Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
Waking up had been rather… a bizarre revelation, the sleep in had been nice, Arisa had gone to continue her morning duties, whatever they be, and William was free to deal with the morning on his own. The problem however was that he couldn’t deal with it, he didn’t know how, not this, not after all these endless years. Impaired vision. As if the scar hadn’t been enough, the horses hoof had shattered the reading glasses William had worn and only increased the damage to his eyes. That father of his did nothing productive, anything he touched was damaged, hearts, bodies, minds! Not that Spike was one to talk… not after everything he’s done the last few hundred years in Lost Angels.
The vampire had fumbled his way around for the communication device he was sure he had left on his side table, but despite the strained squinting the damaged blue gaze couldn’t find the earlier discarded badge. Instead the next best course of action seemed to be go to find Dr McCoy and see if there was a reason why things became so blurred, it wasn’t sudden, it’d occurred gradually but today it was intolerable! The problem hadn’t been realized till too late, already a decent stride into the halls, the realization that Spike lacked the acute sense of smell that had helped guide him at all times. There was a stretch of hallway ahead that held special meaning and to this day Spike had avoided it like the common day vampires avoided holy grounds. There had been times, moments were homesickness seemed to swell for whatever unspeakable reason and the blonde vampire would draw towards this spot only to hover for a thoughtful moment before drifting off to places farther away from this location.
Not that Spike was aware where he was, if he had any idea he’d be crawling off in the other direction, he just wasn’t sure how he felt about this location and avoiding it seemed like the easier of the options. For now the blonde demon hunter sat in the stream of light coming from the window before him, his vision blurred all the more by the glare of light, even if wind whipped about outside, the sun still shone and it’s trickle of warmth that bathed Spike was so… comforting. Sure, Will was at the point of frustration however he would look at the upsides, Arisa would check up on him, see he was gone, worry, go looking for him (and that’s if she doesn’t pass him on the way to the room) and with her sense of smell the kid would get to him easily. The only problem was waiting for when she decided to slip in, he always told her to stop hovering around the room to mother him and as fate typically had it people usually took your advice the moment you wish they hadn’t.
The typical vampire was that of a dark brooding monster, handsome, yes at times they were toyed with being described almost as fallen angels, at other times they were depicted as hideous at best. Just like humans had different races, as did vampires, werewolves, same with any number of beings that populated this overcrowded world. And yet Spike never fit the bill, perhaps when he donned his dark leathers it helped, but when he wore white one could so easily be misleaded. Light faded blue jeans, white sneakers and stylish cream white jumper almost shone with an ambiance of its own as the sunlight’s rays brightened them all the more. Slightly honey brown roots were seen at the base of the bleached hair, startling blue eyes glimmered in a way rarely ever seen within the gaze of a vampire, the creatures of the night, so few could sit in Spike’s position, even few could muster the calm and near dreamy gaze that had fallen over his features as the ancient’s mind drifted over some happier memories.
He hoped that Arisa would come soon, hunger effected him now, and not just for blood, William had discovered that food held the slightest of taste in his mouth the last few days, he sat there wondering what it would be like to try all his old favourite foods again… bacon, egg, cooked tomato, cakes! Chocolate! All the foods he never got a chance to experience… so many he’d never tasted… the blood transfer was tomorrow, and a split torn down the middle of him, wanting so bad for the new day to come and yet hoping this day lasted forever. There was so many things he wanted to try, and yet look at him, lost and helpless and he was probably standing four doors away from his room. Though he’d wandered off a few halls and wasn’t as close as he half hoped. An English Breakfast… god he’d not mind that… his stomach gargled in anticipation at the very idea, which in itself was strange and yet wonderful, causing a smile to creep onto the currently more coloured features of the young looking man who sat with knees drawn towards his chest, arms resting comfortably and slightly slacked over the knees.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
There was a great number of strange and unusual places Rogue had seen in her quite eventful life so far, other planets, even different dimensions, and yet it was in this very house in which she had spent the good part of her time that the southern belle had discovered the oddest of all sites: the school library. Well of course she generally knew of libraries, she wasn't that uninformed, but just because people know of the moon doesn't mean they've been there themselves. For the most-past, Rogue had done pretty well in avoiding book-filled places in the past. There hadn't been much of a reason able to convince her there actually was any point in entering one for any other purpose than grabbing some novel or looking for someone. The latter was definitely the more likely reason for her to ever set foot into libraries. Normally anyway.
However, these were hardly times that deserved the attribute "normal", were they? Of course, being an X-Men came with a whole set of new ways to interpret terms like that, but even for her standards, a dear friend dying wasn't part of everyday routine. Quite the contrary. And so the absorption mutant had overcome her instinctive dislike of this place that seemed to radiate a sense of 'you don't belong', hoping that it was true that you could get used to everything. It sure was peculiar. The silence, only disturbed by the quietest of whisperings and the rustling of paper being turned. Occasional steps of new people arriving or others leaving, and every so often an uninformed or rebellious someone being disciplined by the librarian with a sharp hiss and an even sharper glare. The normal pecking order didn't count in there – everybody was equally inferior to the seemingly almighty figure behind the counter.
Still, what amazed Rogue the most wasn't this revocation of the hierarchy that ruled in the world outside the library but the resourcefulness of said librarian. So far, there wasn't a single topic she hadn't been able to recommend her a book for. And considering the specificity of what Rogue was trying hard to research, that really was impressive.
Genetic decay. It wasn't that the X-team leader really expected to find anything Hank hadn't thought of, but waiting idly for someone else to come up with a solution or Scott to wither away was something she couldn't have borne. And yet there was nothing physical for her to do, nobody to seek out and give a good beating to get some information, a realisation that had eventually brought her to this place of so unimaginably harder labour. She really wasn't used to this kind of stuff.
Every time when the weight of silence got too heavy, the auburn-haired woman would get up and take one or two books that looked somewhat promising to the counter. Her room was quiet too, but in a different way. Comforting, not intimidating. That day was no different, and armed with Molecular Genetics and Hereditary Diseases, she left, heading for her non-intellectual refuge. Nobody cared and deep down she knew they didn't, but still Rogue couldn't help but feel watched, judged, whenever she sat in the library, torturing her brain with scientific subjects she had never needed nor cared to know anything about. It was the difficulty at getting through to the whole matter that showed her with harsh clarity just how far from being a young, adaptable girl she was these days. In the end, not looking your age didn't change the facts.
A golden ray of light disrupted her thoughts, made her stop and turn her face towards the sun with a quiet sigh. This was all too much... she really needed a vacation. But no, this wasn't the right time for that; not with all that was going on. There was so much work left to be done, research, no matter how futile. There was still the slightest chance she would stumble over a helpful detail, anything. Pulling away from the warm rays, Rogue was just about to continue on her way when she noticed a sitting figure nearby. Although the light touched him, it seemed he radiated some of it himself as well. Spike. Her heart leapt up in her chest painfully, then increased its pace. Suddenly breathing seemed so much harder a task and not like the thing her lungs were designed to be doing.
What was he doing here? How dare he look so peaceful and content? Not once had they talked since that fateful night at Renaissance Hotel, not even met, and as illogical and selfish as it seemed, the most hurtful part after all that had happened had actually been his not fighting for her. Was she so easy to get over, so easy to forget? Scars threatened to break open again as her mind was forced to face the reasons why she had broken up with him in the first place. Her constant fighting for this love. His lack of trust. There had come a point when all of a sudden, their misty future path Rogue had always seen had vanished, as it were. A moment when it had become all too clear that splitting up was the best way out of this cycle.
And yet there hadn't passed a day in which she hadn't doubted that decision. And not a day in which she hadn't wondered what it had been that had changed things so drastically. Had she become different? Had he? Or maybe the world around them? Things were rarely as they seemed, Rogue knew that all too well. You had to take a closer look. And so that was what she did, standing there, watching the one man she thought to have ever truly loved. Unmoving. Silently. Waiting for a sign, any sign, that would finally give her answers she wasn't sure she really knew the questions to.
And so she bowed to what she thought was fate and neglected the last of humanity's ancient lies
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
How long did he have to sit here? Not that he wasn’t enjoying the moment, but Spike was more then aware of what could happen if he sat thinking too long, his thoughts never stayed pleasant, his mind always wandered and the last thing he wanted to do was start to think about other moments he’s sat in the sun, even if not directly. It had been so long since he saw the light, but now it was almost expected, he was already growing used to the fact that the sun rises in the morning and sets at night, and come morning there it will be again, burning bright up in the sky, even if its rays are obscured by clouds and fog at times.
But the darkness that obscured Lost Angel’s sun was impenetrable, it was so dark, so empty… sometimes Spike could pretend that was all just a nightmare, sometimes he forgot how dark his life had been. Other times there was no escaping it, but when he could… god how he longed for those moments. The greatest moment since he returned here? He can’t honestly put a finger on just one, getting his soul had been a series of trying trials, the confidence Tasha had in Spike helped him remain strong even as his mental control seemed utterly shattered. Of all things, not only was it rare for a vampire to seek the return of their soul, but to come with a Slayer, the mystics were most taken by the sight of the two mortal enemies working together. Had Spike not gotten so involved with Rogue he may have gone further with Tasha then even he would have imagined, but as fate would have it his focus was already on Rogue and he didn’t let his mind wander, not after all Rogue had done for him…
How ironic though… it seemed the further Spike got to mortality, the further away Rogue and he grew. But he hadn’t tried for this, this wasn’t something he had sought after but instead his mortality was accidentally stumbled upon, and the more human he became, the less chance he ever had of being someone Rogue could get close to. Not only that, he was pathetically weak! He got tired quicker, his body was more demanding and so much more fragile, there was no way Spike could hope to protect Arisa or anyone else for that matter, even himself!
A hand rose from where it rested on his knees, each finger and both thumbs all adorned with a silver ring, he got them with some things he got for Arisa, he didn’t always wear them but he had them on when he went to sleep and they stayed with him since he put them on last night to show her. To Spike the hand spanned out before him was blurred, everything was so out of focus it was ridiculous. Reading and writing had been such a gift, and the thought he almost lost that spurred the English gentlemen on to explore the world of literature, he fell in love with books at such a young age but it wasn’t until his father finally left till William was able to really get books, only once his mother’s money ceased funding the alcoholic drive his father thrived on.
Spike never thought of having kids… he was dead and that was that, but things were changing now weren’t they? Thoughts were creeping in, thoughts he never imagined he’d ever have, what on earth would he do with a kid, he’d not know how to parent a child!! And yet he still found that fleeting thought sweeping through his mind… that blasted what if that haunted him. It was possible now, if he wanted… if he kept up with the rejuvenating blood Arisa fed him he’d definitely be able to, everything else was so alive if he couldn’t yet he’d eventually get back the gift of procreation. Would he want to though? After all the things Spike had done his entire life, the hells he’s seen, would he want to bring another life into a world that was so miserable? The answer would have been easy if he still was within Lost Angels, but he wasn’t now, he was somewhere that he himself considered a paradise.
There was a sigh, the vampire still completely oblivious to Rogue, unable to pick up her scent as he so often easily would have, his senses so dull he couldn’t hear her in the slightest, his hand dropped and carefully Spike got to his feet. A hand remained touching the wall, even as he took a step towards the window, his gaze not wandering from it still and his hand reaching out further. There was an appearance of being disillusioned as Spike allowed his arm to lower back to his side, his thoughts as always unable to settle on one thing for long. There was a memory of early on when he first arrived, the women hopped on an X-jet, both Garnet and Rogue, he’d never been so high before, it was thrilling and scary and yet all a blur at the same time. The vampire did remember one thing clearly though, more vivid then Garnet standing at the entrance of the X-jet… Rogue, bathing out in the sun, escaping the clouds that Storm had created to partially cover the island while she herself remained all the way back in Xavier’s institute.
