a little at least. She could almost even pick up the racing heart, which was unusual for her. Eyes opened slowly, looking over the lake, though his movement caught the corner of her eye, part watching as he fussed over his clothes. Of course, she wouldn’t know why, but she knew nerves did stupid things to people at times. Feline eyes turned towards him again as he spoke quietly, so much so that she may not have heard properly if not for her enhanced hearing.
"..I guess I don’t like water so much." She nodded slowly, eyes turning back to the water as his thoughts once again seemed in conflict. She could understand his awkwardness regarding the clothing. The morpher wouldn’t want to be sitting half naked beside someone she only really knew the name of either! The fact that her now soaked clothes clung to her only bothered her in the way that they were slightly uncomfy. But the dark material of her top, whilst dark enough to maintain modesty, was thin enough that it would soon dry. Saying that, if she realised that Connor had previously found his own attention there, he may well have ended up abandoned in the lake!
The jeans on the other hand were more annoying, less likely to dry and the water made them heavy as the thick material clung to her. But only part of her mind was on that. The other part was still on state the other was in. Mentally that was. He’d been terrified then, and she would understand that now he might even boarder on embarrassment. Racheal knew how she could maybe help elevate some of it. But it would mean conquering her own fear, the one where she would allow someone a secret she held close to her chest. It would be the second time this week. She’d admitted to Michael that she couldn’t read, and from that had developed what she had to admit would normally be described as a friendship. He had opened up to her a little in response. Never an easy thing to do. But it did help, knowing that everyone had weaknesses. Few or many. They had them.
”Opposite to me then…” She said slowly, eyes fixed on the water again. She loved the water for pleasure. But she hated rain. Though that hadn’t been quite what she meant. She felt her own heart race increase slightly, and she took a slow, claming breath, turning her gaze back to him slowly. ”I’m deathly afraid of fire.” She explained just as slowly, one hand moving to remove the now wet spiked dog collar from her arm, eyes lowering to it as she gently teased the old leather. ”And I mean any kind of fire.. I just can’t stand it..”
She sighed softly, eyes still fixed on the collar, for a moment trapped in her own memories. How old had they been when they got their ‘collars’. 13? It must have been around then she figured. Jake and Racheal. Fighters, survivors. The last of their family as far as they were concerned. The rest consumed in fire. She fought back the slight tremble that nearly found its way through her. ”We all have our fears…” She paused, glancing at him again slowly, her eyes holding a slight calm to them still, though there was an old pain in them. ”At least you know now though. You can be prepared.” She offered him a slow smile, something she was slowly finding easier. She would claim that it was because she was leaving soon and no bonds had to be permanent. In truth? She was finally starting to grow comfortable there with some people. Strange.
"I was wrong, to think that I might belong. But I will never forget what I was... Who I am.. What I did, just to learn that"
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
Eyes closed again, focus on breathing… that’s all he wanted to do right now, just focus on that and see how things go. It wasn’t easy, every day threw a new twist at him, a girlfriend that wasn’t real, a brother that wasn’t real, a family that was… distant… though loyal, definitely loyal. That was nice, and save for Madison, they were all making the extra effort to open up to Chris, though Madi wasn’t trying to terrorize the boy so that alone should be a sign of her goodwill.
”Opposite to me then…” Connor’s face only slightly turned to Racheal’s, his eyes looking over at her, the others gaze lost out on the waters surface before them, which his own followed to watch quietly. Opposite to her? Well… everyone had fears, Connor put fire as what she was on about, fire and water were usually considered opposites… or ice maybe, or… fears were so complicated to understand sometimes, even if they had the most simplest of explanations.
”I’m deathly afraid of fire.” So it was fire, his eyes pulled their gaze from the lake and glanced over to her, letting them settle on her face as she spoke. Such soulful eyes, vibrant green, piercing, yet……there was something about them that was so troubled and intense, deep and full of knowledge. A collar was removed from her arm, drawing Connor’s eyes to it. ”And I mean any kind of fire.. I just can’t stand it..” The strong barriers Racheal put up were pointless with Connor, who saw beyond her mask, listening to the inner workings of her body. She was scared… something had happened to her, the way her heart increased slightly.
”We all have our fears…” The startling blue gaze focused on her eyes as they looked towards him, burned by fire… she was hurt somehow and he wasn’t thinking it was a nasty childhood burn that scared her. ”At least you know now though. You can be prepared.” Connor continued to stare at her, his ears devouring her words yet his mind finding a slight oddity in them. Why? He wasn’t sure… was it because of the tone of her words, the way she assured him, she made so make sense that he felt as if he may never panic in the waters again, because she was right… He could brace himself, prepare and ready, he could build his defences and… She had a pretty smile, sad and just as intense as what he saw in her eyes… so much depth, memories which haunted her, sadness that tainted them…
…A small smile seemed to be returned to her, he wasn’t sure how to continue, and sitting there staring aimlessly hardly seemed like a productive exercise. As usually happened when he had nothing to do and was in thought, Connor’s hand moved to rest against his chest, stroking over the fabric for a moment. They had to have known each other right? She sounded so……calming… she knew about him, she had to, about all his problems, about how people had to talk him through things constantly.
"I wish people would help me be prepared though, there are things they could help me with, things they could tell me that would make so much of this more easier on me." But they didn’t tell him things… not only about his fears, but about other things, like Arisa, how couldn’t his father think of warning Connor that she was blue and fuzzy… her own brother stared at her not only without memories but he really stared. She was beautiful, he wasn’t blinded by her mutations but she was still so different to the rest of them, why, he wanted to know…… now he knew they had different mothers but he couldn’t help but feel he had some how betrayed her just by his eyes holding contact a moment longer then he should have. "You speak to me like my father does.. you have such control in your voice," It was nice to listen to her voice, granted his father had that strength and comfort, but there was something about a woman’s voice that was all the more soothing to hear. There was a slight hesitation but Connor had to ask just how well they knew each other. "..um.. you know my name, so I was wondering.. are we friends?" How humiliating, probably not as much as holding back greeting a sister just so he knew for sure which name belonged to which face, but it was still embarrassing none the less. "It's just I'm still finding it hard to remember old faces... or.. any faces."
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
The smile which came to him, no matter how small, just proved the triumph that he had had, even if it had been with her help. Someone’s whose fears controlled them was about to offer anyone a smile. A smile just showed that they had some control. Not that it had gone, but then she didn’t expect that. Small steps, and so far, each of them successful. Silence fell between them again, not necessarily awkward but not a comfortable one either. Like Connor, the morpher had no clue as to what could be said next except for heading inside. Fortunately, he seemed prepared to break the silence.
"I wish people would help me be prepared though, there are things they could help me with, things they could tell me that would make so much of this more easier on me." Her smile became a little more lopsided as she continued to watch him carefully, nodding slowly. Her knees were drawn up to her chest, resting her arms, crossed, on her knees. There wasn’t really a true response to be offered at that. Sometimes people just didn’t know what had to be said, didn’t know what needed to be heard. That’s how things were. In order for people to help, to understand, they had to know things about you, things you might not be willing to share. Like Michael helping with her reading, where she had allowed him to see one silent secret. Whereas the Exiles were unaware of her deathly fear of fire. If they were then maybe Garnet would have been more understanding of Racheal’s ill-ease.
"You speak to me like my father does.. you have such control in your voice," That was strange to hear. Her gaze broke again from him as she looked other the waters. If it hadn’t been for the addition to the end of the sentence, she would have certainly been wondering whether it was actually a compliment or not. She guessed now that it was, but still, it was an odd one. All she had done was acted like she would have done if it was her brother there. Maybe that was it. There had been a fundamental understanding, a connection to something she could relate to. Even so it was something to puzzle over. And if she had had any knowledge as to who Connor’s father was, then her thoughts may have extended further, even more so if she had actually known Logan at all. But as it was, she was clueless, so her musings remained simple. For now at least.
"..um.. you know my name, so I was wondering.. are we friends?" Almost immediately her shoulders tensed. But not because he didn’t know who she was. What was it with people’s current obsession with friendship? Friendship was were you let someone in, past the barriers, into the secrets. Trusted them. And then what? Then they betrayed you as soon as it benefits them. Even family betrayed each other, she remembered. After all, she had betrayed her own brother. An awkwardness settled on her, fingers still teasing the almost sacred leather in her hands, emerald eyes dropping to it in thought as the feral beside her continued.
"It's just I'm still finding it hard to remember old faces... or.. any faces." That puzzled her. Unlike the majority of the student body, especially those who knew Connor, she only knew that he had been missing, and then been found. She knew noting deeper. As far as she was concerned, the misunderstanding was merely due to poor memory. Not even. Considering the number of situations he seemed to get himself in, he probably wouldn’t even remember that one day, as eventful as it was, well that was her way of thinking anyway.
Her eyes lifted to him again, the smile a little awkward but calm as she puzzled a little at how to answer him. No need for anything but honesty, any maybe this time it would be good to be blunt. ”No… we’re not friends” There was no sign that there was any disappointment in her, nor any pleasure in that simple fact. That’s all it was to her, a fact. The smile remained a little awkward though, as she tried to think of the best way to explain why, how, she knew him. Racheal rested her chin lightly on her crossed arms, still looking at him as she tried her best to form the answer.
”Honestly, I didn’t really expect you to remember me… You introduced me to the institute on my first day. It was a rather.. eventful day. And I’m the sort of person who happily gets lost in the scheme of things” She spoke slowly, trying to organise her thoughts, though she smiled slightly more comfortably as she finished, sitting up properly again. As she had predicted to herself before, already some of the wet, black material was drying, turning back to the faded grey colour it had become long before arriving at the school. Part of her visibly relaxed, but even she wasn’t sure why.
The collar was held solely in one hand, whilst the other ran through her hair, eyes fixed on the water again. There was, once more, a brief pause between them, though it didn’t, at least to Racheal, feel as awkward as before. But then something hit her. Well, brushed against her thoughts really. If he didn’t remember if they were friends, didn’t remember her face, then what was the likelihood of him remembering her name?! Racheal wasn’t one for blushing normally, but there was a light flush to her cheeks as she realised that she had been prepared to let him go on fumbling darkly round for any clues of who she was.
