The Ghost within the Machine..
The battle simulation ended shortly after Catherine was shot, Joan had Spike drugged to be removed from the arena before she guided Riley and Catherine to his room. There was a cruel smile upon Joan's lips that only helped boil Riley's anger.. why was she enjoying seeing Catherine hurt like this? Once inside his room, he glared at the door as the security panel used to open and close it lost the green light and got a red one.. why was he being locked in here? It wasn't like he was going to run off.. security precautions he assumed as he glanced down at Catherine in his arms.
Moving across the room with the faintest limp, Riley gently rested Catherine down on his bed, he was just glade Jon wasn't around.. and hoped the other agent wouldn't come. Last thing Riley would need was Catherine seeing him lose his temper at that boy.. there was bound to be damage done to him if he came anywhere near Catherine..
He took Jon's blanket and placed it over her, he really didn't know what to do, and he was scared over how she'd respond to his improper actions towards her earlier.. With a frustrated sigh, he opened his draws and pulled out another Singlet and his dark blue jeans. Draping them over his shoulder as he stared at Catherine, his fingers unbuckling his belt as he tore his eyes from her and moved towards another door in the room. Glancing back at her as he slowly pulled the belt free, he stared down at his hand for a moment, raising it his lips, he could smell the same scent that had been the first thing he had ever done.. smell that very same scent..
"You're drownin' in her Riley, you jus' don't know it." Turning his hand over, he stared at his scrapped knuckles, he didn't like her seeing him like this.. But the vampire's words where true in a sense.. he always could smell her.. and now she was everywhere he looked.. her words always echoed in his mind.. and she was literally all he could think about.. being the only thing he really remembered.. He shook his head and cleared his thoughts as he moved into the shower room, shutting the door gently behind him so he didn't disturb her.. she complained last time he had disturbed her.. and he emptied his gun into the barrier she stood behind..
The first thing he saw was his reflection in the small white bathroom, his first instinct was to raise his fist at the face of the person he remembered shooting at Catherine, before he blinked as he realized.. that was him.. He looked away from the mirror and hides his eyes behind his hand as he tried to clear the image from his mind. By the time he was undressed, the steaming hot water showering down on his sore muscles, Riley's mind had drifted off to his last few moments with Catherine in the arena. He was only in there for a few minutes.. enough to rinse his hair and clean off the dirt and blood from his knuckles as best he could. Riley had a habit of hanging the towel over the edge of the shower, so that way he could dry himself while still inside, not leaving watery puddles around the bathroom.
Pulling his clothes that he had hang neatly on the towel rack, he was dressed and standing in the doorway, his shoulder leaning against the frame as he watched Catherine sleeping, his left hand absent-mindedly rubbing the water from his hair with his white towel. His stomach felt strange.. like having pins and needles when your leg goes to sleep.. only.. it was in the pit of his stomach.. it was different.. he wasn't sure what it was, but it didn't matter.. he knew it was Catherine doing it to him.. and.. he liked it..
'... I don't really like the old Riley much.' Holding the towel in front of his stomach, Riley stared down at it.. why would she say that if she wanted him back.. maybe she was lying to him.. maybe he was right and she was just using him.. using him so he'd help her escape.. then what would happen to him? He’d be just as alone as he was now.. if not more.. would she care he'd be heart broken if she did that? ..She always said she never cared..
'I like Riley ... I want him to come back ...' Dropping the towel rolled up into the clothesbasket that sat against the wall behind the door, he then stepped out into the room.. his eyes still lingering on Catherine's resting form. Maybe she did want him back.. maybe.. she never pulled away from his arms.. maybe she would allow him to hold her longer.. Maybe she liked him enough to allow him to.. to kiss her.. to lay beside her.. to hold her as she sleeps..
He picked up his new white Singlet, Riley was the type who'd rather walk around in the cold then get his shirt wet, he allowed his fingers to pat out the creases in the folded item of clothing. Then grabbed a pillow from Jon's bed as he thought, Riley's never thought of himself as nice looking, he never really thought of his appearance as being the slightest bit attractive. Claire always pulled from his arms when he tried to hug her affectionately, and her kisses where always quick.. she always said there was too much to do to simple drift about idly wasting time hugging or kissing.. there was plenty of time for that later she had always said.. But he had Catherine’s memories of her looking at him.. he remembered her admiring him.. it was strange remembering that.. but it was nice.. he liked that she liked him.. but did she like.. him.. not just what he looked like..
He moved towards the bed, taking a seat at the very end, pulling his knees to his chest as he finally pulled his eyes from her and stared over at Jon's untidy bed.. Jon got to lay next to her.. was Riley jealous? He barely even knew her.. and he knew she was devastated over thinking she slept with Jon.. so there was nothing to be jealous about. Besides.. it's not like he was courting her.. how would he bring that up? 'Sorry I tried to kill you.. kiss me?' He wrapped his arms around his knees, leaning his head back, he stared up at the ceiling in the center of the room.. How did he know that he even liked her.. maybe.. maybe he was just feeling strange because of the fact she's the only one he really remembers.. she's the only thing he knows.. But.. he's never held someone like he's held her... he was sure of it.. he couldn't even really remember why he liked holding her.. but as soon as he wrapped his arms around her it was like he finally found somewhere he belonged..
He dropped his knees lightly to the bed, pointing towards Catherine as he kept them curled up, he dropped the Singlet neatly on the bed as he turned his body partially towards her. Resting the side of his head against the wall, he wrapped his arms absent-mindedly around the pillow he had now held against his chest, his chin resting on it calmly as he closed his eyes while he just thought.. Why was everything so confusing? Why didn't any of it make any sense.. why couldn't he just be normal, why couldn't he make sense over what Catherine really wanted.. why was he so confused over her feelings towards him.. allowing him to hold her.. then yelling at him.. saying she never liked him.. then saying she wanted him back.. Why couldn't things be so much simpler?
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
'Mmmmm.' She turned over so she was lying on her face, her head buried in his pillows, her golden brown hair sprawled out on the pillow. Refusing to open her eyes even though she could feel herself waking up, she wondered where she was, it couldn't be her bed, it didn't smell right. She breathed deeply into the pillows, it was a familiar scent ... a nice one, one that made her feel safe ... but where was she.
She raised her head, lifting a hand to push her hair from her eyes, she was staring at a wall, a blank wall, she shifted onto her side, her eyes moving down the wall and catching sight of Riley.
'Where ...' She yawned sleepily, aware that she still must be in the initiative base if he was here. 'Where am I?' A small something running down her spine, not particularly comfortable at the fact that he was sitting so close to her at the end of the bed she was lying upon. Her eyes opened slightly and some of the sleepiness left her as her gaze fell upon his bare top half, she couldn't see much of him since he seemed to be hugging a pillow to his front, his hair looked quite wet and tousled ... how long had he been there ... watching her? She pulled the blanket a little closer to herself peering over at him out of her dark eyes.
'What happened? Where's Spike?' Her eyes flicked around the room taking in the other bed, the neon lights, computer and seemingly locked outer doorway. This must be where Riley slept, she glanced over at him nervously, with a very groggy memory hanging around the back of her head about being shot and being lifted up into his arms, her body close against his.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..'Mmmmm.' Rileys eyes slowly opened, watching her shifting about, then slowly raising her head and glancing about. He felt so uncomfortable suddenly.. and.. very extremely nervous..
''Where.. Where am I?' His arms wrapped more defensivly around the pillow, hugging it tighter as if he thought she was about to lash out at him, but her eyes peered about the room, he was glad they where off him, even for a short time..
'What happened? Where's Spike?' After she spoke, her eyes returned to him, that same look.. he always could remember her looking at him like that.. well she did have a reason, didn't she.. How many times has he hurt her? He shifted his position, turning his body away from her so his back was flate against the wall and bringing his knees up once again, pressing the pillow even tighter against his chest.
"After you where shot.. the others managed to subdue the demon, Joan ended the simulation, she drugged Spike.. took him away.. he seemed very scared." Riley stared across the room at the other bed, he didn't want to look at her.. he didn't like how he was looking at him.. it was hurtful to see her stare at him as if he was about to hurt her again.
"Then she brought us here.. you where tired, I had a shower, I hope I didn't.. disturb you again." His travelled over Jon's bed.. he'd rather sleep on the floor instead of touching that.. He didn't even want to look at it.. But there wasn't really much of a choice, it was the only thing that didn't seem to glare at him.. He slowly looked towards her again, but blinked and looked away, staring at the floor in the center of the room, his stomach knotted up again..