He had wanted to badly to go out there with her, to be near her, even though at the time she probably saw him as nothing… nothing but a pitiable creature, he still hadn’t forgotten her mention that name on the jet… Remy… some comment that eluded to something flirtatious, he was sure of it! There was a teacher by that name… an X-men… Spike never met him personally but that hardly meant the ancient wasn’t at all familiar with the guy. The thought that someone else could go out there with her and yet Spike couldn’t was upsetting, but over time that had become reality, he himself could venture from the shadows, and never once as freely as he could right now… Only now it was too late… there was no one out there for him to go to anymore.
It was hopeless, he couldn’t sit around here all day, not on the last day before he technically dies again! He had to do something, even if he fell over and broke his neck that would be something, sitting around was wasting the chance of life he was temporarily given. One day he could go through this all over again, he knew he had a choice from now and that made it different. But that didn’t mean he wanted to miss out on treating himself to humanity’s gifts before he was denied them once again. Only now did his eyes turn to scan down the hall, and only then did he happen to notice a rather darkened figure off to one side, too tall to be Arisa, some about the figure however made him a little nervous, was he getting stared at? It had just been there motionless, which meant it wasn’t moving, which meant it was standing there… and since he was sure it was facing him then it had to mean whoever was there was staring at him.
"…Um?" For all Spike knew it was nothing more then another shadow from his mind, he could easily believe that considering he couldn’t smell or hear anything much but he had realized the last few days his senses were getting duller so he didn’t want to just bluntly ignore it. He stepped towards the figure, and from the outline he figured it was a woman, the slender form couldn’t fit a man… well… perhaps it could but not at all a common trait. The long hair and tight curves lead the blonde to figure it had to be female, though Spike attempted intentionally not to squint, he did look as if he was having some trouble focusing on her though, if he knew it was Rogue or someone familiar he’d have played at recognizing them but Spike had have imagined that someone who knew him would have spoken up by now. "Do you know how many doors down 304 is? …I think our rooms 304…" It was the completely wrong room number, his room was 419, 304 wasn’t actually a guest room, it was one of the student rooms and he’d definitely not be placed in one of the student rooms. That aside, the 300-400 rooms were located in the other side, this was the 400-500 designated specifically for guests, though Spike still had his own room allocated to him he currently shared a guest room with Arisa.
Spike paused, his hand reached a door frame that was just a few feet from where he had sat, just to make sure it was a door and not some randomly placed staircase he let his hand search for the handle and brush along the wooden surface. There was something about her… it nagged at him now… the blur came slightly more into focus, the white fringe was nothing but a white smudge but it was still noticeable in the hair, surely it couldn’t be, not after all this time, not now, if it was he must sound like he’s lost it again. There was a pause form her, if she spoke he’d know for sure, there was a look of highly tuned focus on Spike’s features as he tried to strain all his senses to figure out who it was, he just needed a sound, something, anything… he didn’t want it to be her, he must look like an idiot stumbling around like a sodding git, this wasn’t how he wanted to return to her… then again, William really wasn’t sure how to approach her… for the moment he felt strange, weak and panicky while also excited and curious, doubt and conviction both blurred together as strongly as the world around him. To think…all this commotion inside of him and yet he wasn’t even entirely sure if this figure was real or not, sometimes he found himself so utterly hopeless… no wonder he felt so free when he became a vampire, all these emotions played havoc on ones mind.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
The longer she was watching him, the more memories emerged. A natural process, one might think, yet an not entirely appreciated one as far as the southern belle was concerned. They had been through good and bad, but fond recollections have this tendency of dominating over the other, letting events and people seem so much better in retrospect. It wasn't that Rogue didn't want to think positively of the blond man sitting there in front of her, she just worried a distorted picture might end up making her do something foolish. Something like trying to get back together with Spike. And so she wilfully forced the reasons for her decision back to the centre of her consciousness, competing with the picture of this stunning angel bathing in light. It seemed like a lost cause.
Why was it that this one mature and responsible decision she had made, to spare both of them further pain, was so hard to hold up? Already she could feel herself wavering, the pain his seeming disinterest in her suffering, the readiness with which he had believed she would just abuse him like the wraith possessing her had, fading in the face of the hard-to-define feeling of being loved. Had she not been too rash to end this relationship? Dreaded what-if's popped up in her mind, thoughts of the kind that weren't at all likely to counter the feelings targeting her resolution.
The ancient struggle between heart and mind, it had been going on inside of her for quite a while already, but this was the first time ever since they had last seen one another in the Hotel that the former was threatening to get the upper hand. And yet it did not. Too deep a wound it was that had been torn, and the assumption that it had been unintentional was only making things worse. If he had just been cruel, Rogue could simply have hated him and got on with her life, but as it was, she found herself between seriously hurt feelings and confusion. No really, in the end her decision had been the right one. There were doubts about that she could not silence, but you couldn't always expect to be a hundred percent certain about everything, could you?
When the vampire eventually turned to look at her, it was as if her mind instantly split into two. One part was busy standing there, heart racing, wondering frantically what to say... the other contemplated why it had taken Mr Heightened Senses so long to notice her. What followed didn't help much. If anything it only made things even stranger, though Rogue wasn't entirely sure whether that was the right term for being asked for directions by the man you're so totally not over and haven't seen once after the break-up.
It was his rather awkward way of moving that reunited Rogue's attention in the end, a frown wrinkling her forehead as she watched him walk with the sway of someone either half blind or incredibly alcoholised. What was the meaning of all this? He didn't really seem insane in the way he had been before, so was this actually something physical? And yet he had a healing factor resembling Logan's, didn't he? Of course she had never really bothered to find out just how similar the two systems were but what she knew was enough to be utterly confused by what logic told her would have to be true. Unless he was suffering from amnesia... which would have been equally strange and random, yet considering their track record of dramatic events not exactly unlikely.
"Well," she finally said, her voice a mix of confusion and slight amusement, "the fact that you're totally wrong for 304 aside, ah kinda doubt you wanna go there. Not unless you moved in with tha' four-armed kid, tha'is." Somehow the situation had become too strange for Rogue to feel any more of the stings she had got upon spotting him. And it was maybe because of that confusion that she could appreciate this moment oddly detached from reality.
"It's good to see you, Will." Her voice was warm and sincere, only the most subtle tinge of regret in it. Regret about where life, fate and just how the two of them were had led them. Regret about what harm time had done. For powerful an interferer it is, time, able to twist, change and reveal things even in the shortest of spans. A moment to fall in love, a month to overcome differences. Another to enjoy, two to grow distant... and an eternity to regret.
And so she bowed to what she thought was fate and neglected the last of humanity's ancient lies
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
An illusion perhaps? The silence that followed was so unlike what Spike was accustomed to, even if people didn’t speak he could still smell them, hear them, even sense their life or death or whatever it was that would alert him to their proximity. Yet nothing came, not now, not like how he was used to, the faintest of fragrance, that was it, and even then it wasn’t constant, was it even real? With Spike’s frail stability he has long since come to accept that sanity was merely a blurred path and so hazy were the outlines that he had to guess the steps he made and could only hope he treaded carefully enough and wisely enough that he didn’t slip off the edge. The silence only hinted that perhaps he had started to stray from the vary path he had been sticking to with so much effort since Arisa returned him to the school.
"Well," It seemed the instant Spike decided that ignoring the shadowed figure would probably end up being more productive that the word was spoken, the voice itself so different and yet so unmistakably familiar, "the fact that you're totally wrong for 304 aside, ah kinda doubt you wanna go there. Not unless you moved in with tha' four-armed kid, tha'is." It was her… he wasn’t ready for this though, it had to be her, hadn’t it? But the vampire couldn’t make out the sound of her heart, Rogue always had such a strong and passionate heart, every beat would resound within his own body! Her scent always engulfed the blonde and there was never any denying that Rogue was around because she was more then just present, she was all possessing, everything about her, the scent the sounds the very life she emanated… he couldn’t feel anything from her, he couldn’t sense anything.
But the comment… that was her voice… it wasn’t as clear as with his heightened senses, wasn’t quite so resonating, but it was hers… the southern belle stood before him and Spike couldn’t even see her, save for a smug in the scenery of blobs and swirls. He’d now not only lost her love, he’d lost the very feel of her presence, it wasn’t fair, he’d not handled the break up and had been angry no one cared to tell him that not only was Rogue ‘herself’ again, she’d been up and about!! If he had only known… if only he had understood, but even know people seemed unable to explain things, he knew he’d done something that put her off, that had hurt her, and Spike wasn’t entirely able to remember clearly what it had been, if it had been serious, or if it was merely because he hadn’t been called in when she woke up. He’d have come, he’d have told Arisa Rogue was awake and Logan’s daughter would need no more excuses or explanations, she’d know Spike would want to be there… but no on called, he asked for it yet still no one had called.
"It's good to see you, Will." Slight embarrassment coloured Spike’s features, which in itself was just as odd as anything else, usually the vampire didn’t have the proper biological capabilities to produce such a simplistic reaction. How stupid he must look to her! In fact, it sounded half way to ignoring their previous relationship if not totally pretending he didn’t recognize the southern beauty, but at least Rogue didn’t seem to have taken offence… Spike still felt like an idiot for the possible misunderstanding that had threatened to colour this situation.
"Oh hey," …oh hey?! What kind of greeting is that in regards to the sort of situation they were in? "Sorry hon I er…" Could he still call her hon? Pet? Luv? Lord knew those were pet names he used so commonly with people close to him, though ‘love’ had been slowly honed down to sole use on Rogue over time with her and he couldn’t really say with all honesty he’d be able to stop the pet names, even if he tried he knew there would be slip of the tongues, pet names were just another part of his nature… a brief hand gesture was given to signal was given to emphasis his face for a moment though he gave a nervous grin while his other hand still stayed against the wall. "…lil’off." Little off? "Lovely to see you too though…" There was a slight squint of his eyes, "…or at least what I can make out to be you." There was a rather nervous chuckle as Spike looked away, more from both getting a headache at trying to focus and feeling really stupid staring at her and still not being able to make out if it’s her or not, only able to rely on a voice.
"I know th’room had a four innit." Wait, she’d be able to read the keyring! …If he had managed to bring it with him… damnit it! This wasn’t working out. "Well, one good thing ‘bout’is situation I’m in is I’m startin’ to realize I really did focus on my sense of smell an’ hearin’ too much," To a point he didn’t bother examining even something as simple as his own room number!! What an idiot he must look like… hardly the first impression he always daydreamed about back at the Rena hotel, and especially more so since returning back here. Fingers drummed momentarily on the wall before they ceased with a slight sigh and he leaned more against the wall, his arm raised a little more as he shifted, his other hand rested over his front, those fingers taking up the slightly uneased drumming. "S’pose I’ll jus’ have t’wait fo’Arisa, think she’s off socializin’ with her team friends for a while… what’re ya up to?"
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
The uncertainty in his voice and movement, the eye squinting… it all wasn’t very likely to make his claiming to be just ‘a little off’ sound very convincing. Then again, it could have just been a figure of speech or something similarly inclined to not be taken literally. Not that Rogue expected Spike to use any complex stylistic devices – they were rather similar in that regard, with the sole exception of William once having been a poet, albeit a bad one. He had probably never thought a metaphor was some kind of vase though.