”I’m Racheal..” She said simply, looking back to him, smiling slightly, certainly more relaxed than earlier, almost chuckling at her near foolishness. It was a coping mechanism admittedly, but she didn’t care. It helped to hide the near embarrassment at her own thoughtlessness. She wasn’t about to tell him that she found it easy to ‘rescue’ or talk to him because he did remind her of her lost brother in so many ways. Different as well, but there were similarities, especially in the way they panicked but there was more to it. Even if she wasn’t sure exactly what the ‘more’ was.
"I was wrong, to think that I might belong. But I will never forget what I was... Who I am.. What I did, just to learn that"
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
The way she looked at him, Connor already knew the answer before the words came from her lips, perhaps it was best, it helped prepare himself for the truth. He didn’t seem to have many friends, not like he had hoped, having lived here his whole life, he wanted to think he had made so many more friends. Perhaps he just didn’t get on with people… perhaps they didn’t like what he was, like Sarah, she didn’t like being around him any more now that he had his abilities back.
”No… we’re not friends” It didn’t seem to bother her, there was that same strength of character, that same hidden pain that drove her ever onwards, Connor saw it every day, in the eyes of his sisters, in the mirror, in his father… so many people hurt and their pain so deep, it was heartbreaking to realize that such a thing was so familiar to him. She was honest though, that was something, Connor liked it, despite the blunt force behind her words, there was a truth that was still so refreshing. No sugar coating, no lies no twisted half truths. He was tired of all that, he didn’t want it any more, he didn’t want people to try that sort of thing on him ever again, it had hurt too much when the lies had been ripped apart.
”Honestly, I didn’t really expect you to remember me… You introduced me to the institute on my first day. It was a rather.. eventful day. And I’m the sort of person who happily gets lost in the scheme of things” So she didn’t have faith he’d remember her? Guess he didn’t make a very good impression on her then, Connor liked to think he’d have remembered, he would have honestly, but right now all he had to go by was her words.
Silently Connor turned his eyes back to the late, trying to imagine what could have happened on her first day, assuming he had done something to make it interesting, so far that seemed to be the trend after all. Connor was under no illusions, he was definitely a difficult person to live with, he was fussy at times, and he ate a lot, he liked attention as well, but who didn’t? Still, he had a lot of issues that bothered other people, he could see that… maybe that’s why he didn’t have any friends.
”I’m Racheal..” Racheal! So he didn’t have to ask a name, that was good, he was getting worried for a moment, he hated pushing people for information they sometimes just expected him to know, even if they knew he didn’t remember things. She was calming down herself now, tension eased from her and in turn helped offer some comfort to Connor knowing she wasn’t stressed around him. Returning her smile, he replied with a slight air of amusement.
"Heh.. it's a pleasure to meet you again Racheal." She seemed nice, and quiet… he liked that, her voice was quiet, her presence, it was intense, but quiet…he didn’t feel awkward either, not like he did with Trade when she was over and his father was introducing them. The silence was really awkward… but Connor didn’t mind the occasional silence with her, it seemed ok, as if nothing could go wrong and if it did then she’d have the strength to sort it out. "I’m sure I would have remembered you Racheal, I know I have a good memory.. which is odd I guess considering I don’t remember anything, but there are things I do remember.. like I know I enjoy books, but I’m too restless to read for long stretches of time." There was a brief pause as he thought for a moment, "I guess you didn’t know I lost all my memories, you looked surprised.. I think only the faculty was told originally and then only a few students found our on Friday… Monday will be the day everyone knows, not sure if I’m looking forward to classes." Maybe they had classes together? No… she had said he wouldn’t remember her, so obviously they hadn’t seen each other since her arrival. "We’re not in the same classes?" It was a question, but one he already assumed to know considering her earlier remarks, still, didn’t hurt to ask, maybe there was a friendly face in the horde of strangers he was going to meet on the coming school day.
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
"Heh.. it's a pleasure to meet you again Racheal." There was a humour to his voice that she had expected, and she couldn’t help but smile more comfortably in response. Generally, she had grown a dislike for company a lot of the time, especially in this ‘her’ time. But it wasn’t so bad with Connor. She suspected that there were others she could happily spend more time with, but to her this time was almost sacred. But it didn’t seem to be an infringement of that with the other feral. Maybe it was because he was so much like her own brother, or maybe it was because there was an unspoken understanding. It didn’t matter really.
”I’m sure I would have remembered you Racheal, I know I have a good memory.. which is odd I guess considering I don’t remember anything, but there are things I do remember.. like I know I enjoy books, but I’m too restless to read for long stretches of time." That puzzled her a bit. She could easily expect people to forget her. She had spent half her life trying to go unnoticed. But it was more than that. He had a good memory but remembered nothing. At all? No, he remembered a few things it seemed. Still, it a was a little puzzle in her mind. Maybe she should have smiled. She had spent the entirety of her first day trying to put a jigsaw together and now was no different it seemed.
"I guess you didn’t know I lost all my memories, you looked surprised.. I think only the faculty was told originally and then only a few students found our on Friday… Monday will be the day everyone knows, not sure if I’m looking forward to classes." Woah. Wait a moment. He’d lost all his memories? As in all… not just her but. Shit. That was beyond harsh. Again there was a brief flicker of surprise. She nodded slowly though in understanding about the latter half. That made sense, that only the teachers and some students – friends she assumed – would find out. But the school was a grapevine. All it took was for an over heard comment and the entire of the school would know by Monday. Half them probably knew already. The news would have skipped her maybe for a week. It would depend on the Exiles really, or on the few other people she spoke to.
But to loose all you memories. Racheal’s eyes turned back to the water in thought. She understood now why he wouldn’t look forward to classes. All those people who knew him but he didn’t even recognise. All those whispers. The morpher had never been the basis for rumours as far as she was aware. But that didn’t mean she had heard them as she walked through the school, the quite whispers to friends. But it would be worse for Connor. She knew of his sensitive hearing. He would pick up every word.
"We’re not in the same classes?" From his tone, she knew he already knew the answer. Though only half of it. Maybe if she hadn’t skipped classes she was supposedly meant to attend then they would have been in the same class for some subjects. But no, she wasn’t in his nor anyone else’s classes. Her head shook slowly, offering a quiet smile as she looked back at him, understanding still in her eyes, understanding the need to see a friendly face ”No..” She kept it simply, though for a moment it seemed that she might continue, might say more. But Racheal let the moment go.
The hand holding the collar continued to tease the old leather softly between her fingertips in thought. The tips of her long hair clung together, and to her back slightly from where it had gotten a little wet. Her chin rested softly on her arms again in thought, feline eyes half closed and fixed on the water as they sat there.
”Your right of course… I didn’t know” She spoke softly, turning her head so it was still rested on her arms as she looked at him again. There was no pity in her huntress eyes. Sympathy maybe, but not pity. It was a fine line she rarely crossed. Pity was degrading, as far as she was concerned. Nobody deserved that. ”I mean, I knew something had happened, that you’d gone and then I heard you’d returned, but nothing more that” She nodded very slightly as if to support her own words almost thoughtfully, before offering him a slight smile. ”I’m the last person to find out news generally..” She managed to joke very carefully, knowing that it would be a tender subject.
”To not remember…” She paused, turning her eyes away to the water slightly. She remembered her twin, remembered so much about him. But the rest of her family? She remembered her eldest brother in her dreams, remembered her parents love. But nothing more. The fire had caused a psychological wall, blocking the majority of her memories. ”… I can only imagine what it is to loose memories of everything. But you still have your family. Your sisters.” She remembered the photo he had shown her, courtesy of Angela at her first breakfast at the institute. She remembered the pride in his voice as he’d spoken about them. Strange, she realised, that she could remember so much about that one day, like she could remember the details of the last week.
”And to have family.. that is something. Something that maybe you can rebuild your memories on. And I am sure they’ll help as best as they can” There was a plain honesty to her voice as she spoke with a slow smile. She didn’t have that. She couldn’t rebuild the memories of her parents, or of her older brother. ”You’re not alone in the world Connor. As long as you remember that, you have something” Inwardly, part of her chuckled sadly. When had she become so ‘wise’ so full of advice? Her. Who had betrayed her own blood. But that was inwardly, and she smiled at him still, as she once more turned her eyes to the water. She wanted to distract her thoughts. To her clothes, which still clung to her, the jeans weight uncomfortable. Or to the soft wind the breezed gently past them, to the sounds it created through the leaves, or maybe to the light that played in the water. But no, her thoughts were on family now. She didn’t begrudge Connor for having his. She just wished she could at least remember the faces of her parents.
"I was wrong, to think that I might belong. But I will never forget what I was... Who I am.. What I did, just to learn that"
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
No one would ever want it to be obvious, but perhaps it was too much so that caused Connor to feel shyer after having asked. It was like a lifeline in many ways, it would have offered him some strength to say he would recognize a friend, but he couldn’t say it, he sometimes felt so tense and stressed by everything he just wanted to scream out angrily that he’ll never remember anything! The way they looked at him, the way the hope seemed to dwindle just that little bit more each time Connor drew yet another blank on another thing they half hoped he would remember.
”No..” Right, well… no fuss there, he should have expected it really, nothing seemed ot be going his way this week… Ok, being at the school seemed one step in the right direction at least, the fact that people knew him here, even if just vaguely, it made him more assured and more comfortable then Connor had ever been at Amlarie’s. Memories seemed to have survived here, survived where his own had failed him, but a part of him still lingered here, like a restless spirit, refusing to move on, lurking the halls and all within, calling out for him… for him to remember. Everyone had memories, Connor could see with a jealous envy, even now, as the girls eyes caressed the old leather of the collar in her hand, she was remembering something, big, small, he wasn’t entirely sure, it seemed important to her, the way she looked at it.. the way she held it. How would she feel if the importance of it was taken from her? It’d lose all value, she’d no sooner look at the wretched thing then he’d look at a pile of rotting waste.
”Your right of course… I didn’t know” For a moment Connor was at a loss as to what she meant, his mind so rushed with his worries and frustration, it took a moment before he realized she was replying to a question he had asked of her. ”I mean, I knew something had happened, that you’d gone and then I heard you’d returned, but nothing more that” By the sounds of it they barely even knew each other so she shouldn’t really be expected to know diddly about him. At least she attempted to show there was something she had been aware of, instead of shrugging off the whole thing as if he was hardly important enough to her for Racheal to run in circles finding out all the updates possible regarding him and his bizarre life.