"I apologise for my improper behaviour before, I was out of line... it was very rude of me, I'm sorry if I offended you." After he spoke, he guiltily burried his face into the pillow against his knees, after a moment, slowly turning his face partly away from her, though it still remained hidden against the pillow.
"I can't wake up.. I feel like I'm sleeping and I can't wake up.. You know how Spike complains about feeling empty? I think I understand what he means now.." Just stop talking.. there was no point in sharing this, she didn't care, look how she was looking at him, she trusted her life with a soulless vampire more then she trusted him right now.. Why did she keep letting him hold her if she hated him so much.. why did she do that to him.. why couldn't she just either hate him or like him.. It's not fair for her to feel both ways towards him whenever she felt like..
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..'Then she brought us here.. you where tired, I had a shower, I hope I didn't.. disturb you again.' She sat up, forcing her still sleepy muscles to obay her, she eyed him rather nervously. Cat crossed her legs, drawing the blanket over her lap, her eyes looking down at her crossed legs.
'No you didn't.' She said rather timidly for Catherine, her eyes flicking upto his for a moment then glancing back down at the blanket her hands were playing with. 'Umm ... why ... why did she bring me here?' She was half afraid of the answer to that question, her darker eyes meeting his for a second her mind wondering what it would be like to wake up in his arms, she turned a delicate shade of pink and looked away, pulling a stray fibre of cloth from the blanket.
'No it's OK.' She said feeling stupid ... why couldn't she form proper sentances? She realised she'd never been alone with him before, she'd never been in his room before, in his bed before, she turned a slightly darker shade of red and didn't look up at him.
She didn't respond to his other comment about Spike she didn't know what to say, her flustered and confused mind was dying to get away from here but her body refused to move an inch. He was so close to her ... she remembered his fingers brushing her lips gently, his warm breath on her cheek ... she glanced up, he wasn't looking at her anymore but at the floor, his head turned away from her.
ooc: Sorry this is short but the libary is closing oh and I think I'm ill so sorry if I vannish for a while
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile
'No you didn't.' Well at least he didn't disturb her.. he wondered what she must think about being locked in here with him, she seems scared..
'Umm ... why ... why did she bring me here?' Why did Joan bring her to his room, locked them both in here, gee.. he only had to think of the cruel smile Joan had on her face seeing Catherine hurt to know why Joan had done this.
"I'm pretty sure Joan likes to see you suffer.. and the way you keep looking at me right now makes me assume it's working." He still didn't look at her, he just knew she would still be looking at him as if he was going to hurt her again. He moved to the edge of the bed, stretching his legs over the side and leaving the pillow in the place he had sat as he stood up.
"It's not fair you're doing this." He protested as he turned around, placing the palm of his right hand over his heart as if to exaggerate what he was saying.
"I believe in you, I do, I just can't believe anything you say, you keep changing you mind, you're confusing me, you're confusing everything I know and feel, or think I know!" He dropped his hands to his side, before then raising it and stroking his hand through his hair in a frustrated confusion. He moved towards the bed again, this time sitting further up and on the edge, right beside Catherine's thighs that where hidden under the blanket, so he was close to her. He stared down at her hands that where clutching at the blanket, his lips parted as if he was about to say something else, but he seemed to give a soundless sigh as he closed his mouth and reached his hands for hers, lightly placing them over her clenched fists that grabbed the material.
"Please stop it.. I'm not going to hurt you.." He seemed hurt that she was so nervous around him, it was like she was terrified of him, and he knew she had justified reasons, but it still hurt seeing her so afraid of him.. But he seemed to get distracted from talking with her as he glanced down at her hands, they had disappeared within his own larger ones, they where warm.. and soft.. and he was almost worried he'd hurt her he thought of her so delicately.. Even though he knew she could hold her own in a fight, he knew that she could fight.. but he still worried over accidentally hurting her with his strength.. He always worried that's why Claire slipped from his hugs, he was worried he'd be hurting her and she wouldn't tell him, maybe he was rough, over powering, maybe he held them too tightly..
"You said you didn't like the old Riley much.. and then you say you liked him and you want him back.. but you hated me the instant I opened the door. I remember.. I can't remember where, I just remember inviting you into.. a place.. and you hated me.. But I knew you'd been through a lot, I thought.. something.. about.." He frowned trying to think, trying hard to remember but everything had large gaps or where too blurry for him to understand properly. He looked up for a moment, but as soon as he looked at her eyes he dropped his gaze again to the back of his hands that still lightly covered her own.
"There where friends.. girls.. I think.. I don't remember their faces, but I know I didn't get on well with some of the guys.. they where rude. They where impolite to the girls, and I wasn't interested in the things they always talked about.. I think I felt.. out of place. And they always insulted their girlfriends, telling each other the worst things instead of telling them the best parts about them, it's like they didn't actually care about their partners." He was still frowning, it was so hard to remember, and he couldn't remember any faces, just.. things.. useless things.. none of it helped him, why couldn't he remember something important.
He inched closer towards her, pulling her hands from the blanket gently and stroking his thumbs inside her palms as he held her hands to uncurl her fingers. He looked up at her eyes, watching her reactions with what he was doing and simply admiring the depths of her eyes. He held her lightly enough for her to easily pull her hands from his hold, he didn't want to force her hands to remain in his grasp if she didn't want them to. His fingers slowly placed her hands over his heart, his skin was smooth, yet firm, slightly tensing at her touch, his stomach knotted up again, more then ever, Riley blinked in surprise over the odd feeling her touch swelled inside him. His eyes fell from her dark gaze and hovered upon her lips for a longing moment before he forced himself to look down at her hands. It wasn't like she was doing anything special.. he was simply holding her hands against his skin and yet.. it was like she was doing something special.
He breathed in slowly as he closed his eyes, was he trying to press his chest against her hands? He stopped quickly.. looking back up at her, he stared at her lips again, he'd been so close to her before.. he touched them.. what would it be like.. for her lips to press against his own? He let his eyes move back up to her own darker ones, he wanted to say something.. he wasn't sure what but he wanted to say something.. he couldn't.. why couldn't he speak.. he was speaking before.. Just focus.. and.. try to avoid looking down at her lips..
"It's not fair.. because I've never tried courting someone like you, you're a very hard girl to court and it's harder now because the Initiative is trying to turn me into a monster and they're winning and I don't think I can fight them. But if I lose then I'm going to lose everything because I'm going to lose you, you're going to leave me behind.. I don't want to be left behind again. But if I leave here, they're going to keep trying to bring me back, like they always do, they'll bring me back and change who I am again and make me forget.. and you'll be in danger if I'm around you because of that.." He dropped his eyes downwards and stared at the blanket her hands had earlier been grasping so tightly, a distance look in his gaze as he thought.
"Part of me wants you to leave here without me because of that danger towards you.. but.. another part doesn't want to let you just leave without a fight to be able to stay at your side.." He spoke quietly those words, almost as if he was guilty over his selfish desire to stay with her.. to escape with her. He kept his eyes down, avoiding her own as he continued to talk..
"I tried to tell you.. but I don't think you understood me.. I didn't even understand until.. in the cell.." He trailed off quietly, slowly looking back up at her, staring at the expression upon her face only for the slightest of moments before continuing with what he was trying to say.
"I said I cared about you Catherine.. because I do.. I care about you.. more then.. more then you'd probably want me to after what I've done.." Slowly he seemed to pull away, as if putting up protective barriers around himself as he prepared for Catherine's attack of cruel words, seeming to grew slightly defensive as he stared over towards Jon's bed, then dropped his gaze to his knees.
"I told you.. you're all I have.. and right now, you're all I remember.. I just thought.. it'd help you understand why you're words could hurt me so easily." He placed his hands uncomfortably on his knees before looking over towards the door.. slowly then looking back at her.. waiting for her to lash out at the fact he dared want to be anything more then a friend after what he's done to her..
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..
did wish that didn't she? Her nervous hands played with the material of the blanket, why could he disconcert her so easily?
Catherine felt his hands close over hers, looking down at his large palms, her heart jumping in her chest, wanting to pull away yet not wanting to pull away in the same breath.
'Please stop it.. I'm not going to hurt you.' She wasn't afraid of him hurting her ... she was afraid of him being this close to her. There was something so different in his touch, he hadn't just grabbed her, she felt like she could have pulled away if she'd wanted to.
'You said you didn't like the old Riley much.. and then you say you liked him and you want him back.. but you hated me the instant I opened the door. I remember.. I can't remember where, I just remember inviting you into.. a place.. and you hated me.. But I knew you'd been through a lot, I thought.. something.. about..' She looked up at him but he glanced away from her back down at their joined hands.