Listening to what she generously decided to let pass as an explanation, a light frown sporadically creased her forehead. It was good he could talk to her almost normally, wasn’t it? Rogue was neither sure of that, nor of what she might have expected. Ambivalence and doubt, two factors she wished would finally leave her life. Of course they didn’t. Those things never do what you want them to.
“...what’re ya up to?" Trying to figure out what this was all about, it took the southern belle a little to recognise the question as such, emerald gaze dropping to the heavy volumes she held clutched to her chest. Their change of position from comfortably being held in one hand, as if they didn’t weigh any more than the thinnest folders, to seemingly serving as a shield or comfort blanket, Rogue hadn’t consciously noticed. And she wasn’t versed enough in the basics of psychology to understand the implications.
”Doin’ some research…,” she simply replied, not feeling in the mood to explain the whole thing. The fear of what emotional consequences it’d have aside, there was also the added fact that this was an open area. The last thing they needed was the news of Scott’s illness spreading among the student body. At this point, Cyclops had already enough on his plate without having to deal with dozens of pupils dropping by for a visit, no matter how well meant.
And that wasn’t the thing of actual importance here anyway, was it? Considering her ex-boyfriend was obviously in a bad shape was though, especially if you considered that it wasn’t the almost ‘usual’ having been beaten up, but rather some kind of…yes, human weakness. “And what’s up with ya? Got cursed or somethin’?” It sounded harsher than she had intended, and it surprised herself how hastily she added, softer this time: “You seem more than just a little off…” There was this urge to tell him she cared, that she was worried… and yet she couldn’t. Despite the sting in her heart when she saw him in this pitiful shape, she just couldn’t express what she felt.
The reason why wasn’t too hard to find, but Rogue refused to spend too much time on such ponderings. It would only lead to more pain. Pain she could use even less under current circumstances. Still she had to know or be distracted without a chance for clarity. Once she knew, it’d be all right. A strange thought one might think, yet considering what Spike had already been through, there was little that could really make her worry he’d not be able to cope. He had always been the stronger one.
And so she bowed to what she thought was fate and neglected the last of humanity's ancient lies
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
”Doin’ some research…,” Research on what? The instinctive attempt to pry by trying to read the titles was rather futile, and the gaze that fell to study the books reluctantly returned try and make out the finer details of Rogue’s face. It wouldn’t hurt so much if he could just have one thing in clear definition, to hear her, or see her, or smell her… or touch her, but that hardly seemed likely at this point. There was nothing now, he couldn’t get too close or it would just make this all the more awkward and the immortal was still able to sense her discomfit.
“And what’s up with ya? Got cursed or somethin’?” The way Rogue asked caused Spike to remain rather quiet even if his mind was eagerly excited at the fact that for once, he could say he wasn’t cursed. Damaged blue eyes lowered their unfocused gaze to his feet for a moment, it was so hard to talk when part of him wanted to be thrown at her and another part wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong since she, intentionally or not, appeared to be hesitant when dealing with him. “You seem more than just a little off…” Lifting to focus his once keen eyes on the smear of green dotted on Rogues features, Spike offered a small smile, nothing more then a simple curve in one corner of his lip.
"…Actually, temporarily ‘de-cursed’. All my human flaws are comin' back t'me." He corrected her with an impish, though half hearted chuckle. "When I was little, I run into the street t’grab up our neighbours deaf cat who was gonna get trodden over, she loved’at cat," Spike’s left hand lifted to brush his thumb across the scar over his right eyebrow, the action itself more a reaction to the stir of thoughts then actually attempting to explain what he was saying caused that particular scar. "Guess I figured if dad didn’ see th’cat, he’d see me, naïve lil’runt I was." There was a light heartedness to the comment and yet William never forgave his father for being so self absorbed and obsessed with Alcohol, even at the mans own family’s expense. "Already poor eyesight, than a hoof t’tha head an shattered glass in th’eye. Bloody painful, but left me blinder than a bat without radar," Sure, he could have said he just had poor eyesight, but that meant that the conversation, even if one sided, as he explained himself would be far too quickly ended. "Talia was nice’nough to get me glasses to help focus, I can see close things with my glasses on. It’s how I wrote my poe-… stuff…" Ah yes, those ‘bloody awful’ poems, the words of which scattered within the heartfelt art causing nothing but mockery from William’s friends, language was a beautiful thing and when alive William had devoted himself to its study, and used what he knew as a way to express himself perfectly. It didn’t help though when people could not understand what it was he was trying to say.
"Was going to ask ‘Risa to help get me down to Medbay, what with her brother though.. an' I can’t even pick up scents to get me’round anymore. ‘Course, I didn’know that when I left my room… which is somewhere around here." There was another chuckle, though he was rather embarrassed by it all, "Dun ‘spose you’d have time to point me in th’right direction to the medical lab?" Hopeful was an understatement, however Spike struggled to keep the false calm about him, he wanted more then just a ‘that way’ he was eager for something more like ‘I’ll show you’, something that involved her walking with him. Avoiding her in the school would be far too painful and he hoped she’d not prefer that, perhaps whatever problems that seemed to be drifting between them needed time as well as chances to be addressed. The sooner they were, the sooner things could be settled, the sooner things could return to how they had once been.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
OOC: Just corrected that the comment that named her as obeX's leader...
Like it sometimes is with such things, Rogue wasn't sure whether or not to like the fact that Spike didn't inquire about what exactly she was researching. She didn't want to talk about it, but at the same time would have appreciated seeing that he still cared about what was going on in her life. Of course that was something she'd never have admitted to thinking; as a matter of fact, it was nothing she consciously pondered, more like an underlying motive the southern belle herself wasn't really aware of anyway. Or wanted to think about too much.
Rogue listened with slight confusion to his explanations, wondering about the reason why but expecting to get even more confused by his reply should she ask for details. It wasn't only because Spike had this slight issue with giving straightforward answers. He did tend to approach topics in a circuitous manner, but furthermore there was this wee problem of her not always having the background information necessary to understand what he was aiming for. Like what exactly his relationship with Arisa was like. He seemed to mention her in every other sentence, but save for what she had seen in his mind, Rogue knew almost nothing about her.
It wasn't jealousy that drove the absorption mutant to being curious, for she knew the feelings Spike harboured for the girl were parental if anything, or had been anyway. He did seem to be a little obsessed with her though, a fact that was almost enough to call forth a frown. Had he been talking about herself as much when they had still been together, she wondered, or was that something entirely different to him? Why exactly her mind was busying itself with such pointless musing, Rogue didn't know, but much rather focused on the then and there again than following that chain of thoughts any further.
His request took her a little by surprise, as it always did when he skipped out of his explanatory story-telling mode to talk to her directly. It wasn't that she zoned out when he told her things, it's just that she wasn't constantly prepared to reply. And then of course there was the added fact that Rogue had no clue herself what exactly it was she wanted. There were two voices inside of her, urging her into different directions. She wanted to be with him, but knew it could only lead to awkward moments and hurt feelings on either side. Was it possible to be friends with someone you had loved so deeply, you rather ended the relationship than inflict more pain onto him and yourself? Someone you still loved?
With a sigh, the X-team leader acknowledged the fact that she wouldn't find out without trying. She wanted it to work out, or so she told herself, but whether or not she'd be able to do that... well, that was an entirely different topic. "Alright, ah'll walk you there," she said as casually as she could hope to muster, and even managed a teasing little smile he might not even have seen. "Ah bet you'll look all smart in glasses... and a lil' geeky too," she teased in the attempt to somehow get past what lay behind and move on new territory. A place where they weren't constantly reminded of the past.
It was an experiment. And she could only hope there wouldn't be any casualties, or even more pain for those who had already got hurt before.
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
Silence. In a blurry world it wasn’t like Spike could even watch the expressions forming over Rogue’s face, though his own eyes squinted in determination to try before he realized what he was doing and relaxed his curiosity. It wasn’t nice wondering if someone was smiling at you or grinding their teeth, however Spike let his fists curl closed awkwardly for a moment while waiting for the reply, hoping one would come, hoping whatever did come was bearable to handle.
"Alright, ah'll walk you there," Tension unravelled for a moment, weeping from his shoulders with a silent sigh of relief. "Ah bet you'll look all smart in glasses... and a lil' geeky too," A single brow seemed rise slightly, the expression somewhat comical though he himself couldn’t see the stare he was giving back at her, wondering if that was a good thing, wondering if she preferred it, wondering if she was opening a door way for him to latch onto and not be so easily shaken free. A soft chuckle and whisper of a laugh was shyly produced despite looking away from her.
"I’ve been called worse." He mused at her geeky comment, stepping aside so his back pressed against the wall, Spike motioned for her to lead the way, though his swift steps kept him close beside her as he moved after the southern belle. "You been busy lately?" It seemed random, even to Spike, but at the same time, there was a reason for the question, even if the vampire didn’t have the words to explain that reason just now.
"Everyone ‘round’ere seems t’be swamped with all sorts o’things." Spike added, though it wasn’t the reason he was asking her, he just wanted to know, he just wanted to hear her speak to him, to talk about whatever to fill in the silence and give him something more to think about, something more to tell Arisa, something more to cradle close for comfort. He felt stupid, but at the same time, he’d take anything, he wouldn’t even really care if she started hitting him, slap him around, beat him down, it’s still her attention, still her touch, though such thoughts were also far from comforting to think of.
The violence was an old part of him, a part he wanted to shut away, women and romance didn’t need the thrill of violence to seduce them all the more, even if in some ways it was so much easier. And viciously beating down someone didn’t seem like a turn on for Rogue, unlike Dru, Ro’ didn’t like seeing her guy whimpering on the floor half twitching and cradling himself. Sometimes Spike found himself thinking and he didn’t like the trail of thoughts he had, the images he found flashing through his mind as he longed for something more. Pain was so familiar, that sometimes it seemed that was the first thing Spike thought of, the recognizable sensation so ingrained that in some twisted way it was almost pleasant to feel.
And then there was the total opposite, the tender arms wrapped around him, so alien yet so powerful, so simple… so addictive. To lay in bed again, to sleep away the day in the arms of another, no demands and no expectations other then to just be there. Sometimes it was nice not having to think, because thinking brought about memories, and memories usually bring about pain… what was hard for Spike to deal with though was that the memories with Rogue were more often pleasant, and yet more painful due to their pleasantness… due to what he’s lost. Yes. Thinking was overrated. But Spike was never one who did what was best for himself, and the thoughts kept coming, his mind awake and quick, waiting for the voice that haunted his mind in soft echoes.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
Although she had never really felt intimidated by her ex-boyfriend's supernatural strength and senses, it felt a strange thing to realise his dependance on her as she guided him to the medical bay. Their relationship had been quite a well-balanced one, none dominating, at least the way she had perceived it. True, Spike had had his moments of instability, but they had faded and practically vanished when they had been seeing each other "officially", becoming a part of the past. And one she wasn't sure she liked to think back to at that.
So much had happened since that day when he had popped up at the Institute, a villain to be cautious with, one not to be underestimated. They all had seemed to gravitate to his tormented human side though, all but a few, and soon the demon was ignored, leaving but the man that lay underneath, so much less buried than in others of his kind, and yet shattered like the mirror in his bedroom back at the hellish dimension reigned by vampires from where he had come.