”I’m the last person to find out news generally..” There was barely a dry chuckle that managed to come though, he felt himself tense, weighing the possibility of ‘will she start joking or will she remain sensible?’ in his mind while diverting his eyes from her over to the lake. He didn’t mind trying to lighten the mood up, but he’d spaz for sure if someone tried to make light humour off the fact he can’t remember anything. Looking back at her had almost drained him it seemed from the effort of will he needed to remain as calm and level as possible. Not everyone could take the idea seriously… not everyone could have a chance of understanding.
”To not remember…” Here it comes… will she want him to explain it to her now? To draw it out in every bit of perfectly thought detail, string together all his pain and angst into a few worthless words that barely touched the magnitude of how he felt. How dare she! How dare all of them! While some toyed with his life and everything in it, others toyed with him and all he has gone through or is currently going through, they were merciless, vile and heartless and it boiled Connor’s blood to be faced with such impudence. They couldn’t well enough leave it be, they couldn’t let him deal with the things daily life through at him, they had to add more to his pile, had to look at him as if they saw nothing but a boy who’d let himself get walked over repeatedly, who’s life caused more upsets then smiles, pity and an overload of sympathy! He couldn’t take their looks, he couldn’t bare to stare at them and their damn expressions, their words so sweetly coated Connor felt his stomach churn.
”… I can only imagine what it is to loose memories of everything. But you still have your family. Your sisters.” He couldn’t remember them! It was so hard… Connor’s knees were pulled towards his stomach, his arms wrapping about them though they didn’t settle, one quickly went to rest its elbow on his knee and then support his head while he leaned it into his palm and looked at her. She was trying to imagine what it’d be like for him and that helped him calm a little but he was so confused and sometimes feeling as if he stood an inch from the ledge… He wasn’t sure what to do any more, all he could do was just carry on and hope things return, if not then he had to deal with it but he wasn’t sure he could cope with it! He wasn’t coping now, and he tried so hard for his father and his family and he wanted to please them so much but it was all crumbling apart and he wasn’t sure he could keep up this façade of strength he’s been holding all week.
”And to have family.. that is something. Something that maybe you can rebuild your memories on. And I am sure they’ll help as best as they can” Connor’s posture straightened, his knees falling sideways to allow him now to sit cross-legged and his hands sliding along his legs and coming to settle on his thighs, slowly trailing closer to his knees as his bright gaze seemed to soften slightly on her. ”You’re not alone in the world Connor. As long as you remember that, you have something” Nimble hands moved to draw the dry clothes more securely against him, it wasn’t like he was accustomed to sitting around half naked, even if he was in swimmers he was far from comfortable right now. There was a slight ‘hmm’ heard, a thought, sounding as if it were in agreement but looking more distracted on his shirt once again.
"We all have *something*.." Connor tried to reason, because family could come and go and he didn’t want to believe that all that was dear relied solely on that card. ".. it’s just sometimes we want more, or maybe we don’t realize what we do have. A week ago I didn’t have a family, and I’d have given anything to meet a relative, any relative. Now I have that, I have my sisters and my father… and Chris, he’s staying with us right now too, an adopted little brother I guess he is." Connor felt insecure talking, more because he wasn’t sure what he was saying, did it even make any sense? Was there any point to it? "It’s more then feeling alone.. it’s like I’ve betrayed everyone, anyone who cared about me ever, they all want me to look at them and say ‘I remember you’, but I can’t. At every turn my father holds his breath and hopes something will click, and it doesn’t, and I feel the disappointment he suffers." The rigid back began to slouch in a feel of helplessness… his hands distracting themselves eventually to tug the socks onto his feet, slipping them then into the awaiting shoes before he crossed them once again, a sadness to his words as he admitted to the girl who troubled him the most. "I’m so problematic, sometimes I feel it’s such a burden on them just to know me, I don’t know if I’m worth their effort." He’d leave, if things got worse, maybe anyway… he thought about it, it had been his safety net, to return to Amlarie as soon as things got out of hand. He was feeling so bad half the time, his guilt made it near impossible to relax and made him even more stressed.
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
Inwardly, she was starting to frown, her heart sinking as she watched his reactions to her words. She was trying to help but he seemed to be either taking it badly or her words were invoking feelings she had never intended.~See!~ Came the ever spiteful inner voice, the one which regularly degraded her. ~You’re useless at helping people. You failed everything so far. Now this as well. This is why we’re leaving~ Racheal would, quite regularly, speak to herself in third person. Three years on your own, you needed someone to talk to and it wasn’t easy to break the habit. Besides, it seemed to keep her safe. It was that little voice which would warn of her the possible dangers of a situation, and she would then have a chance to weigh her options at least.
"We all have *something*.." The slightest nod was offered in response. She had her memories. The photos. That was all. He had more, she could see that. Of course, what he meant made more sense as the other feral continued. ".. it’s just sometimes we want more, or maybe we don’t realize what we do have. A week ago I didn’t have a family, and I’d have given anything to meet a relative, any relative. Now I have that, I have my sisters and my father… and Chris, he’s staying with us right now too, an adopted little brother I guess he is."
That was true. The world wanted more. That was why there was suffering, pain. People could never be content with what they had. Sometimes it was something small, sometimes something major. But there was always something. Slowly, she laid the collar to one side to allow the leather to dry on it’s own. Abandoned but never forgotten. She listened carefully to him. Family. She wondered if he failed to realise how precious that single thing was. No… he knew. She could hear it in his voice, knew it from the want he had described. He had had a day when he remembered no family, had no one there. She could understand that at least, the loneliness.
"It’s more then feeling alone.. it’s like I’ve betrayed everyone, anyone who cared about me ever, they all want me to look at them and say ‘I remember you’, but I can’t. At every turn my father holds his breath and hopes something will click, and it doesn’t, and I feel the disappointment he suffers."
She shook her head slowly as she looked at him, though her eyes showed a soft sympathy. No, he hadn’t betrayed them. She would tell him that. Disappointed, maybe. But not betrayed. And even that disappointment wasn’t his fault. Had he asked for this? Had he gone out of his way to hurt them? From the sounds of it, no. She couldn’t imagine him ever doing anything to hurt his sisters.
Surprisingly, for her anyway, it took a lot of effort for Racheal to remain calm. Words could stir memories so easily. Family. Betrayal. Her eyes drifted slowly to the water in thought for a moment as she trapped her own emotions in her heart. This was not her time, not her break down. She couldn’t breakdown. That would show a deep weakness that she couldn’t afford to show. Was she being hypocritical? Probably. But that didn’t stop her. She would suggest giving into help that she would never accept. It was the only answer she knew.
"I’m so problematic, sometimes I feel it’s such a burden on them just to know me, I don’t know if I’m worth their effort." Soft feline eyes turned back to him as he spoke, eyebrows raising slightly at his words. It was true that, within the last week and a half, if not longer, he seemed to be the centre of a lot of the activities. From the rescue mission to the disappearance on the training islands. Part of her, on a different scale and for different reasons, knew where he was coming from. After all, that was why she was leaving. She was a burden to the school, using up their facilities but doing nothing more than trying to avoid her team mates or sitting in the sun.
Eyes closed for a moment in thought, knees still pulled up to her chest. One hand ran through her hair as she sighed softly, resting the elbow of that arm on her knee as she found herself lost in thought for a few moments. How could she help? Explain? Honestly, Feral wasn’t sure. This wasn’t her field of expertise, nor could she tell of good things he’d done in the past, merely because she wasn’t sure what they were. And what should she address first? Maybe, somehow, she could do it together. It seemed the best option. Racheal just prayed she could.
Huntress eyes opened slowly, looking over the waters again, an audible sigh leaving her again, though it wasn’t one of despair or frustration, but one to calm her own heart. Slowly, her eyes turned back to him, not exactly pools of calm, but their depths showing an attempt to understand, an attempt to help. And the feeling of failure within her.
”Connor… if your not worth the effort, they wouldn’t try. Maybe if I knew you better I could point out what you’ve done for the school, or even just for your sisters, who, as rumours go, get into no less scrapes than you. But I don’t. I don’t have a reason for why they would help you so much par one. They love you” It seemed like such a simple answer. But it wasn’t, and she knew it. Her eyes left him again to look over what, for her, was the calming water, her eyes half closing in thought.
”Love can pull through a lot. I’ve seen it. It can pull broken souls through death, can hold together through the thickest dangers and even the most annoying siblings..” She paused, wondering if she should go there. She wanted to close down, to say no more. But at the same time, she needed to explain to him. ”And, I pray and believe, it can see through even the darkest of betrayals. But Connor..” Her eyes turned back to him, her gaze quieter now. ”You don’t betray them, haven’t betrayed them. Betrayal is deliberate; an act that you know will hurt them in someway. But that’s not what you’re doing. This isn’t your fault, no one would ask for this. It isn’t you that’s betraying them. It’s circumstances outside your control”
Again, her eyes turned from him; though this time she was looking at her bared toes, focused on them like it was the only thing holding her together. This wasn’t easy to try and explain, to offer advice on. More so because she understood, to a degree, what he meant. Part of her wanted to give her own example of betrayal. But she wasn’t ready for that, not yet. Not unless he needed to hear it. Not unless she broke down herself. Instead, she tried to get her mind to address the issue at hand.
”Perhaps..” She continued slowly, thoughtfully, ”Perhaps we sometimes need to give into the help offered to us, instead of fighting for our solitary existence. Maybe we want so badly to be independent, to not have to rely on others that we turn away from our own salvation.” She smiled weakly then at him, her voice soft still. ”Because that’s harder isn’t it? Admitting we have a problem and accepting help, rather than ignoring it and trying to fight on our own.”
Slowly, a frown worked it’s way across her face, and she forced herself to turn away, tensing slightly. There it was again, that voice. Reminding her how hypocritical she was being. Accepting help? Feral didn’t do that. Except she had, twice, she reminded herself. Forefinger and thumb rubbed her temple softly, a feeling of awkwardness flooding over her.
”Sorry… I’m probably not the best person to talk to. I’m not good at this… and I’m listening to myself and hearing a hypocrite. Accepting help isn’t a strong point with me either… Nor is not blaming myself for things I have, or had, no control over” Great. That didn’t sound good did it? Now he would probably think her the biggest hypocrite, here, trying to offer advice when she wouldn’t even take it herself! Brilliant help she was really. Even if she’d kept that to herself maybe things would have been better. But no, she had to show than sign of weakness. But then, maybe she could use that.