'I ... I ...' But he was continuing to speak ... she didn't know what she would have said anyway, she liked the old Riley more than the new and improved one ... much more. She missed him, but just now ... what he was saying it was like a glimpse of him.
She felt him move slightly closer to her, rubbing his thumbs against her fists until they opened against her will, her dark eyes stared straight across at him, but his eyes were trained on her hands. Her hands tingled at the touch of his skin brushing against hers, she blushed slightly. She felt him lift her hands, and press them against his bare chest, his skin was warm and smooth to the touch and the tips of her fingers could feel his heart beat pounding though him and into her skin.
'It's not fair.. because I've never tried courting someone like you, you're a very hard girl to court and it's harder now because the Initiative is trying to turn me into a monster and they're winning and I don't think I can fight them. But if I lose then I'm going to lose everything because I'm going to lose you, you're going to leave me behind.. I don't want to be left behind again.' She looked over at him but he wasn't looking at her.
'Courting?' She said her voice quiet, feeling her ears burning ... courting ... he was courting her? she hardly heard everything else he was saying to her, her eyes trying to find his and then as soon as they did she looked away again. He was courting her? they were courting? she didn't understand, he'd tried to shoot her less than a day ago and now he wanted to go out with her? It didn't make any sense ... was he just saying his for a joke, now his hands weren't holding her's against his chest her small hands slid from his body, the tips of her fingers still feeling the pulse of his heart in them.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..
Staring back down at the floor, trying to hide the disappointment with the lack of response to what he had said, is that all she could reply to him with? ..'Courting'?
"I don't even remember why.." He broke the awkward silence with his quiet voice, he sounded as if he had just been defeated by something.. lost.. What was the point in fighting to stay by her side if she had no interest in him? He almost felt as if he just wanted to walk into the bathroom and stay in there behind the closed door until someone came and picked her up.
"But I still feel it.. I know he saw something in you, you showed something and Riley saw it and he admired it so much and he wanted to protect that part of you and he wanted to be there for you, he wanted.. he wanted to help you however he could. But then in the cell.. it was small.. and he knew you where still afraid of him.. or he thought so anyway.. but you still helped.. I don't think anyone's ever helped him before.." It was strange, even for Riley, talking about himself as if he was another person, he shifted his position once again, his arm reaching over her legs, his palm digging into the bed as he leaned slightly in front of her, his eyes studying over her face as if it might help him remember. He wish he knew what to say to make her more comfortable, he didn't even think that him being so close to her could be one of the reasons she was so nervous.
"I remember how he felt but I don't remember why, I remember how he could just look at you and he'd see something that so many people would over look. But I can't see that, I don't know what he saw, I don't remember, and then those boy.. they looked at you, they saw something else, different to what Riley saw, but I don't understand what they could see either." It was obvious he was referring to the guys that had been admiring her body, and although he's held her a few times, he's never thought of looking at a girl like that. He's never been in love to understand what it's like, he's never thought of the difference about loving a slim girl or an over weight one. And although a part of him would be attracted to her appearance, he just hasn't given it the time of thought to think of such things. He fell in love with her for who she was, for the things she did for others, even if she was going against what she really wanted to do in order to help.. He loved who she was.. he just couldn't remember who that was right now.. he couldn't even remember who he was let alone her..
"It's not fair everyone get's to see something about you that I can't remember or don't understand, I don't know what they all see.. I'm missing out on something.. but I don't know what it is.." After a moment, his eyes dropped down to her hands again, he wanted to hold her again, but he was tired of pulling her towards him.. why couldn't she be the one to hold him.. if she really cared she wouldn't just sit back and force him to always make the first moves.. She didn't appear to show any affection.. maybe he was just pushing her, he was forcing her to let him hold her..
"No one will tell me what I'm doing wrong.. I've got to be doing something terribly wrong, Initiative drugging and manipulations aside.. I'd try and kiss her and she'd pull away so quickly, I'd try and hug her and she'd slip away, I know I'm strong, and sometimes I forget, maybe I hurt people when I try and hold them, but no one tells me, if I don't know I can't help it, I can't change, why won't you just tell me what I'm doing wrong and I'll try and change.." He dropped his head down, his whole body simply slumping lightly over Catherine's thighs as his head buried into the blankets a few inches from her legs.
"I stopped taking the needles they left me, I haven't used one.. and there are four.. and I haven't used one.. and that's against regulations.. but Graham didn't force me to take them. It's what you wanted isn't it.. so why isn't it helping.." When he spoke again, his voice was muffled into the wrinkled sheets, not wanting to look up at her, too upset and hurt to bother making any effort to move..
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..'But I still feel it.. I know he saw something in you, you showed something and Riley saw it and he admired it so much and he wanted to protect that part of you and he wanted to be there for you, he wanted.. he wanted to help you however he could. But then in the cell.. it was small.. and he knew you where still afraid of him.. or he thought so anyway.. but you still helped.. I don't think anyone's ever helped him before.' The happiness in her seemed to drain away ... he liked her because he felt he should like her, she didn't want this strange Riley, she wanted her Riley back she wanted him to say I not he. There was an empty feeling in her lower stomach ... he liked her beacuse Riley liked her ... she looked down at the blanket feeling tears well up beind her now closed lashes. She looked at him out of slightly blurry eyes, watching him lean over her ... her body still screamed out for her just to let heself fall forwards into his embrace, he'd hold her, she knew he would but he wasn't Riley ... he was a stranger to her.
'I remember how he felt but I don't remember why, I remember how he could just look at you and he'd see something that so many people would over look. But I can't see that, I don't know what he saw, I don't remember, and then those boy.. they looked at you, they saw something else, different to what Riley saw, but I don't understand what they could see either.' She turned her head away slightly, her eyes closed again. He said he liked her then he told her he didn't know what he saw in her either personality wise or phsyically. Her hands bunched up again in her lap, her fingers nervously playing with the blanket, she wished he'd just go away and come back as her Riley.
'It's not fair everyone get's to see something about you that I can't remember or don't understand, I don't know what they all see.. I'm missing out on something.. but I don't know what it is.' She scruntched her eyes up slightly and kept her head turned away ... why was he doing this? Why was he hurting her telling her he was trying to court her and then informing her that he didn't see what everyone else saw, her hands clutched the blanket tightly, her bottom lip quivering slightly. She felt him slump over her legs, effectively pinning her to the bed, she wanted to move away, curl up somewhere dark by herself. There was a few moments of silence.
'No ...' She said finally, her voice quiet with a slight tremble to it. 'No you haven't hurt me,' She streatched out a tentative hand, laying it on the top of his head which was burried near her legs. 'You never hurt me at all.' She couldn't account for Claire's strange behaviour, his hair was dry now, she wished he was Riley so much. Her fingers almost absent mindedly brushed through his hair, he was upset, she wanted to comfort him but she didn't know how to.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..'No ...' He didn't understand what she was saying no to, was she trying to tell him he didn't love her? ..Love.. did he love her? He knew he cared about her.. but what right did he have in ever saying he loved her without knowing what it was about her he loved.
'No you haven't hurt me.....You never hurt me at all.' Her hand had laid upon the back of his head, she was still being distant, her fingers stroked lightly through his hair but it still felt empty.. It felt like she was forcing herself to touch him.. He took a few moments to reply to her comment.. he gave a cold hateful whisper that was almost lost into the blankets.
"...But Marc has.." He spoke of Marc just like he spoke of Riley, like a totally different person, he shook his head faintly as his face remained hidden.
"It's not working.. I know if I take those needles Marc will come back, but I thought if I didn't take them then Riley would come back.. but he hasn't.. not really.. at least not yet.." His tone of voice sounded confused, still upset but now even more because of the frustration building up inside of him. No.. he wasn't going to just give up on this, he was going to fight, even if he had to fight himself, he was going to fight and remember.. he was going to remember why.. and he was going to remember for her.. Slowly Riley pulled himself from the bed, sitting up, though still leaning over her legs, he seemed closer to her now, he could so easily just lean slightly forward and kiss her..
"I know I love you Catherine.. I'm not sure how much, I know the more time I spend with you the more stronger it gets, but I also know it's not fair on you. And I'm not going to tell you 'I love you' until I know what it is about you that I fell in love with." His hand gently touched her cheek, his palm resting against it as if trying to be supportive.. he knew he was hurting her.. he could see it in her eyes.
