All in all the day had gone better than he could have hoped for. Though to be honest that wasn’t saying much. *That’s not true* Scott chastised himself stubbornly.* After all you did it, didn’t you? You took that deep breath and stepped back into the sidelines when you had to. Though it hurt like hell.* Retirement! Not something you normally hit at his age. Unless you were a sportsman or an athlete that was! Then your sell by date came and went at thirty! So all in all he should have been grateful to have held on this long because god alone knew, he was as much an athlete as any of those taking part in the Olympic Games. And each time he competed his life was on the line.

Ahh if it had only been his life he’d still have been out there, no matter what. But it wasn’t, was it .He was part of a team, the leader, the one who had always to set an example. And now he was a liability. *Damn it!* It tore his guts out to admit that. But the time for self denial was over. This attack had brought that home with a vengeance, leaving him no choice but to step down. In a way he supposed he should have been thankful that it’s after effects left him obliged retire. Still.. he would have liked to think that he could have done things on his own terms and not just because his right arm was now sitting crippled and useless in a sling.

*Shit!* Scott didn’t swear often even in his thoughts, a side effect of living with two telepaths, but he did so now. If it had only been that handicap then they could have worked round it. *Take the arm! I can do without it and still fight! But the pain…..* That was the real enemy . The one neither he nor Hank seemed capable of keeping totally at bay. Though, thank god, Beast had at least found some sort of shield against it. That was what kept him from his wife’s side on this night when all he wanted to do was be with her. The need for those protective drugs! Even if the thought of confronting her was far from being an easy one!

He should have told her before. That much was clear. She was strong enough to handle it after all. She was strong enough to have borne him a son, strong enough to destroy galaxies. But he had been selfish, just this once putting his own needs before those of others. Wanting to hold onto the few dwindling months of normality that in theory had lain ahead of them! For he had wasted so many! Fighting for a dream that Xavier had shown him and which had rapidly become his own. No their own! Both his and Jean’s! He would never belittle her commitment to the cause. She had given and given, risking life and sanity time after time to battle their enemies. Taking the time out from team missions to raise a son, knowing that Scott would keep on fighting while she did so! Finally doing what she had been trained to do, stepping into Charles place when he had fallen. And all of it with a dignity he couldn’t hope to equal.

And now he had let her down. That was what it amounted to in his heart; even if his logical mind tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault. Except that logic didn’t apply where Jean was concerned! It never had. Otherwise the scrawny geek that he had once been would never even have dared to hope that one day she might notice him. But she had, against all the odds, and that was a miracle he would always give thanks for. She had saved him. Given him a reason to live as a man as well as an X man! And that would ultimately be his salvation even now.


“You did well today” Hank told him, taking the needle out of his arm. “But then again I expected nothing less.” “You’re a good liar” Scott said with a smile, trying to hide the pain he was feeling but knowing that he failed.” We both know that only your drugs kept me together. Which is Ok by me….as long as they can keep on doing it.” It wasn’t quite a plea but Hank knew him well enough to realise it was the closest he would ever come to one. “They will, my friend” he told Scott “And if they don’t then I will find something else . But for tonight this should be enough.” They didn’t have to say anything else. They were both men and now they both had women waiting for them in their beds. Women they didn’t want to disappoint.

*I just need to be able to touch her To hold her close* Scott thought desperately *To be able to let her touch me.* It wasn’t much to ask for. And yet it was everything. And if Hank could grant him that even for one night then he would be forever in his debt! Scott drew a deep breath, already feeling the pain begin recede slightly as the drugs took hold. “I’ll take your word for that” Cyclops said rising carefully from the chair he had been seated in. “ Does Jean have a money back guarantee?” Humour! Unexpected from Scott perhaps, apart from those who knew him well! As Hank did! And despite the tragedy of the situation he rose to the bait. “Parts only I’m afraid.” he said straight faced. “What you chose to do with them is entirely up to you.”

Scott laughed outright, a sound that was all Hank could have hoped for as a reward for his efforts! “I’ll try my best Just don’t expect a blow by blow account tomorrow.” Cyclops stretched out his hand to his friend accepting its strength as he readied himself to depart. “Anyway …have a good night!” “That I will strive to do” Beast replied ” If you will do the same!” Scott smiled and left, exonerating his team-mate from any responsibility in his heart. Knowing that it would be hard for Hank to accept it in reality! Though maybe easier now that he had found love.