Her brow furrowed slowly, sighing again, eyes fixing on the water as she collected her thoughts. Not Jake, not yet. No, she had to start earlier than that, to something she really shouldn’t blame herself for. The fire. She hadn’t told anyone about her past really, not after the no relatives, no schooling, no home address side of things. She let people use their imaginations from there in. And even then, few people had heard even that much. It was on her school records of course, but that was about it. She bit her lip slightly as she sat there. Where to start. Once she had started, the feral knew it would just come to her.
”Everyone blames themselves for something that they can’t control. Wishes that they could change something that happened to them…” She paused, her eyes remaining on the water, needing that detachment, not something major, but enough for her to keep her nerves about her. Her tone was soft, quiet, lost in thought almost. ”But we can’t. And living with that knowledge can be the hardest thing in the world.”
”Of course, your right Connor, everyone has something. My everything is my memories. You see, here, you have family, friends. You can’t remember them, but they are here, people who care for you, a place you can be save and accepted. I don’t have that. I live for my memories alone, in the vain hope their wrong, or that maybe, at some point, I can do something to put right everything that’s gone wrong..”
She took a slow, deep breath, risking a short glance at him. She wanted him to realise, in a round about way, that he wasn’t alone. That he wasn’t the only troubled soul out there. A smile briefly crossed her face as she looked over the water, a memory coming to mind.
”I was five years old. Strange, how some things just stay there when the rest fades to pieces. I remember the swing set. Father had brought it for our birthday. I remember that. But not my father, nor my mother. I have a photo, but.. I can’t see them in my mind. But I remember the swings..” She paused again, letting her words carry herself off to another place, eyes closing.
”Afterwards, we never spoke of it. No one here knows of it. Not the details. Who could I ever tell? Jake and myself kept it our secret for so many years. And we never even spoke to each other about it. I was too scared, and he was too stubborn.” She paused again, looking towards Connor. Racheal couldn’t help but spot the subtle similarities between this feral and her twin. She supposed that’s how it would be though. ”Jake was my twin brother. He was all I had for many years” She explained slowly, somehow keeping the pain from her voice.
”But that was later. I was nearly 6 actually, when it happened. How a six year old can place the blame on herself so strongly I’m not sure. But I did. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, Jake screaming in the bed beside mine. The air smelt.. strange. Like when mother burnt the dinner a couple of times. But it was thicker, and it was difficult to breathe. I didn’t know what fire was as such. Not past the little one we had inside. Jake said he woke at an explosion, and that it wasn’t him screaming that woke me. I don’t remember that much. What I remember is Tom”
”Tom.. he was my older brother. Then, as far as I was concerned, he was the biggest, strongest person I knew. After father of course. He saved our lives that night, mine and Jake’s. He came into the room, picked us up and ran for the exit. We could hear mother and father screaming, but we didn’t know where they were…”
Her brow furrowed again as she paused. It wasn’t that she was emotionless in her telling of the tale. But wasn’t trying to make this about her. And no matter how much distress it caused her, she was going to try and do this without bring the attention to her specifically, but keeping the goal on the story and the meaning she meant as she told it. Even so, Racheal was finding it difficult in that moment to keep herself stable, and it took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself.
”We made it to the kitchen when Tom fell. The shock of hitting the ground and the smoke caused me to black out for a few moments. Jake was shaking me when I woke. The first thing I saw though was Tom. His eyes were still open. He was still breathing, barely. But he wouldn’t move. I tried all I could think of but he wouldn’t move. In the end, Jake dragged me outside. We hid at the back of the garden till we had the strength to run. But not before we watched the entire house burn up. With them inside. Tom, Mother, Father.”
“We prayed mother and father had made it out. But we were never found. So there was only one answer, that, like Tom, they had never escaped the fire.” She stopped then, lowering her head, closing her eyes again in thought. She had said more than she meant, and maybe not that clearly. Had she meant to really say anything at all? This memory… It wasn’t like the one Michael had shared with her, a happy memory of his childhood. It was dark, hidden in her heart from the world. But she had dared to show it to him.
”We lived on the streets from then on. But the fire never left us. Not really..” She looked at Connor now, the fight inside her to remain calm hidden in her eyes, half closed. ”Jake… Jake was very, I don’t know. Not independent, but he was a lone wolf. And he hated the idea of anything being his responsibility. And human nature needs a scape goat.” She sighed softly, shaking her head. ”I was six years old. I still blame myself for that fire. For Tom especially. I know I shouldn’t.. it’s beyond my control. What I do know is that I never betrayed them. Because in my heart I still loved them, and I never meant any harm to come to them.”
She frowned again slightly, uneasy for a moment. ”That doesn’t make much sense I suppose… I didn’t mean it as a sob story. I guess… I suppose I was just trying to explain that you don’t have to blame yourself for this. And the people who love you, your family and friends.. their important to you. Maybe your mind can’t recognise them yet. But maybe your heart can” She said slowly, simply, trying a soft smile. But the memories were haunting her now. And she rested her head softly on the arms which folded over her knees, watching him, though she didn’t fix her gaze on him, an uncertainty befalling the feral mutant.
"I was wrong, to think that I might belong. But I will never forget what I was... Who I am.. What I did, just to learn that"
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
There was a silence, not at all awkward but heavy, thick with unspoken thoughts, Racheal adjusted her legs and appeared to shift into a more comfortable position, Connor remained still, drawing in comfort by the fact there was a moment of quiet… a moment to recollect and think over what was said, or to be said. Bright eyes slid closed, senses flared in the calm, so strongly they had now become though sometimes he could get distracted enough to not be as powerfully effected as he had grown to be. However scents flowed, tickling his sensitive nose, picking up the different smells, the odours in the air and the unique scents coming from Racheal, her clothes… the pier they sat upon, the water…an undeniable stench of algae blended in with all of it. The soft hum of nightlife, a choir of distant frogs, crickets, nocturnal melodies that were familiar, and yet not… not in the details he heard, he couldn’t remember it… was it always so loud?
Another sound swept by his delicate hearing like the roar of a hissing snake as Racheal sighed, softly and nothing about it sounded aggravated, it was more thoughtful, struggling, putting piecing of a puzzle slowly into place and still not having a clue on what the picture represented. His eyes opened, taking in the gentle motions of the near still watery body before them, feeling the gaze of the other fall on him as she turned her attention towards Connor.
”Connor… if your not worth the effort, they wouldn’t try. Maybe if I knew you better I could point out what you’ve done for the school, or even just for your sisters, who, as rumours go, get into no less scrapes than you. But I don’t. I don’t have a reason for why they would help you so much par one. They love you” In the end, wasn’t that what hurt the most? Were they doing it for no other cause then they felt him worth the effort because of the fact he was their sibling, the son, their family… They hadn’t chosen him and yet they were stuck with him, and with all the issues which he dragged along behind him with every step. But in similar contrast, how lucky was he? How precious were family and friends that would act like that for him, cherish him in such a way… the guilt he felt for putting them through this was intense, yet he’d never found himself able to tell them that…
”Love can pull through a lot. I’ve seen it. It can pull broken souls through death, can hold together through the thickest dangers and even the most annoying siblings..” Was he the annoying sibling? It was somewhat amusing and yet… it was sad at the same time, he agreed so passionately, he’d do anything for his family, he was sure of it, they were all so … unique… so invaluable… They deserved so more than what he was offering in return and that was more painful to him than any physical wound he could suffer. ”And, I pray and believe, it can see through even the darkest of betrayals. But Connor..” The iridescent blue eyes caressed the water before him, the image of him, as a child, as another, one who Logan says was him, honestly Connor couldn’t see a face, or hear a voice, but there was a presence there, an assurance, a safety… Racheal’s face turned towards him once again and this time Connor let his own gaze slip across to look back at her, showing that he was listening, that these words so precious to him were actually being listened to, that she wasn’t struggling so hard to speak to him for no reason.
”You don’t betray them, haven’t betrayed them. Betrayal is deliberate; an act that you know will hurt them in someway. But that’s not what you’re doing. This isn’t your fault, no one would ask for this. It isn’t you that’s betraying them. It’s circumstances outside your control” Everything seemed out of his control right now, his memories, his life, his dreams, wants, anything that seemed relatively normal seemed so hard to get a grip on and get a clear understanding about. As the emerald gaze left his he too looked away, letting them wander more thoughtfully off to the distance horizon, or what could be seen of it, and then gradually return to her face, letting them absorb it’s features, the curves, the shape, the scent, all etching its way into his memories. Not that that did any good… he closed them, being constantly dispirited about this wasn’t helping, it was just hindering and in the long run doing exactly what he didn’t want to do, and that was hurt his family.
”Perhaps..” Connor could hear it in her voice, the struggle.. the past pain, looks like his family weren’t the only ones he was burdening, Racheal said she didn’t even know him though, was that worse? Or was he just that lucky… to have so many people care enough to put time aside for him…”Perhaps we sometimes need to give into the help offered to us, instead of fighting for our solitary existence. Maybe we want so badly to be independent, to not have to rely on others that we turn away from our own salvation.” How many people would say that?Not many… only someone who thrived off isolation as much as Logan’s bloodline tended to do. The comment drew his eyes to her, their gaze filled with a grateful… need? It didn’t make sense but that’s what it felt like, he needed to hear what she was saying and he felt grateful that she was saying it despite how hard it appeared to be for her. ”Because that’s harder isn’t it? Admitting we have a problem and accepting help, rather than ignoring it and trying to fight on our own.” It was true… even when he did accept help there was always a *reason*… he had to rationalize it enough to make it seem not so bad, not so needy… Even as Racheal looked away Connor kept his eyes on the side of her face, a sympathy swelling inside and aimed for her though… he couldn’t be sure why. She wasn’t pleased with this topic and that much was certain and it had to have been stirring ghosts of some kind by her reactions… both the emotional and the physical ones.
”Sorry… I’m probably not the best person to talk to. I’m not good at this… and I’m listening to myself and hearing a hypocrite. Accepting help isn’t a strong point with me either… Nor is not blaming myself for things I have, or had, no control over” It was easy to tell she was beating herself up over this but at the same time Connor found himself almost drawn to her more because of this admission. Everyone was like that though… at least to a degree, some were more willing then others to accept but not everyone really enjoyed getting help… well… maybe there were some out there that did, but it was usually in a pathetic sense was just too shameful for people to look at them in face.