"Because that's what you deserve Catherine, when someone tells you that they love you, you deserve to know what it is about you that they love." His hand slowly moved from her cheek to her lips, his fingers lightly resting over them as if to stop her from speaking.
"And I do want to kiss you, when you're close to me it's all I can think about, but I'm not going to until I remember.. because when I kiss you it's just another way of me saying I love you. It's why I was so upset that Joan kissed me.. I don't love her.. I don't care about her at all in any such way.. I think she's cruel and insensitive and heartless.." He looked away from her slowly, staring at the wall behind her as he thought, his hand moving from her lips and once again resting against her cheek before gliding down to her shoulder. He smiled as he looked back at her, an honest, yet almost affectionate, smile that he rarely ever had while within the base..
"You have beautiful eyes.. you have such a caring nature.. I like how you help.. even if you aren't totally fond of the person you're helping.. you still help.." He dropped his hazel gaze down to her hands, his other arm moving from where he leaned against it and reaching for her hand, while his hand resting on her shoulder moved down and took hold of her other hand. He smiled faintly again as he stared at his hands tenderly holding hers, studying them.. remembering them..
"I liked how you let me hold you.. I liked how you smiled.. you have a wonderful smile.. I haven't seen it much at all.. but I remember it vaugely and it's wonderful. It just makes everything hurt a little less.. it's like for a moment you forget all the pain, just so you can admire that smile.." He continued to stare down at her hands, he had them resting on his open palms, her own smaller palms resting face down on his. He let his thumbs stroke over the back of her hands as he looked up.
"But I also like how you make me feel when I hold you.. it's like.. it's like you won't let any one hurt me and I'm safe and I finally have a place that I can truly belong without feeling left out." He looked back down at her hands, finishing saying everything that just floated around his mind, not thinking about what he said.. simply telling her as it came to him.. maybe that'd help him remember.. he didn't realize those are the few exact reasons he had fallen in love with her.. they seemed so simple when he said them out load..
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..'I love you Catherine ... you deserve to know what it is about you that they love ... I do want to kiss you ... it's all I can think about ... You have beautiful eyes ... you have a wonderful smile.' She just stared at him for a moment, letting him take hold of her hands, letting him run his hands over her smooth skin, letting him say those things to her.
'No ...' She said suddenly, her eyes blinking twice her pupils hardening again ... he didn't love her ... did he think that by saying all this she'd sleep with him? ... that was why she was here wasn't it, her brows drew together worriedly.
'What do you want from me? Stop it, le'me go.' She jerked her hands free from his, her face angry and confused ... why was he acting this way ... no one had behaved like this around her before, she didn't understand. She shoved him aside roughly, scrambling off the end of the bed, crossing quickly to the door, her fingers tapping on the controll pad by the door, not realising that the red light meant she couldn't get out. She didn't want to be here with Riley.
'Le'me go, please I wanna go back, just take me back to my cell, leave me alone.' The pitch of her voice increased towards the end of her sentance. There were tears in her eyes, why was he doing this ... did he just want to torture her, she turned frantically back to the door as he approached, her fingers uselessly trying to prise the door open. 'Please.' Why was she getting so worked up ... why was he scaring her so much ... was he going to get angry and hurt her?
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..'No ...' He looked up at her, his smile instantly fading as he stared at her expression, what was wrong? Did he say something wrong, was he holding her too tightly, why was she staring at him like that?
'What do you want from me? Stop it, le'me go.' He stared dumbfounded as her hands where yanked from his, suddenly being pushed aside as she scrambled off the bed, his arm quickly reaching out for the wall to balance him. She looked so angry, he offended her.. he hurt her again.. he's frightened her.. He's never felt like this towards someone and he tries to tell her and she just.. she acts like he's about to rip her apart. It hurt so badly.. it felt like she had just ripped him apart.. he opened up to her and she just.. tore right through his core. Of course she didn't care.. how could any one care about him.. how could he have even assumed that she might have liked him..
'Le'me go, please I wanna go back, just take me back to my cell, leave me alone.' Slowly he turned his head, watching her grasping desperately at the panel in hopes of opening the door. Getting up from the bed, he wanted to try and calm her down, but moving towards her only made her more frightened, it was so painful just watching her try and pull open the door with her fingers.
'Please.' She was more then scared.. she was terrified of him.. what had he done to cause her to become so afraid of him? She wasn't this afraid a few minutes ago.. why was she doing this to him.. why was she hurting him like this.. if she didn't want him to love her she could just say that instead of screaming in fear and looking as if he was about to eat her alive. And to make things worse.. she was crying, why.. what did he do.. this was just so.. painfully hurtful..
"Please.. I-I'm sorry.. I thought.. you let me hold you.. I thought you might have felt.. I misunderstood, I'm sorry, please stop it.. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.. I'm sorry." He hid his face from her behind his hands, not wanting to see hers.. not wanting her to see how scared and upset he was over this.. He pulled away, quickly grabbing the pillow he had been holding before and hastily retreating into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. He slid down into a sitting position, mainly to avoid the reflection of himself in the mirror, his right hand quickly stroking away a stray tear, trying his best to stop his voice from sounding shaky and hurt.
"I'll still help you get free from here, but I won't ask you to take me with you, I swear, I'll stay here, I'll stay here and I'll never bother you again, never disturb you, I'll never hurt you, I'll never say anything to you again, I'm sorry, I'll never say anything, I promise.. I'll stay and you can go back to where you belong, and you'll never see me again, and I'll never try and find you, I promise, I'll stay away, I'll stay far away form you.. please.. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry.. I misunderstood.. I didn't mean to frighten you.. I'm sorry.." It hurt so much.. everything hurt, the thought that she'd want to never see him again, the thought of staying here until he died in some random assignment. Why did him telling her he loved her make her cry in fear of him? It wasn't fair... it wasn't ever fair... she should just go back to the school and tell everyone Riley died, and he'll just be Marc.. he'll be Marc up until Marc dies.. who knows who he'll be after that.. but Riley will play that part as well.. he'll keep playing his parts until he really does die.
"You just had to say your heart wasn't in it and I would have understood, I would have left you alone.. you didn't need to be like that.." It was easy to hear he was crying as he said that, which made him even more upset, because she had this gift.. this gift of making him shed tears.. She could make him feel like the happiest person alive.. or feel as if there was nothing left to live for.. He buried his face into the pillow, which he cuddled tightly, hiding away his teary eyes and trying to muffle the sounds of sobbing. It hurt because he loved her and he couldn't remember why and she was so hateful and frightened of him.. Why did he have to love her? Why did she have to be the one.. why couldn't he love someone else.. one of the girls that almost hovered around him.. why couldn't he love one of them.. why did he have to fall in love with the one person that hated him so much?
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
'Take me back ... please ... I don't wanna be here.' She said giving up on the door, turning around with her back towards the only exit of the room. Watching as he snatched up the pillow from the room and hurried away into what she presumed was the bathroom.
'Riley please let me go.' Her voice was chocked in sobs, her breath catching in her throat, making it hard for her to breath, her eyes staring at the locked door. 'Take me home, I don't wanna be here, le'me go ...please. I'm sorry I don't like you, I want Riley back, you don't even know my full name ....' There was a pause in which she just stood looking at the door he was hidden behind, tears running down her face. 'Don't do this to me ... you told me you hated me, you tried to shoot me and now you want me to belive that you love me. Why are you doing this to me?' She said, trying to use the back of her hands to whipe away the tears which were falling down from her glassy eyes. She didn't understand how she was feeling, half of her never wanted to see him again and the other part wanted to throw herself into his arms and never let go of him ... and the worst thing was knowing she'd made him cry ... again ... it was all she seemed to do nowerdays ... upset people. She stood not quite knowing what to do her whole attention focused on the closed door.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..'Riley please let me go.' Why was she begging him to let her go, he wasn't holding her here, he didn't force her in here, he just wanted to help.. he didn't mean to make her so scared..
'Take me home, I don't wanna be here, le'me go ...please. I'm sorry I don't like you, I want Riley back, you don't even know my full name ....' His head turned and stared towards the bathtub, he knew her whole name.. didn't he? It was Catherine.. Catherine.. who care's if he didn’t remember her whole name! He didn't fall in love with a name he fell in love with a person, or was that what he was doing wrong? ..Would she rather he loves her for her name, for how she looks, for simple shallow reasons? He couldn't love someone like that.. what was the point of calling it love if all she had to do was change her name and then the reason he loved her would disappear..