Strange, that of all those volatile personalities in the Institute it was the clinical, logical Scott who was perhaps the best placed to understand what Hank had experienced during that split second when he had met Zia’s gaze. Certainty! If not peace! The knowledge that no matter what, you were destined to spend your life at one woman’s side! God he hoped Hank had found that at last. Because it was a bond stronger than anything…. even death! Although maybe…. Scott was still smiling as he left med lab and made his way back to his the apartment…..How many times had he bargained with fate, making the inevitable promise, ‘ my life for hers’! And how many times had his prayers been answered?

Surely enough for this price to be easily paid! Though he had hoped for another end! Selfishly! His own pride getting stupidly in the way! Wanting to go out in the end not with a whimper but with a bang! Not just because that was what he needed, although that did play a great part in it. But also because Jean would have found that easier to deal with! *Though there’s still time* Scott told himself. * Ok maybe not for some great dramatic exit. Confining myself to the school has effectively ruled that out But at least I can help Be there to assume some of the weight of running the institute!*

Scott was only just beginning to understand what Jean had given up, or rather taken on when Charles had fallen into a coma All that pressure…. Being the leader, not just of a team but of an ideal! But then, who was better than the woman who had once been the phoenix to be the torch bearer of Xavier’s dream? And he was supposed to have been at her side. That had been clear from the beginning. But then this illness had struck him down and he had done what? Hidden away? Let his fear and pain drive them apart, all in the name of sparing her? Scott sighed. Yes all that and more!

He had never doubted their love. Indeed that was what worried him the most! Knowing how he had felt when Jean had been reported dead….! If there had been an enemy to face at that point then he knew he would have done it. Unleashed the full terrible potential of his power! No matter what the consequences. But in the end he had had no foe to focus on. And so the planet was still intact. It was the same for Jean given the present circumstances … except..... …….. Phoenix listened only to pain not to reason! And if she awoke then she would destroy galaxies. *Its not going to happen*Scott told himself resolutely as he made his way for the first time since his attack back to their apartment . *That’s just an excuse. The only reason I didn’t tell her or Sean what was going on was because I wanted to snatch those few moments of normality we still had before reality took us down.

It was one hell of a good excuse. All the more so because it was entirely true! But it wasn’t everything. The shadow of Phoenix hung inevitably over this, as it did all other aspects of their life together No matter how hard they tried to deny it. Yet it wasn’t some destructive cosmic energy Scott made his way towards on that evening. It was a woman. And not just any one! Jean Grey. His wife! Even if part of him still wondered how that had happened. Once, long ago, Warren had offered her diamonds for her birthday.It had still been Scott she had kissed. Later Logan had loved her with a passion Scott had never hoped to equal and yet which she had so easily drawn out of him in those nights she had given to him and him alone.

His hand hesitated on the door knob. How could he face her now? How could he hurt her like this? And yet … wasn’t it a greater betrayal to turn away? Resolutely Scott opened the door, knowing as soon as he did so, as only a husband or a lover could, that she was waiting for him. What could he say? How could he justify what he had done? He had tried so many times to find the words that could tell her of his illness and not break her. And each time he had failed. And so .. it had just spilled forth , ugly, painful, tearing her apart even as it had torn him… Without any warning! Destroying what was certainly the last innocently happy moment they were destined to spend together.

What wouldn’t he have given to take that back? Even now! Even realising that he should have shared this burden with her from the start! Ah but then he would have lost so many memories! Christmas! A second honeymoon made of laughter and passion. Even those last few moments in the restaurant when he had felt all eyes turning to them, envying what he had .Would he have wanted the shadow of death to have hung over them? No! A million times no. Though he would also rather have died than to have her learn the truth the way she had. Now though it was too late. She was there in his bed, hurt, waiting for an explanation he could never find the words to give. While he sat on the edge stupid and silent, his body just as beaten as his soul!

He had to say something. Anything! After all he was the leader, the diplomat. Always knowing what to say and when to say it! Or at least pretending to! Because in the end that was what it came down to. Bluff. A seeming calm camoflaguing the fact that you were just as scared and lost as the others! Except that now that didn’t work! Not with her. And that had always been a part of the magic between them. Not ever having to pretend to be stronger than you actually were. He could hold her while accepting the fact that Phoenix was never absent, trusting in her willpower and their love to keep her at bay. And Jean …she let him crumble when had too … and believed in his strength when even he had lost faith. So …

“You deserved better “ he told her simply “ I should have told you but I was….. stupid…. Scared. Not of dying….Though I have no intention of doing that. But of …. God it sounded so childish and yet it was the only truth he had to offer…… “hurting you and Sean. I just can’t bring myself to do that. “ he turned to her, his visor for once doing nothing to hide the emotion that his words betrayed. “Though this time I don’t seem to have a choice.”

Edited by: ScottSummers13 at: 6/29/06 12:29 am