”Everyone blames themselves for something that they can’t control. Wishes that they could change something that happened to them…” Silence was offered for Racheal, showing he listened and showing as best he could that he tried to take her words to heart, even if it were merely because of the thoughtful look in the depths of his shimmering eyes. ”But we can’t. And living with that knowledge can be the hardest thing in the world.” Eyes shifted from the girl to the water and anywhere else that seemed to catch his acute gaze, wondering what memories were coated by the words which she uttered, and if he should stop her from continuing or allow her… Which would be better for Racheal in the long run? She continued however, and Connor silently allowed her that privilege, showing her the respect she deserved for opening up by looking back at her and keeping his gaze and thoughts from drifting off.
”Of course, your right Connor, everyone has something. My everything is my memories. You see, here, you have family, friends. You can’t remember them, but they are here, people who care for you, a place you can be save and accepted. I don’t have that. I live for my memories alone, in the vain hope their wrong, or that maybe, at some point, I can do something to put right everything that’s gone wrong..” So much pain concealed so desperately behind those words, Connor ached to say things to help her, to patch up her own wounds and let her be on her way. His eyes slid across to her catching a smile, sad yet there and that was more then Connor could say he’s had for the last few hours. Connor always liked the nighttime, the way the shadows played about, the silvery touch of the moon, he always felt more comfortable… he was safer, always safer, he could see better, run faster, the night was no obstacle as it was for so many others. The way her eyes peered over things, the comfort she held, despite all things it was obvious the growing dark wasn’t getting to her.. Connor wondered if there were any better then her who could have come, she may not think she was doing a decent job, but Connor had a different opinion, and he was grateful… even if she seemed to be putting herself through a less then pleasant time in order to help him sort out his own thoughts.
”I was five years old. Strange, how some things just stay there when the rest fades to pieces. I remember the swing set. Father had brought it for our birthday. I remember that. But not my father, nor my mother. I have a photo, but.. I can’t see them in my mind. But I remember the swings..” It was like the moon’s reflection in the water, the one in Connor’s memory, the one where he remembered the moon, the reflection, the water, wading into the cool liquid.. and then… then the figure which lifted him up, he was too small to reach the reflection, Logan had to carry him there, but that’s what made it all the more fun. Him. The shoulders. The freedom of the night. Connor could almost feel what he had felt back then, he wanted to feel it again, the security, the sureness… the freedom. Someone else having the same vague yet important memory was something which Connor clung to, his mind reaching out to listen as well, to try and form the picture she described, to remember it, to imagine what it’d have been like to be in her place.
”Afterwards, we never spoke of it. No one here knows of it. Not the details. Who could I ever tell? Jake and myself kept it our secret for so many years. And we never even spoke to each other about it. I was too scared, and he was too stubborn.” Confusion. Secret? The swings? Or the photo? Neither made sense, she sounded so… so… Emerald eyes looked across at him and their depths screamed out the hidden pain which threatened to strangle her voice. ”Jake was my twin brother. He was all I had for many years” Jake… the name from before, Connor listened carefully, putting the name to memory, yet listening still, refusing to look away, refusing to even hint that for a moment his attention may be diverted. Connor may have never been the most social person, but the one gift he did have was listening… he could listen for hours, he could sit and hear the same story retold a thousand ways, just as long as it seemed important for the speaker to say it. Like Riley, when he spoke of his family, never with the dislike he spoke of his ‘foster’ family, not that Connor ever really discovered who his foster family was… but it never had the wistful tone as when the family from Iowa was spoken of. So few memories seemed to be recalled and yet the ones which were each seemed to be remembered with near perfection. And Angela Hughes, her tales of hurt from her childhood… Dawn Summers lost sister, Arlen’s over protective father, Heath’s life as nothing but a pushed around stable boy who rose to fame as a jousting knight!
Yes… listening was what Connor did best, even if now he didn’t remember all that was told him, it was still there, locked away, and he was still him, still the listener, still the silent friend that could be there without criticism if that’s what someone needed… because sometimes that’s what people really needed the most. An ear. A silent ear… one that would listen and no matter what was said wouldn’t reply with pity, remorse or opinions. However what was to follow in Racheal’s tale drew a silence more of shock, surprise and… helplessness.
”But that was later. I was nearly 6 actually, when it happened. How a six year old can place the blame on herself so strongly I’m not sure. But I did. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, Jake screaming in the bed beside mine. The air smelt.. strange. Like when mother burnt the dinner a couple of times. But it was thicker, and it was difficult to breathe. I didn’t know what fire was as such. Not past the little one we had inside. Jake said he woke at an explosion, and that it wasn’t him screaming that woke me. I don’t remember that much. What I remember is Tom” The image played in his mind, the flickering flames, the fear, the dread, the images, speeding together, trying to play out what it was she told him. Connor tensed as he watched her lips, hearing and seeing the words which slipped from their graces… it were these sorts of memories he’d dread recalling. Like the death of his mother, how he felt… what he went through, Connor feared recalling such things and yet it was a part of him and a part he still wanted to explore even if it hurt to do so.
The pain of her loss was unbearable, the fact she was so close to them and yet… if only she could open her eyes, if only she could see them there, their father, if she’d only have taken on his healing factor, she’d still be alive! Those mutant haters, the Friends of humanity, Connor never forgave them, he was never out right hateful but when mutant haters came up his always got angrier and more sensitive then people were prepared for. He hated them. He hated everything at one point, he hated his mother for dying, he hated Hank for not saving her, he hated his father for not being there with her, he hated his sisters for having to pretend to be strong for them. He hated everything. Perhaps that’s when things really got strained with Connor and his father, while Connor gradually moved on, he still had residue of his anger and at every wrong step Connor made sure to throw it all back at his dad. Was it revenge? Even Connor didn’t know, he didn’t think about it, he was just angry… angry and alone. Connor may not remember it… but he still feels it haunting him sometimes, he can see how lonely he is, despite being in a large school, and yet, hearing Racheal speak, he realized there were people so far worse then he… If only he could offer her the stability and hope his family gave him… if only he could do something other then listen… yet as always, it seemed that’s all he could do.
”Tom.. he was my older brother. Then, as far as I was concerned, he was the biggest, strongest person I knew. After father of course. He saved our lives that night, mine and Jake’s. He came into the room, picked us up and ran for the exit. We could hear mother and father screaming, but we didn’t know where they were…” Screaming? He couldn’t dare picture it, though unwilling the images came, his father, his mother, not that he knew what her voice sounded like… His sisters, he was the biggest wasn’t he? He would have been Tom… he would have had to have been the one to get them out. The image was unpleasant, yet undeniable that he would do what he had to do protect them. Racheal seemed… distant… Connor could understand that, he didn’t want to, but he could… It helped when things hurt to much, it didn’t make them better, or less painful, but it did help. As long as the memories were pushed far enough, deep enough, then they couldn’t hurt as much.. right? That’s what everyone hoped… it wasn’t until you started trying to talk about it that all the emotions come flooding back, the pain rears its ugly head and reminds you it never really left. No matter how long you keep it buried and unresolved, it’ll always linger, it’ll always be there to haunt the deepest corners of your memories. And it was obvious that for Racheal, this was no exception.
”We made it to the kitchen when Tom fell. The shock of hitting the ground and the smoke caused me to black out for a few moments. Jake was shaking me when I woke. The first thing I saw though was Tom. His eyes were still open. He was still breathing, barely. But he wouldn’t move. I tried all I could think of but he wouldn’t move. In the end, Jake dragged me outside. We hid at the back of the garden till we had the strength to run. But not before we watched the entire house burn up. With them inside. Tom, Mother, Father.” Watched them die? Connor felt his insides churn at the thought, he would be furious, he’d not deal with it at all, his temper swelled almost from the very thought of watching it happen. Being so helpless, so small, he’d not have ever lived it down!
“We prayed mother and father had made it out. But we were never found. So there was only one answer, that, like Tom, they had never escaped the fire.” Connor closed his eyes, it was too painful, for her, for him, another broken family, here he was on about how he felt his family was giving him too much and yet here she was without a family at all. It really put things into prospective… The world was cruel, but sometimes only as cruel as you let it be, there were bad things and good things and some times the bad outweighed the good but still… if you just held on tight enough surely the good was worth more in the end, it had to be… for both of them it seemed their happiness depended on what they made of the goodness given to them.
”We lived on the streets from then on. But the fire never left us. Not really..” There wasn’t sympathy, or any sort of pity really, just an understanding of pain, the rest would follow when he was alone, when he could think about it and not burden her with reactions she’d most likely not care to receive. ”Jake… Jake was very, I don’t know. Not independent, but he was a lone wolf. And he hated the idea of anything being his responsibility. And human nature needs a scape goat.” Connor couldn’t help but frown, trying to understand what she was saying.. what was she saying? Her brother blamed her for it? How could a brother do that? They were family, they shouldn’t blame the other, they should be there, fight for each other, they should do what no one else would be prepared to do!! Just as Tom had done… Tom was a true brother, he was what brothers should be like… selfless, strong, protect the others, defend them, save them, that is what the eldest had to do and yet that didn’t mean the others had no hand in keeping the strength of the family strong. They all had to work for their place in the group, blood was only so thick and Connor could see in the way his sisters looked at him and spoke to him that they’d not let any get between them and their brother… though they were strong and wouldn’t let him get between them and what they desired the most either. ”I was six years old. I still blame myself for that fire. For Tom especially. I know I shouldn’t.. it’s beyond my control. What I do know is that I never betrayed them. Because in my heart I still loved them, and I never meant any harm to come to them.” A silent nod almost came from Connor as he listened, that was right, it wasn’t her fault, and to him it was as clear as her opinions on his betrayal, it seemed people were always harder on themselves… yet other people’s similar stories were treated with more logic … more reasoning.
”That doesn’t make much sense I suppose… I didn’t mean it as a sob story. I guess… I suppose I was just trying to explain that you don’t have to blame yourself for this. And the people who love you, your family and friends.. their important to you. Maybe your mind can’t recognise them yet. But maybe your heart can” It was almost heart breaking that she dragged it back to his problems, Connor knew easily she had no intentions of bringing any focus onto herself but she had and he suddenly felt so very small next to her far sadder tales. There was a soft sigh from him, a thoughtful look deep in his intensely coloured eyes, in the dark they seemed to reflect to a greater degree like any felines, though they weren’t slit, he could make them so… he used to mimic Arisa occasionally for fun but then he stopped, he stopped wanted to push people way, he was already so lonely.. so isolated and different.