'Don't do this to me ... you told me you hated me, you tried to shoot me and now you want me to believe that you love me. Why are you doing this to me?' But that was before she gave him his memories, that was before she woke the ghost that lingered inside him.. how can she do that to him and not expect him to change? He threw the pillow at the mirror, standing as it fell into the sink, stepping towards his own reflection that seemed so unfamiliar to him.. He turned around and stared at the door, his eyes hurt.. more then just from being upset, he was also tired.. emotionally, physically.. he was just so exhausted..
'Riley please let me go....I want Riley back.' He clenched his fists, how come she calls him Riley, and then asks for Riley to come back, maybe he was Riley.. maybe he was and he just didn't remember how to act like it. He seemed to growl in frustration as he moved towards the door, swinging it open as he then hurried over to his desk. Pulling open a draw, he then withdrew a small wooden box, he normally used it to store his gun, however he had that in his vest, which was in the cell room still. Turning about he approached Catherine, ignoring her reactions towards him all together as he held the box with both hands in front of her.
"They didn't lock you in here with me Catherine, Joan locked me in here with you, I'm the prisoner, I'm the one that's being kept in here.." He informed her, not really caring if she believed him or not.. he was more focused on trying not to terrify her again.
They say memories are a big part of a person's personality, you want Riley back, maybe I am Riley Catherine, maybe I am him but I don't remember the things that made him who he was... I don't remember them yet, but I'll keep trying.." He opened the box, showing her the contents, his new ID card for Marc Lucas, four needles easily seen within the other items that belonged to the 'new and improved' Agent.
"This is Marc Lucas.. this is all he his.. this is all he can ever be." His right hand moved from holding the dark wooden box, leaving his left hand to hold it while his other hand pressed firmly over his heart, his eyes stubbornly locking with hers and not letting her look away from his gaze.
"But this is Riley.. I'm looking at you Catherine and it's like you can't see me, what did you expect, you give me glimpses of our past memories and I'll be back to normal?" He dropped the box to the floor rather casually as he turned around, returning to his draws, but this time pulling out one of his grey shirts and slipping it on as he returned towards the door. He moved past her, reaching for the panel simply letting his fingers rest beside it as he studied the device, mumbling to himself as he tried to ignore the pain that kept stabbing the core of his chest..
"What do I want from you.. I thought that would have been obvious.. my codes won't open it, and I doubt we'd get far if I tried to over ride the system.. just wait for them to get you." He pushed himself away from the wall and moved towards his bed, throwing back the sheets and sitting down on it, still looking extremely upset over everything.
"I wanted you to want me to want you, I wanted you to want me to hold you, to want me to kiss you, to want me to be there next to you." He removed his shirt again as he talked, signalling he planned on laying down to sleep, placing it on his knee as he neatly folded it, making sure to pat out the creases before placing it on the table next to his bed. His hand reached for the pillow as if he was about to pick up something, his eyes staring at his hand and then at the empty pillow. His hand stroked over it, trying to remember why he felt there should be something there.. there was something missing.. He looked back towards Catherine, though he stared at the ground by her feet instead of looking at her in the eyes.
"I have an assignment right after lunch, I'm tired, I want to get some sleep with the spare few hours I have, would you mind...?" He trailed off for a moment, frowning hurtfully as he fiddled with the blanket he picked up in his hands while he talked.
"..No one's ever been afraid of me as much as you are.. it frightens me." He didn't understand what he had done before to cause her to become so scared of him.. one moment he was telling her why he liked her the next she was staring at him as if he was going to do something terrible.
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..
She stood still looking confused ... she didn't understand what he wanted from her, she looked down at the box ... he wasn't Marc anymore, but yet at the same time he wasn't Riley ... so who was he? She glanced up at him as he sat down on the bed, tears still on her cheeks, she looked back away.
'No ... No I don't mind.' She backed off slightly, turning away, not wanting to look at him anymore, not wanting to see the hurt she'd put in his eyes. Why was this happening? she felt so terribly awful inside, like there was a gaping hole where her heart should have been. She stared into space for a moment and then without looking back went and sat at the desk, her feet drawn up to her chest.
She looked at the computer with a small spark of hope but one quick glance behind it confirmed that the internet plug had been removed, someone must have thought she might try and contact people. Her eye caught sight of the corner of something shoved into the waste paper bin, with a quick glance back at the figure of Riley she reached down and pulled it out.
Cat looked down at the picture of both herself and her freinds, her fingers reaching out to stroke the glass affectionatley, wishing with all her broken heart that she could be back there when everything was so simple rather than locked in here.
Why did being around Riley make her so nervous? She hugged the picture a little closer to her ... why was this picture here? Cat hunched up miserably in the chair ... this must be Jon's room too, she glanced across fearfully at the unkempt bed. What if they locked her in here with Jon when Riley left, her breath was choaked by sobs, she wanted to go home ... as far from here as she possibly could.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..
Trying to ignore her, so she could feel as if he was giving her space, Riley laid down and stared up at the ceiling, but he could still hear her choking back her tears. He shut his eyes and turned to face the wall, putting his back to her and trying to shut out her pain. He could still hear her, turning again onto his back he turned his head slightly towards her, why did he make her so afraid, what had he done wrong.. after all, she got rid of Marc.. Although he had to admit, he still felt easily angered and it took all his will to stop himself from breaking apart, though it was easier and easier to control the longer he was without the needles..
He frowned at that thought.. he really was a captive here.. Catherine had said before that he was as much a prisoner as she was.. she was right. He didn't like that idea, he didn't like the thought he was being forced to stay here, and he didn't like the thought that Joan might be keeping Catherine because she saw Riley's face and that's why they are putting her through all this. His thoughts where pulled from their worries as he once again hears the quiet sobbing of Catherine, why did she order him to leave her alone and then force him to sit here and listen to her pain?
He eventually sat up when he couldn't handle ignoring her any more, if she was going to scream at him, fine, he didn't care, but he wasn't going to let her make him feel this bad because she didn't want anything to do with him. Grabbing up his shirt, Riley slowly slipped it on as then he gently took hold of the blanket and stood up, taking a step towards her and knelling before her. Part of him hoped she wouldn't panic if he sat low by her feet instead of towering over her, he wrapped it around her shoulders. He looked over the tears that stained her cheeks, he began to reach up so his hand could stroke the tears away, but he quickly stopped and instead picked up a corner of the blanket.. she didn't want him touching her as far as he was aware.. But he couldn't just sit here and watch this.. he felt so helpless.. he lightly brushed away the moisture from her cheeks with the soft fabric before wrapping it back around her and then letting his hands move away from her, though he continued to sit on his knees before her. She made it clear she didn't like him.. but he still cared about her.. and he couldn't just ignore this.. how dare she even think he could sleep with her sobbing away in pain right nearby.. how heartless did she think him?
"Please don't cry.. I know you want to go home, and I'm working on it, I am, I've already started organising it with Graham.. I'm going to get you out of here.. just.. I need time.. I'm sorry.. it's just so hard.. but I'm trying, I am.. I'll get you home some how, I promise." He was being honest, he tried to lift up her hopes, but he also worried that he'd get her hopes up and fail her again.. He wasn't sure what she would like him to say.. he wasn't sure what she wanted him to do.. he was so afraid he'd try and help her some how and she'd just burst into another panic.
"Please don't cry.. it hurts watching you cry.. are you hungry? Do you want a drink? I can try and get you new clothes, please.. I don't want to hurt you, and I'm sorry I have, I'm sorry I frighten you, I'm not trying to.. I'm sorry.. I'm not sure what you want.. I don't understand what I had done before to make you so afraid.. If you tell me what I did wrong, I won't do it again, I apologise.." He looked away as if he thought just looking at her was enough to scare her, he wish he understood what she wanted from him, he wished he knew what he could do to make her feel better without making her feel so terrible and afraid.
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..'I'm going to get you out of here.. just.. I need time.. I'm sorry.. it's just so hard.. but I'm trying, I am.. I'll get you home some how, I promise.' She felt him brush away the tears on her cheeks with the corner of the soft fabirc. She lifted the back of her hands to try and whipe away the remaning water in her eyes.
'You promise?' She said taking a steadying breath and making an effort to stop crying, she didn't know what to do ... what if Jon came back ...
Half of her wanted just to hurl herself into his arms but her other side only wanted him to go away. She stared down at him for a moment her eyes bright and shinning again with unshead tears.
'Please don't cry.. it hurts watching you cry.. are you hungry? Do you want a drink? I can try and get you new clothes, please.. I don't want to hurt you, and I'm sorry I have, I'm sorry I frighten you, I'm not trying to.. I'm sorry.. I'm not sure what you want.. I don't understand what I had done before to make you so afraid.. If you tell me what I did wrong, I won't do it again, I apologise...'