How had it been pieced back together? Was it something their caring for the person that was "William" had accomplished? Had it been her love? Rogue liked to think the latter to be true, but at the same time shied away from that thought, for it contained a truly worrying reverse: had she placed his well-being at peril by breaking up with him, in a wider context than was usually the case in situations like that? Had she been the key to his soul, and did that mean she wielded the power to close the door to that dear part of him again? Or his health?
Questions, ah, they had been all she was certain of ever since they had first met. Still, they had been necessary, and still were, lest she wanted to indulge in self-pity, vain assumptions or unfounded paranoia. It meant not to be at peace, not to rest, this constant questioning, yet what terrible potential for so much worse did the alternatives hold! They had said they'd be selfish together, but in truth Rogue couldn't afford being inconsiderate like that, even if it was supposedly mutual. She had broken that unspoken vow of letting the other set the line of what was okay and what wasn't, as it had always been she backing off when she felt things were getting too hard for the other. Or dangerous.
It had been a different kind of danger this time than it had usually been. Remy would have given his sanity to spend the night with her, or so he had claimed, yet Rogue hadn't permitted any such thing. The southern belle knew of the threat she was to most living things. How very ironic this hadn't been part of the equation this time! And how very sad. So unspeakably sad that this love to a man her curse didn't affect had had to end, and in such a way. Yet she couldn't complain, couldn't allow herself to complain. She'd made her bed; now it was hers to lie in it, no matter how tempting the cushions on the floor.
The regret came in waves, as did the doubts. They had to be ignored; for her own sake, for Spike's sake. There was no point in wishing time to disintegrate, to melt back to the point where she had kissed him good-bye with tears in her eyes and emptiness where certainty should have been. Certainty of a love that, in itself, was immune to doubt. Yet the circumstances were not. And as they were walking down that corridor, Rogue was trying her best to recall the latter; to not whirl around and kiss this man, her first, the one person she had felt connected to in so many ways, and who had still remained a mystery. Despite her knowing his heart and mind, quite literally, despite his willingness to make it up to her, there had always been those little question marks at the corners of reality which had made everything all the more interesting.
*Give me strength!* the pragmatist pleaded no one in particular, quite against her nature. *Can't I be weak?* the woman asked incredulously, not understanding why she was still denied happiness. Voices, arguing, contradicting; all in her head, all her own. When had life become that complicated? Or had it never been easy?
She was thankful for his question, providing distraction and the chance to drown out her inner monologue with words spoken out loudly. The voice was more powerful than the thought, and she clung to that hope with something almost resembling the panic of someone drowning. As indeed she was; drowning in a bombardment of questions she had no answers to. If there were any at all.
"Ah've not been bored at least," Rogue replied, half-jokingly yet with a certain undertone that might have hinted on her wish some things hadn't kept her busy. "There've been less pager calls to save the world though... 's kinda quiet in that department these days." That at least was definitely a good thing! Granted she liked smashing things for the simple reason that she was good at it, if nothing else, but the Danger Room was quite an adequate substitute for the real thing. And at least it usually wasn't as dangerous.
Thinking of Scott and his predicament, the absorption mutant pondered to add something and had already partly opened her mouth when she decided against it. There would have been no point in this. And it was to remain as much of a secret as possible at this point; no matter to be discussed out in the open. Not even with him... not anymore. Rogue denied herself a sigh. It wasn't the right time and place for that either.
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances "Ah've not been bored at least," Well... Spike would have hoped something kept her busy, all that waiting around at the hotel for a call that never came was hurtful enough, waiting around and knowing that she had ever chance without a distraction in the world, well.. that was just far too painful to even want to think about. "There've been less pager calls to save the world though... 's kinda quiet in that department these days." Probably because it felt as if Spike and his group were constantly getting bombarded with all the unholy crap hell could spew out. It would have been so much easier to deal with if he didn't have to deal with so many things in his personal life as well as the whole throwing oneself into suicidal situations for the greater good.
"Well it ain't been quiet fo'us." Spike started, though he added with a light chuckle to lighten the thoughts he had and hopefully lighten his mood with it. "Then again, guess we do tend t'get ourself into half the mess without waitin' fo'it to come to us." A hand rested over Spike's stomach as they walked, his fingers lightly stroking over the fabric that caressed his body. He wouldn't mind asking just what reasons she had to never pick up the phone and call him to say she was ok, or why Hank hadn't called him, or why NO ONE called him after telling him she needed to have space away from him to recover. It wasn't something one liked to hear, that despite having love for each other his mental state was putting her at risk, that his love wasn't enough and that he was perhaps as great a threat to her as anything else at that point.
Resigning oneself to departing was hard enough, leaving her bedside was torture in itself and then, days turned to weeks and time progresses and no one, NO ONE cares to call him to say he can return to her side. No one says she's ready for guests, no one cared to contact him, it made him so furiously mad and yet so utterly broken inside he wasn't sure if he'd scream or cry if he approached anyone about it. Did Rogue tell them not to call? Did they forget? Did they think it better if he didn't talk to her once she recovered? What the bloody f*ck happened?
"Did you ask'em not to call me after they told me to leave?" The tone was more of a strained calm, and the question came out despite Spike's better judgement, but he wanted to scream and shout and see her just raised all these questions all over again. It would be easier if he knew who he was supposed to be angry at. "Coz it woulda still been nice to get a call'bout you, even if you didn'want t'see me." Didn't he deserve at least that much? And why couldn't he have picked a better time to ask this, he'd be like a complete idiot if she walked off on him right now, where the hell was he going to go without someone there to help guide him? Moron. Learn t'keep ya mouth shut an' find a betta time t'vent. Blue eyes did everything but look at Rogue as they walked, because he had no idea what sort of reaction she'd give, but if she was going to get all high and mighty about it he was hardly going to let her see his hurt.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
OOC: Family Christmas dinner now... so the end is a little rushed. Hope it's ok.. otherwise I can always add something later. You tell me
His chuckle made her smile, even before the content of his words had actually come through to her consciousness. It felt good to talk like this, ignore the seriousness of the world they were living in, if just for a moment, make the constant presence of mortal danger but a joke to mock about. And that was the only way to deal with it all, wasn’t it, the only way without building up a wall of psychological phenomena most shrinks would have been quite glad to examine a little closer. You could live with the pressure and find other ways to vent it or crack. They couldn’t afford the latter to happen; and in the greater scheme of things, maybe the world couldn’t either.
A self-ironic smile lingered on her lips for a moment as she fancied that thought a second longer. Rogue had never considered herself a heroine; rather the country girl eternally trying to catch up the others, never fully succeeding. And still what Spike was apparently busy with these days could effortlessly account as heroes work in her books, despite its not being all that different of what she had done most of her life. Maybe there was a little hero inside of her too, not as much an impossibility as she had always thought. Or maybe not. Did it actually matter in the end? Wasn’t it more important what a fire-fighter did rather than what he was called?
However, it had once again become painfully clear to her just how little she knew about the circumstances in which Spike was currently living. There were some things the southern belle could piece together from those little bits of information that were obtained as a mere by-product of what little she had heard of and about him in the past weeks. The picture, however, had never managed to pass beyond being too fragmented even to be called incomplete. Could she dare to ask, she wondered silently. There was a certain fear keeping her from it, the worry of showing too much interest, of stirring hopes inside of him that there was still a chance they’d get back together again. She didn’t want to hurt him, not more than she already, never again. Yet if he was clinging to this feeble hope, one she herself had long made herself give up, it wasn’t just to nourish it. That path, only leading to more pain, had to be avoided at all cost!
And so she just walked next to him, a guide he had never had to rely on, at least in the time they had been together. It was a strange, but comfortable walk, one she enjoyed more than it was proper. Surely this one slip was ok though. It couldn’t do any harm, right?
His questions came out of the blue, at least as far as she was concerned. Her steps became slower, hesitant, as she tried to make sense of his words. ”Who…”asked you to leave, who got you not to call, not to come and see me when I needed you so desperately? A twister of questions raged in her mind, one blocking the other so that none but the one thing they all had in common managed to come out. There were confusion and dawning realisation, that dreadful, dreadful realisation, in her eyes; two things he was so unlikely to see in this still unexplained shape he was.
Soon she stopped in her tracks, her eyes inquiring, pleading even, as she tried to focus on the most difficult task – or so it felt: to get out a single coherent sentence, one that contained everything she had to say. If only her mind were cooperating! ”I don’t…” No. Exhale, inhale. Insert a coin. Try it again. ”I didn’t tell anyone to do anything.” Her voice was quiet, maybe in hopes of having the voices in her head follow that example. All that wonderful, much-loved certainty Rogue had built up? Smashed with one single blow, the very foundation of her decision, quivering, trembling, shaking… collapsing?
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
From walking beside him, Rogue seemed to have drifted behind, and it took a moment before Spike even was able to notice. As a reaction to Rogue's hesitation, the vampire wasn't sure if he should remain at the steady pace they had been going or if he too should slow his steps.
"Who…" As her voice came so did the falter in Spike's strides, his body half turning enough to allow his face to turn around to look back at her, the blurred outline became more and more out of focus, forcing the once English born mortal to realize she was no longer walking. "I don’t…" So many things that Spike longed to have right now, if not his sight, then at least his hearing, something, anything, just one sense of which could help tell the ancient poet just what could be possibly rolling through his ex-lovers mind.
"I didn’t tell anyone to do anything." What... did that mean? It could be as simple as, she didn't tell anyone anything and he somehow just slipped through the cracks, or... as callous as if she didn't need to tell anyone anything, they already knew what she'd have preferred... But no... that bitterness wasn't for Rogue, it was for the ones before her. Why then? Didn't anyone care to tell him? Tell him why the woman he cared for stormed into the Renaissance Hotel, tears barely contained as she confronted him.
~Where were you when ah needed you the most?~ Rogue's whispers... they haunted him! Haunted him with things Spike felt like screaming back replies. Waiting... waiting for all that time, waiting to a point he wasn't sure he was supposed to be waiting any more! She was too strong and too stubborn to let anything hold her back that long, and so... Spike let his demons haunt him, those poisonous words they hissed into the depths of his mind. Love was strong but his mind was weak and his heart still struggled with all the new sensations. The callous drill of heartless words carved deep into his mind, twisting and altering his very sense of reality as it truly was. Or as true as it could be seen through the eyes of the couple when all they had to rely on were the comforts of each other’s arms.
~Ah really hope you’ll find happiness,~ Happiness? Happiness? It wasn't about his happiness. And it wasn't about happiness at all really. It was about sacrifices. His sacrifices. For Rogue, for Arisa... he'd do anything for them, give everything, even if it meant leaving, if he was told it would help them, just as he had been told it would help Rogue if he left. She didn't need his unstable mind stressing her even more, if he couldn't be her rock then what good was he? It all made sense back then... but now he wanted to scream! Scream at them, those undefinable 'others' that had caused this unspeakable pain! He'd sacrificed more then he needed to even as a boy, all for that stupid cat, why did everything go so horribly wrong whenever he tried to do something so honourably right?
You shouldn't have been playing on the streets. A heavy slur touched the words, the intoxicated male's voice distant but as stern and frightful as ever. He never listed. No matter how many times William told him that old coot just never listened. "I wasn't playing, I told you, the cat was in the way."Stupid boy."I'm not-" Deep breath. Eyes closed and a hand rose to rub fingers firmly against his temple. This wasn't real. They were just voices, like all the rest, hateful, spiteful voices. They had to be.