"It does… I.. I think it does. I mean...." Connor’s voice was low, soft… trying so hard to not feel so hurt, the pain wasn’t even entirely his, but he felt her pain, she may not show it but he did feel it… she understood what it was like, to lose a parent, to be alone… but her reality was much harsher then his, at least… that’s what he supposed from what little he knew of his own past. "…they are important.. I want to remember them all so badly...." there was a brief pause in his voice as his eyes slid away from her face and watched the water. "..I lost my mother too.. they said she died after being attacked, I think it was because she was a mutant…they don’t really talk about her. I have a photo too…I seemed to have taken a lot of photos actually.. but not enough of her. She was very pretty.. my sister resembles her a lot, only she doesn’t smile like mum does in the photos.. I wish I remembered her voice…." Connor closed his eyes, her image returning to his mind, her smile, the comfort he drew from it was impressive, but he still felt as if she was so far away, he’d give anything to be able to crawl into the photo and curl up on her lap, from the photos he had it seemed like that was the safest place in the world… his mother’s lap, her hand on his head as he dozed, her heart beat close enough to lull him to sleep.
"I guess sometimes we just need someone else to point out the obvious to us, it’s not our faults, for anything that had happened. We’re lucky really… because when we needed them our family had been there, they pulled us out of the chaos." Connor watched the water, feeling a sense of calm despite the emotional roller coaster he was being exposed to. She was right… it wasn’t his fault, he wouldn’t so easily forgive himself for not remembering but he’d not punish himself so much either. In the end… she had done what she aimed to do, she helped pull him together again… and that’s what made her a friend in his mind. Yes… Racheal, he would remember her, he wouldn’t forget again, this was important what she had told him, and she said no one else knew.. that made him special, that made this moment special. She had to know he’d treasure her secrets as if they were his own, he’d remember them for her in case she ever forget herself. It wasn’t a lot… but it was something, and right now it was all he could do.
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
The oaken haired feral knew he had listened, knew he had absorbed her words. She had taken little time to think about what she said, and, inwardly, she crumbled, wanting to hide those words away again, to bury those memories and visions. But at the same time, there was a slight relief. Someone knew. After all these years… It took a lot of inner strengthen then to hold herself together. It shouldn’t hurt so much, surely? So much time had past, surely those wounds should be healed by now. But those visions… they were as fresh as the day it had happened, and it hurt, more than she thought possible. Despite her words, despite the forced calmness, inside she was screaming. But she fought back the tears. Later. Later she would hide in the darkness of her room and release this anguish. This time was not her’s. It was Connor’s. And she had to remember that.
"It does… I.. I think it does. I mean...." Pain-filled eyes, which fought so hard for composure turned to him it confusion. What does? It took her a moment to remember her own words. So he could make sense of it. That was good, it showed that this heart ache wasn’t for nothing. She offered the smallest smile at this in silent gratitude. She wondered if he could know how much those simple words meant to her. To know that someone had not only listened, but had understood why she had told the story. Not to gain sympathy. Not to gain pity. But to simply highlight a point. Her own thinking was similar to his. She could see he was not to blame in his story, just as he could see that she wasn’t. But, it was all too easy to place blame upon yourself, to place yourself in the middle of it all. Not that people ever meant to consciously. But they always did. Even Racheal could see that.
"…they are important.. I want to remember them all so badly...." His family or his memories? Or both perhaps. No, she was sure he had meant his family, because wasn’t that what she had been trying to get across? That it didn’t matter what you had, it was that you had to work onto. Was it? Had she forgotten maybe the purpose of her own story. Hadn’t she just done it to show how you should not blame yourself for things beyond you control. The feral mutant was managing to quite thoroughly confuse herself, and it quietly annoyed her that this was the case. However, mental ears flicked forward, her attention solely on Connor as he continued.
"..I lost my mother too.. they said she died after being attacked, I think it was because she was a mutant…they don’t really talk about her. I have a photo too…I seemed to have taken a lot of photos actually.. but not enough of her. She was very pretty.. my sister resembles her a lot, only she doesn’t smile like mum does in the photos.. I wish I remembered her voice…." Not enough. The morpher could understand that. She had three photos. One of herself and Jake aged about 15 from a photo booth, one of her entire family, well, when they had been alive, on the twins 5th birthday. They’d had a picnic. The 3rd photo… Racheal wasn’t even sure why it was important anymore. Only that it was. It was a landscape, with a house.. She could understand not remembering a parent though. But she did, to an extent, remember little bits. She remembered the feeling of safety when her mother had held her. She remembered that, to her, the woman had sounded like an angel, her voice so calming. It was like hints, little titbits which reminded her of what she lost. The feral mutant nodded a little, her gaze following his to the water.
Of course, she hadn’t known Connor had lost his mother, and it would be wrong to classify her reaction as not surprised. But they, she wasn’t exactly surprised either. She had assumed though that he had both parents, even if she had only heard mention of his father and sisters. But then, maybe that alone had offered her the information. Still, to loose your mother. She knew that loss too well. And there was nothing that could be said. Just like he could not say anything to her. There were no words to coat over the wounds and the emptiness. Sometimes, all that mattered was to listen. He had done so for her, and, without thinking she silently returned the favour.
"I guess sometimes we just need someone else to point out the obvious to us, it’s not our faults, for anything that had happened. We’re lucky really… because when we needed them our family had been there, they pulled us out of the chaos." Again, she nodded slowly, tucking one piece of hair back behind her ear, letting the silence naturally drift down after his words, letting them linger there. He was right. When they were there, her family had done everything for her that they could. Tom had saved her life that night. So had Jake, even though he became more distant from his sister emotionally. No, that wasn’t her fault, was it? Just like not remembering wasn’t his fault. But Connor was wrong on one front. She wasn’t blameless for everything. There was still that betrayal. But that was not a story for tonight. She had heard the settling calm in the other feral’s voice, and that on it’s own lay a settling hand on her heart, helping her to calm, if only for now.
Her eyes remained on the water quietly now. Were words even needed? And if so, what could they be? There was something almost peaceful in this moment, a light coming through in the dark hour, a hope. It was strange, how, even though she still felt like having a breakdown, there was a brief moment of peace, as if her eyes had opened enough to see that there was something there, something to keep going for. Not that she thought she could do it here. Family came through for each other. She had a purpose now. Silently, Racheal vowed to find the people who took her brother, and find out what happened to him. He was her twin after all, her other half.
”It’s so easy…” She started slowly, quietly, a slight smile to her face as her eyes lifted to the sky, looking to the stars ”To hear another’s story, and to see what we can’t. That’s why it’s important to talk to people I suppose. I never thought of that before.” She paused, glancing to Connor with that smile still, a soft peace finding it’s way into her troubled eyes. ”I never really had a chance. Coming here after… everything. It was like being told to run when you can hardly crawl.” She admitted slowly with a dry chuckle.
”I never really spoke to anyone. I didn’t build friendships. I didn’t know how to. I’ve spent… too long on my own. I never knew what it was like to actually have someone listen to you, least of all to understand, or even care” There was a silent thank you in that, in her tone as well. A thank you that was once again echoed in those feline eyes, of which the pupils would shimmer silver briefly if the moonlight caught them at a certain angle. ”Only in the last week have I known what it was like… Thank you Connor… I know I was supposed to be helping you but, in a round about way, you’ve helped me too”
"I was wrong, to think that I might belong. But I will never forget what I was... Who I am.. What I did, just to learn that"
"You know. I have this power. And yet.... I've yet to sneak in to a girl's changing room!"
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
”It’s so easy…” It was nice to soak in the silence for a moment, it wasn’t at all awkward, but it also didn’t drag on too long either, enabling the conversation to continue, whereas if it had suddenly stopped then things would have definitely gotten a whole lot more awkward. His eyes watched her face, watching her as her eyes drifted skywards. ”To hear another’s story, and to see what we can’t. That’s why it’s important to talk to people I suppose. I never thought of that before.” A slight smile tugged in the corner of Connor’s lips, it was probably important to find the right person to talk to as well, somehow Connor got the feeling that Racheal wasn’t so lucky as to have anyone she could open up to… otherwise she may have done so by now.
”I never really had a chance. Coming here after… everything. It was like being told to run when you can hardly crawl.” Tell him about it… Connor drew in a slight breath at the thought of how his life seemed to so drastically turn around on him, it’s like he was trying to fly when all he had were arms and no wings in which to help. It didn’t matter how much Connor flapped his arms, he’d not take off… at least that’s how it felt.
”I never really spoke to anyone. I didn’t build friendships. I didn’t know how to. I’ve spent… too long on my own. I never knew what it was like to actually have someone listen to you, least of all to understand, or even care” That sounded hard, Connor was stressed and frustrated as it was but he knew if he really wanted he always had his sisters and his father… the latter of which made it abundantly clear that Connor could go to him for anything. Just like Logan could be there for Connor, then Connor could be there for her, it was important for him to feel as if he could be something so important for someone else despite his current state, and without realizing it the feel of loyalty helped boost his confidence regarding his stay here. The feral smiled slightly, he appreciated being told this, it meant a lot, it really did, no one talked to him like this… no wait… how did he know? Well… no one in the recent weeks had, that must he was certain. Dazzling eyes seemed watch the emerald gaze, the silver reflection of the moonlight catching her own gaze in an rather alluring manner. There was something rather… attractive… with the animalistic nature of the other, something more then Sarah could have ever hoped for, then again, Connor was on the rebound, well… technically… he wasn’t entirely sure what he was on, but maybe whatever it was that could account for his romantic thoughts… The blue eyed feral blinked away his creeping distractions and focused again on the girl.
”Only in the last week have I known what it was like… Thank you Connor… I know I was supposed to be helping you but, in a round about way, you’ve helped me too” Another smile, a prouder one for sure, it seemed to beam, to lighten the handsome features which were so often deprived of pleasant moods. An almost shy chuckle came as he looked away, glancing down at his knees.