She looked at him, seeing or sensing something of Riley in the speach he'd just given. She moved suddenly, shifting her position from the chair, landing gently with her knees either side of his legs so she was almost sitting on him. Her head pressed against his broad cheast, her smalll hands scruntching up the front material of his t-shirt. Her face was burried against the broad, wide expanse of his cheast, she was whsipering something mumbled into his front.
'Don't go Riley, don't leave me.' Almost as if if she clung to him she could bring him back, the top of her head rested against his chin, her soft hair against his skin.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile
(ooc- Gee.. I was really upset with my brothers and then I got all bored and was left offline for a while and my post just jumped from one thing to another and has a lot of talking on Riley's behalf... Sorry for that, it's not very nice to have so much in one post, but I'm too exhausted to edit it properly and just want to go to bed >_<, feel free to reply to what he says with Catherine, and then I might edit this post if needed to help you out, feel free to NPC Riley's movements if you need to for some reason as well! Sorry again!)
The first thing that struck Riley as her body dropped in front of him was that Catherine was so mad at him touching her she was going to try and hurt him. He grew tense, ready to take any assault of flying fists, but not willing to try and fight back, simply trying to remain as still as possible as she vented out her anger. But no fists came, only the sudden press of her teary face against his chest, the feel of her hands taking hold of him, when she spoke, he felt as if she expected him to just get up and walk off on her.
Why was she holding him? Why was one minute he not allowed to be near her, his very presence frightening her, and now her hands grabbed hold of him so desperately. He was scared.. what if he did something that would frighten her again? His arms hovered at his side, half ready to take hold of her, half seeming to keep their distance, he wished he understood her.. he wished he understood why she was always changing her mind on things.. Closing his eyes, Riley simply let her hold him for a moment, all thoughts clearing his mind as his arms gently wrapped around her. His chin shifted positions, tenderly stroking against her hair until his cheek was resting in its former place.
"I don't want to go.." He admitted quietly, almost as if he was just realizing it, he never wanted to leave her.. it's why he was so torn apart when she told him to leave her alone. His arms had this strength about them, he was holding her firmly, yet so carefully, so tenderly, as if stopping anyone from stealing her from him, yet making it able for her to pull free at the first sign of discomfort she felt. His right arm disappeared from her back, resting lightly against the back of her head moments later. It's always been the way Riley's hugged, touch was important for him, it's why he felt so alone with Claire.. she never really let him hold her, but this wasn't the first time Riley's been able to hold Catherine like this..
"..I never want to leave you." The devotion in his voice took even Riley by surprise, his eyes opened, even though he stopped himself from making even the slightest flinch. She got upset when Riley told her he had feelings towards her, and she was upset enough as it was without him adding even more to it. Part of him wished he could just shut off what he felt for her.. just shut it all out so he'd never make her upset or afraid of him again. But another part never wanted to let it slip away.. he's never felt like this and just the fact she was holding onto him now made him feel so terrible.. because it made him feel wanted.. it made him feel.. as if someone might actually care about him.. He felt so selfish, what right did he have in taking comfort in her arms while she was in pain like this? He wished his arms could help wash away her pains like her touch seemed to do to him..
"I promise." The assurance in his voice told her how serious he was.. but what was he promising to? That he never wanted to leave her.. or that he was going to help her escape without him.. That's what he had said before wasn't it? That if he hurt her by being near her, then he wouldn't ask her to take him with them back to where ever it was she was going. She didn't belong here.. and he always hurt her.. if him staying behind will stop him hurting her then that's what he wanted to do. Picturing Catherine cooped up in the cell again caused him to frown unhappily, he was upset over her mistreatment, being locked up with demons.. they shouldn't be treating her like this..
"Would you allow me to ask for permission to remove you from your cell for short periods of time? It means I'd ask Commander Halliwell for permission to, in a sense, escort you about the base, give you a chance to move around.. it's not healthy for you to stay in there." He was upset that they even had the nerve to put her in there in the first place, he'd give anything to have her taken out, even if it would mean he'd lose his memory again..
"Graham needs at least another day or two, you're not eating and I don't want you to get sick before I can get you out of here.. the food we are given isn't drugged, what's the point, that's what the needles are for. I could get you a uniform so you could pass as another agent to the others. No one will treat you any differently, only a handful will know who you really are." This level had a lot of things that would hopefully keep her active and stop her from becoming bored and growing sick with depression.. But was taking her for walks really going to cheer her up?
"We're only allowed on this floor, we're underground, and all exits are guarded by both agents and high security.. we're trapped here until Graham can do what he needs to do to get around that." The vague explanation hinted that Riley wasn't the most trusting he could be with the privacy of his room, or that it was so delicate that he wasn't either aware of what his friend was doing or that he didn't want to risk saying it out loud, even to her.
"I know it isn't much.. but it'll help pass the time, when I return from my next assignment in just two hours I can take you to get something to eat for lunch. And then I have low-level fitness class.. we just do stretches, simple things, you'd be allowed to take part in the group if you wish, and there are only 5 or 6 others. It'll give you a chance to stretch your muscles.. it'll also give me the chance to show you which direction you'll have to take if anything happens to me and for some reason I can't get you all the way to the garage myself." He spoke the last part a lot more quietly then the rest of what he had been saying. Part of him wondered why he had jumped onto this topic, was he really that afraid he had offended her earlier with having said he never wanted to leave her? And now he finishes it all off with telling her there was a chance he'd be taken from her side before he got to finish what he had earlier promised to do for her. He couldn't just leave it there.. he had to add why he thought something might happen to him..
"It's going to be a fight to get you to the garage Catherine, I'm going to give you my vest and hopefully my helmet, they're bullet proof, it'll give you a bit of protection. I want you to run.. most of the agents will be behind us, I'll try and hold them off, but with the implant.." He trailed off, knowing she'd understand the pain he'd go through trying to fight the other agents. His hands quickly moved to her shoulders, an almost desperate pleading look within his eyes as he looked eye-to-eye with her.
"Promise me Catherine.. you won't let anything stop you from getting to the garage.. promise me... even if they turn me back into that monster.. say you won't let me stop you.. if I'm all that's between you and your freedom, please.. don't.." He leaned his head forward slowly, resting it on her shoulder as his voice became partially broken, he went silent for a moment, taking small breaths as he regained his voice.
"I'd give my life for your freedom Catherine.. I'd give everything.. anything.. just don't let me hurt you if they drug me again, because I still remember, I still see what's happening.. I just can't do anything.. and I scream, and I shout.. and I cry.. but only on the inside.. no one can hear me on the outside, even I can't hear myself.." His arms left her shoulder, once again wrapping around her upper back, he was going to say he couldn't hear himself.. but he could always hear her, he could hear her so clearly.. But as soon as he thought that, he pulled gently away from her, leaning back slightly and straightening his posture. He stared at her for a moment, but then dropped his gaze almost shamefully down to his knees to avoid her eyes.
"I'm sorry Catherine.. I can't.. you're upset and I'm trying to be here for you, I want to give you a shoulder to lean on and help comfort you, but I can't hold you.. I can't do that to you.. because I'm not holding you just as a friend, I'm not holding you just to comfort you, I'm holding you because I love you, I want to hold you until there's no more tears and no more pain, I'm not able to just hold you and feel nothing.. and it's wrong of me because you've already told me to stop but I can't and I apologise for being unable to do as you have asked me. He shut his eyes, rubbing them very lightly with his fingers, he was tired, this was all so draining, being so close to her, yet not allowed to be close to her. Opening his eyes, Riley glanced about the room, not really looking for anything, simply taking a chance to recover.. but it wasn't working, Catherine was still there.. Looking back at her, he gave the faintest of smiles, though his eyes remained sad, struggling as best they could to remained focused on hers without pulling away in discomfort.. or was he afraid of what she might say?
"Please.. don't let me hold you while I feel like this.. because there are times where I don't think I'm strong enough to let go, and it's not fair on you for me to do that to you. But I can sit here with you, I can talk with you, I can be silent and just keep you company... you can even tell me if you liked the present I got for your birthday last week." He only remembered about her present as he spoke, it kinda just came out, but honestly.. Riley had been fretting over her gift, did she like horses, could she ride, would she want to ride with them? Would she rather jewellery? He may have read a lot about her back then, none of which he remembered right now, but that didn't tell him what she'd like. He just figured it'd be fun.. he didn't realize Lisa had a fear of being on top of horses, he knew she was a little fidgety around them, but he didn't realize how bad it was.. after all, he loves them, he couldn't imagine someone not loving horse riding..