~I didn’t tell anyone to do anything.~
"Maybe they were waiting for her... and I was waitin' for them." That made sense! "She's waitin' for me while I wait for them as they wait fo'er.. so hell, we're all waitin'......what are we waitin' for? For something." They probably thought when Rogue was ready, she'd step forward and request Spike's presence. Spike's piercing blue eyes opened, his voice growing all the more angrier as he added aggravated, seemingly talking solely to himself "Son of a bitch took my glasses.. I'm fuckin' blind without them." His fingers roughly rubbed through his frindge, he was so angry. So furious! For the moment though, he had to admit he wasn't entirely sure what he was furious about... no single though seemed to sit there long enough for him to latch onto anything more then the desire to get his glasses back.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
The imbalance of attitudes reigning within her was not at all resolved by his reaction, the one she awaited with high hopes of clarification. A different kind of conflicting emotions, in a way mirroring her own, Rogue thought to spot on his features, and she could hear a part of herself thinking just how wonderful it would be if the whole predicament were but the result of a misunderstanding they could easily clear up and get over. The rest, however, was doubt. Overpowering, countering everything Spike could say before he even had opened his mouth, negating everything she herself could come up with to defend this almighty desire to pretend the whole drama at the Renaissance Hotel had never occurred.
She was running in mental circles, eternally defending her decision before no other jury than herself. This really was getting ridiculous! How difficult could it be to stick by your own choices? Just because they were hard didn't mean you had to reconsider them over and over again. This wasn't some sort of childhood game were you could just go "Not." and everything said was revoked, it was reality for once. And one basic truth of the real world is that you rarely get a chance to undo anything. Words once said cannot be taken back just like that. And maybe it was for the better that way. It just had to be!
Of all the things she may have expected Spike to do, talking of cats and games was certainly ranging closer to the bottom of her imaginary list. It took her a moment to realise his mind had abandoned the there and then for a bit, retreating into this world of his past the southern belle only knew vaguely. As strange as it seemed, she had actually managed to almost forget about his mental health "issues", so long-lasting his apparent stability of mind had seemed, to her at least.
Focused on dealing with her own demons as she was, Rogue couldn't really spare capacity for attempting to figure out what exactly he was talking about at first, yet when he spoke again - much clearer though still peculiar in its structure - things started to make some kind of sense. The question that remained was whether it changed anything. Did it? Was the fact that he hadn't stayed away from her intentionally - at least not in the way she had thought it had been - enough to rid her decision of its basis? Or did it not really matter?
Rogue could feel a headache approaching as the arguing in her head started anew, a deafening buzz in which it seemed almost impossible to single out an individual chain of thoughts. Why couldn't this all be easier? Her inner child decided to typically reply with "Because."; not exactly helpful but as sensible a reply as every other. What to do, what to do? For what felt like an eternity, the absorption mutant was just standing there, gaze unfocused. Was she physically looking around? Rogue didn't know, didn't care, but just tried to make some sense of what was going on inside of her. She couldn't. It was a Sisyphus task, with no beginning and no end to be found anywhere.
Finally, a step was taken. Hesitant at first, the next one was already faster, and the more followed, the more determination grew. There was only one way to find out what all of this gibberish meant, and it had to be true Rogue style to really lead to any form of conclusion. Thought and sense hadn't got her anywhere near the certainty she yearned; the much praised "think before you act" was obviously not her way. There was no point in fearing the consequences forever. You had to take a chance eventually.
Had there been much more distance between them, she may have ended up running - or flying - but as there were but a few steps, what it came to seemed just a particularly motivated walk. Her body meeting his hard, she remembered his unusual state just in time to keep him from stumbling backwards or taking any harm. Soft lips met his, barely controlled passion threatening to sweep her away as she forgot why she had taken this step in the first place. Knowing the truth by touch, one of her powers, it was so utterly secondary as she buried a hand within the strands of his hair and finally let go.
One moment to last forever.
If only...
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
>.>....<.<...I rambled slightly..
It helped to get lost when one was blind, and without the senses Spike had grown so used to, he found his mind wandering .. perhap not a lot easier lately, but definitely finding it a lot harder to claw his way back. Short platinum blonde hair was wound about the fingers of one of the vampires hands. It seemed like a moment of reflection, where tension of thoughts faded and a calm process of thinking took place.
What was to come brought back the tension, his body froze and his arms attempted to brace protectively, to stop what force was thrown at him. And yet Spike's hand met not a blow of aggression, but one of... of something else.. lips.. lips were touching him, and his hands, his own hands found themselves grabbing cautiously not at some random limb thrown at him, but a waist.. a slender curvious waist. It's not real. It never was. But it felt real.... then again, it always did. Tingles... why were there tingles? A light numbing, rippling through him, so strange and yet.. somehow it felt right, or at least.. it felt nice. The kiss was different.. this wasn't real.. it wasn't like the ones before. Firm lips of the vampire lost of their icy touch, letting themselves fall victim to this illusion, it had to be one, there was no other way to understand it, like a bite from the apple of edan.. one he shouldn't take.. but the tingles.. he was tingling.. why.. why was he tingling? It was scary outside at night, filled with bad people, but usually staying close to the house offered a sense of comfort. There was no comfort this night though. There was nothing on these darkened streets, the outline of trees and soft glow of the lanturn lights only increased the sense of discomfort. There was only silence in that moment, a silence that soon filled with the frantic pounding of a frightened heart, how was it then when you needed your body the most, it seemed to always freeze up? 'William!' The single cry shattered the silence that had seemed to engulf the young boy's world, a sudden shockwave of sounds hitting his senses. The entire vision before him taken up solely by the two horses, the one before him risen up, its hooves kicking, eyes as wide as the ten year old boy who stood petrified, a long furred cat held clutched in his frightened arms. 'William!' Another call, it was her.. his mother calling.. the final yell heard just as the world went black. Pain exploded in the darkness, and it seemed within an instant his small body was thrown backwards to the cobblestone road. 'I hate him.' So easy to admit, yet never would William say it outloud to his father's face. 'He may hide behind his excuses mother but he has no right to lay a hand on you.' Brave words.... but what good were they? Seventeen year old up against a fully grown drunk, and seperated from his parents, locked away behind thick wooden doors and condemned for the night to helplessly hear the cries and yelling.
A crisp white hankie held gently against William's nose, stained crimson with his own blood. The young man at his dresser, eyes downcast, taking a moment before raising to stare at the youthful though dishevelled reflection that looked back. Look at him.. pathetic, another bruised cheek, cut lip and a bloody nose.. at least this time it wasn't broken, that bloody hurt.. stupid horse. Where the nose had healed his eyes had not, not fully anyway, and nowhere near half decent, and his father knew that, and as soon as Rupert so much as smelt insolence (as he called it) it seemed those glasses had been smacked clear off his face.
As far as William cared he must have looked like a fish out water, flopping about desperately as his strawny arms threw themselves this way and that out of panic, not much good it did. Not much at all. Pathetic. And the tears that formed as the yelling continued in the background, the woman's voice frantic and the males slurred, drunk and ever so threateningly loud. It wasn't even his home anymore! He wasn't allowed here! He wasn't allowed to do this to them anymore. And even so... William really was useless when it counted.. when someone really needd him, someone he loved, and all he could do was wait patiently until morning when and if his door was unlocked... always so bloodly useless. 'Mother?' The floor boards creaked lightly as the older and now more familiar features of the young man closed the front door behind him. Curls of sandy blond hair gave such a false allurence of innocence, the glasses he was forced to wear now relenquished an air of strength seen in the very fluid movements of the newborn beast. Coughing.. and blood, the recently risen body could smell it, no matter how small, she'd been coughing blood for the past week or two now. Katherine couldn't keep secrets from her son.. but that would all be ok from now on.. little William can rise from the ashes and protect her as was his place to do!
'...William? Wh-where are you been?' Worry, perhaps a touch of anger as well, fear for his welfare... always fearing for his welfare.. poor helpless little William. Not any more. 'I didn't mean to be gone for so long mother..' It had only been a night, but her boy didn't stay away from home at night, he had no where else to be. 'I heard about Cecily... I was worried.' A cold hand reached for the elder woman, her hair done up and greying in silvery streaks, the icy touch was noticed, but the cold winter air made it excusable. 'It was nothing mother, a mere misunderstanding.' The lie came smoothly, the pain of Cecily's words still echoed so fresh within his mind. He wasn't beneath her, nor anyone else for that matter! Never again! He would not be beaten down or humiliated!
'I've been saved mother..' Such sweetness in his words, and yet she seemed hesitant as her son stepped forward, unsure of what he was saying, or what he was trying to express.. something was strange about him that she couldn't quite figure. '..and I've come to save you too.' And in his embrace she was drawn, unseeing of the change having taken her son, a strange sense of both comfort and dread washing over her, a content that he was home.. and yet..
'Always hiding under mommy's little skirt you were,' The words lashed out, striking him down.. so soon.. so soon after getting up! 'Stop it,' He could only insist so much, why was she pushing herself onto him? 'This wasn't how it was supposed to be,' Bewilderment was all that one could see, confusion and hurt, the first tell tale sign that William was not and never will be as any other average vampire. Feelings.. faint perhaps, but there all the same, echoes that screamed out, loyalty, love.. lingering, and yet.. none of it lingered in his mother upon her return, she woke cold.. Cold and cruel..
'Of course it was... I've known all along what you've wanted from me, what you've always wanted, you stole one kiss.. come still another.' A kiss? That was different, that was not... not anything to do with.. with anything! He was trying to save her, the ideals of immortality he had, the visions, the hope for freedom, freedom from abuse and pain! And now.. his arms struggled to keep her away, pushing and tugging her aside. 'Stop it, stop it!' Why wouldn't she just stop it! 'You insolent whimpering fool! After all I put up with, your years of 'Cecily this' and Cecily that', the wretched whore poisoning my every day with your drivel and nonesense!' Drivel and nonesense? Those poems were his heart! His soul! She said she always loved it when he read to her his peoms... why was she hurting him like this?
'I will rid myself of you once and for all you useless-!' The sentence seemed unfinished, too busy raising her walking stick and readying to strike. As she waved it, William's shaking arms trying to deflect, her face turned, her eyes glowing their yellow hue. What happened next was all too fast, the walking stick smashing against the fire place as William dodged, the threatening raise of the makeshift stake in his mothers hand, and the second piece of broken wood that swiftly found its mark through her chest.. explosion of dust, the clutter of wood on the flood... It felt like forever that he stood there, forever before William's eyes looked down, more tears.. and again his mind scolded him. Pathetic. Useless..
'You seem to have a problem knowing when you ought to just back away Willie-boy.' The irish accent was taunting, and the one who spoke sported a malicious grin. 'So let me make it clear.. you hoverin' around'ere ain't gonna help our Dru now, you're just a play thing, leave the real work to me.' Angelus seemed unable to speak in any tone but condencending.. and sometimes Spike wondered if that was something that just became a habit, or if he was just born a pompus prick. 'She needs me you soddin' pompus git, she's my destiny, we're forever and there ain't nothing I can't do for her!' Despite Spike's argument, Angelus gave a sigh, though it came with a chuckle and slight shake of head.. a simple flick of his arm, a simple fluid moment, and before Spike could even flinch, a fist struck his face and the world, as it so often did, went black..
'Hey lil'nibblet.' The voice.. soft, the scene dark, damp.. caged. 'Cryin' won't help down'ere.' The world was cold, as were the bars Spike's shirtless form leaned against, bare feet touching the moist stone floor, and a soft sobbing drifting through the hair. 'Please.. please I want to go home.' Light splashing was heard, the young girls voice calling out shakily, Spike's form moved awkwardly towards the center of the area, peeking his head over the edge of what he called 'the well'. She'd been there all night, sobbing, shivering.. Angelus told him not to speak to her.. they all knew he would though, eventually. 'Do you like poems nibblet?'