"I’m really glade… usually I just get told off for fussing over things." An awkward hand seemed to lift and rub the back of his neck, the way his body reacted to the words he mentioned clearly stated that ‘told off’ really was the definition of his experience on the matter. He was compulsive.. he couldn’t help it… he really disliked Sarah’s snappish attitude towards him always fidgeting with things, especially her things, or her mess she left strewn across the room. His eyes peered over at Racheal again, thoughts flowing beneath the surface of his expression, hand falling away from his neck, his other hand resting down on the wooden pier, his body leaning onto it and allowing the arm to support some of his weight as he readied to speak again.
"If you ever want to talk… or if you just want company," The other hand lifted to his chest, an assuring look in his eyes and a serious, though soft tone, to his voice. "I’ll always be here for you if you find yourself needing someone, to the best of my abilities. I may have a lot of flaws, but I can be a good companion, in silence or otherwise." He wouldn’t let people down without a fight, not after all he’s been through on his own, with others, the way his father found him, the way Chris needed him… people needed others, they needed others to be there for them when no one else would be. Connor had a habit of always wanting to be there, even if he knew he’d have a hell of a time managing it all.
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
Connor was in trouble. Logan cursed himself as he ran from the apartment, the look on his face stifling any questions the few students still wandering the halls might have had as effectively as a blow. How could he have been so stupid ! He had known how fragile his son was, still struggling with amnesia and all the trauma that resulted from it. Yet he had let him leave the apartment to wander round the grounds late at night and now look where it had got him. Panicked and half drowned in the lake….
*Calm down* Logan told himself *He’s safe. Security said he was safe, didn’t they?* True, but somehow it didn’t help. All that Wolverine could see was that there had been yet another moment when Connor has been scared and once again, despite all his efforts, he hadn’t been there for him. And that was a bitter pill to swallow.
It was such a fine line to walk, the one between protecting and smothering, doing to little and doing to much. He had thought he’d managed to strike a balance, being available if his son wanted to talk, backing off when he felt Connor needed space. Letting the boy find his feet again at the Institute in his own fashion! *Yeah .. letting him out in the middle of the night when he’s vulnerable ! * Logan thought scathingly *What kind of father does that? The kind who lets his kids get kidnapped and tortured, that’s what kind! My kind! *
*But he was in the Institute. he was safe* another part of his mind argued, not one that Logan gave any credit too though. Safe wasn’t a word that applied to his family, the debacle at training island had brought that home with a vengeance. There was nowhere they couldn’t be hurt, no where someone couldn’t just waltz in and take them from him. Or like tonight where the damage already done by those bastards who had experimented on them couldn’t come lurching out of the shadows and put them in harms way.
It was a realisation Wolverine had been forced to live with but he didn’t have to like it. In fact it tore him up inside, leaving wounds even his legendary regeneration could never hope to heal. Wounds that recent events had viciously reopened! So now he couldn’t see that he had done his best, he couldn’t remind himself that Connor was 19 and a man, not a child who could be coddled. All he could see was that it had taken a call from security to let him know that his son was in trouble. And that, by his own standards, meant that he had failed.
What would have happened to Connor if someone hadn’t come along to help? *Oh god he might have died.* The thought brought the old familiar terror raging through him, the fear only those who had children could ever truly understand. There was nothing to match it. No enemy, no cruel twisted act that had been practised upon him over the long years, nothing came even close to making him feel the way he did when he thought about losing one of his kids.
So it was this fear that ate at him as he made his way down to the lake, driving him to interrupt the now quiet conversation as he never would have in different circumstances. Now though social niceties were thrown to the wind. All that mattered was his son, seeing him, touching him, making sure he was well. “Connor” Logan’s emotion echoed raw and fierce in his voice as he ran over to the young man’s side. “God, son are you all right?”
There's just somethin' wild inside me pullin' me to do things I don't understand.
I can't figure it. It's like tryin' to explain desire.[/center]
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
Part of the feral wanted to chuckle a little as she saw that smile, one which seemed so natural on the males face, but which held a pride she couldn’t account for. But he -was- smiling, which was an improvement on before. More, he actually gave some kind of laugh, a chuckle, which brought a smile to her own lips. How had they been so serious moments before with both of them so close to that pit of self pity, only to be here now, where they could smile, easily. It was something she decided in that moment she would like, enjoy. Just that simple ease of a smile.
"I’m really glade… usually I just get told off for fussing over things." Her head tiled very slightly as her own body shifted to a more comfortable position, legs curling around her slightly to one side, her toes curling slightly, feet still bare against the cool wood of the pier. Why would he get told off? Clearly he meant it as well, a proper rebuke for his nature. That hardly seemed fair really. She wondered a little on what he meant by ‘fussing over things’ did he mean in his behaviour or his words, his mind? Maybe both. Even so, although she could imagine maybe it irked some people, she didn’t see why he should be isolated because of it.
By now, the bare footed morpher’s t-shirt was almost dry, most from her own body heat, some from the cool breeze. It certainly no longer clung to her body except where the breeze caught the lowest parts which were dampest, sticking it briefly to her abdomen. Her jeans, however, still dripped, and truth be told Racheal was starting to get a little too cold for her liking from them. One hand rested softly on her other arm it lay on her lap. The tips of her long hair were almost dry by now, which was something at least.
” "If you ever want to talk… or if you just want company," Racheal’s mind had wandered briefly, to nothing specific, just to a gentle serene feeling. She blinked slightly, as he continued, jolted not too suddenly back to the present. Not for the first time, nor for the last, did she wish for more animalistic attributes. She could imagine feline ears perking forward at his words, catching her curiosity as well as her attention. Was.. was he offering her company? Not that it was the first time. But everyone else had had a reason. She was meeting Michael the next day to read, for example, not just for company. Not to just… be. It was novel, and yet he was serious about it as well, no teasing, no light heartedness. But a serious offer for support.
"I’ll always be here for you if you find yourself needing someone, to the best of my abilities. I may have a lot of flaws, but I can be a good companion, in silence or otherwise." The completed offer brought a smile to her lips, one which had started to fade when her mind had drifted, though never completely. She nodded a little at his words, her eyes turning briefly to the lake in thought. It was a lovely night. That was a blessing at least. Of course, she’d make the same offer back. Perhaps it would help. After all, he might have friends, family he can always talk to. But she was impartial. Their history was barely existent. So to her it didn’t matter that Connor couldn’t remember. Because they weren’t starting again, and she didn’t have memories she would want him to remember. Perhaps she could offer that in return.
As for his flaws… they could surely be no more numerous than hers. After all, she was a betrayer, and if they were more numerous they were surely not as sever! Maybe this fussing was one of his flaws. He may have made them sound numerous, but to flaw was human. A perfect human didn’t exist, no matter what some people chose to believe. No one was heartless or could love everyone. No one was completely selfless, no matter what they thought. There was no such thing as perfect. If there was, why would anyone, humans or animals, or even something as mechanical as evolution, strive for something better?
”Everyone has flaws Connor” She said slowly, turning back to him with a smile, not making light of his offer in any shape, but instead not wanting to leap in immediately with her own offer, needing to speak her thoughts briefly. ”Whether they are mutant, human, animal or even plant… there isn’t anything perfect. If there was, why would we strive for something better?” She said simply, smiling gently.
”Thank you though.. I would love to, well, I mean it would be great to talk again at some point” Admittedly, it was a difficult thing to say, to admit. She was Feral, loner, she needed no one. Except, that was a lie wasn’t it? Otherwise, why had she come here in the first place. She had been lost and come here, looking for contact with humans, a lost child holding out her hand. And back then, it had been Connor who had taken it. Shown her what it could be like, even if it was only for five minutes, to have companionship, friends. And now he was offering it again, as if they had, in some ways, gone full circle, although they had barely begun.
”And, you can always come and…” “Connor” Her words were cut off by the almost desperate voice which called out to the other feral, her eyes turning, startled, to the man who ran up to Connor. Instinct had tensed her back, her muscles ready to run from the surprise. And more so the more awkwardness as she realised that it seemed the older male had completely blanked her presence. She moved even before she’d could fully realise what she was doing, her body reacting before her brain as swiftly, fluidly with her natural more feline grace, one leg moved, placing the bared foot under her to allow her to push herself up in to a stand, taking a small step back as she stood there.
“God, son are you all right?” Connor’s father? As she tried to settle herself a little from the startled state she’d found herself in, she slowly noticed the similarities between the pair which backed up the other’s words. Slowly, as she forced herself to relax somewhat, to calm those instincts which told her to run, she realised something else. She recognised this man. Somehow. It was only a brief recognition, like they had stood in the same crowded room for a few brief moments. It wasn’t as simple as passing in the corridor. No, there was more to it. It took a few moments for her to realise just what it was. The rescue mission last Thursday night. That made sense as well. After all, the father of the captured would be there right. And Connor’s sister had been there as well hadn’t she? Madison? Vague memories, instructions from that night, ran through her mind. That would explain it.
Racheal wouldn’t have been so startled had Logan not found that moment to interrupt them. Not that his worry wasn’t understandable, but their conversation had found a soft peace, a lightness. Racheal herself had discovered some peace in those few moments, and it was more the sharp return to reality even, the sound of urgent worry in the other’s voice. But then, it was a father’s right to worry wasn’t it? And although envy didn’t brew in her, something in that struck a chord which made her freeze briefly. This was the embodiment if what she’d lost. As far as she was concerned, there was no one left to worry about her, to look for her if things went wrong. Not really. Not like that. And although she could never begrudge someone else of having it, she realised that, out of everything, it was that she had longed for. Even back with Jake. Something she had lost when she was five.
"I was wrong, to think that I might belong. But I will never forget what I was... Who I am.. What I did, just to learn that"
"You know. I have this power. And yet.... I've yet to sneak in to a girl's changing room!"
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
Communication, blissful and so simple, yet so difficult at the same time. It’s like initiation was so difficult at times, and keeping it going was even harder, yet once you clicked, the boom… it all seemed to flow so smoothly compared to what one may have imagined occurring. It was wonderful though, talking to someone, being talked to… and she didn’t know him, she didn’t look at him as if their entire life was thrown apart and left in shambles and the only hope for improvement was for him to remember… An incredible weight to carry and his family never dreamed of putting such pressure onto Connor, yet it happened still, to a lesser degree because they tried not to let their pain show, but it showed regardless…
Vibrant eyes turned slightly towards the water, like a graveyard haunted by a stream of silken moonlight and for Connor it was just as eerie… though strangely beautiful even with the air of fear it stirred within him. Strong hands gently pulled at the still folded trousers resting on his lap, the sensitive touch of his finger tips easily could tell the fabric was still damp, still too shy to even try wiggling into them while she was so close, as long as it remained folded on his lap then he felt somewhat secure.