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..
She felt her body snuggle down slightly against his as his arms wrapped around her, she liked this feeling ... it was nice ... comforting ... she wished she could feel like this all the time. But she was so confused about what she wanted, one minute she was sure she wished to be with him and the next she could remember the way those other men had held her and looked at her ... and this man who was holding her wasn't really Riley ... it just looked like him.
'Would you allow me to ask for permission to remove you from your cell for short periods of time? It means I'd ask Commander Halliwell for permission to, in a sense, escort you about the base, give you a chance to move around.. it's not healthy for you to stay in there.' She nodded, her head still burried in his chest ... why did she have to go back in that horrid place anyway she just wanted to stay here with Riley, couldn't they just go home now? why wern't the initiative letting her go.
'Why won't they let me go, I don't wanna eat it.' She said grumpily to his front. She was thirsty again though, and she was hungry ... but after seeing Riley being drugged before she wasn't about to eat anything.
Then he was talking about their escape ... so he was willing to help her? ... but she had to bring him too, she couldn't go back to the others knowing he was still here.
'Please.. don't let me hold you while I feel like this.. because there are times where I don't think I'm strong enough to let go, and it's not fair on you for me to do that to you. But I can sit here with you, I can talk with you.'
She leaned her forehead against his chest, her warm breath penetrating the fabric of his top.
'Please come back.' She appealed to his chest, remembering Joan's words it would take an extreme emotional thing for even the smallest effect. Her breathing quietened slightly and even became somewhat thoughtful, her hands detatching from the front of his shirt ... reaching for the belt of his jeans.
'I can bring you back, I know I can ... let me try.' She said, her words still slightly muffled as her innocent hands fumbled with the catch, was her heart beating faster? her palms were suddenly very sweaty.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..'Please come back.' He couldn't respond, he didn't know how, he didn't understand.. he hasn't gone anywhere yet.. unless.. she was still calling for her Riley, she still didn't think of him as Riley.. He felt sad thinking that.. he was trying so hard and yet she was ignoring his attempts of trying to be himself.. he wished he knew more about himself to help pull it off.. But he was pretty focused on the warm breath that was washing over his chest as she breathed to bother thinking about his past right now. Suddenly her breathing became unusual, he thought he was holding her too tightly and she was having trouble taking in air properly, but as he moved his arms gently away, her own hands reached down for his belt that wrapped around his waist.
'I can bring you back, I know I can ... let me try.' What was she doing? He didn't understand how removing his belt could help-.. it suddenly clicked what she was about to do, his entire body grew tense as he took in a panicked breath and grabbed her hands with his own. He continued to stare at his belt as he raised her hands level with his chest, why where his hands trembling like this? Well he had to ignore the slight shivers of panic running through him because he had more important things to think about. He looked up at her, finally able to tear his eyes away from the partly undone belt, he tried to hide his confusion as he talked..
"What are... this isn't... I haven't..." He stopped speaking, unable to form a whole sentence it was little point in trying to talk. He raised her hands gently against his forehead as he slowly breathed in and out, trying to calm down the panic that had swelled inside of him. After a moment, he placed her hands together, holding both of hers within both of his before slowly taking hold of each hand. He lightly stroked his thumbs over the back of her hands as he looked back up at her, he didn't understand why she had jumped from one extreme of being afraid to him to then wanting to make love to him.. no.. she didn't want to make love, she just.. she just wanted to sleep with him, like Clair had tried so many times. He didn't want to sleep with someone if he wasn't sure they loved him, and right now, he wasn't sure about anything, did Catherine even like him, that's not what she had said before.
"...Is that why you think I said I loved you..?" He looked hurt, his voice quiet, was that how shallow she thought him, that he only wanted her because of something she could give him instead of how she makes him feel?
"..I'm not like that Catherine, I can't, I wouldn't even know what to do, I've never done that, I've never even felt what it's like to feel attracted to a girl, I've never found anyone Catherine, ever.. I don't want to do it like this.. don't you remember what I said in that Apartment? 'If only we could find that one person that could mean the world to us?' Right now I think I found that person in you, but.. I don't know because you keep saying different things to me, I don't even know if you like me. What you where about to do was take away the part of me I want to give to that one person, I want her to be my only one Catherine, I want her to know that she is my first, she is my only, she is my world." He dropped his gaze after speaking, but quickly looked back up at her, he never told anyone that, he never really thought about it before.. not like that. His right hand slipped from hers and raised slowly to her face, his palm resting against her cheek as he spoke again, the urge of importance and truth in his words unmistakable.
"Catherine when I say I love you, it's not because I want something from you, when I say I love how you make me feel, it's not because I want you to make me feel some certain way, when I say I love holding you, it's not because of the way you look. Don't you understand? Catherine, I've already fallen in love with you.. I'm in love with you because you give me something simply by smiling, you make me feel special only by being nearby, you make me seem wanted for the first time just by letting me hold you." He had to wonder.. really.. what was going on? He was devoted to her more then even he realized and she was continuously changing her mind on how she felt towards him. But.. why would she want to do this.. surely that meant she felt something.. but what if she was doing what Joan does.. just sleeping with whomever in order to feel the pleasure of what it's meant to bring.. but that didn't sound at all like Catherine.. he knew there was another reason.
"Catherine.. before you said I don't even know your name.." He reached up, taking hold of a pen and piece of paper, he put it on his knees and began writing out her name.
"But I didn't fall in love with this.." He held it up for her to see 'Catherine Anne Hall', she never told him her middle name, but he's written it out so many times in his reports that his hand knew it better then his memory. Riley dropped the paper back onto the table and then gently rested his hand over her heart.
"I fell in love with this.. with you.. if I loved your name, then as soon as you changed your name, wouldn't I just stop loving you. If I fell in love with just how you looked, I'd stop loving you as soon as you grew old.. but that's not what's going to happen, I love your name, and I want to say it everyday of my life, but if you change it, I'll still love you. If you grow old, I'll still love you, Catherine, if you tear me apart and break my heart.. I'd still love you.. I'd love you because it's still you." The sincerity in his words, they way he spoke, he was amazed just how much he believed everything he had said, he really did, his never felt that he's spoken so honestly before.. His hand left the beating rhythm of her heart and brushed aside some of the hair that framed the right side of her face. But suddenly he paused, he remembered why he loved her.. and he remembered her whole name.. didn't he say he didn't want to kiss her until he remembered why he had fallen for her? He let his fingers glide from her forehead down lightly over her smooth skin to her cheek again, before stroking her hair gently behind her ear.
"Catherine.. I remember you." The happiness in the whisper was almost full of pride, he didn't even try to remember, he just did, and it’s like just being around something familiar was helping him remember what was forgotten. His arms affectionatly pulled her closer to him as he held her once again, his hand gently resting her head against his shoulder as he allowed her to rest close against his body. What did she think would happen if she had tried to sleep with him.. 'I can bring you back, I know I can ... let me try.' Did she really want him to get all his memories back that much, how would it help, he didn't understand what would make her think doing such a thing would help bring him all his memories that where being blocked away.
But he was remembering things, only they where mostly all involving Catherine, or things to do with the Initiative, he didn't want her to give part of herself to him in a such a way if she really didn't want it.. He would refuse to allow her to do something like that just because she wanted to help him, the stubborness in his thoughts came into his arms as he held her more firmly once again, his usual stronge yet tender grasp. He wouldn't let her hurt herself to help him, and he wouldn't let her make him use her to help him, he wasn't going to do such a thing.. he loved her..
"First you have to feel love, if it's not inside of you it's not going to work, then you have to show it, if you don't show that you love me, then how am I going to know for sure how you feel? Only when you've done those Catherine can you really ask me to make love to you, only when I know what it's like to hold your hand, when I know what it's like to hold you, only when I know what it's like to kiss you, to fall asleep and then wake up with you in my arms. I need to know all these before I can give you the part of me that no one else will ever have.." Part of him felt as if he was apologising to her for not giving her what she seemed to ask from him before, but he felt he had to explain why he couldn't.. it wasn't anything to do with her and he worried she'd think that he was rejecting her for some reason.. he was confused still.. she didn't want him to be near her early, but she would want to touch him, want him to touch her in ways that he couldn't even think of right now. Resting his cheek lightly against her forehead as he talked, he then shifted it, replacing his cheek with his lips, lovingly pressing them tenderly down against the her forehead before moving them away and putting his cheek back against her warm skin.
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..