A more familiar scene for Rogue came flashing, muddled with the load of other memories, as always, so many, so hard to define, so hard to focus, pouring in all at ones and yet ever clearly. Med bay, though it was dark, and an eary feel was there... Spike... and Judas, who left (or more accurately vanished from) the school grounds shortly after Spike's arrival. 'I don't want to hurt any one...but if they can take out Angelus...then they can help protect...uh, everyone. Made a promise you see...but if I find out you've tried to hurt these people, I'll rip your throat out, hear me? These people have been good to me...I may be a soulless demon, but I still know a good thing when I see it. And I'll kill you, or anyone else that tries to harm them while I'm here, even if I die tryin'.' Spikes words, though tainted with a an axiety of fear or uncertainty, were abundant in the strength of loyalty, even if at the time even Rogue herself was still coming to terms with his presence in the school. Timidly Spike appeared to be backing away from Judas, the 'mutant' who he had once suggested was indeed inhuman. 'You and I are both being used, both bein' abused, we're similure....yet I feel, I don't know how but I do, love, guilt, bloody whole package, I may not be as strong as you, but I have something inside me that I can't feel from you...I have the ability to love, and that gives me strength you'll never understand.' Mere moments later, Rogue's own presence entered the scene, and her reaction to seeing Spike a reminder to the trails they faced on his first arrival.
'Wha' ?!' So simple, stunned and accusing, Spike almost winced as she continued on, despite there being no aggressing in her tone, the confusing was clear and Spike in tern was awkward by it, worried that Garnet would get in trouble for him having wandered off to med bay on his own while he was supposed to be under her watch, 'Wha' the hell are YOU doin' here?!'
'Rogue....' It was a whisper, there were people everywhere, the scene sterile as it was busy, med lab again.. Hanks voice could be heard in the background. 'I-I can't remember her name..' Spikes hands clutched that glass cube that encased his mother's family heirloom, the pendent given to her by her mother, that in turn passed down to William.... even if... it was because of her death.. the death he brought upon her. 'Will you tell me...if you ever find it, will you tell me mothers name? I-I want to remember....I want to remember what he made me forget..' Cursed Angelus! The anger! the pain! The feel of... of emptiness... but it was ok.. because Rogue was there, she'll help him.. she had the power, the strength..
'Ro'...do you even 'like' me...?' It was the second time Spike ever refered to her as 'Ro', though one or two in the past had used that name towards Storm, it was one that Spike devoted solely to Rogue. It was when his conflicting feelings, the ones that tore him away from the only form of love he knew from a woman, the one of pain, lust and abuse, and threw him into a realm completely different, one where.. where he didn't feel trodden over. It would be a lie to have said Spike trusted her return of affections, but she was so beautiful, and already had done so much for him, the lust was there and growing but there was something more.. And part of the vampire could not understand why, of all the people, why him? Surely there was a reason, in his world there was always a reason, and usually it was selfishly inclined. For Spike, he worried she returned his flowering affection solely because he, unlike many others, could touch her..
'I don't care...if I'm jus' flesh to you I mean, for you to touch...for you to....touch. It's jus', at the risk of soundin' selfish; This half naked guy who's wonderin' 'bout with you is curious to know....why are you lettin' a half naked guy wonder about with you...what do you want?' All he wanted was to know, to be told, so if pain was around the corner he'd not let himself get too attached.. besides, he shouldn't, it wasn't his place. Not with her... Rogue was special, she was strong... he didn't stand up to that, he couldn't give her what she needed, not when it counted.. he couldn't be there for anyone when it counted, not without messing it up. that much was written clearly in history.
'It's not all hugs an' kisses Pet, you want something, but...you gotta know I'm, I'm not...you don't understand what it's like. Or...maybe you do, I'm not sure what you've seen...but to have the body of a man, the mind of a demon, the instincts of an animal.. I'm very muddled up!' Not exactly something he needed to state, but it was stated all the same, it had to be.. she deserved it, she had to know! Or was Spike just trying to scare her off? Hoping it would be solved easily, simply.. just walk away. But she didn't, instead he had taken a step away from her.
'Right now, I'm warnin' you, you either...." A hand pointed at her, confused and unsure, he wanted something but he wasn't sure if he really could cope with it once he got his answer. Whatever that answer was to be. '...walk away right now, an' I mean...bloody now, an' either we chitchat later or never talk again, or...or...' He wanted her... just for a moment, was a moment too long to ask for? It wasn't like he even deserved that... but he wanted it.. so much..'..Or we go some somewhere where I can hold you until you fall asleep and you can get some rest, I jus' want to hold you, if nothin' else, then let me do that at least...' Words. Devotion. And held her he had. So many days... so many days and he could hold her but it was never enough, he hated it when she was summoned, and there he was, some putts sitting there waiting, waiting for her to return.
'Strong? You think I'm strong? Resilient, maybe, stubborn, defiantly, but strong? No luv, I ain't, coz if I was...let's jus' say a whole lot more people would be wonderin' 'bout down in LA. Who knows, maybe....maybe I am strong...now, if you say so, but, I've seen you Rogue, you gimme your position an'...I'd not survive leadin' people 'bout like this...I'd go insane...-er...again.' His hands now rested down on her shoulders as he spoke, replying to words she had said just before. '7 years, that's when....that's when things started gettin' all unreal for me, 7 years Ro', I feel like I jus' woke up 4 minutes ago. You jus' told a room full o'people, you jus' said I could kiss you an' you'd not be embarrassed, don't you understand what that's like for me to hear that?' Humans! Her comrads! Her students! Her close friends, they were all witnessed to such a moments. Spikes body drew closer to hers, too close, to a point Rogue had taken a step back as his own body pressed against hers. His fingers once again gently touched her cheeks, trailing down, falling lightly to her shoulders and continuing till they slipped away and hung by his side.'I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain so I make a lot of mistakes.' And even recently he had almost made a mistake.. Garnet was a friend, and nothing more, to a vampire there were no boundries but now with thought Spike could see why she had chosen to decline as she had did the offer of intimacy.. Rogue had already started slipping into his mind, the threat of confusing an illusion of Rogue with Garnet all too real..
'You say it's abuse what you're doin'? Haven't you noticed Ro', I'm the one who's comin' t'you, I'm the one who keeps touchin', I'm the one Ro', if this is the abuse ya gonna give me, then...bloody hell..." His eyes had closed, wanting to express so much that technically a vampire shouldn't even be able to. But he was trying.. 'Sure. That diabolical torture device, the comfy arms o'someone who cares.' A faint smile crossed his lips as he opened his eyes and looked over her, his hands reaching up and his palms resting on her cheeks, his thumbs stroking away the damp residue of tears that had been shed from her emerald eyes.
'Does you wantin' me make you feel guilty?' He whispered allowing his hands to glide down from her cheeks to the curve in her hips, it was a rhetorical question, since she had already stated her answer earlier. He lowered his head for a moment, his eyes gazing down before he closed them and leaned forward, his lips gently touching hers, their connection lasting moments, the tenderness enough to make most school kids weak at the knees.
'You feel bad coz you want someone to care 'bout you? To hold you an'...to touch, to kiss an'...to love?' Lust, so powerful, to earn so much for one person, it always seemed all or nothing for Spike, his heart dived in, following his body's lead.. So hard.. so hard to ignore what he wanted, what in the past he would take, take without mercy and without regret! And yet despite the uncontrollable urges his body more then clearly demanded, the vampire had managed to bridle it enough, almost.. only a little slip, a small slip... His hands holding her firmly against him, a kiss following.. his lust easily seen, but it was more then that.. so much more then simple physical lust.
'I luv you,' His cheek rested gently against hers as he talked, 'love' was a hard term for a vampire to grasp, but Spike had managed to feel it, even if it wasn't as strong as what a human could feel. He managed at least a fragmented kind of love, and in his broken shattered world that's all that mattered, that beckon of hope and security, that sense of place.. 'I want to hold you close, an' at night I want to see you fall asleep in my arms...I want you, an' I want you to know I want you. I want t'be selfish, I want someone to hold me, I want someone to care...' His cheek stroked down against hers as he lowered his forehead to her shoulder.
'I want someone who sees me...I want you.' He repeated as if stubbornly trying to get her to understand. 'The fact you...you jus' talked about me as if I'm real, no ones ever spoken like that, not 'bout me, don't you see?' He lifted his head from her shoulders, resting it comfortingly against her own forehead. 'We're both jus' bein' selfish, we both want somethin'...but can't you see it's the same thing? We both want to be loved, so hold me, an' I'll hold you, kiss me, an' I'll kiss you....luv me, an' I'll luv you.." He kissed her again, his body instinctively pressing against hers even more firmly, his lips breaking away gently and seeming to take unneeded shallow breaths. He closed his eyes and slowly his arms left their place on her hips and wrapped around her slender body, pulling her comfortingly into a tender embrace. He's shown her how he felt, he's told her, she has to have seen or felt something from touching him, something that was hidden away in his mind.
It was her move now, he wasn't going to do another thing...not until she accepted...not until she let go of guilt, of the thought that she was abusing him, she wasn't. He wanted her to understand he wanted this as much as she did...he wanted her to understand he wanted her, but more importantly, he wanted to know this was her choice to continue whatever it is they have. 'Tell me to leave, I will leave, tell me to stay, I will stay, but Ro', jus' tell me what you want, coz you already know what I want...all I have is flesh...have you thought...maybe I want you to have it? Maybe the reason I kiss you is because I know I have something you want, if I didn't want you, if I didn't care....I wouldn't be here...but here I am, isn't that proof enough?'
The next thing to happen was so hard for him to believe that Spike wasn't sure if it was real or just another figment of his mind. But there was a swirl of fire, the tall man from down in the cells appeared before him, his dark eyes staring down at Spike who had looked up at the high demon with teary eyes. He was in too much pain to be afraid of this other more powerful demon, Spike didn't even know if he was really here, Cole gave a glance about to make sure no one else was around before he knelled down in front of Spike.
'If you want, I can save you, I can take you away from here.' Cole was staring Spike right in the eyes, but even though the vampire was staring right back there seemed to be an emptiness about them. Spike wasn't going to leave this place, this was his home.. wasn't it?
'I know what you want.. I could give it to you.. if you help me find something very important, we can use it to give you what you can only dream of having.' Belthazor had access to all sorts of demons and other creatures, he could find out information on anyone and anything at a blink of an eye. But Spike already had his soul, and now he didn't even want it any more.. it hurt too much.. tilting his head slightly the vampire stared at Cole as if seeing right through him, but Cole seemed to know what Spike was thinking..
'No.. not your soul, I meant something far more powerful.. I meant your life.' Now this seemed to catch Spike's attention, his eyes focusing more on Cole's brown gaze, his mind drifting off to what Rogue had said; 'Withou' a beatin' heart, ya can't warm meh' If he got his life back.. if he was alive then he had a heart and then if he had a heart he would be warm and then he could warm her and then she would love him again! The fact this man had beaten him for information about the whereabouts of the Slayers was long forgotten, now all that mattered was that Cole was offering him the chance to have Rogue's love once more. But before Spike could answer, the distant shuffle of feet caught their attention and Cole vanished before anyone else was able to see him.. The momery faded shortly after that, unlocked by Rogue and yet lost to Spike even now as it filters through into her mind.