”Everyone has flaws Connor” The male feral let his gaze slip back to her, the shy thoughts almost visible in his eyes for a moment before the impact of her words melted away the air of insecurity and left a look of focus and acute listening. ”Whether they are mutant, human, animal or even plant… there isn’t anything perfect. If there was, why would we strive for something better?” Illuminative spheres of Connor’s gaze watched her, feeling as if they were companions in some sort of bonding sport where one would counter the others issues with assurance and understanding.
”Thank you though.. I would love to, well, I mean it would be great to talk again at some point” Connor’s smile brightened and straight white teeth were clearly seen, though off to the edges his canine’s were slightly sharper, pointier, then commonly seen in people… without being overly noticeable yet still somehow more feral. A blink, a distracted glance away as she talked on, ready to offer him something in return… was there movement out there?
”And, you can always come and…” There was movement! Connor’s hands gripped his trousers a little tighter, ok, so Wolverine’s son had shorts on that doubled easily for swimmers, but Connor was hardly the most boisterous of youths and while he was far from shy about his body that didn’t mean he was daft to how things may look… By the lake… with a girl… half undressed. Since Connor wasn’t aware of the cameras he figured his father would jump to the obvious conclusion… though Logan sounded nervous and worried and far from pleased, which confused his son…Perhaps Connor wasn’t allowed to stay out with girls? Well… if that was the case… maybe Connor should talk to his dad about the relationship with Sarah and how far things had gotten under the false pretence she had woven together…
“Connor” The confusion in Connor’s expression only mounted as Racheal stood, fluid and graceful yet swift and it was as if there was some sort of raid occurring that Connor couldn’t figure out yet was stuck in the middle of. “God, son are you all right?” Blue eyes peered up rather speechless at the older man… well, this was awkward… Goosebumps riddled Connor’s chilled skin, though he shivered a little before inching himself slightly around his father’s legs as if trying to slink behind him.
"Ah… yeah…excuse me," His sleek form stood half hidden from Racheal’s direct view, Connor’s hands flicked the trousers out and allowed his legs to quickly slip into each legging and hastily pulled the damp attire up about his waist and fastened it securely. It didn’t matter if Logan and his children could endure tougher environmental conditions then most, the chill was still felt and Connor and Racheal looked far from cosy out there on the pier. "I mean… I went for a swim, and I…got stuck…but Racheal’s been sitting with me since and… are you ok?" Wolverine’s son inched to the side a little, coming out from around Logan so he wasn’t so obscured from Racheal’s view. Concern reflected in Connor’s eyes and uncertainly flared a little as he wondered if he had done something wrong… though the youth was impressed Logan located him… perhaps the elder man had been hunting around the grounds for a while and that’s why he got so worked up?
Re: Saturday the 17th of March: Lost in Rough Waters
The first flood of relief had passed, all the stress generated adrenaline rushing out of his system, leaving Logan spent, if only for a moment. Connor was indeed unharmed. But then Wolverine had known that, hadn’t he? And it hadn’t made the slightest bit of difference to his racing heart. The mere fact that there had once again been danger, even if it had been transitory, and that he hadn’t been there, had been enough for all those well tested guilt reflexes to kick in. He had needed to see with his own eyes that all was well, not just hear it confirmed by whoever manned the security cameras. To be there as he had promised his son he would be, even if once again he had arrived too late.
Though he couldn’t exactly say that Connor seemed pleased to see him! In fact he looked decidedly embarrassed by Logan’s concern, as if his father’s presence was the last thing he expected. Or wanted for that matter. And yet not being there when it counted had been one of the things Conner had reproached him for in the past. Something else he had forgotten no doubt by the looks of things. Which did leave Wolverine out on a limb!
Logan could feel his usual awkwardness settling in around him as his son murmured "Ah… yeah…excuse me," andhurriedly put on his trousers. Why was he suddenly so eager to get dressed? Just because Logan was there. Why should that be? Although Wolverine had been focused on his offspring when he had first rushed up, a part of his mind had none the less registered the girl who had been sitting beside him in apparently easy companionship. Now all that was gone and Logan suspected that it was his intervention that had spoiled it.
It made him feel out of place, as he so often did around his children, never sure of what to do or what to say. Only that it was bound to be the wrong thing. As it so obviously was now! And yet he had come down with the intention of thanking this young woman, the one person who had been there when his son needed someone. It was just that his overriding need had been to know that Connor was safe rather than to acknowledge her place in his survival. And now…. Logan looked despairingly over at the girl, all his years and experience and self reliance suddenly wiped out by the feeling that once again he was in the wrong place at precisely the wrong time. As his son seemed to confirm!
"I mean… I went for a swim, and I…got stuck…but Racheal’s been sitting with me since and… That wasn’t what had happened. Or rather it was but without the drama. There had been fear which she had eased. And that was more than Logan himself had managed to do on past occasions. Maybe it was because they were so alike that she had reached him so easily. *More alike than him and me.* Logan told himself. *Though who knows Maybe that’s all for the best. After all I’m not exactly an example to follow.* Whereas this girl may just have struck a chord
The intrinsic feral nature of the young woman looking at him was no secret to Logan. It screamed at him from her scent …. as did something else. The realisation that he’d smelled it somewhere before…… somewhere important. Fear and Connor all wrapped up in it once again, along with the need to say thank you. Logan went a still as only an animal could, casting not only his memories but his senses back to that last moment of contact, memories of torture, people cutting once again into his living flesh but far overshadowed by other pain. The pain that the loss of his children had inflicted upon him! The desperation that had led him to offer himself up as a willing sacrifice even if it meant one slight chance of getting close to them! And all of that, the knowledge of failure, the agony on the table as once again experiments started on him dwarfed by Connors words. Words that had cut him deeper than the sharpest knife!When his son had turned his back on him and walked away.
Ever since that moment, Wolverine had asked himself why. Logan had of course been in that position before. When you saw an enemy chained and suffering! Maybe the difference between him and his son was that all too often Wolverine had been the one tortured. God he hoped it was that. Or maybe..... That didnt help . Surely Connor couldnt have seen him as an enemy could he?
Logan flinched away from the thought… perhaps none of his adversaries had ever hurt him as much as he had hurt his son. Was there ever anything worse than the betrayal of a parent? Logan didn’t think so. Even if that betrayal was unintentional! Still he clung to the idea that Connor had only walked away, leaving him bound and helpless in the face of their cruelty because Madison had been there. And that thought had been a gift from Michael. Even if Madison had been obliged to leave to save herself!
Her retreat hadn’t mattered. Or at least that was what he had tried to tell himself. She had been pragmatic, realising that what counted for him was the fact she was out of there and nothing else. And in the end that was what had released him. Fighting his way out of their supposed domination! Liberating the beast that lay within! Though he had at least kept some sort of control. Not much, but better than nothing. Better than the red darkness that had surrounded them on their last capture.
That was something he had vowed never to revisit. Even if he knew that promise had no value whatsoever when faced with the peril of his children. Even if it ate at his soul to admit it! Still he would oppose his hard won humanity against the killing machine he had been trained to be. And in the end perhaps only god would be his judge. If he even existed! Because he doubted any man could be.
Take your child! Not just a part of you, but your one act of hope thrown haphazardly into the future,, someone whose existence you were ultimately responsible for, who you had decided the world was kind enough to receive despite all the hardship you had endured. The one thing that mattered the most to you in the entire universe! Wrench it from your side. Hurt it as, you yourself had been hurt. In the full knowledge that it was your genetic makeup that had laid them open to such an attack. Add into the mix the fact that you had not only been trained to track and to kill without mercy but that you were virtually indestructible! Then tell him, was it the man or the animal that reacted? Would any father given the same circumstances and the same possibilities have acted any differently?
… are you ok?" That wasn’t a question your child should ever have to ask you. Logan knew that. And yet Connor did and maybe with reason. And all he could do was lie. Because that was whatyou did when you were a parent. Even a lousy one like him.
”Yeah I’m fine “ he said, his eyes only fully revealing their thoughts to the girl, and somewhere inside perhaps he preferred revealing his weakness to her rather than to his son. It was a plea stark and honest, wrenched from him by his need. “Of course I am , I just….” What to say? Nothing she would believe with his emotions etched so plainly on his face. Perhaps he could have concealed them from another mutant but not from her. And wasn’t there some echo of understanding in her eyes. Some silent need as great as his own!
Damn it! How could he even want that to be the case? It wasn’t fair! He would never have wanted anyone to have gone through what he had endured. And yet there was contact. A moment when feelings flowed! At least from him. yet even in the face of that revelation he drew a breath. Assuming his role! Or rather what children always assumed your role to be! Needed you to be.” I guess I over reacted “ Logan said. “Sorry. Maybe these last few days have made me a bit paranoid. I shouldn’t have come” His apology was offered as much to Rachael, perhaps even more so than it was to his son.
Logan remembered now. She had been there at the market, focused as she should have been on liberating the prisoners. All of the prisoners! Those who were lost and far less apt to survive than his children! As an X man should have been. As he had not been!
“ Anyway, sorry. I won’t be disturbing the two of you anymore. But….. “ It was the least he owed her, his words dwarfed by the intensity of the emotion that his body language betrayed to any feral. “Thanks ” His voice was gruff but nakedly sincere. “for being there tonight I mean.. and for helping on the mission as well.”
God, this wasn’t how it should have been He should have been able to say that without being awkward. Whereas here he was just an embarrassment! But then that was nothing new was it? He had always been the one who had let his family down. No matter how hard he had tried. Why should this occasion be any different?” Sooo , don’t let me interrupt, I was just passing through” Shit that sounded as stupid when he said it as it had in his head. But then anything would have. He had thought that it was his place, the place Connor wanted him to fill and maybe it was. He just had to face the inevitable fact that he didn’t know how to fill it. And maybe he never would.
There's just somethin' wild inside me pullin' me to do things I don't understand.
I can't figure it. It's like tryin' to explai
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