She looked up at him as he stroked both of his thumbs over the backs of her hands, her eyes glancing down at his larger hands then back up at his face again, confusion in her dark eyes ... didn't he want to be Riley again? Didn't he want her? Her eyes saddly regarded the backs of his palms ... she didn't understand this, why wouldn't he let her bring proper Riley back.
'I'm not like that Catherine, I can't, I wouldn't even know what to do, I've never done that, I've never even felt what it's like to feel attracted to a girl, I've never found anyone Catherine, ever.. I don't want to do it like this.' She stared rather hard at the back of his hands ... she didn't quite understand what he was saying ... she culture she lived in had little time left for such sentimentality. She wasn't sure why he was refusing her ... she'd never made a move before to do anything like this and the fact he was rebuffing her advances hurt. If Nina liked someone she'd sleep with them and she didn't worry about what Riley was implying ... did that make Nina a bad person for what she did? or was Riley wrong for what he was saying? She felt her knees begin to ache as they pressed into the ground ... she was very close to him, her body ached for him to touch her, she wanted to press her hands against his chest again but she wanted it to be Riley's chest not whoever was holding, however this stanger looked and felt like Riley.
'What you where about to do was take away the part of me I want to give to that one person, I want her to be my only one Catherine, I want her to know that she is my first, she is my only, she is my world.' She looked up at him rather blankly ... what was he going on about? It was just phsyical intimacy ... wasn't it. He said in one breath that he loved her and the next he told her he didn't want to sleep with her.
'I don't understand.' She said rather folornly, feeling as though she were missing out on something.
'I'm in love with you.' It didn't seem as frightening this time ...but then if he didn't want her body what did he want? Her eyes looked into his again as she spoke.
'What do you want from me? Why won't you let me help you?' She said looking up at his face for a moment then back away again, so he could only see her mane of entwined golden and brown hair. How did he know he loved her? He hardly knew her. She stared at her name he'd just written in his neat copperplate handwriting her eyes travelling upto his.
'How do you know my full name? ...' There was a short pause. 'I've never told it to anyone at Xaviers.' There was something almost accusing in her gaze for the briefest of moments before she looked away down at his partly undone belt. Why didn't he just do what she asked, Jon and Brad had no problemssleeping with random women ... why was he so inhibited?
'Catherine.. I remember you.' She blinked and looked up into his eyes ... what was he saying? He could remember everything? or was it just her? She opened her mouth to ask him this but different words came out.
'How do I tell when your Riley again?' She felt his arms slip around her once more, pulling her close against him, there was something so different about the way he held her now, each time before he'd been drugged or injured and there was a big difference now. She felt so safe here, half sitting on half crouched over his legs, his arms pulling her protectivley close to him.
'But she said emotional stimulus could bring you back.' She said in rather muffled tones, still feeling the ghostly impression of his lips on her forehead. Her hands dropping again to mess with the silver button on his jeans, wondering if she should just undo it.
Don't frown, you never know who might be falling in love with your smile
Re: The Ghost within the Machine..'What do you want from me?' Hadn't she already asked that.. and hadn't he already answered it? 'I wanted you to want me to want you, I wanted you to want me to hold you, to want me to kiss you, to want me to be there next to you.' He just wanted her to.. he wanted her to love him.. he wanted her to be in love with him..
'How do I tell when you're Riley again?' How was he supposed to know that answer.. no, he did know it, he was Riley, now, he was Riley as long as he was off those needles, he just couldn't remember.. Why couldn't she accept that, why was it so important for her to brand him as either Riley or not Riley.. he felt like Riley.. so he was Riley, and he will always be Riley.. as long as he avoided those needles..
'But she said emotional stimulus could bring you back.' ..'Emotional stimulus', that's all.. that's what she was going to call what she was about to do.. stimulus? His eyes sadly watched her hands once again reach for his jeans, her fingers fumbling with his button. He wasn't sure why he was so unhappy with this.. he loved her, why was it bothering him so much that she wanted to do this..
"What are you doing Catherine... Riley's not down there.." Even though he watched her hands as he spoke, he made no effort to stop her any more, he was so upset with this, it was hurting him, he didn't understand why she was doing this.
"He's in here, he's right here, I'm right here and no one wants to be here with me.." Riley placed his hand over his heart, the feel of his heart's rapid beating pounding against the palm of his hand.
"..What can I do to make you love me, what can I do to make you care? I don't know Catherine.. I don't understand either.. why won't anyone listen to me.. why won't anyone just sit with me, why won't they care about me.. why won't they love me.. I want you to love me Catherine.. you asked what I wanted.. I want you to be in love with me.. I want to stop being alone, I want people to stop using me.." He went quiet for a bit as he stared back down at her hands, her hands, his stomach tingled almost painfully, causing his thigh, chest and arm muscles to tense and relax as he tried to talk. He didn't know what to do, when he talked again his eyes had closed and his voice sounded almost defeated.
"I'm upset because no one has ever wanted to try and get to know me." He looked up at her, a glassy look about his eyes though no tears where insight, what he said was very true, anyone who has ever approached him rarely attempted to get to know who he was, and the few who have tried to learn about him, haven't been the type he could settle down with..
"But I've never felt this way towards someone before.. I'm so tired.. I just want to surrender to you Catherine, I want to give up and let you.. I don't know what you would call this.. because if it doesn't involve love.. then it's not right to call this making love, or love making.. or loving each other.." He whispered quietly as he avoided her eyes by staring down at his lap, not really paying any attention to anything, just staring blankly..
"..I could hear them whisper, Max and his friends.. it made me feel as if there was something wrong with me.. I wish I never said I hadn't ever slept with someone before.. they never left me alone." He thought of the conversation that had taken part in the changing rooms before one of their sport and fitness classes. Riley hadn't really been part of the convo, but Jake, one of the loud mouths that hang around Max, had bragged on how many girls he had taken to his room for the past two weeks. He had turned his attention to Riley, who had been quietly ignoring them and focusing on changing, when asked, Riley answered truthfully.. much to his regrate later when they started commenting on the matter.. calling him names and just simply embarrassing him around others..
"Catherine.. if there's no emotion in what you're about to do, then how can it help.. if you don't love me then this.. what ever you're trying to do, it won't work. If you don't love me, there's no emotion, if there's no emotion, there's no emotional stimulus.. please don't do this to me.. not if you don't love me." The ending sounded more of a plea, because he loved her so much the more time he spent with her that he might not be able to keep fighting for what he really wants.. if she wants him to do this, he might do it just for her.. and he didn't want that.. he didn't want that at all.
"I love you enough to give up everything I believe in Catherine.. do you care enough about me to ask yourself.. 'Do I love him?' And when you think of the answer.. are you brave enough to tell me?" Once again Riley's hands gently took hold of Catherine's smaller ones, he lightly placed them on his shoulders before leaning forward. His left hand wrapped around her waist, pulling her slender form right up against him, his right hand supported his body on the ground beside him as he shifted position, his legs pulling out from under him. Sliding backwards, his back resting against the bed as he drew up his knees, they gently pressed against Catherine's back after his left arm moved away from the curve in her hips.
Although at first thought it might be assumed he could have done this because his legs where going numb, possibly even one could assume he did it just to have Catherine closer against him.. but in truth.. in this position.. it was much harder for her wondering hands to get to his button and zip. If she sat on them, Riley felt slightly safer that his pants weren't going to be torn off him suddenly.
He waited for her reply.. wanting to hear what she had come to or if she even bothered thinking over how she felt towards him. How can she try to do this to him and yet seem to emotionless.. so cold or even lifeless towards what she was about to do. He wished he understood her ideas on what love was.. it might make this a whole lot simpler.. maybe she needed to feel touch to show love.. since he wasn't ready for what she wanted.. maybe he could try giving her something that he was ready to do.. that he was ready to share with her..
He looked up at her, his right hand reaching up and resting against her cheek, then slowly moving to the side of her head, his fingers tucking just under her ear near her neck, hidden away by some of her hair, his left hand rested lightly on the curve in her left hip. Leaning forward, his lips gently touched her own, the soft, warming sensation lasting only moments before he slowly pulled them away. They didn't drift too far from her, as if drawn back by some unseen force, Riley softly pressed his lips against her own once again. The innocence in his kiss, the simple touch, all these things telling Catherine just how inexperienced - yet highly affectionate - he was when it came to these matters..
Riley: So, tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go 'hmm.'
oh and I think I'm ill so sorry if I vannish for a while 
Topic Commands
Click to receive email notification of replies
Click to stop receiving email notification of replies