The familiar voice of Bethany caused Spike to look up at her, forgetting completely about the demon as quickly as he normally forgets about the illusions of his mind, there was no point in wishful thinking. 'It's broken and doesn't work and she said it didn't matter but now she says I can't warm her and that she doesn't want me around.' Shouldn't listen to the words.. should never listen to the words.. but he did.. his greatest failure.. one should never listen to the words. His voice was rather panicked and stressed as his hands grabbed at her hand and pulled it towards him, trying to take comfort in her presence as best he could while being so upset.
"It hurts, inside, and it won't bleed out, all it does is burn!" He hasn't complained about his soul before but then again he hasn't felt the pain heartache can cause since his let down with Cecily back in England on his last night of being human. Rogue had been the foundations of his sanity and now without her it seemed there was nothing left to help him through his troubles. Maybe that's all he's ever been to Rogue, trouble.. Shutting his teary eyes as tried to hide his hace behind now shaky hands, Spike had for the first time ever, a feeling of home sickness.. would he rather be back in Lost Angels then deal with the pain of losing Rogue?
Bethany put her other arm around Spike to try to comfort him,she knew Rogue was what kept him to a shorter point sane and considering all he had been through this was like the icing on the cake.She was sad for Spike but also at the same time angry with Rogue why would Rogue do this?As she sat there with Spike that's all that kept running through her mind,why would she do this? 'I know how much you care about Rogue Spike I do Im not going to try to guess how much pain your feeling but Im here to be with you after all thats what friends are for.' Although she wished it was more than friendship right now Spike was the priority, and Spike himself remained oblivious at the moment as to such wishful thinkings.. perhaps intentionally so.
Listening to Bethany speak was comforting, more then just what she was saying, Spike paid more attention to the tone of her voice and the comfort she was offering. Leaning a little into her as Beth's arms held him, his mind slowly accepting the fact he was beneath Rogue, and that it just took her this long to realize. Maybe he did something wrong when he made love to her... maybe he was asking too much of her, to think she could spend her mortal life with a creature that could not even grow old with her.
'We're not like'em.. we're cold an' empty.. I'm not empty any more.. it burns inside, but the fire has no warmth, I'm still broken.. still dead to'em.' His head was resting on her shoulder, it wasn't fair because his thirst for comfort and companionship had grown a lot over the past few months. Spike always seemed to demand a lot of attention since he was so highly affectionate and now he was alone.. but Bethany was here.... Rogue didn't want to be with him.. But he wanted someone to hold, someone to kiss and belong to, he wanted a mate and no one seemed to want him for long after he thinks he finds one.
'She needs time to recover.' Hank's voice, soothing and calm, as always, though Spike looked beside himself with stress, pacing the office, his arms hugged about his body, muscles tense and eyes glazed over as so often they had when his mind grew too distant. 'As do you.' They wanted him to stay away? Away from her? But he needed to stay! Even if... her words were strange, the demons slain and yet still her words were strange and cruel! 'Spike please.. it would do neither of you any good to remain, you yourself are in no condition to be in such a stressful environment,' But he had to be here, just in case, Rogue might change her mind, she might stop being mean, she might want him back.
'For now Rogue needs her rest, as you need yours, go.. I'll send word the moment she comes around.. you're no good to her if you're not relaxed and well rested.' What had that meant? Not good to her... he was good! Wasn't he? So many things.. so many confusing things.. He couldn't be her rock? Did she need a rock? Hank was right in the fact that Rogue didn't even seem to want Spike around, whenever he spoke with her, she seemed to want nothing more then to be left alone.. maybe they were right.. maybe she needed time to rest. Rest was good..
'Spike, you're starting to creep out the customers staring at the phone like that...' Jennifer walked up to the front desk, leaning against it as Spike sat there, his eyes distant yet focused on the black phone as it sat there silently. When it did ring it wasn't them... it was starting to get upsetting. 'They said I need to be patient.. they don't know how long Ro' will be like that... it's been a week, they could at least tell me something.' Frustration and anger wove in the words, though Jenn's reply was cool and casual. 'I'm sure they didn't mean you weren't allowed to visit her when they said it wasn't good for you to hover around her... visiting is brief, hovering is annoying, there's a difference.' She seemed so sure of herself, but Spike knew better.. he knew himself, ''If I go, I might not be able to leave.. they'll get angry if I don't leave.. but I might not be able to leave. Arisa needs me here, Rogue needs me there.. Arisa wants me here, they don't want me there.'
The wind whirled gently along the city streets, the cool sensation of it running across the ripped and torn fabric of the black t-shirt and smoothly over the cold skin of the one who wore it. The pale skinned creature had scurried into one of the man back ally's of New York days ago, the jerking movements of the darkly dressed figure, also crouched down on all fours, would easily hint to something being wrong with him. The blonde hair and pale skin helped his bright hazel blue eyes stand out, confused and frightened glances darting in all directions.
The left side of his face, the front and back part of his right palm, though mostly the front, and down the left side of his chest was a sever burn where he had been attacked by a special brew of holy water that had seered his flesh. Spike had almost forgotten about demon hunters, which was amazing since he used to be one, then again, in his state, he was able to forget anything.. sometimes he'd forget everything. But Rogue had asked him not to forget, so he remembered, rememberd she told him to get away, remembered how she hurt him, remembered how she looked so beaten and he hadn't been there to help, remembered how she lays no in the Medical Lab.. so motionless and unresponsive.
'Wake up, wake up, please, up, up, up,' He was starving, it hurt so greatly he had started biting his arms the last few days just to feel the taste of stale, foul blood within his lips. Even if it was sickening and already sapped of its life energies, he seemed to feel better when he was hurting himself, got his mind off other things..
A man appeared in the memories, he started yelling at the vampire, telling him to leave, to get out of the alley and be gone! 'Hey! Get out of here you!' The metal door to the food establishment finally opened and a large man in a cooking uniform with dark black curly hair and scruffy facial hair snapped irritably at Spike who had been causing a racket all day but the kitchen staff had been too nervous to do anything, 'I'm going to call the police if you don't get lost!' The vampire turned head to look over his shoulder towards the human who stepped out partially of the kitchen to talk with him, Spike's facial expression lost its blank look as he smiled rather coldly. The instant however that the vampires demonic form shifted into view the cook slammed the steel door shut with a panicked cry as Spike lunged towards it, losing himself to the hunger for a moment as he relentlessly bashed his fists against the door.
'Come out, come out, come out to plaaaaay!' There was a frightening snarl while he kicked the door and dented it terribly, 'Spikey just wants to have a bloody fun day!' Feeling a sudden wave of dizziness wash over him, Spike quietend down and rested his forehead against the cold metal he had thoroughly dented. 'Go away.. go away, you're not allowed to come out and play, bad lil'boys don't get their toys,' There was a sobbing faintly heard after a moment of silence, his left hand move to cover his face as tears shamefully crept down his cheeks, 'Oh god, oh god, no toys, no toys again this year,' Now hiding his face behind both his hands, Spike seemed to calm down for a moment as he focused solely on crying. Words were spoken heartbrokingly to the door as if speaking to someone he knew well,
'You promised this year would be different! Please don't hurt her! Please, she is ill, treat her well..' His temper flared up angrily and all at once, his scared arms and pained hands slamming maliciously at the door again, his voice and accent altering and becoming cruel and violent. 'Harm a hair on'er head an' I'll rip off ya arm! Get out here ya friggin' coward, what's th'matter, aren't so big an' brave when the person you thrash can actually thrash back?' Snarling Spike slammed his fists into the door once last time and then dropped weakly to his knees. His body instantly rocking in a furious attempt to drain the energy and stress from his mind and body. It wasn't his father behind the food, it wasn't anyone.. what was wrong with him?
'Make it stop, make it stop, make it all stop!' Where was Rogue? Why wasn't she here to make all these thoughts stop hurting him? He was jumping from the times he was a child witnessing his father's abuse towards his mother and himself to just events that had happened more recently at the time, and it was all so muddled things were playing in his mind so realistically that it was hard for him to understand what exactly was real, which was only stressing him more and causing his temper to get worse.
Once again his human face stared ahead as his body turned about, sitting on the step in front of the door and staring ahead towards the ally wall, not at all caring for the fact that they had called the police as soon as Spike grew violent. The blond vampire sat staring ahead at the wall in front of him, moonlight dimly illuminating his figure as Arisa took a few quiet steps into the moon’s touch, appearing into view. Her arrow-ended tail gave a rather anxious flick, he hadn’t noticed her, and she didn’t want to startle him…'Spike…' She muttered the word quietly, softly trying to alert him of her presence. But he didn’t look over…'…Spike…it’s Arisa…' Hesitating only for a moment, she moved forward a few more paces, soon standing right beside him.
She placed a velvety, furred hand on the side of his handsome face, running her hand up the curve of his cheekbone gently. Slowly she moved her hand back down to his jaw, tilting his face up to hers in a final attempt to get his attention. 'Spike?'…Her eyes widened, staring in surprise at the burn that ran down the opposite side of his face.
Green. An emerald path. But there was something different about these forest jade eyes, they were not Rogue's, even though his mind focused more on them, on the hope of finding his way back to his lover. But it wasn't Rogue. Arisa? What was she doing here.. she left.. she went away, because he couldn't protect her from the demons, just like he couldn't protect Rogue.. well Wraiths weren't demons but that meant little to him, he was a hunter of the supernatural world, he ought to have destroyed those abominations before they hurt those close to him.
'Can't fight it all away, can't scream it away, can't cry it away, can't hope it away.. can't scratch it all away... can't bare it all alone..' There was a slight sob as his face pulled away, his clenched hands raising to cover his face as he hid it away from her, a teary voice slipping from his lips, partially muffled by the presence of his fists that obscured his face. '..They keep tellin' me t'go away, everywhere I go they say to go'way, the soul burns, th'broken heart hurts, the mind, what mind, nothin' left, tryin' to find it, ran away an' won't come back, they're after me coz I'm dangerous.' He was jumping from one thing to another, no one wanted him around, Rogue had told him to go away when she was possessed, then those shopkeepers and such told him off. The soul was burning because of the guilt, the painfully strong emotions he was now feeling and the fact he was more then his average level of insane again, as well as being hunted while loose on the city streets by mostly novice demon hunters.. nothing was going right.. but then again, nothing seemed to matter anymore either.
His fists seemed to reveal his teary eyes for a moment as he blinked towards Arisa, purring slightly as he leaned more towards her, there was the sense of Willow about her, she was bonded with his childe and usually that implied that he was permitted to feed from the servant who was Willows property. But it couldn't be real, just another thing of his mind, the vampire shut his eyes and rather violently slamed his back hard against the metal door, startling Arisa in the process.
As the feral calmed, she could be seen staring, her eyes traveled over the features of the blonde vampire. Hunger was written all over his face, and his longing to bite her was as obvious as broad daylight. She vaguely remembered when Willow had bitten her…she had trailed kisses down Arisa’s jaw, moving along her neck, before piercing into it, her magic numbing it painlessly. Of course Arisa wasn’t expecting Spike to be doing anything but simply darting for the neck, and the food, but what had she to loose…she had been bitten before, and lived through it, why should this time be any different? The last time she had been suffering sever blood loss already, and still was fine afterwards…maybe lightheaded and extremely weak, but it wasn’t as if it killed her as it would a normal human. 'Go ahead.' Her voice rung up rather shakily, steadied the second time around by her growing calmness. She stared motionlessly at the vampire’s figure, strangely aware of having to force her chest to rise and fall with breath, and her tail tightening around her. 'Drink. I’ll heal.'
An unneeded breath taken before he pulled himself away from the wall and moved into the medical room, a scrunching of his nose as the common pharmaceutical smells swirled around his senses. Clearly his throat loudly to gain attention, Spike glanced around the room, a lot of the students were off on the training island so what little people he did recognise seemed to have suddenly disappeared.
'Good morning Spike' Hank's voice again.. and said with a faint trace of annoyance in the doctors voice. 'So it seems you have not forgotten about us after all, though you have hardly been beating a path to my doorway. Have you come back for your results?' Amusing really.. when Spike waited for them to contact him, they made no apparent effort, Spike gets treated like a pinyata for a while and he's chastised for taking his time? Pardom him if protecting Arisa from some looney Wiccan vampire was not high up there on Hank's excuseable excuses list.
'You seemed rather eager for me to run the test but I must have been mistaken otherwise you would surely have come back sooner. It would have been nice to have some news as to how you and Arisa are getting on' Luckily Hank saw the tired expression in the vampire’s eyes, his pale face even gaunter than usual and the doctor rubbed his hands through the thick blue fur that covered his head. 'Sorry Spike' he said with a sigh. 'It’s been a very long night and with the training missions underway I fear that it will also be a very long day Still that is no excuse for rudeness so please accept my apologies.'
'However at least for the moment I am at your disposition.' Hank indicated a vacant chair as he continued, 'Why don’t you sit down and tell me what, if anything, I can do to help?' Spikes replies seemed random, his statements warnings of some kind and yet helpless all the same. Everything hurt, his body, his heart, nothing was working right anymore.. and Arisa.. if he was broken all the time how could the vampire protect her as she both needs and deserves to be protected?
The soulled creatures eyes drifted away while speaking, 'You were right…' Hank had tried to hint it before. Jennifer had even stated her amazement that Spike was even attempting at caring for someone who needed so much love and support after all Arisa had endured. 'I can’t look after Arisa, I can’t fight this war an’ protect her from it at the same time.' There was a hint of devastation at the thought of admitting such a thing. Arisa was the only one other then Rogue, she was the first, she was the very first one to look at Spike and still not care that he was a monster, she was grateful for his kindness without suspiciously wondering what his true intentions where… It was the first time in his unlife that someone had smiled with such gratitude, and he could not even protect her when she needed his help. Right now, the test results were not the most important thing on his troubled mind… if only Rogue was around; maybe she would still be able to say those right words she could always speak, unless now she did not even wish to speak with him.
'Being responsible for a child is never easy my friend,' Hank's words echoed in the momories that played out. "At least you were there when she needed you, which is more than can be said for the rest of us.' At least Spike was able to be there for someone.... even if not the right person his heart was yearning for it was still someone, and someone who deserved it, someone who was just as important to him. The doctor moved closer to the vampire, sensing his confusion, trying to convey a sense of security and willingness to help.
'Sometimes everything, even caring for those we love, seems more difficult because we are not in the best of health. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of her. It is a lesson every parent needs to learn, more so those who have taken on this responsibility of their own accord.' But Spike had tried to take care of himself... he just didn't seem capable, every little thing, every stupid random thing just tore him apart. The memories, they kept coming, the voices, it never fully went away, even at his best they were still there.. still haunting him. Hank's expression explained it all, showed that he noted the pallor even for a vampire in Spikes complexion, the reason for the hesitation in his movements becoming clear to someone who had studied the vampyric condition in such depth. Images flashed, words continued passing between them.. secrets, fears.. and finally.. truths.
'As you say we can work out a way to rid your body of Arisa’s blood, a complete transfusion would no doubt bring about the desired effect but before we go down that road you have a right to know exactly what is happening to you at this moment.' McCoy’s voice was serious, his face mirroring the gravity of what he was about to tell Spike and the vampire's brow knotting unsure if he was wanting any more on his plate to think about. 'The enchanted blood you have been consuming has had a profound effect on your body, much more profound than you can begin to imagine.' There seemed to be a struggle for Hank to say what he was about to say, which somewhat worried the curious vampire. 'The blood has transformed some of your cells Spike. They are no longer the undead cells of a vampire. They are, at least for the time the blood flows in your veins,the cells of a living man.' The words struck a cord with Spike, his defence risen and hostile as his remark snapped back dismising such an idea. Though Hank continued.. explaining in the calm and tender way that he was always so good at doing. Though even as Spike surrended to the idea, he still drowned himself in the posibilities that may or may no occure in such a situation.
'It shouldn’ matter,' The now dull blue crystals dropped despairing ' ’s not like she’s comin’ back.' He tried to convince himself, Rogue was gone… he can’t decide fundamental issues based on what serves her best. 'Thousand years an’ more, only ever been sure o’one thing…Ro’,' Body slouching and hands insecurely reaching for his face, the inner turmoil evident as he tossed the concept of life. 'Bu’… she might come back.' A slight waver in his voice, soft and timid as moisture threatened his eyes. Blinking and sitting straight, looking off in a desperate attempt of recovering his pretense of being utterly alright with her departure. He couldn’t though, not with something like this laid out for him to decide upon.
‘Ah've been waitin' so long... so long for love, for someone ah can touch and embrace. For someone who ah don't drain of everythin' and put into a coma if ah don't watch out.’
'…I wonna be there if she ever comes, no gloves with me, can’t do ‘at to her, an Arisa needs me, no one else can stop Willow.' The fraught thoughts plagued him and everything seemed to weigh down on the vampire suddenly, so many responsibilities and all dependant on the lack of his humanity. It didn’t seem fair suddenly, but it also made him realize how dependant he was on his curse to protect those he cared about. 'Bu’ every day Ro’ gets older an’ I-…I want to be what she deserves, all I can offer her is death. This ain’t like Lost Angel’s, every where’s full o’life, everythin’s so perfect an’ I just keep gettin’ more an’ more screwed up!' Spike stood up, frustrated and torn, angry for a hundred little things which seemed to have jumped out and taken him with surprise. 'I don’ want ya to mention’is. Not to Arisa, not to Ro’, they don’ need to know, we can forget all ‘bout’is, let’s jus’ book a time t’get th’blood outta me an’ be done with it.' Forget the blessing and forget the pain. Sometimes it felt as if that was the only way he could move through the day… but maybe one day… Maybe one day he didn’t need to fight any more, maybe then he could breath with first breath of life in so long and then… he could blissfully breath his last in this world and finally rest in peace once mortality consumes him.
And a moment later, the warm lips were gone, they had abandoned him, again! Why again? Why did those lips have to go? And.. why did his knees feel weak? Small breaths became repetative, as if somehow he had been winded and yet... it was just a kiss.. and the tingles.. they were so potent, so.. erotic? How did that work? This wasn't real... it was too good to be real.. wait... real or not, his knees really did feel weak, and his slight sway as the vampire tried to regain a proper balance made it clear he had been knocked speechless, amongst other things.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
It felt like an eternity had passed since the last time their lips had met, and in a way, that was actually true. For time is the most subjective thing of all, its passing never entirely the same for everyone, no matter what the constant presence of clocks is trying to convey, their existence seeming like nothing but mankind's futile attempt at making themselves believe in the "uniformability" of everything. Yet some things cannot be squeezed into one standard form, can they? Rogue and Spike were the best proof for that. Despite the undeniable soap-opera potential their relationship had been having right from the start.
The kiss was a piece of heaven when Spike responded; all the pain, all the regret, the whole desperate struggle for emotional control being washed away by the pure bliss of the moment. It was as good as she remembered it to be, maybe even better because of the time in between, maybe this little bit sweeter because she hadn't broken her resolve, not really. If it was as he said - and she didn't have any reason to believe otherwise, did she? - the decision was stripped of its fundament.
It was only when the first pictures began to trickle in that Rogue remembered her initial reason for getting so very close to the other. The stream was powerful. Nothing compared to what she remembered getting on the occasions she had touched somebody without any resistance to her absorption powers, but significantly more than they had managed to extract from Spike before. In confusion, and slightly worried too, she pulled back, her mind processing the received information only the first few episodes of which she had "seen" with contact maintained. Then she had realised what was happening, although at this point still being unaware of the reason.
It was coming through now though, finished in just a few seconds' time. Some of the scenes she could recall, some she wasn't sure whether or not there had been a vague shadow of them in Spike's mind back when they had had physical contact for hours. And then there were those the southern belle recognised as entirely new. Those probably were the most important ones at present. For the most-part they brought up more questions than they answered, but there was this one all important bit she had initially planned to look for...
So it had been Hank. Of course. The words of who other than the Institute's doctor would have had the gravity necessary to make Spike leave his lover's side? The whole situation being as it was, however, Rogue was much too busy not standing around staring to think about the implications of what she had just seen. That would have to wait for later, when the surprise of just having kissed a semi-mortal vampire had worn off, for when the shock of what that entailed was gone - the fact, that if she hadn't pulled away in time, if his change had progressed any further than it had, she might have ended up seriously harming him.
It was then that she saw his struggle to stand straight. With supernatural agility and speed, Rogue rushed forward again to support the souled demon, worry clearly written across her face. "Are you alright?" A superfluous question one might think considering the obvious answer, but it was out before she could consult something as tricky as logic. And really, just because he was having trouble standing didn't have to mean he was feeling worse than a little dizzy. Just as it could also mean exactly that.
"Ah'm sorry...," she offered, visibly shaken. "Ah didn't wanna... didn't know..." The X-Woman took a deep breath and shook her head at her own inability to form a clear sentence. "Let's get you to medbay first. Talkin's for later," she decided and carefully proceeded to leading Spike towards their original destination.
For everyone comes the time when they have to take over responsibility. It stands to argue whether there is also a time when they can get rid of it again.
Re: Wednesday March 28 – Dealing with Circumstances
Would she give those lips back if Spike just leaned forward? Could he perhaps steal a kiss off Rogue, would she care? Would she let him.. just a little longer.. Rogue used to like it when he played with her, she liked the things he did, the way he did the things he did, why couldn't she just let him do those things again?
"Are you alright?" No, oh course he wasnt, being alright wasnt like this, being alright meant he was ok, that he was content, dare he say, even happy, what did he have to be content and happy about? That he was feasting off a desperate little girl? That his life, or lack of, seeming utterly pointless in this world when he had nothing worth fighting for, nothing there to support him when he needed the help, the backup, the trust... no one trusted him.. what was the point if no one trusted him? "Ah'm sorry...," Why? Spike stared at her eyes, his emerald path, there it was, it wasnt the false paths he had come across, those emerald blobs in the middle of that blurred face, they had to be Rogue's, who's else could they be?
"Ah didn't wanna... didn't know..." Spike tried to take in a deep breath, tried to inhale all the scents he was once so used to, so comforted by, but he couldnt pick much up, it was all so dull, so lifeless and bland. "Let's get you to medbay first. Talkin's for later," Later? How later? Why was everything always later? It was never now, never here, never just toss all else aside and sit down and get on with things.. At least it didnt feel like that, and Spike had always been a vampire with impatience, too many years of his life was wasted waiting around for something to happen, not any more, he wouldnt be such a fool again.
Though Spike didnt really have the strength to resist the gentle urge of Rogue's guiding arms to help take him down towards Medbay, he reluctantly sank into the silent hiss of thoughts that rang through his mind and kept him from being truly at peace. The faint reflection that was mirrored in the glass windows they passed went completely unnoticed by Spike, who looking at the windows seemed nothing more then a ghost beside the solid form of Rogue as she lead him onwards.
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